Impossible
by L. Mond
Summary: An intense, devastating true love kept in secret. Secrets capable of destroying a family... To what extent should a deep and sincere sentiment be subdued for the sake of family honor? To what extent can someone suffer secretly in order to suppress and hide the truth from the loved ones? Maybe to the limit of the impossible... SLASH/EDWARD&JASPER PARING DONT LIKE IT DONT READ IT.
1. In the silence of his eyes

_***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***_

Gray eyes gleamed.

There were so many unspoken words, so many hidden truths behind his gaze…

The fascination with those ocean green irises only deepened the torture. The world literally disappeared as he dove involuntarily into those mysterious tropical pools.

Edward sighed.

How could he be so vile? He felt like a despicable human being. No matter how hard the effort was, there was no way for him to restrain himself... Nothing he did was effective in the battle to modify or even ignore those feelings. He remained desiring and loving the only person who would never, under any circumstance, be his…

Jasper walked through the party completely oblivious to the covetous and guilty look that followed him tirelessly. In the midst of the magnificent celebration he lavished his grace and elegance, overflowing in kindness and smiles. Innocent of the deep feeling that was devoted to him, he did not realize the sharp pain he caused by sealing his lips with Jacob's, his boyfriend, in a soft kiss.

"Are you well, son?" Carlisle asked, noting the tension in Edward's stare.

"Yeah, Dad... I'm okay." He replied directing his focus to his hands that lay cold in his lap. "Why?"

"You look uncomfortable."

"I'm not."

"How are things in Hanover?" Carlisle tried to compromise.

"Same old, same old..." Edward replied clearly distracted.

Carlisle sighed as frustration flooded him once more. He pretended to turn his attention to the glass of whiskey he despondently sipped. He had been noticing the son's atypical behavior for awhile. At first he concluded that it was the effect of moving to another city, the changing of environment was not that easy after all, or perhaps it was just a sign of his becoming an adult…

However, two years had passed since Edward transferred from NYU to Dartmouth, a completely unexpected attitude for which he had offered no explanation. The patriarch of the Cullen family felt more and more that, the more time passed, the more uncomfortable his first-born seemed when he returned home.

The great tycoon of the SAUGER telecommunications company remained in a constant state of distress, for he was sure that something was happening to Edward, something very serious, but he did not even allow questions to be asked about it.

Whenever he was back in New York he kept his distance, being often evasive, closed in on himself, impossible to be reached.

"I'm going to take a walk..." Edward stood up without looking at his father's tormented countenance, eager for some relief from his own torment.

He walked quickly, head down, across the great hall to the garden. In the so familiar greenhouse the dazzling lights and the stunning sound seemed a remote nightmare. After hours of sustaining the facade and keeping control he could finally breathe for real.

Unable to contain himself anymore, he allowed thick tears to flow down his face, while his usual questions cut through him like sharp knives.

 _Why me? Why him?_

Questions for which he would never find answers.

His heart clenched unpleasantly. There was so much guilt, so much desire, so much frustration and pain... So much love…

Edward gasped, seeking sanity, trying hard to regain the control he momentarily lost. He knew from seven years of sheer agony that he would never be free from that torture, he could never be happy. Seven years struggling hard against that gigantic feeling, so impossible to be realized, so shameful, evil and painful. And each and every day he found himself more and more submerged into his own hell, with no hope of ever finding a way out.

He stared straight ahead, his eyes not really seeing anything, the pain incapacitating him. How could anyone survive that?

Edward lost count of how many times he considered ending his suffering in the most drastic way. But the simple smile, the soft expression of a certain face held him back…

Each time he had thought of killing himself, he saw, with surprising clarity, the warm countenance of his mother, the pain his act would cause in her. So he always chose his own suffering to the unhappiness of Esme. Not even to staunch his despair could he inflict such torment on her.

"What are you doing out here, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen?" Jasper asked in his husky voice, startling him.

Edward rubbed his hands nervously over his face before turning to face him, but it did not have much effect, since his face was completely flushed with anguish.

Jasper noticed his vain attempt to express some normalcy, but knowing that there was no point in asking, he deliberately ignored it.

"Hi…" Edward managed to murmur through his gasping breath. "I just needed some air…"

Grinning, trying to cheer him up, Jasper jerked his head to push his shoulder length blond hair away from his face and elbowed Edward's arm playfully, then glanced at him through his thick lashes.

"You came back to New York yesterday... We barely saw each other, we hardly talked... And in the middle of my birthday party you disappear without even saying hello..." He complained in a somewhat sweet tone.

Edward swallowed hard, trying vainly to calm his thundering heart that would threaten to fly out of his chest whenever the younger man was that close.

"The mood inside was very... Intense. I had to get out a little... " He smiled tentatively.

Jasper frowned slightly, again suspicious.

"What's the matter with you, Eddy?" His tone was confused. "You don't call me anymore, it always seems you don't want to be here... And you've been so reticent when you're around…"

"Oh, please, not you too, Jay." Edward snapped, trying to get away from it.

"No, Edward! You can't even disguise it! I understand I'm farther from you now, we really are apart from each other, and let me be very clear about this, it is absolutely against my will, but I've known you since forever... I _know_ there's something very, very wrong... I just don't understand why you don't open up to me…

Edward sighed nervously, staring at the floor. It was as complicated to hide his feelings from him as it was to deny him anything. But this secret, the reason for his distance, his avoidance, his deliberate absence could never be known to anyone but himself. It was too terrible.

He heard Jasper exhale impatiently, and remembered the real reason for the Herculean effort he made to be there.

He slipped his hand into the pocket of his trousers, wrapping his long fingers tightly around the rectangular velvet box.

His greatest desire was to be able to give his own heart to the stunning guy before him... With all the love and passion he harbored in secret. But since that was an impossible dream, he had chosen the perfect and completely unsuspected symbol to give Jay.

He looked hesitantly at the ocean green eyes that were the center of his world, eager for the reactions that would soon be evident in there. Jasper stared expectantly back at him, still waiting for an answer.

"Happy birthday." Edward murmured as he offered the small box to Jasper.

Jasper smiled spontaneously, his dimpled broad smile, the smile of a naughty boy, forgetting any reasons to remain suspicious and defensive.

He picked up the box, feeling in his heart the comforting sense of fulfillment that moment provided him.

This was the moment he anticipated the most on all his birthdays... The moment Edward gave him his gift. Not because he gave him the most expensive ones, or the ones he wanted most… No. It was because he gave him the most significant and special gifts he could ever get.

There was no logical reason for that, but since his fifteenth birthday the moment when "his favorite person in the world" gave him the gift was undoubtedly the highlight of every July 21st…

Inside the box, from the black velvet, a thick bracelet adorned with an intricate spiral of embossed spines gleamed, reflecting on Jasper's widened eyes. He touched the jewel, feeling the coolness of the white gold on his fingers, sighing in surprise as he noticed something was engraved on its inside.

"What does 'Plus que ma propre vie' mean?" He asked quietly as taking the bracelet from the box.

Edward smiled contentedly. That was the exact effect he wanted to provoke. It was all he would ever have.

"More than my own life." He replied, making sure his tone was light enough, so Jay would never reach the depth of the meaning he truly wanted to convey with that phrase.

Jasper smiled tremulously, his eyes welling up with tears and understanding.

"Thank you… It's…" He murmured. "I don't even know what to say. I love you…"

Edward sighed, feeling an uneasy mixture of satisfaction and agony.

"I love you too, Jay... You have no idea how much..." He replied, pulling him closer and into his arms, secretly wishing the younger could understand the nature of his feelings.

Feeling the guilt emerge in a flaming wave, but incapable of stopping himself, Edward allowed himself to just feel Jasper's warmth for a moment.

"You're the best brother in the world..." Jay said innocently. "You know that, right?"

Edward narrowed his eyes, feeling the word he hated most make the stake that lay buried in his shattered heart to sink deeper.


	2. Half-truths

_***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***_

Edward gazed grudgingly at the sunny morning that shone scandalously outside his window. He rolled back on the bed, feeling uneasy, completely exhausted from the sleepless night. His thoughts oscillated from the highpoint of the previous night, his moment with Jasper, to the darkest aspect of his life, his endless guilt for loving his baby brother.

He could not help but remember the warmth, the unique scent of the young man he'd been madly in love with for so long... But _the word_ , ringing in his head in Jay's husky voice, tormented him, just as it had been tormenting him for seven years.

 _...You're the best brother in the world…_

 _...Best brother…_

 _...Brother…_

Why did that word seem so out of place? Especially when it came out of Jasper's full lips?

"AaaaaaaaH!" Edward shouted, shaking his head so hard it made him feel dizzy.

Why did he have to love his younger brother? Why couldn't he get rid of that unreasonable, dirty, vile feeling? He wasn't even gay, for God's sake!

"Why...?" He murmured against his pillow, hoping that his pain would fade away with the tears that had long become his constant companion.

A sob choked him, his heart felt smaller and as if squeezed, his whole body shivered.

Two knocks on his door alerted him.

He lifted his face from the pillow, partially relaxing his body, staring sadly at the photo that accused him from the wood picture frame on his nightstand.

Edward sat down slowly, indifferent to the insistent soft knocks, and took the picture in his hands, focusing on the reflection of his face.

The image reminded him of one of the most difficult times of his life.

That stare, fixed on his brother's blushed face as Jasper looked straight at the camera, showing his high school diploma, revealed all his feelings... How he, and everyone else for the matter, hadn't noticed the passion in his eyes, well... That remained a mystery.

He could still feel the agony that took him that night when Jasper, then eighteen, in an act of great courage and determination, gathered him and his parents in the house living room after his graduation ceremony and disclosed a secret that worsened Edward's deep desperation.

Getting to know that Jasper was gay and that he was in love with Jacob, Edward's closest friend at that time, completely shattered his heart. He obviously had known he could never act on his feelings but, that was a very cruel cosmic irony. And to top that off, as if it all hadn't been terrible enough, he had to face his best friend asking for his blessing a couple of days later…

Almost four years had passed since then. Two of which he had been gone… And his feelings had only grown.

"Eddy..." Jasper called from the ajar door. "Are you awake? Can I come in?"

Edward squeezed his eyes shut, breaking off from his bitter memories, and placed the picture back to its place. Then he looked at where his brother was standing. Sighing, he smiled an empty, forced smile that alerted Jasper who, without quite understanding the reason why, felt immediately anguished, his stomach flooding with a weird icy sensation.

"Come in." he said in a whisper.

Jasper walked over to him feeling awkward. He did not quite grasp what he had been feeling lately whenever his brother was around, so he didn't really know how to act. He sat on the edge of the bed trying, unsuccessfully, not to think too much about it.

"Mom asked me to wake you…" He said, feeling weirdly embarrassed, even avoiding to look directly at his older brother. "She doesn't want to waste what little time she has with you here…"

Edward, who had been staring intently at the floor, looked at his sibling's soft facial expression at the moment he carded his fingers through his hair to push it away from his face.

He immediately felt his knees weakening. Lucky him he was seated.

He felt the air escape him when he noticed the bracelet on the young man's wrist. Fortunately, he was able to disguise his surprise and contentment.

"I'm going down there in a minute. Just let me take a shower first." He spoke as he got up, taking off his shirt, and walked to his ensuite, his heart skipping beats.

Jasper nibbled the inside of his cheek, his eyebrows drawn together, as he too stood up and left.

Fifteen minutes later they were both sitting with their parents at the table.

Silently, Jasper looked up from his breakfast into his brother's intense gray eyes as he looked intently at his empty plate, a sad aura surrounding him like a heavy stormy cloud.

Esme broke the tense silence.

"Let's go to the club today, darling," She said to Edward. "Jacob told me he will take Lianna with him."

At the mention of his supposed _ex_ best friend, whom he had avoided meeting and talking to for the past two years, Edward flinched inwardly. It was not that he was able to stay away from Jacob all the time, especially on the rare occasions when he came back to New York, but in Hanover he always had the excuse of his busy class schedule, his numerous studies and his medical internship to dodge his rival's phone calls. The guy insisted on keeping their friendship, although Edward had already given him all the hints that he didn't want to maintain the connection that had lasted all along their childhood and adolescence.

"Mom, Eddy and Lia broke up like a hundred years ago." Jasper spoke to his mother while half smiling, then glanced at his brother with an apologetic look. "I told him not to do this."

"It's okay." Edward shrugged, barely casting a side glance at his little brother before focusing his eyes on his mother's face. "Lianna is a nice person and a good friend, I don't have a problem with being around her, but I don't really feel like going, I'm very tired from yesterday, mom… I'm not in the mood to face this hot weather..." He tried to escape.

And as he leaned back on the chair backrest, ready to spend the day alone and half-relieved at home, his father, already very dismayed at his posture, stood up.

"That's it." Although Carlisle spoke in a low voice, everyone at the table heard him.

He placed his glass of juice carefully over the table cloth and gazed at his older son with serious eyes.

"In my office." His tone was so severe, although stable, that it made Edward shiver internally. "Now."

And without another word or gesture, Carlisle left the room, leaving behind a surprised Esme and a confused Jasper.

Edward knew that whenever his father spoke in that tone things would not go well. And he should not be countered at all, or else the situation would get even worse. So Edward straightened up in his chair, feeling the anguish taking him, stood up looking at his mother, silently asking for help, and followed his father, completely oblivious to the worried look that Jasper was directing at him.

The door was closed with subtlety, but only because Edward was the last one to pass through it.

Carlisle paced slowly before his desk, still trying to find some explanation for the drastic change in his son's personality.

"You are going to explain to me what is going on with you," He demanded. "and do not give me any more excuses, do not be evasive, otherwise I will not allow you to return to Hanover tomorrow."

Edward shuddered.

He knew that at some point his father would corner him, would question him about that. He just didn't think it would be so soon. That had been one of the reasons why he had his course transferred to Dartmouth. He had always been very afraid that Carlisle, being as cunning and attentive as he was, could see the despicable truth he hid. With each passing moment in the presence of his family, and consequently in the presence of his brother, it was more difficult to hide the desire, the love, the jealousy that consumed him by the minute. He was in complete despair when he still lived at his parents house, and the fear of not being able to keep his true feelings in secret compelled him to seek the more sensible alternative... To leave.

However, his father was always on the lookout as he returned home, overwhelming him with questions, analyzing his every gestures, trying to grasp what Edward was keeping from him. And then the young man started to put off his visits, and whenever he came to New York he would never stay for more than four days.

"Nothing is going on, Father..." He lied, but his shaken voice denounced him. "I don't understand why..."

"Edward!" Carlisle cut him off impatiently.

He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down, knowing that wasn't the best approach to make his son open up, and walked over to him.

"Please, son," he said, looking into Edward's eyes, holding his shoulders. "I know something is distressing you, and it's not something recent... You've been taciturn, Edward, always with your head down, looking unhappy... Always giving us countless and unconvincing excuses not to come home…

"Dad, I'm still going through the internship... And you know that I work in two hospitals, I can't be away from Hanover often or for too long..."

"That is your constant explanation, and I would even consider it true, were it not for the fact that it does not elucidate why you had ceased to be that lively, talkative young man to become this quiet, introspective, reclusive shadow of yourself I have now in front of me..." Carlisle exhaled loudly, bitterly. "You're not who you used to be, Edward."

"I grew up, father…" He replied despondently. "I'm about to graduate, I'm starting a serious career and that will occupy most of my time, most of my life, it was expected for me to change…"

"Not so drastically." Carlisle's tone sounded tired. "Not without a reason."

Edward bowed his head, feeling his heart smaller.

He knew his father was just trying to understand… And because he was worried, because he loved him, because he wanted him to be well. And if the matter wasn't so extremely problematic he would have, for sure, reached out to Carlisle, that had always been a very understanding parent.

Unfortunately, his father was the last person that could ever find out about his secret.

Edward kept his defeated stance and remained silent. Carlisle sighed and closed his eyes feeling unsettled.

"I cannot bear to see you like this." He said as running his fingers through his hair. "You are my son and I love you... I can't be at peace when I know something I have no idea of is wrong with you…" He looked at Edward with brows furrowed. "You don't open up and I have watched you languish without allowing someone to help you with this... Problem or whatever it is that you are going through…"

As his father sat down heavily on the couch, Edward ran his hands nervously through his hair, saddened by the helplessness he was seeing in Carlisle. He sat down beside his father, still a bit apprehensive, but wanting nothing more than to be able to lessen his father's anguish.

Edward frowned, holding on to the decision he promptly made.

"I don't…" His voice was tentative and unstable. "I don't feel at home here anymore, dad…" He carefully told the truth. "I'm sorry."

Although instantly dejected by what he heard, Carlisle looked at his son with hopeful eyes. It seemed that Edward was about to open up. He waited for him to resume.

"It's not that I don't love my family…" He explained as he looked at his father, feeling a little hesitant. "And it's not that I don't like spending time with all of you, it's just… I'm a grown man, I have a real life in Hanover, my life is there now… And here…" He shrugged. "Here is my family's home, and you're a very important part of me, sure… I just…" He released the air in a puff, once again bowing his head in defeat. "I'm so sorry for saying this, but you want to know the truth, and that's it… I'm not like this there. I can't explain better than this, I just don't feel at home here anymore."

"You feel uncomfortable." Carlisle concluded dispirited.

"Not uncomfortable." He hurried to lessen the harshness of the truth. He didn't want to hurt his father even more. "Just… Uneasy."

Carlisle nodded slowly, looking away from his son to a random spot ahead.

They were quiet for a moment, both trying to find a way to make things easier to the other, until Carlisle thought of a reason.

"Is it because of your brother?" He asked in a low, cautious voice, side looking at his son.

Edward's heart stumbled inside his chest as his head shot up. He tried to control his spontaneous reaction, but flooded by uncontrolled fear he widened his eyes and arched his brows high on his forehead involuntarily, making his answer obvious.

"I thought so." Carlisle used a surprising compassionate voice that puzzled Edward. "You two used to be so close, you were as one, always together, true best friends... And now it seems all you want from him is distance." Edward frowned, more and more confused with the inflection of understanding in his father's tone. "I know it must have been difficult for you, even more than it was for me and your mother, to assimilate and to accept that your brother is gay…"

The air left his lungs through his throat in a quiet gush, astonishment catching him off guard as he realized his father understood it all wrong.

He opened his mouth to say it wasn't like that, but thank God his mind worked faster and shut him up. His family thinking he had a problem with his brother's sexuality was way better than finding out that he was an actual incestuous prick. His attitude was horrible either way, and he definitely didn't want the people he loved the most in the world to think he was such a vile person, but he couldn't see a better alternative...

"It wasn't easy for me to understand…" Carlisle kept talking, oblivious to his son internal battle. "And for a moment back then I was at a loss as to how to act or feel… But… He is my son. It is my duty as a father to guarantee he has all the support he needs. So I learned how to deal with it."

Edward squinted slightly.

"But you're not… Happy with it." He asked carefully, intently gazing at his father's deep blue eyes.

"Of course not." Carlisle was categorical. "I'm working hard to make my peace with it, I owe it to your brother. And I don't have a problem with homosexuals…" He looked away and carded his fingers through his hair once again. "Being completely honest I just didn't want it in my family."

Edward felt a pang in his heart and also looked away, ashamed of himself.

"He misses you, you know...?" He heard his father saying. It sounded like an afterthought, low and pensive. "I often catch him looking at that photo wall he has in his bedroom. There are pictures of me and your mom, his boyfriend and friends, but those are scattered. The most of them are of you, together with him or alone. So I know that when he's staring at that wall he's thinking about you."

Edward closed his eyes tightly, fighting the sudden tears. He also missed Jasper, and the intimacy he once had with his brother. He missed sharing his secrets with him (those that were harmless, of course) and being close, and simply being able to look at him whenever he wanted. But the connection they shared became unbearable to him, not only because Jasper confided all his secrets, including his moments with his boyfriend, but mainly because the proximity would always make Edward burn... It was practically impossible to control the desire that would take over him when they were alone. He had gone (or better saying _run_ ) away to preserve his family, his brother, and himself.

"I miss him too." The truth slipped through his lips in a sigh. He opened his eyes slowly, just making sure no tears would trickle down his face. "But we're both different now… It's been two years since I left. Things are never going back to the way they were."

"I understand ..." Carlisle said as placing his hand on his son's shoulder. "But can you at least try to be there for him? He's your family, and he loves you. He needs to know and feel that you too support him."

Shaking his head slowly and still looking away from his father's face, Edward frowned once more.

"It's..." He started to say.

"Hard." Carlisle completed, reading accurately what was written all over Edward's countenance. "I know, but you owe it to him. He is your blood, your little brother."

Carlisle did not emphasize _the word_ at all, but it still made Edward flinch inwardly. He exhaled heavily, trying to get rid of the guilt and self loathing.

"I'll try." He replied uneasily to his father. "But I can't promise you I'll be able to..."

"If you really try, well that's enough for me." with a hint of smile on his lips Carlisle stated. "We miss having you around. Will you go to the club with us?"

Edward nodded, concealing his discontentment, but feeling relieved as he understood that was the end of the conversation.

They returned to the dining room and finished their breakfast in an accomplice silence. When Edward went upstairs to change clothes, Jasper couldn't help himself.

"What happened, dad? Did he say what's going on?" His tone was obviously anxious.

Carlisle tensed and looked at Esme.

"It's a sensitive matter." He looked back at his younger son with cautious eyes. "That we can discuss, the three of us, once he goes back to Hanover." He sighed and stood up. "For now, let's just enjoy his presence the most we can, all right?"

Jasper felt something inside him revolve, causing an unpleasant sensation in his stomach and heart. He nibbled the inside of his cheek as to calm himself down and lowered his eyes to his still full plate.

"Let's get ready." He heard his mother saying but he didn't react.

Somehow he knew Edward's weird behavior was directly related to him… And to the fact that he was gay. He leaned back in the chair, distraught.

Edward's distance when present, even more than his constant absence, made him feel as if the ground had disappeared from under his feet… He knew how much his older brother, his bubba (how he once used to call him), meant to him. He knew Edward was the person he loved the most, he was his favorite person in the world… He was a part of him, a very important one, and he missed dearly the sense of completeness their connection provided him.

And that was exactly why suspecting that his brother didn't accept him for who he was affected him in such a devastating way.

Jasper sighed sadly as he felt a single thick tear trickle down his skin as his heart seemed smaller inside his heaving chest.


	3. Inkling

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 _More than my own life._

The sentence, and the tone in which it was spoken, were filling his thoughts as he fiddled with his bracelet absently. Jasper couldn't get the memory out of his mind even if he really wanted to…

Sitting by his side, Jacob leaned a bit forward, trying to get a glimpse of his boyfriend's face that was partially covered by his shiny wavy hair. He observed him carefully. How his posture seemed different from the usual, how he was acting as if something was consuming him fast and unmercifully, how he seemed so saddened. It was not like Jasper to be so quiet, to be sitting with his back arched and his shoulders slumped as if he was facing a big defeat. It was not like Jasper to be by his side and not be all over him.

Jacob pulled his chair closer and raised his hand to his boyfriend's blond strands.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked in a loving tone as tucking Jasper's hair behind his ear.

Some feet behind them, hiding his narrowed eyes underneath the dark sunglass lenses, Edward held his breath and clenched his hands into fists under the table.

Oblivious to both men's anxiety, Jasper sighed, feeling a bit thrown off by being pulled out of his thoughts so abruptly, and turned his face to his boyfriend, his gaze still a little vague.

"Huh?"

Jacob smiled his wide toothy grin, the one Jasper constantly said he loved.

"Why are you so distracted? Did something happen?" His voice was low and light, but it was still inflected with a hint of worry.

Involuntarily, almost unconsciously, Jasper turned his head to where his brother was and glanced at him for a moment. Edward looked away immediately.

"I don't understand." Jasper thought out loud, turning back to the front.

"What?" Jacob asked softly while cocking his head to the side.

"What what?" He replied in confusion.

"What don't you understand?"

Realizing he actually spoke what he was thinking, Jasper exhaled heavily as shaking his head in a slow motion.

"Edward." He answered in an exasperated whisper.

"Baby, I'm not following. You're not making much sense." Jacob said as leaning even closer to his boyfriend and placing his big hands over Jasper's left thigh. "Can you explain to me what's going on?"

Jasper heaved a long breath and closed his eyes briefly, centering himself. Then he looked at his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry I'm distrait. This whole… _Edward-ignoring-me_ thing is getting to me more than ever before." He shrugged. "He's been so… Hot and cold, I mean, he came back just because of my birthday but yesterday, from the moment he arrived on, he barely looked at me, barely talked to me, at the party he vanished without even saying a word to me, but then when we were at the greenhouse and he gave me his present he seemed normal for a moment, but then this morning…"

"Shhhh, babe, calm down." Jacob interrupted him softly in a smile. "You're babbling, and I'm still not following."

"This inconstancy... He seems angry at me… Or saddened by me… I think… He has a problem with me being gay."

Jacob sighed, hating his role at that moment. He had to elicit the truism from his boyfriend and that would hurt Jay, consequently hurting him.

"You _think_?" He tried to be subtle, but he was aware of the skeptic look in his eyes and the tone of irony in his voice. "How many times have we talked about this?"

Pushing his hair away from his face with his hand, Jasper heaved a sigh and looked away.

"I know." He replied dejected. "I just couldn't believe my brother was homophobic."

"Maybe he's not." Jacob tried to compromise for his boyfriend's sake. "Maybe he just has a problem with his _little brother_ being gay and dating his best friend. Or better saying, _ex_ best friend."

"Either way…" Jasper shrugged. "I hate this."

"His attitude… Or his distance?"

"Both." He replied promptly as turning his injected eyes back to his boyfriend's. "He's my brother, the only one I have. All of this… It hurts me."

Noticing the green eyes he loved welling up with tears, Jacob pulled Jasper into his arms and rested his head on the top of his.

Edward stood up so fast he almost knocked the chair. He walked away faster than anybody could have followed, and kept walking until he reached the gate to the golf course.

At the swimming pool area, Jasper ran his fingers across his cheeks to dry his tears. Jacob put his index finger under his chin and made him raise his face to him.

"Why don't you talk to him? I've told you countless times you should've had a heart-to-heart with him about all this since the beginning."

"I tried." Jasper retorted bitterly.

"Once." Jacob gave back in a sly smile. "It was all too recent, your whole family… _Our_ families were still in shock. But then you should've tried again, you should've insisted, you know that."

"I saw no need to do so..." He swallowed hard. "He was kinda back to normal after the first week. I thought everything would be okay after sometime, and it actually was… Until a bit before he moved away."

"Yeah, but these last two years he only got more distant from you. I still think that, if you had talked to him soon after he moved…"

"I didn't get a chance, Jake, you know that." Jasper's tone was a mixture of sadness and anger. "He didn't give me one, he was always avoiding me… And I didn't have the courage to push, I didn't want to face an open rejection."

"That's not like Edward, especially not if you're in the picture. I'm not his baby brother but he still heard me, and he was honest about how he felt without being aggressive. Why would he act any different with you?"

"It's different between me and him." Jasper countered. "And you lost him anyway."

"I did. But at least we cleared things up, there's no pending issue between us. He seems to want nothing more to do with me, even though I've tried a lot to win him back, it's true. But losing my best friend was the price I had to pay to be with you, and I'm okay with it."

"I'm not okay with losing my brother, Jake." His tone was stern. "He's too important to me, I love him. I need him in my life."

Something flickered inside Jacob's chest as he heard that, but he didn't even regarded the feeling, it was completely stupid.

"Then fight for him." His countenance was soft as he said it. "Fight _him_ if need be. But do something, because he doesn't seem the least inclined to change this situation."

"I don't wanna cross a line." Jasper justified with a heavy frown on his face. "He's put such distance between us, I don't even know how to talk to him anymore… I don't know how to reach out."

"He's your brother, babe… You know him better than anybody else. You'll find a way."

They both exhaled heavily as they held each other, Jacob embracing Jasper as to protect and soothe him the most he could. They remained in a comforting silence for a while, gathering their thoughts and feelings, and then Jay, feeling an uncontrolled urge to solve that issue, pulled away from the safety of his boyfriend's arms.

"He'll be gone tomorrow." He said in a pensive whisper, looking at his bracelet. "I need to talk to him today."

Jacob turned his head to the table behind them.

"He's gone."

Jasper straightened up rapidly and looked back. Then, as memories of his childhood filled his mind spontaneously, he sighed, feeling the sudden tension leaving him.

"I know where to find him."

And that said he stood up, gazed softly at his boyfriend for an instant, and walked away to the path he'd known so well.

He walked slowly, taking his time and preparing himself. Countless deep breaths… Countless sighs… And he still felt hesitant, insecure, and afraid as he approached the spot where he believed he could find Edward.

As Jasper neared the vast green of the golf course his heart started to thump so strongly inside his chest it was getting difficult to breathe properly.

He spotted his brother some feet away, stopped, inhaled slowly in order to pacify his anguished heart, and took determined steps toward him. He didn't halt his march until he reached Edward's side and sat right next to him on the lawn.

They didn't look at each other, even though Jasper's presence was undeniably impossible not to be noticed by Edward, but both their breaths hitched as their hearts jolted.

"Do you have a problem with me being gay?" Jasper asked at once, before he would lose the courage to do so. "Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

Edward, face still stained by his dry tears, huffed, but not out of impatience. Breathing had just been really hard since he saw his brother and his boyfriend hugging minutes before.

He turned his head to the side, looking at the profile he thought so perfect, and sighed.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in clear guilt.

Jasper felt the wave of tenderness reaching him instantly, and turned to face his brother.

Their eyes locked involuntarily.

"What for?" It was practically a murmur.

"For not being here." Edward let the words pour out of him. "For being horrible to you continuously for the last two years."

Nibbling the inside of his cheek, Jasper had a hard time controlling the urge to simply cry.

"Why?" He questioned sadly. "Why did you act like this?"

Edward bit his bottom lip and shook his head slightly, not really knowing what to say… He didn't want to lie but he couldn't tell the truth either.

"I needed you." Jasper affirmed, his voice unstable. "I needed my strength to face all the challenges that my… Exposure brought. And you were not there." They both sighed heavily. "Why weren't you there?"

Breaking the connection of their stare, Edward closed his eyes and turned his head away. There was an avalanche of feelings raging inside of him, and he needed a moment to reign over them, or else he would ruin everything.

"I couldn't." He stated the truth, but only because he didn't seem able to contain it or lie to Jasper at that very moment.

"Why?"

"This is… Too hard for me." His tone was trembled. "I've tried, but I can't…" His voice broke as his eyes filled with tears. "I can't do this." He made an effort to look at his baby brother, to allow him to see, even if just for a brief moment, the true color of his pain. "I can't be around you. Not anymore. It hurts too much."

In a gush of air Jasper released the breath he'd been holding without realizing. And as the tears flowed down his face both men sobbed and looked away from one another, feeling their hearts crack.

''So you can't accept me for who I really am…" Jasper's voice was wavering, breaking in all the wrong places. "That's what you're saying. You've tried, but you can't. You can't see past my sexuality."

"It's not like that…" Edward rushed to try and explain, shaking his head vigorously, still not looking at his brother.

"So how is it?"

Unfortunately there wasn't much he could say without disclosing the truth.

He held his head with both hands and bent his legs so he could rest his elbows on his knees.

"Jay, this is way more complicated than you think…" He said in a whisper, tugging at the hair on the nape of his head.

"What's so complicated about a brother loving the other?" It sounded like a demand, Jasper's voice harsh and grave.

And that made Edward's head shot up and turn to him.

Jasper's green eyes were boring into Edward's gray ones, and the echo of the question made the older shiver visibly.

"You're supposed to love me regardless of anything." It came out as a whisper in Jasper's broken voice. "We're family!"

After having a heavy sob silencing him in a choke, Edward bent his head between his knees and folded his arms over it. And then he simply cried, because that was all he could do.

Jasper, overwhelmed by what he thought was true and by seeing his brother in such pain, also cried, but quietly, as he observed Edward's body shaking with each heavy breath he took.

"I do love you." Edward stated amid wavering breaths and broken sobs.

"But you're disgusted by me." Jasper retorted bitterly.

Another heavy sob broke through Edward's throat as he raised his head and looked into his brother's downcast eyes.

"I'm not." He assured in a confident, stable tone that convinced Jasper immediately.

"So why can't you be around me anymore? Why are you so intent on avoiding me?" His whole face was distorted in pain as thick tears rolled down his flushed cheeks.

"I've just told you." Edward replied in a wavering voice, making a sad frown. "It hurts too much."

"What exactly is hurting you, Edward?" It was a demand, not a simple question. "Tell me."

And Edward was so weakened by the emotions flowing in that moment that he couldn't keep the truth in.

"Having you close… Seeing you with Jake." He confessed impulsively.

He shut his eyes tightly, aware he'd spoken too much... He couldn't take it back, though, it was too late for that. And because he ceased to see, he missed Jasper's reaction to his confession.

With eyebrows drawn impossibly close together and widened eyes, the younger looked at his older brother in sheer confusion, anguish flooding his stomach with a cold weird feeling.

"Why?" It was a tentative, hesitant question. "Why having me close is so difficult? What's the problem about seeing me with Jake?"

Edward took a deep breath, knowing he couldn't, but still trying hard to contain the monstrous fear that took over him. He then looked at his baby brother and gave him the only answer he was allowed to.

"It doesn't really matter why." He stated. "It won't change anything."

And then he stood up, his motion followed by a stunned Jasper. He too stood up, feeling utterly puzzled.

"Explain it to me." He commanded before Edward could take a step away from him.

But his older brother simply took the step, determined to get away from there and from him as fast as he could.

Jasper wasn't having it, though. He held Edward's wrist quickly and tugged on it to make him turn.

"Edward, please."

They looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Both their hearts thundering inside their rib cages.

"I can't. I'm sorry." Edward finally replied in a despondent tone, pulling his wrist from his brother's hand as softly as he could.

Jasper didn't present resistance, mainly because he was too astonished with the possibility that was hovering his thoughts to have any other reaction besides letting him go. He just stared at his brother until he disappeared inside the woods that surrounded the golf course.

When he reached the swimming pool Jacob went to him quickly, not even waiting for him to get to the table. He had noticed from afar that things hadn't gone well… Jasper's distraught countenance said everything he needed to know.

"I think…" Jasper tried to say as soon as his boyfriend was in front of him, but the air got caught in his throat.

He took a deep breath and, looking into Jake's attentive brown eyes, he tried again.

"I think Edward… Is gay."

Jacob, that had just held Jasper's forearms, took a step back in surprise and looked at his boyfriend while frowning.

"What?! That…"

"Would explain everything." Jasper completed. "And that's not all."

"It actually sounds crazy, babe… And you say there's more?"

Jasper nodded slowly, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I think he's… In love…" Jacob frowned even more and cocked his head to the side. "With you."

Both men released a sigh in a sonorous gush of air.


	4. Conjectures and confrontation

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"It doesn't make any sense." Jacob said in a chuckle as they got into the bedroom.

Even hours later, Jasper's conjecture still left him in awe.

"You two were always very close." Jasper argued as he closed the door behind him. "I remember you were the only person that made me feel jealous when I was younger, you were the only one Edward would give as much attention as he gave me."

Jacob took off his shirt as he sat on the end of the bed, looking at his boyfriend with a soft frown.

"Babe, he didn't know I was gay… _I_ didn't know for sure until we got closer and I fell in love with you."

Jasper opened the glass sliding door to his bedroom balcony and then walked slowly to the railing. He was feeling so unsettled with that assumption that his heart was feeling smaller. As he rested his hands on the cold metal and looked at the dark nightly sky, he reasoned with himself that there was no need for insecurity. Edward was his brother, he loved him, he would never do something to hurt him. He didn't need to worry about him trying to steal his boyfriend… After all, he was even trying to keep his distance.

That slight jealousy was completely nonsensical, he was totally aware of that...

Then why was it slowly spreading through his whole system, making his body just a bit rigid?

He closed his eyes softly and sighed. Soon he felt familiar big heavy hands over his and a very well known hard chest on his back. Warmth took him as usual, and he automatically leaned back on the body he was so intimately acquainted with.

"He didn't need to know you were gay to fall in love with you." He said as in an afterthought. "You didn't know I was gay when you fell in love with me and vice versa. Besides… There are other signs… Things I'm making sense of just now."

Jacob kissed his neck softly and rested his chin on his shoulder.

"Like what?" he asked in a whisper.

"He's weird behavior the night I came out…" Jasper's tone was contemplative, verging melancholic. "He didn't react until I said that I was in love with you and that we were together… After that, so many were the times he suddenly had something to do when I mentioned anything about us… He seemed slightly distraught whenever you were around… And then, he started to put this slowly increasing distance between us until he simply moved away without any proper explanation…"

They both heaved a deep breath, then Jasper turned in Jacob's arms in order to look at him.

"Maybe he only realized he was in love with you once he knew you were with me… Once he understood there had always been a possibility of you two being together but he missed it…" He shrugged. "It makes sense. Especially if you think that he moved away right when things between us startet to get more serious…"

"Babe, I think you're reading too much into it…" Jacob tried to compromise. "If that was true he would've allowed us to get closer again… But what happened was just the opposite, he avoided me like hell, he didn't give me a chance, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me."

"Because of me." Jasper's assertion was firm and certain. "Edward always protects me, he always puts me first. He doesn't want to hurt me… That's why he avoided _us_ all this time, he doesn't want me to find out, because he thinks if I do I'll be crushed."

"Are you?" Jacob asked mockingly, his eyebrows arched high.

Jasper scoffed playfully and shook his head.

"Of course not."

"Ouch!" Jacob placed his hand over his heart and took a step back, but his big brown eyes were glinting with mirth. "You're not even jealous?"

"Not really." Jasper affirmed seriously, although he was lying. Then he pulled Jacob back to him until their bodies were flush with each other. "Not because I don't love you, you know I do. But I know my brother would never do anything to hurt me. And I also know how much you love me, I know you wouldn't leave me for anybody else."

Jacob's hands found their way into Jasper's shirt, and the blond felt goosebumps rising all over his spine. He closed his eyes briefly just to regain composure, but he was smirking suggestively once he opened his eyelids and fixed his gaze on his boyfriend's lips.

"I wouldn't." Jacob affirmed in his deep voice. "I will never." Then he took a deep breath. "Now can we, please, stop talking about your brother and what he may or may not feel for me? You teased me the whole day…"

"I did not." Jasper said in a chuckle, his hands coming to rest around Jacob's neck.

"Yes, you did." He replied squinting.

"Yeah, I did." Jasper caved in a light laugh. "You're so easy to provoke, Jake…"

"And you love to have me chasing you."

"I do."

Jacob nodded while grinning.

He loved the way Jasper made him feel… All wanted and valued. He was _head over hills_ for him. And that had been true for four years. The feelings the blond elicited from him had only increased along the time they'd been together.

"I love you." The words came out of his heart easily and simply slipped through his lips.

Jasper's smile softened and his stare focused on his boyfriend's eyes.

"I love you too, baby." It was his soft response.

They leaned in and kissed slowly for a long while… Then Jacob pushed away from Jasper slightly.

"Your parents are having dinner at some friends' house, right…?"

"You saw them leaving." Jasper whispered, arching his eyebrows high. "Edward is right next door, though."

"Remind me again how thick these walls are…" Jacob spoke in an insinuating tone, and pulled his boyfriend closer by the waist.

Jasper pretended to think for a minute, rolling his eyes just a bit. Jacob laughed a little..

"Well, since my parents have never heard your uncontained loud moans all those times we couldn't control ourselves… I'd say thick enough."

"So…" The brunette nibbled his boyfriend's bottom lip. Jasper sighed, feeling his body responding to the stimulus.

"Tell me what you want, baby." He demanded.

"Take me to your bed… Make love to me." Jacob replied while his hands worked slowly up Jasper's body, effectively taking his shirt with them.

Silence fell around them as they kissed again, this time a little more intensely. Soon clothes were being shed, pooling on the carpet as the two men moved without hurry toward the bed.

*IMPOSSIBLE*

Edward heaved a sigh for what he thought was the hundredth time. There was no way for him to be less restless as long as he was at the house… Especially knowing that his brother was only forty feet away, right in the next room, behind a closed door with his boyfriend…

This last thought made him clench his hands into fists and stand up so fast he had a head rush.

He closed his eyes for a moment, took a long deep breath and tried to center himself.

His heart felt so sore, the so many times it had been stricken throughout that day weighing on it, aggravating the already existent wounds.

The absence of Jasper was horrible, maybe as bad as the guilt for loving him… But not being able to open up and be honest with him when he asked, or better saying, _demanded_ … _That_ was killing Edward.

Before all that shit started to happen… Before he _realized_ he was really falling hard for his baby brother, Jasper had always been his best friend, his confidant. They were so in tune, so linked together, so strongly bonded that not even their age difference mattered.

Edward missed that connection so much… It was almost as painful as knowing that he could never have the love that, regardless of his frustrated attempts to rip it out of his heart, he dreamed about day and night.

That was basically why he spilled the little he did at the golf course… Because of his incapability to deny Jasper anything, because of this endless urge to please him, to give him what he wanted, to attend to his wishes… But mainly because of their connection that was so unavoidable.

He _wanted_ Jasper to know. He knew that was the worst possible outcome for that situation, but deep inside he was utterly aware that that was his most intense and truthful desire. Not because he thought Jasper would reciprocate his feelings… He knew that was even more impossible than that vile love realization… But hiding that from his brother felt like a violation, as violence against what linked them.

He held his head with both his hands and tugged at his hair while squeezing his eyes shut.

He didn't know what to do anymore. He was at a point where he felt that he needed to do something, _anything_ , or else he would simply implode due to the heavy burden he was carrying.

Besides that, he wanted to find a way to have his brother back, or at least to have a part of him, one that wouldn't hurt him so much, back to his life.

Edward didn't really know where to start, how exactly to act, what to say or do… All he knew was that he wanted to apologize and assure that Jasper wasn't mad at him.

In an impulse he walked to his door, burst opened it, and walked decidedly to the next one on that hall.

As he raised his fist to it, intending to knock and get his brother's attention, he heard Jasper's husky voice in an unmistakable long groan.

His hand paused in the air mid motion, and although he knew it was not possible, he felt as if his heart had stopped as his breath got caught up in his throat.

"Come with me, babe." He heard Jacob's moaned plea.

Wildfire flamed through his veins...

Edward fell out of the brief trance seeing red. Suddenly he wanted to knock that door down and burst into that room and rip his Jasper away from the claws of that… _Dog_.

And he would've done just that… If he hadn't heard his brother's next words, loud and clear, and if he hadn't identified the emotion laced in them.

"I fucking love you, Jake…" Jasper said in a strained moan.

As the two men inside the room reached the peak and voiced it in unison, oblivious of Edward's inadvertent eavesdropping, Edward felt as if all his blood had rushed to his feet. He was able to gather some strength, although he had no idea where from, and then he stumbled across the long hall to the stairs and all the way to the kitchen.

And there he sat in the dark, disoriented and deeply hurt, vision blurred by a flood of tears, for an amount of time he wasn't able to determine.

*IMPOSSIBLE*

Jasper looked at himself in the mirror and squinted.

 _Why?_ He asked inwardly.

He couldn't precise why he felt different out of the blue, why something seemed out of order or out of place so suddenly. He kept searching for it, for something he didn't even know what it was but knew was there… Somewhere inside him. But he couldn't find it.

He shook his head and looked down, his still damp hair falling around his face and covering it as a curtain. Then he sighed and carded his fingers through the thick blond strands, pushing them away and raising his head back, this time avoiding the cold reflective glass, and turned around to leave his en-suite.

He observed his boyfriend sprawled out on his bed, snoring softly, wearing his favorite shorts and sporting nothing more than droplets of water along his broad back… He could smell the fresh scent of body wash from where he stood, and it called him to join Jacob on the bed… But he felt so restless.

Jasper didn't understand. He'd just had the best of times with his baby… It had been great sex as usual, tender love afterwards as always, but that nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach wasn't allowing him to enjoy the sensation of fulfillment he normally felt at a night like that.

 _Why?_

The answer didn't come.

He looked at the door and, for a moment, he felt weirdly indecisive, as if staying or getting out were options to an important decision…

At the end he let his instinct take control, as he would often let it guide him, since it always led him to his best choices.

So he walked out of his bedroom, his heart slightly accelerated and his breath just a tad hectic.

Jasper convinced himself he just needed some water… Maybe some fresh air would also do him some good… So he went to the kitchen, intending to follow to the greenhouse next, all the way there feeling as if something was about to happen.

That thought led him to huff as he entered the dark kitchen without bothering to turn on the light. Once he opened the fridge door, by his peripheral vision he saw a figure next to the counter. He turned swiftly with his hand over his heart.

"Fuck!" He uttered as his eyes fell on his brother, who was apparently so absorbed, his head down on his folded arms over the counter, that he didn't even acknowledge him. "Edward?" He asked in a whisper.

Only then Edward noticed Jasper's presence, and his heart, that had finally calmed down, jolted and started to pound like crazy again. He raised his head but not his eyes. He focused them on the Greek tile his mother had so carefully chosen for the top of that kitchen island.

"You scared me!" Jasper whispered-yelled as he moved fast to the switch and turned the light on.

Since his brother didn't react much, he looked at him more attentively. He noticed how swollen his eyes were, and the faded stains of the path the tears left behind on his face.

"Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly.

It took more than what was really necessary for Edward to answer. And when he finally did, he wasn't able to restrain his emotions… They were bubbling mercilessly inside him.

"I'm great." He actually retorted, his tone dry and harsh.

The nagging sensation Jasper had been feeling since before increased, his stomach flooded with what seemed ice splinters.

"You don't seem okay." He replied carefully, but his voice was lower and a bit stern.

Edward looked at him straight in the eyes, his injected and widened, and Jasper felt as if his brother was ready to jump him and knock him down.

"Why do you care?" It was obviously a rhetorical question. "Just leave me alone." He spoke rudely.

"I care because you're my brother." Jasper responded in kind, stepping closer to him. "Are you mad at me?!" And then he seemed confused, almost surprised.

Edward scoffed.

"You're so observant." His tone was bluntly ironic.

"What the fuck did I do?!"

"Oh, nothing." Edward said as he stood up, ready to leave the kitchen. "Just acting like a whore."

"Excuse me?!" Jasper's tone rose and hardened, his green eyes darkening to a forest shade as he squinted and his whole countenance morphed into a scowl.

"Really, Jasper? Under our parents' roof, with me right next door?" Edward's comeback was acid. "Couldn't you at least wait until later, when everybody would be asleep?"

Suddenly Jasper wasn't so puzzled anymore, the penny had finally dropped. His face warmed up, his cheeks reddening as he internalized the reason why his brother was so upset with him.

"You…" He started to ask, his voice unsteady.

"Yeah, I heard." Edward cut him off, confirming his brother's suspicion. "It was kinda impossible not to. You two weren't exactly being inconspicuous."

Mortified, Jasper released the air he had unconsciously held in in a puff. Then he breathed in deeply and exhaled heavily.

"Look, I'm sorry if you heard…" He tried.

"I don't really care." Edward cut him off once again, looking away from him.

Something inside Jasper was triggered by the evident lie in his brother's words. He straightened up, squaring his shoulders and relaxing his facial features as his exasperation gave him strength for the confrontation.

"Yes, you do." He stated certainly. "I just need to be sure of the motive."

"Isn't it obvious?" Edward was fast to reply, his eyes still fixed on a random spot ahead of him. "You have no consideration for me, or for our parents."

Jasper sneered while shaking his head.

"That's not what this is about." It came out in a mocking tone.

Having no idea of his brother's conjectures, Edward didn't feel threatened at all.

"So what is this about, little brother?" He questioned arrogantly, tilting his chin as he, at last, gazed at Jasper.

The blond got even more serious, if that was really possible, and faced his five inches taller brother without hesitation.

"I know what you're hiding…" And right then, as soon as the clearly, surely spoken words were out, Edward's whole stance changed abruptly from a confident to an unsure one. "I know about your feelings."

It was as if icy cold water had been thrown from above Edward's head, freezing his whole body in a mere second. He felt his blood rushing to his feet once more that night, dizziness striking him and giving him the impression that the whole world around him had started to spin in a mad pace.

He looked for his voice but he didn't find it. Jasper's injected eyes were boring into him so fiercely that he couldn't even move from the spot.

As Jasper sneered again, this time feeling lordly victorious, Edward fell out of his momentary numbness and forced his voice out.

"What… Are you talking about?" He asked in a mumble, stuttering a little.

"Stop pretending, Edward." Jasper lost his patience. "What? Do you think I'm blind? Or stupid? You think I'm not able to put two and two together?" He questioned as his voice rose. "You said you can't be around me anymore because it hurts you too much. You said you couldn't see me with Jake… And now this?"

They stared at each other intensely, the tension filling the air and weighing on it as they both waited for the other to act.

Jasper stood his ground, although inwardly his emotions were smashing him, an unnamed, unexpected and inexplicable fear taking over him as he held his brother's stare.

Edward was way beyond scared, but he was at a loss of what to do... He was literally frozen.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" Jasper asked surprisingly softly.

"I have nothing to say." It was Edward's hesitant response.

Jasper got closer to him, effectively needing to tilt his head a bit back to be able to look at his brother's eyes.

"Just fucking admit it, all right?" His tone was low but hard. "I already know!"

Edward wanted to take a step back, but his body wasn't obeying his commands.

"W-what… Do you know...?"

"That you're in love…" Jasper affirmed fearlessly.

"That's not…"

"Don't try to deny it," He cut him off harshly. "I know you better than anybody else."

"Jasper…" And yes, Edward was practically pleading.

"Just say it. Say it out loud, admit it." Jasper demanded. "And we'll work this out…" His voice got softer at the end, as his countenance became almost expectant.

"I… I don't..." Edward shook his head, looking away from him.

"Fuck, Edward!" Jasper groaned angrily. "Stop trying to disguise it, please. Just say the fucking words… I know you're in love with Jake."

Looking hastily at his baby brother, unable to grasp how he was really feeling right then, Edward released a huffed breath while his befuddled eyes widened in disbelief.


	5. Open wounds

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Edward retraced the last events in his head in a flash, and as realization struck him, his frown softened and was replaced by a slightly disappointed expression that truly confused Jasper.

As the younger waited for the older brother to speak, Edward took a deep breath and, for the first time since that endless day started, he thought carefully about what he was going to say.

He looked into Jasper's eyes intensely, allowing his baby brother to see his honesty into his.

"I can see why you would jump into _that_ conclusion… But you're wrong." Jasper scoffed and shook his head but Edward raised a hand between them. "Listen to me." He asked firmly as he took a step closer to the blond. "You said you know me better than anyone else, and that's true. So, look into my eyes, Jasper." His voice had a hint of desperation that his brother didn't quite notice. "Really look into them and tell me if I'm lying." Jasper did what he asked to and sighed heavily. "I'm not in love with Jacob." Edward stated placidly, for what he was saying was the undeniable truth.

And as the truth in those few softly spoken words sank in, Jasper's jaw fell a little and his eyes widened just a tiny bit.

"But…" He didn't even notice the word slipping through his lips as he tried to concatenate his ideas in a way that made some sense. Suddenly, recognizing the veracity in his brother's stance, on his face, in his gaze, all his conjectures seemed so stupid… But then again, what other explanation could there be?

Edward, understanding Jasper was totally puzzled, and all of a sudden wanting desperately to put an end to that bizarre interaction between them, decided that he needed to explain his motives… Or at least make _some_ of them (preferably the harmless ones) clear.

So, as he closed his eyes and covered his face with both of his hands, he took a deep breath. Then he ran them through his short dark blond waves as he exhaled longly and heavily.

"You're not gay." Came Jasper's late conclusion in a low voice.

Edward looked at him, knowing that was pretty easy to confirm, although it was still a bit dubious to himself.

"I'm not." He said calmly and then sighed. "And I don't have a problem with you being one. I just…" He cut himself off before he'd speak too much.

Jasper, sensing he was again holding something back, acted fast. He held his brother's arms, oblivious to the jolt of heat that took over Edward's whole body in a blink, and pulled him even closer.

"Please." He was really begging. Edward shivered inwardly. "Speak to me. Explain it to me, Edward. I…" The desperation was as patent in his eyes as it was in his tone. "I can't stand this anymore."

Closing his eyes for just a second, so he could regain control, Edward held on to his decision.

He looked at Jasper with caution, his eyebrows furrowing softly as he nibbled the corner of his bottom lip. He was so tense he missed his brother's gaze flickering from his to his nervous gesture and back.

"I don't want you to hate me." Edward confessed in an impulse.

A soft, spontaneous sweet smile stretched Jasper's lips as his face assumed a tender expression.

"Edward, I love you. I could never hate you, you're my favorite person in the whole world, remember?" He spoke with passion, wanting his brother to be sure of his sentiment.

Little did he know that his words were making everything even more difficult for the older one.

"I know." Edward admitted with some reservation, which he tried not to show.

He just wished Jasper's love had the same nature as his… Even though he was utterly aware that wouldn't make any difference if true.

"So talk to me!" Jasper asked in a broken whisper, lightly squeezing Edward's arms.

After another heavy sigh, Edward softened his countenance.

"When you told us you were gay… I felt…" He started slowly, choosing carefully his words before speaking. "Shocked… At first. Not because I found out you were gay, but because I found that out just _then_." As Edward emphasized the last word, Jasper felt a pang in his heart as comprehension flooded his mind. "You used to tell me everything, we were more than confidants, more than best friends or simply brothers… We _trusted_ each other… Or at least that was what I thought was true."

"That _was_ what was true." Jasper assured.

"Then why you never told me?" He questioned softly, his eyes glinting with tears. "I felt so… Useless."

"Eddy, it wasn't like that…" Jasper tried.

But Edward was engaged in clarifying at least what he could.

"Just let me say everything I have to say." He requested carefully, using his most tender tone. "You wanted me to talk, so let me talk, and then you can argue whatever you feel you have to, okay?" Jasper nodded as he sighed once more. "That's what I felt, as if I was insignificant to you. I'd never thought you would keep something so important from me… But you did. And after the disappointment faded away, I felt simply betrayed."

He stopped talking, unable to go on. His eyes were welled up with humidity, his throat was tight, sore, allowing very little air to pass. The memories he was bringing up were very painful and way graver than his brother could understand…

And he felt inclined to disclose the whole thing.

But there was too much at stake, and he was not up to put all he had from Jasper at risk… he didn't want to lose his brother's love and respect over those filthy feelings he didn't seem able to get rid of.

So he bowed his head and stared at the floor, gathering himself.

Jasper, still a bit shaken by Edward's confession, was feeling as if his heart couldn't get smaller, his chest seemed compressed, his whole body heavy as if he was carrying the weight of the world.

His hands slipped from his brother's arms and hung loose along his sides. He observed the defeat clear in Edward's stance and had the urge to pull him and hold him and take that obvious pain away from him…

But he knew it was no use. So he just waited, feeling also a bit guilty for having hurt his brother without even noticing.

"I was never angry…" Edward spoke in a broken voice without looking at him. "I just tried hard to understand why you had kept that from me, why you hadn't trusted me with something that actually defined you…" He raised up his head and, as he looked back into Jasper's eyes the tears overflew and trickled down his face. "Why you had doubted my love for you."

"I've never…" Jasper's tone was also unsteady.

"You did." Edward cut him off with the statement but softly. "Or else you wouldn't have feared my reaction… You wouldn't have feared a rejection from me. That was what you were afraid of, wasn't it?"

Jasper's first thought was that he should have seen that one coming. He was aware Edward knew him as well as he knew him and was perfectly able to see through his walls.

Then a strong wave of regret assaulted him, furrowing his brows and making his bottom lip tremble.

"You should've known I would've never done that." Edward said as he too frowned, provoking tears to well up his brother's eyes.

"I'm sor…" Jasper started to say but never finished.

"Don't." Edward stated firmly as, in an impulsive gesture, he covered his brother's lips with the tip of his fingers.

Their eyes locked as Jasper released a sigh, the warmth of his breath making Edward's fingertips tingle.

It took less than two seconds for Edward to come to his senses and retreat his hand, clenching it into a fist, covering it with his other one and pulling them to his chest... But both siblings were flustered with the echo of the touch and the energy left in its wake...

And they couldn't tear their gazes apart.

For what seemed an eternity, Edward and Jasper stared into each other's eyes, their minds so fuzzy they were not able to apprehend one single thought.

A multitude of emotions were suddenly flowing through them, _between_ them, without their conscious permission…

And Jasper saw something… _Felt_ something…

But as he was almost grasping it…

"Babe?"

Jacob's voice came from somewhere in the dark, from behind Edward, and broke the spell as soon as reached the brothers' ears.

Edward released a heavy breath in a gush of air as his eyes fell to the floor.

Jasper, entirely disoriented, blinked a few times to pull himself together and looked over his brother's shoulder.

"He-here." He stuttered in a low voice, not really willing to have his boyfriend there at that precise moment.

Jacob heard Jasper's voice and, turning to where the sound came from, he was immediately taken by an unsettling feeling. He didn't know why but the way his boyfriend and his brother were standing, mere inches from each other, so comfortable in invading each other's personal space, their bodies completely turned to one another's direction, it bothered him in a manner he couldn't even describe, least of all understand.

After all, it was normal for brothers to be that close… Right?

Edward and Jasper had always been like that, but it had been a while since such situation was ordinary… By then they would always be distant from each other… So seeing them back to normal, maybe even subtly a little more than that, provoked strangeness in the brunet young man.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as discreetly as he was able to and stepped into the kitchen, promptly noticing the tension in the air, which led him to feel even more disturbed.

"Is everything okay?" His voice was so cautious, his eyes were so wary that Jasper unconsciously sensed his boyfriend's disapproval and unwittingly felt as if his stance was misplaced.

And that was why he took a step back and turned to where Jacob was standing.

"Yeah." He answered in a shaky tone, looking at his boyfriend with careful eyes.

Edward raised his head and looked at his brother, instantly perceiving the slight hesitancy in his facial expression.

That confused him a bit, but he didn't dwell on it. Actually, he didn't even have time to. What happened next made his mind freeze for a moment.

Jacob went straight to Jasper and, clearly ignoring Edward, held him by the waist and pulled his body to him, his lips easily attaching to Jasper's.

The blond, at first, couldn't make himself react fast enough. He was so surprised he didn't even move, nor he closed his eyes.

Edward, on the other hand, did move… He looked into Jasper's eyes with sheer pain welling his up, turned his back to the couple and left as fast as he could.

And as Jasper assimilated the hurt he'd just seen in his brother's gray irises something inside him triggered his brain and he came out of his stupor. And as he did so, an unpredicted and unreasonable anger rose in him.

He stepped back abruptly, pushing away from Jacob with some force, startling him.

"Why did you do that?" His tone was clearly disapproving and a bit louder than necessary.

Jacob frowned and felt as confused with Jasper's reaction as upset with the whole thing.

"What did I do?" He sounded wary but his voice was underlined with irritation.

"You know pretty well this tension between my brother and me is because I'm with you." Jasper's eyes were injected and his voice accusatory as he spoke sternly. "And then you kiss me right on his face?! Was it really necessary, Jake?"

"I just acted naturally." He explained in a nonchalant tone. "I don't see where the problem is." He shrugged.

Jasper huffed and ran his hand through his hair, a little puzzled with the annoyance he was feeling toward his boyfriend.

He too couldn't grasp what was the real issue. After all, he knew there was more to Edward's weird behavior than what he claimed as reason. He couldn't blame only Jacob for that, it seemed he was also a countable element on that whole situation, he just wasn't sure of how he fit in it. All he truly knew was that he was then even further from understanding what was really happening with his brother and why.

Jacob got closer to him again and, this time when he held his boyfriend's waist, Jasper let him and relaxed just a tiny bit against his body.

"Why did you come down here?" He asked Jacob with a softer voice.

"I woke up and didn't find you. I came looking for you." He answered simply in a whisper. "Let's go back to bed. You know I can't sleep well without you."

"You sleep without me everyday, Jake." Jasper replied in a tentative smile, his tone, as his emotions, lighter and getting more tender as he looked into his boyfriend's sweet brown pleading eyes.

"Why do you think I'm always tired, babe?" He practically purred with a seductive gaze over Jasper.

The blond chuckled, his aggravation decreasing exponentially.

He nodded slowly and kinda hesitantly, for he still had his brother's hurt stare filling his mind. But there at the end, knowing there was not much he could do, he placed his hands around Jacob's neck and gave in.

"Let's go back to bed." He echoed his _baby_ 's early statement in a light tone and a half smile.

And that was exactly what they did, although Jasper couldn't sleep at all that night.

*IMPOSSIBLE*

Bringing up memories is never a good idea… Especially when the elicited memories are ones to wound you deeper.

Edward knew that very well, but it wasn't like he was able to make those memories disappear, mainly because it was like they had a life of their own, they simply couldn't be controlled.

Sure, evoking them to be able to explain some things to Jasper had been necessary, and obviously he had been aware it would hurt him later… But he truly believed he already had _some_ kind of control over them.

He didn't know he was so mistaken.

As he clutched his shirt right over his chest, trying in vain to ease the pain and heaviness in his heart, he understood that no amount of time would ever prepare him to look into his hell journey or face reality.

He squeezed his eyes shut.

The image of Jacob kissing his brother mere inches from him was still fresh behind his eyelids… It was still torturing him when he closed the door of his bedroom behind him, leaned on it and slid to the floor.

He didn't want to think about that, but he couldn't control his mind, or the flood of moments that drowned him into his past against his will…

" _His name is Jasper." His mother's sweet voice explained slowly as he looked at her face with his big innocent eyes. "Do you want to hold him?"_

 _Edward was surprised and confused, and felt a little awkward as he nodded his little head and sat on the sofa right next to Esme. He didn't know he would become an older brother, although that was something he'd wanted for a long time. His four-year-old brain couldn't assimilate the situation properly yet, of course. He was not able to understand the emotions that were filling his little heart._

 _However, as the baby was placed in his chubby arms and he looked at his tiny face, and their eyes connected as if they were magnets, Edward felt the happiest he'd ever been._

" _Will you take good care of him, Edward?" His father's strong voice came from his other side, but he didn't avert his big gray eyes from the small green ones. "As the older brother you now have a big responsibility."_

" _I take care of him, papa." Edward affirmed in his childish tone._

 _And so he did. He lived up to his word, even though he was just a little kid when he gave it, and took care of his baby brother the most his age allowed. And he grew up with the sense of responsibility over Jasper ingrained in his mind and heart. And he believed that this sense of responsibility was the reason for his overprotectiveness and excessive need of Jasper's presence for a long while…_

 _Until things started to get clearer._

 _He was seventeen when he started to really assimilate the signs…_

 _They had been there all along, sure, but, before that, he hadn't quite gotten them, he couldn't have realized what was happening, for he was still innocent on the things of love and desire, although he'd always kinda known something in the way he cared so much about his younger brother was different._

 _But then… Then he was already conscious of his own urges and feelings. He knew his body and mind as well as a teenager his age would… So he begun to understand certain things he hadn't before._

 _There was this particular moment, in a Saturday evening during that summer, when they were all alone at the house._

 _Jasper was thirteen and his body had just started to become stronger, his lean muscles getting a bit more evident due to his constant triathlon practices. Edward had always noticed his brother's development. He was constantly by his side, cheering for him, encouraging him, helping him as he could, it would have been impossible for him to be oblivious about Jasper's growth…_

 _But that moment at the pool… That precise moment when Jasper emerged right between his open legs that were immersed to the knees on the cold water… That was the very first moment Edward truly felt the effect his brother had on him, although not thoroughly._

" _Are you just gonna sit here and watch?" Jasper asked in a defiant tone, looking at his brother with one eyebrow arched high on his forehead. "I was hoping for some competition."_

 _Edward laughed, but it was more out of sudden nervousness than simple fun. His brother's hands on his thighs made him feel weirdly uncomfortable, an odd sensation contracting his stomach and making the inside of his mouth dry out of the blue._

" _It's just too cold, the sun is gone." He tried to get out of it. "I can count the laps for you."_

" _Oh, c'mon Eddy." Jasper whined as he raised his arms until he reached his brother's shoulders. "The water is warm."_

 _Edward just shook his head, his hands holding the border of the pool just a little bit more forcefully._

" _The water is warm but the wind is not." He replied as he unconsciously leaned forward a bit._

 _Jasper just took advantage of his brother's position and placed his hands behind Edward's neck._

" _You know I'll just make you dive, don't you?"_

" _I'm stronger than you." Edward answered as he balanced his weight in the opposite direction so not to fall forward._

 _Jasper's half smile made an appearance and his eyes glinted with mischief._

" _But I'm faster and smarter." he said just before he nudged Edward's side with the hand he had freed without his brother's awareness._

 _Being ticklish was one of Edward's weaknesses that Jasper usually made use of to get things his way whenever his older brother refused him. And so, as Edward contorted his body in reaction to his brother's touch, he lost his balance and Jasper pulled him into the pool._

 _They came out of the water just seconds later, Jasper still holding Edward's neck and their bodies way closer than before._

 _For the younger it was just another prank, another one of the so many fun moments he'd had with his brother. For Edward, though, seeing Jasper's face mere inches from his and his sparkling eyes and broad smile so up close, it was the beginning of the most emotionally confusing period of his life._

Huffing and shaking his head he pushed away the memories. As he came back to the present he opened his eyes and leaned his head back on the wood of his bedroom door.

If he could just understand why… Why he'd fallen in love with Jasper that was the last person on earth he could ever have…

He knew it was no use, though. It didn't really matter the reason, he was utterly aware his feelings would never change…

But he would try to repress them. And he had an idea of what was the best way to do so.


	6. Emotional storms

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 _Edward had just put the last suitcase in when, out of a sudden, Jasper appeared by his side and sat on the car trunk threshold._

 _He looked at his brother with a frown, but the younger didn't really see it… He was looking straight forward._

" _Why are you doing this?" The question came out in a very low tone, making it impossible for Edward to catch the inflexion of confusion and slight sadness in Jasper's voice._

" _Why am I doing what?" He gave it back as he sat next to his brother facing him._

 _Jasper mirrored Edward's position, folding on leg and turning his body toward him, and finally looked into his eyes. They both sighed as the patent turmoil in the blond's green irises was noticed by the older brother._

" _Why are you leaving?"_

 _The phrase hang in the air for a tense moment._

 _Edward had a plausible answer ready to be used, the one he had been using to respond to everyone… But it was so hard to lie to Jasper…_

" _Dartmouth is Ivy league, Jay." He limited his prepared argument to the part that was true. "Do I really need to say more?"_

" _This kinda stuff never meant much to you. Because you've never wanted to be away." Jasper reasoned. "You were accepted by three Ivy League schools and still you chose NYU… Because you wanted to stay home."_

 _Edward looked away from him and dropped his eye to the pavement._

" _I changed my mind." He spoke gingerly._

 _After a huffed sigh, Jasper shook his head slowly and also looked away to a random point ahead of him. He bit the inside of his cheek in a nervous manner, so to refrain the unexpected and increasing urge to cry that took over him._

 _Silence settled between them, for both didn't really know what else to say… Until Jasper, being spontaneous as was his nature, let the truth flow through his lips without any filter._

" _I don't want you to go." It was just a whisper, but Edward heard it and shivered inwardly in response. "I want… I need you here by my side, I don't want to be without you, miles away from you."_

" _It's not that far…" Edward spoke hesitantly. "And we have cellphones and internet. It's not like we'll never talk to each other anymore."_

" _We rarely talk nowadays and we are still under the same roof." Jasper was plainly ironic, but he was actually talking to himself and Edward noticed that. "Once you're in Hanover it will just get worse."_

 _The older brother didn't reply. He couldn't say that was exactly the point, that he was going away to be far, to avoid him, to prevent his secret from being uncloaked._

" _You won't say a thing, huh?" After a while Jasper insisted for one last time._

 _Edward looked at him with caution, his eyes guarded._

" _What else is there for me to say?" His tone was unsteady._

 _Jasper pursed his lips and frowned as he stood up and huffed. Then he simply turned with his back to his brother and got into the house without another word._

Edward closed the trunk lid with a muffled bang and heaved a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment, trying in vain to push away the memory.

Once again he was leaving… Once again he was running away from the danger of being under the same roof as his brother… Once again he was forcing himself to be far from the one he loved… Just to protect him… To protect his family… To protect himself.

He leaned on the car with his forehead touching the glass of the rear windshield. The cold sensation provided _some_ (but of course not enough) relief to the heat spreading through his skin. He almost felt ill, so uncomfortable and restless he was with the amount of contrasting emotions battling inside him.

He needed to go back, he needed Alice's warmth and Emmett's shoulder, he needed his friends and his routine, he needed to be busy and to leave no room in his mind to welcome his heart's vile musings and desires… He needed distance.

But that wasn't what he _wanted_.

He wanted...

He wanted fingers entangled in long blond satin waves… Gray eyes locked in ocean green ones… Large hands running along smooth porcelain skin… Teeth nibbling pink full lips...

"Can I talk to you?"

Startled, Edward's eyes shot open as he jumped back.

Jasper's request had been soft and low, but still Edward reacted as if he had screamed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't intend to scare you." The blond said barely containing a chuckle.

"I was…" He swallowed hard as his eyes fell to the lips he was daydreaming about. "Distracted."

"I would say _absent_ for you to leap back like that." And then he couldn't hold back his giggles.

Edward, still a bit absent-minded, looked at him with vacant eyes, his mind fuzzy and unable to process the amusement on his brother's face.

For that Jasper got a bit serious.

"You're all set to go." He acknowledged in a detached tone.

That was the moment Edward came to his senses and payed attention.

"I am."

"We need…"

"...To talk." He completed before his brother could. "I know." He took a deep breath. "Listen, Jay, I know things are weird between us, and I know you don't understand much of it, or my reasons, but… Can you just take my word for it? It's better this way."

Jasper's eyes welled up with tears as he drew his eyebrows together.

"It isn't." He said through his teeth. "But I won't insist on trying to make you tell me what's going on… Can you… Please, just hear me out?"

Both brother's heart clenched. Edward's for he was seeing his brother's hurt… It was plain on his face and it hurt him right back. Jasper's for fear of rejection… But he was decided to take the leap.

Edward nodded but didn't say a thing.

"I don't care if you never explain to me what the problem is…." Jasper affirmed in a firmer tone. "I don't care if we never go back to the way things were. I just want to have you back in my life, even if just a small part of you…" He got closer to his brother. "I just want you to be there for me, in whatever terms you determine, I'll accept anything, any part of you you feel that still belongs to me…" His voice broke and he had to breathe in before he could go on. "Any fragment of you is better than this…" He shook his head slowly as Edward's eyes too flooded with thick tears. "...It's better than nothing."

"Jay…" Edward uttered as the humidity trailed down his face.

Jasper held both his arms and searched his gaze until he was sure Edward's eyes weren't escaping his. Their stares locked.

"Let's just… Talk on the phone… Sometimes. About nothing in special, just… Talk."

Edward started to shake his head but Jasper was faster. He moved his hands to his brother's head and held it firmly as to refrain the gesture.

"Don't say no." He demanded, and on the inside Edward felt as if he immediately bowed to his brother's command. "You actually don't have to do anything besides picking up the phone." He explained hurrying through the words. "Can you do that?"

He didn't answer… He was lost in the tropical green eyes that were boring into him.

"Edward." Jasper shook him softly. "Answer me."

He actually had no other option besides giving in… His brother wasn't asking for much anyway, and he too missed their relationship, their connection. A phone call now and then wouldn't put his secret at risk.

So he sighed and closed his eyes for an instant. Then he nodded.

"Okay." He murmured.

"Okay?" Jasper wanted to confirm, his tone getting just a tad higher.

"I'll pick up the phone."

"You promise?"

They both chuckled unexpectedly.

"Have I ever lied to you?" Edward questioned with one perfect eyebrow arched high.

He didn't consider his omissions as lies…

"No." Jasper replied in a smile, innocent of the hidden truth and guilt his brother had to deal with constantly.

"So it's a deal." Edward stated in a sigh, trying to keep the neutral expression on his face regardless of the unrest raging into his mind and heart.

He was afraid, even though he wasn't really sure of the reason, but there was something pleasing in being afraid because of that specific situation…

And then, out of the blue, none of it mattered.

In a sudden (and definitely unexpected) gesture, Jasper moved toward his brother. Edward took less than a second to assimilate that his sibling's arms were around him, that his forehead was leaning on his chest, and that their bodies were flush with one another.

As on Jasper's birthday, he reacted naturally and held him back… But as his stronger arms tightened their contact, something, an unknown sensation, flicked inside the blond and he shuddered subtly in reaction… Just as Edward felt his whole body getting covered in goosebumps.

"What was that?" Jasper involuntarily thought out loud.

At that moment they were pretty close… It would have been impossible for Edward not to have heard that. And of course he understood it wrongly.

Dread took over him.

Had Jasper felt his reaction to their touch?

"What?" He asked softly, controlling his voice so not to sound as scared as he felt, while pulling away from Jasper as kindly as he could. "What was what, what do you mean?"

Feeling a bit disoriented, Jasper gazed into his brother's eyes with questioning ones. He opened his mouth to speak, although he had no idea what he was about to say, but then...

"Edward, did you pack the books?" Carlisle's voice, steady and strong, startled them.

With bigger and plainly surprised eyes, both siblings turned their heads promptly to the entrance of the house to see their parents already near them.

"Oh my dears, did we interrupt?" Esme asked from her husband's side.

Edward was fast to answer.

"No, we were just…" He started with a slightly strained tone.

"Talking." Jasper provided, turning his head to him and frowning.

His mind was clearing up but he still felt confused.

Carlisle looked at his children attentively, perceiving how their bodies were communicating closeness but also a bit of tension. He immediately understood his sons had been talking, probably about their relationship, and felt relieved. Edward seemed to be trying, just as he said he would.

He got closer to his first born and held his shoulders with a firm, but at the same time, tender grip.

"Did you pack the books?" He asked again, assuming his elder son hadn't heard him the first time.

"I did. They're in the trunk." Edward answered steadily.

"Do you have everything else you need?" Esme questioned in her soft voice, already before him.

"Yeah, mom." Edward replied in a smile.

"Are you leaving now?" His father asked.

He turned to Carlisle with sudden saddened eyes.

"I have to, if I want to make it there before it gets dark." He chuckled and looked back at his mother who nodded. "Mom gets worried if I drive at night."

Carlisle chuckled too and looked at his wife.

"When are you going to realize he's already a grown up man?" He asked in a humorous tone. "Besides, he's a very good driver." It was possible to hear the plain pride in Carlisle's words.

Esme held Edward's face between her delicate hands.

"I don't care if you're twenty-six. You're still a baby to me." The inflection of love mirroring the sentiment glinting in her eyes. "No driving at night and risking your precious life. Go."

Edward laughed lightly as his father, and hugged his mother with a warmed heart.

"I love you, mom. I'll call you as soon as I get home."

Esme nodded on his shoulder and they got apart, so Carlisle had his turn hugging his beloved son.

"I'm happy to understand that you two talked." He whispered as he tapped Edward's back.

And this incited Edward to look at Jasper, who was quiet right behind their mother. His green eyes were incisive, as if he was anxiously searching for something…

And as the gray eyes returned the intensity, he frowned deeply, trying to understand what was behind his brother's piercing gaze… And _what the hell_ was that arousing inside him.

Edward was just puzzled… And apprehensive. He was trying to read his baby brother's emotion, the one that was so plain on his whole face, but he couldn't recognize or name it.

Oblivious to the brothers' silent exchange, Carlisle pulled away from Edward, unaware that he was forcing him to unwillingly break eye contact with Jasper and look at him.

"Did you two reconcile?"

Tense and anguished, Edward just tried to hurry things up.

"We did. I have to go, dad."

"Okay." He accepted in a smile and nod. "Have a safe trip."

"Drive safely." Esme added as Carlisle stepped away and she got closer.

She left a lingering kiss on Edward's forehead and also stepped away, giving room for Jasper to get, once more, closer to his brother.

They exchanged another deep stare, and then Jasper's gaze softened and he raised his hand to his brother's nape.

Edward restrained a shudder.

"Get home safe." His voice was low enough that only Edward was able to hear. "Take care of yourself for me, okay?"

Feeling his heart swelling impossibly much and his breath hitching, Edward nodded while nibbling his bottom lip.

Once again, due to his trepidation, he missed the almost imperceptible movement of his brother's eyes, that flickered between his anxious gesture and back to his gaze.

"I love you." Jasper practically mouthed, for his voice failed inexplicably.

The air got caught up in Edward's throat, but he swallowed forcibly… Those were the only moments he could say the words without raising suspicion.

" _I_ love you." He said firmly, although in a soft tone. Then he held his brother's bracelet around his wrist. " _Plus que ma propre vie._ " He rushed through the french words with his perfect accent, provoking an inadvertent wave of goosebumps to spread along Jasper's spine.

Then they were apart.

Faster than Jasper could follow Edward was already opening his car door and sitting on the driver's seat. The muffled bang of the door closing ripped him out of the haze he hadn't even noticed his mind was under influence…

The engine roared low and Jasper took a step back. Edward backed up the car a little before pulling out, and then he was driving away without looking back…

Or at least that was what his brother thought. Because for real Jasper was framed in the rear-view mirror, from where Edward's eyes moved away only after he was out of the Cullen property and needed to put his attention on the road ahead.

Jasper felt his heart tighten oddly as the black SUV, a _Volkswagen T-Roc R,_ disappeared around the corner after the property gate. He was still confused with the sensations running within him, it was actually hard to breathe…

But in the end he just assumed it was all related to his brother's absence and to the fact he really missed him, and their connection, terribly…

After all, was there any other reason for him to feel that strange way?

*IMPOSSIBLE*

Halfway home, and Edward was still tense, his body still rigid due to the focus he was keeping so not to let the memories crawl their way back into his conscious mind. He took a deep breath, feeling tired of course… It was hard to be so concentrated and in control all the time.

But, at least so far, he was succeeding.

Until the first chords of that song reached his ears and took hold of him.

That was one of the songs playing on his sound system that night… That fateful night.

 _Edward pressed play on his iPod and sat on his bed as_ Sum 41 _started to resound around the room._

 _His parents were traveling, something about an important conference regarding one of the company's subsidiaries, and they would be away for the weekend. Jasper was locked in his room as usual, and he wouldn't mind the noise, so he could listen to his music without having to worry about the volume._

 _He opened his favorite copy of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories right on the marked page and got comfortable, leaning on the headboard as he started to read 'The cask of amontillado' from where he had stopped the night before._

 _The rainy night went on… And Edward lost track of time as he read page after page, so engrossed on Poe's words and deeply surrounded by the loud music that he never noticed the thunderstorm settling down outside._

 _If he had realized the lightnings flashing outside, or the blustering sound of the so many thunders, he would have predicted what happened and wouldn't have been taken by surprise…_

 _Edward turned another page as his brother burst through his bedroom door. By his side vision he identified Jasper's abrupt entry and rose his head promptly. As his younger brother leaned on the mahogany door, livid, wide eyes and parted lips, chest heaving, he looked outside through his window right when a thunderbolt crashed on the dark sky… And so he immediately understood._

 _The book was tossed aside carelessly and Edward strode to his baby brother quickly._

 _Jasper was not simply afraid of thunderstorms… He was traumatized by them. The rumbling sound and the flashes reminded him of the one and only summer camp he had ever gone to and the almost three hours he had spent lost deep into the forest that surrounded it, all alone, cold and scared. He had been only nine back then, and the police officers that had found him told the Cullens it was a true miracle he was still alive. A lightning strike had hit the ground no less than ten feet away from where he had been. And although six whole years had passed, Jasper had not overcome the deeply disturbing experience._

" _I'm here." Edward spoke as softly as he could so not to startle him. "You're home, and safe." He repeated the words he had learned were effective to lessen the strong emotions aroused by the panic attack._

 _Jasper's eyes were frozen toward the window._

" _Hey, look at me." Edward asked tenderly and waited till he did so. "You're with me, just focus on my face, okay?" Jasper nodded hesitantly and he showed both his hands. "I'm gonna touch you."_

 _Slowly and carefully he held his brother's shoulders and instantly felt his heart clenching. Jasper was trembling. Seeing him so scared and vulnerable made Edward feel so torn…_

 _But there was something else… Something more… Something he had noticed had been growing inside him with no control… Something he had been avoiding looking into because he was afraid, actually,_ terrified _, of what it really meant._

 _Anyway he concentrated on taking care of Jasper. Whatever that unknown emotion was, it wasn't as important as keeping his brother sane and safe._

 _He sat him down on his bed and rushed to lower the blinds. With all the windows completely covered, Edward went to his iPod and turned up the volume just a bit more, making it difficult for the outside noises to penetrate._

 _Then he got back to Jasper, who at this point was covered in cold sweat, his skin clammy and really pale._

 _He crouched in front of his brother and wrapped his hands around his tight fists that were gripping the mattress edge._

" _Tell me five things you can see." He requested in a low tone, his eyes attentive in Jasper's green ones._

 _After a trembled breath, the younger answered slowly._

" _Dresser. Lamp. bedside table. Chair. You." He numbered as his eyes bored into Edward._

" _Four things you can hear." Edward went on._

" _Best of me, Sum 41." A smile played on the corner of Jasper's lip and Edward chuckled lightly. "The heater. My voice. Your voice."_

 _As usual at this point in this kind of situation, Edward was able to notice his brother's shoulders relaxing and feel his fists loosening up ._

" _Now three things you can feel."_

 _Jasper took a little longer than really necessary to answer… Inexplicably it made Edward's heart jolt._

" _Fear." The younger said through clenched teeth as the elder understood that mentioning, and therefore_ assuming _it, was hard. "Weakness. Your hands."_

 _Edward swallowed hard. His touch being acknowledged provoked a weird sense of satisfaction in him._

" _Tell me two things you can smell." Although he didn't realize, his voice got deeper, and his gaze more intense._

 _Oddly enough, Jasper smiled as if recognizing something comforting._

" _Vanilla." Edward smiled as well, for that was his favorite aroma, and because of that, the predominant aroma of his room and his perfumes. "And Vanilla."_

 _They both sighed, and Edward felt Jasper's hands unclenching under his._

 _He carefully assessed his brother's stance and gladly assumed he was no longer under a panic crisis. He had successfully calmed him down. Now it was time to start comforting him._

" _One thing you can taste." He asked the last element of the counting down, feeling strangely nervous all of a sudden._

 _Both brothers licked their lips involuntarily, but Edward was the one to unconsciously drop his gaze to Jasper's ajar mouth._

" _Vanilla." Jasper answered in a soft chuckle while shrugging. Then his tentative smile turned into a crooked grin._

 _Heat spread unexpectedly and unmercifully inside Edward. He felt his face blushing and his heart bolting… And so he was deeply embarrassed and didn't know how to act… But he couldn't let it show. He wasn't sure why, but he knew those emotions were not to be revealed._

Long deep breath. One profound inhalation… A prolonged exhalation.

He shook his head softly as his mind came back to the present… Although not completely.

He could still recall that, later that night, while his fifteen-year-old brother had been sleeping wrapped in his arms, Edward at last realized what he had been unknowingly denying…

That night, seven years before, was the night he admitted to himself the heavy terrible truth he had avoided, the feeling that had grown against his will and better judgement, and that he'd not had even a chance to fight...

He took the last turn to the right and could already see his building at the end of the street.

He heaved a sigh as his shoulders relaxed.

He was home… He was safe.

At least until he went to sleep and his past would come to hunt him...


	7. Pieces

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

" _I don't want to be alone, Tonton." Jasper said in an almost whisper, his nickname for Edward falling from his lips in a plea, his eyebrows drawn together and his eyes saddened._

 _Edward looked away from his fragile expression to be able to think, and as he did so, he resumed drying his brother's hair with a towel._

 _They were sitting again on Edward's bed, one turned toward the other, after Jasper had taken a shower to better calm down._

 _The storm was lighter outside, and getting weaker by the minute… But it didn't cause Jasper any relief, he was still fearful._

 _Edward felt weird and confused. The emotions and sensations he had been dealing with for the past two years were getting stronger, provoking other unknown feelings that were increasingly disturbing him._

 _Jasper needing him and looking at him like that didn't help… At all. It truly made things even worse. So he wasn't sure of what to do._

 _All he knew was that he had to protect his little brother. Despite any troubles he'd have with it._

 _With that in mind, and suppressing the strange urges inside him as best as he could, he looked back at Jasper's eyes._

 _His breath got immediately caught up in his throat as he recognized the frailty in the green of his brother's irises._

" _Will you feel better if I sleep in you room, Jade?" He practically forced the words out of his mouth since that idea was oddly provoking a fluttering sensation in his stomach._

" _Can't I sleep here?" Jasper asked in an even weaker voice._

 _Edward heaved a breath, trying hard to understand why he felt so nervous all of a sudden._

" _You can." His voice was unstable. "You can have my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."_

" _No, Tonton." Jasper whined grabbing Edward's arms. "I won't be able to sleep with you on the other side of the room, it won't help."_

 _Remembering their mother always slept with him when this kind of situation happened, the sensation in Edward's stomach intensified. Having never felt that before, Edward got involuntarily rigid… He didn't even know how to describe the feeling, it seemed like there was a buzz, as if thousand bees were flying around inside him and trying desperately to come out of his body._

" _What do you need me to do, Jade…?" He asked softly, even though he already knew the answer._

" _I need you to sleep next to me." Jasper spoke in such an innocent way that he seemed even younger and more vulnerable to Edward._

 _Without realizing, and feeling unexpectedly scared, Edward nodded, still wanting nothing more than to protect and soothe his baby brother._

 _So he waited for Jasper to settled down on one side of the bed, turned off the lights and turned on the lamps on the bedside tables, and lay down after pulling the comforter over his and his brother's legs._

 _Not a minute later Jasper snuggled up against his side. His heart jolted and he felt as if his blood had heated up and was rushing unmercifully inside his veins._

 _He felt feverish._

" _I'm cold." The younger murmured, his eyes sleepy, his face showing how beaten he was due to the emotional struggle he had just experienced._

 _Admonishing himself, because he knew that feeling that much of volition to have his brother in his arms was not normal, Edward opened his crossed arms slowly, uncertainly, while gazing hesitantly to Jasper, and waited._

 _The younger cuddled up to him, resting his head on his shoulder. Edward's arms immediately surrounded Jasper protectively._

 _As his breathing started evening out, Edward held his breath for just a moment, so he would be able to ease the rapid and strong beats of his heart, and try to reason._

 _He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, fixing his stare on the ceiling._

 _He was nineteen, he was not naive anymore…_

 _For sure he had never been one to have lots of girlfriends, and he had not hooked up much…_

 _He'd had sex before, though, with both the girls he'd dated. He already knew how attraction worked, the sensations and urges it provoked in his body, what wanting to have someone physically felt like…_

 _Nibbling his bottom lip he swallowed hard and released the breath he'd been holding in a gush of air._

 _The worst of it all was that he couldn't even leave the room running as he felt compelled to… Jasper needed him right there at that moment. Nor could he scold himself out loud or burst in a tantrum… He had to hold himself together since he was taking care of his brother._

 _But he wanted desperately to do those things…._

 _Because right then and there, feeling Jasper's soft and warm skin against his, the scent of his hair and smoothness of the strands that were touching his cheek, he finally comprehended one of the many urges that had been developing inside of him for the last two years…_

 _And he could not simply accept that._

 _He was not gay. He was sure of it. He had never once felt attracted to a boy._ Never _._

 _Until that very night…_

 _Because_ sexual attraction _was exactly what he was feeling for his brother._

 _His_ brother _no less..._

 _Edward frowned so intensely his forehead hurt. He felt so dirty…_

 _How could he have let that happen?! How could he dare to desire his own brother?!_

 _Jasper was his blood, his family, the person he was supposed to care for and, on top of all that… He was fifteen, he was just a kid!_

 _Edward felt sick. He clenched his hands in fists and felt his stomach churning… He wanted to beat himself up, he wanted to bash his head against the wall until it bled open, he wanted to kill himself for being such a vile person..._

 _Outside a loud thunder crashed._

 _Jasper trembled in his sleep and pressed his body against Edward even more. Edward immediately focused on him, loosening up his hands and tightening his hold around him almost automatically. His heart threatened to fly out of his chest as butterflies flooded his stomach._

 _He turned his face just a little as Jasper moved his head a bit, still deep in his slumber. He just wanted to make sure he was still asleep but, once his eyes fell on his little brother's perfect face he could not look away anymore._

 _Seeing how pure Jasper seemed, Edward's heart felt small, but also, and oddly, warmed… And so he was able to see further, deeper._

 _He was not only yearning for his brother's body… That wasn't simple attraction, that was way more than desire…_

 _And as he searched for a word that could name the sentiment that was taking over him, it seemed that, as being acknowledged, it expanded…_

 _And for that something clicked inside Edward's mind… And the name came as easily as the understanding._

Completeness _. That was the blunt emotion filling Edward's heart as he allowed himself to relish having Jasper in his arms at that moment. And although he had never felt that before, he simply knew what it meant_.

Love _._

 _He closed his eyes again. This time with subtlety._

 _Of course he knew what he felt for his brother was love, but… He had never felt that_ kind or _that_ level _of love before… It was all completely different from what he had always felt for Jasper..._

 _He had never felt anything so strong either…_

 _Without any warning his eyes flooded with tears. He didn't even need to open his eyelids for them to trickle down his temples…_

 _Moments, situations, small, almost imperceptible details, sensations, emotions, thoughts… Everything, little by little, fell into place as if pieces of a jigsaw puzzle were being assembled. As each element was combined with the others he realized for how long he had been denying the reality._

 _Edward finally understood everything he had been feeling due to the last bit of that puzzle, the simplest element of all, the one truth he could see crystal clear…_

 _He wanted nothing more than to have Jasper exactly like that… In his arms, and all to himself,_ forever _._

 _He wanted to keep holding him endlessly… He wanted to never let him go…_

 _And He wanted Jasper to feel the same for him…_

 _A low sob bubbled up his throat and he was not able to contain it._

 _He had never fallen in love in his whole life, but somehow he simply knew..._

 _He was in love with his brother. And for that he was doomed._

 _Another thunder, a stronger one, resonated from outside and made the glasses of the windows shake. Jasper opened his eyes startled, his whole body immediately rigid._

" _Shhhh, You're safe." Edward said as fast and as softly as he could. "I'm here. I'll protect you." He vowed as he moved one of his hands to Jasper's hair._

 _Jasper nodded slowly as Edward ran his fingers through his blond strands in a soothing motion. Soon his eyelids were heavy and he closed them again._

" _I'll always protect you." Edward murmured as Jasper's breath evened out._

 _*IMPOSSIBLE*_

The annoying noise kept increasing… Louder and louder until it was impossible to ignore it.

Edward opened his eyes unwillingly, searching grumpily for the source of such an upsetting sound.

 _Oh, the phone…_ He thought irritated before he stretched his arm to reach it on his bedside table.

His heart stumbled through the beats as he checked the screen. He almost missed the call since he took too long to answer, uncertain about doing so. But he remembered his promise…

"Did I wake you?" Jasper's husky voice reached his ear and made him nervous.

"No." He lied. He didn't want him to hang up.

"I wasn't sure whether you were sleeping or working… So I just called." His voice gave away his hesitation. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Jade." Edward let the words fell of his mouth with tenderness.

And then he heard Jasper's subtle chuckle.

"What?" He asked a bit confused.

"Nothing." Jasper replied in a jolly tone. Edward could clearly hear and picture the smile he obviously had on his face. "I'm just surprised."

"Surprised?" Edward wasn't following at all, but hearing his brother's tone he too was unconsciously smiling.

"You didn't even noticed…" Jasper commented as an afterthought. "You just called me _Jade_. I think you haven't call me like this since I was seventeen."

And it was only then Edward realized he had used his nickname for Jasper indeed.

He reasoned that maybe it had been just a reflex of the memory he experienced all over again in his dreams the past night.

"You used to have a nickname for me too." It wasn't his intention to say that, but it came out spontaneously in a soft tone.

"I did." Jasper replied lowly.

And then he took a little longer than expected to proceed.

Edward moved carefully on the mattress, trying to be as subtle as he could, and sat leaning his back on the headboard of his bed. He opened his mouth to speak.

"I miss calling you 'Tonton'." Jasper spoke before he could.

Edward smiled as he fiddled with the bed sheet over his abdomen.

"I was about to say that _I_ missed you calling me like that." He confessed, his head down, his eyes on his hands, his cheeks warm and blushing, and a natural smile on his lips. "You were the only one that did so."

"Of course I was the only one, _I_ came up with it." It was clear in his voice that Jasper was proud of that fact.

"Actually, I think grandma helped you." Edward added as he recalled it. "She used to call me Anthon, because it was grandpa's name. You were just a toddler by then, and she had already passed away when you were learning to speak, but I guess it somehow influenced you."

Jasper chuckled more pronouncedly this time.

"You're probably right. I couldn't have known by then that your middle name is Anthony, mom and dad never called you like that." His tone was light and amused. "Do you remember the first time I called you 'Tonton'?"

It was Edward's turn to chuckle.

"I don't have that great of a memory. But I guess you were around five, 'cause my oldest remembrance of you _screaming_ the nickname" They both laughed softly. "was when we were at aunt Lorraine's house in Canada, and I was nine by then, so..."

"I miss the old days." Jasper said, nostalgia heavy in his voice.

"Yeah, me too." Edward admitted spontaneously.

"And I miss _you_." Jasper added in a soft whisper. "It's been three weeks already…"

Edward wanted to say that he missed him too but the phrase didn't come out. So he approached the other subject as to temporize.

"It will probably be five months until I go back…" His tone was a bit melancholic, even though he truly preferred for things to be that way.

"So you'll spend your birthday there…" Jasper's voice was darker than his.

They were silent for a moment, and Edward felt uncomfortable. He knew he was making his brother unhappy, and that was the last thing he wanted.

He couldn't help it though… He couldn't go back to New York often or he would be doomed, and Christmas was already a sort of obligation, he had to spend it with his family otherwise his mother would be truly sad… And it was definitely a hard time… He didn't think going back earlier would be any good.

"November will be a busy month." He tried to justify, but his voice sounded hesitant. "I'll be finalizing my internship and I'll have a ton of reports to hand in…"

"I get it." Jasper replied in a soft, saddened sigh. "Just another November first you'll be away."

"Don't be mad." Edward practically pleaded.

He heard Jasper sighing again.

"I'm not… I'm just sad."

"Don't be."

"This will be your third birthday I miss…" He was obviously despondent. "Don't ask me to be okay with it."

And again they were silent and mulling over what to say to each other. Edward was the first to say something once more, allowing his emotions to guide his words as he'd been doing since the conversation started.

"I'm sorry. It's just…"

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." Sounding repentant, Jasper rushed through the words. "You don't have to explain." He assured in a soft tone. "I'm happy you picked up the phone and we talked. I don't wanna pressure you for more, I'm sorry."

Edward hesitated for an instant, but he couldn't have restraint his next words… They simply poured out of him.

"I wish I could give you more, Jade, I really wish I could, but I…"

"Good morning, sunshine!" The melodic voice came from Edward's side, surprising him and making him stop talking and turn to look.

Jasper's reaction was also immediate.

"Who's that?" He asked, his voice lower than before.

Edward couldn't tell, but Jasper's tone was slightly strained. As for him, talking to his brother as he had a naked woman on his bed by his side made him feel oddly uncomfortable.

"That's… Alice." He answered hesitantly and turned to his companion, that gave him a sleepy smile.

"I didn't know you have a girlfriend."

It did not escape Edward that Jasper's tone was plainly dry, and it promptly confused him. He frowned.

"She's…" He started to explain, feeling addled.

"Who's on the phone, baby?" Alice asked as she sat up on the mattress, not bothering that the comforter had slid down and her breasts were exposed.

"It's my brother." Edward answered.

He felt awkward and ambivalent.

"I guess I better go." Jasper said on the other end, his voice giving away how uncomfortable he suddenly was.

"I'm sorry." Edward mumbled on the phone weirdly guilty.

"It's okay. We can talk in another time." Jasper assured, but his voice was still detached.

Edward got even more puzzled.

"Alright." He answered softly.

They both took a minute.

"I love you, Edward." Jasper broke the silence with a soft whisper.

The whole universe around Edward disappeared for a moment.

He closed his eyes, relishing his brother's words and tender tone. Then he took a deep breath, so to seize the one opportunity he would never miss...

"I love you too."

He was able to hear his brother"s heaved sigh.

"Bye." Jasper said almost too quietly for his brother to hear.

But he did, and the sadness compressed his heart.

"Bye, Jade."

As the call was disconnected, Alice moved slowly and straddled Edward's lap. And although their skin contact was total, since he was completely naked as well, his body didn't respond.

For sure he could not explain that to himself… It _was_ truly strange that inwardly he was suddenly feeling ashamed of having had sex with Alice the whole previous night…

"You okay, cub?" She asked him while holding his face with her small hands so to make him look at her.

Edward gazed at her soft brown eyes and tried to smile.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Obviously he was lying, but Alice could never tell. She had known Edward for almost two years but they only got closer after a drunken night following one of his many returns from home a year and a half before…

Since then they had been _friends with benefits_ , given both agreed on the _no strings attached_ philosophy when it came to their relationship.

So they were mostly pretty honest with each other, and they knew one another well but… Alice, just as everybody else in Edward's life, had no idea he carried a heavy secret that had made him rather good in disguising his true emotions.

There was only one person who was able to see through Edward's pretenses, and even he was not so cunning as to realize the truth behind his facade.

"Is everything okay with your family? You seemed a bit sad just now." She affirmed while squinting just a little.

"Everything is alright. It's just…" He interrupted himself, feeling too emotional to approach that subject.

He was definitely afraid of revealing too much.

But although Alice didn't know Edward as well as Jasper and was not as shrewd as he was, she had some sharp senses.

"You miss your brother." She stated, secure of her judgment.

Not seeing a problem in agreeing with that, Edward just nodded.

"I could tell by the way you said goodbye…" Alice explained while moving away from his lap and sitting by his side on the bed. "You never talk about him…" She added in a cautious tone. "You talk a lot about your mom, and you told me a little about your dad… But never about… Jasper, is it?"

Edward nodded again, then sighed and looked at her face with guarded eyes.

"My relationship with him is a bit… Complicated." He evaded with what was nearest to the truth.

"What's the matter?" She insisted softly.

Knowing well what that discussion could entail, Edward realized it was time to distract Alice… And he knew something infallible to reach such goal.

"I don't really wanna talk about my brother, Alice..." He said as he turned completely to her, feigning an interest far stronger than what he really felt, and holding her waist not so subtly. "There are other things I prefer to do with you that are way more entertaining."

His tone was alluring just in the right amount, and it worked, 'cause soon Alice was absolutely surrendered to him.

The thing was… It was _Jasper_ he pictured in his mind as he finally kissed her.


	8. Quest

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"What did Jacob do this time...?"

The question disrupted his musings and forced him to be back into the present.

Unwillingly, Jasper ripped his eyes from the open notebook he had on his desk and looked at Angela's curious facial expression with a questioning gaze.

"You seem upset." She justified in a shrug.

Only then noticing the other students leaving the classroom and realizing the last class of the morning had finished, Jasper started to put his things in his leather bag.

"What are you doing now?" He asked her in a low tone.

"I'm taking you to our favorite coffee shop." She said with her hands on her waist and a worried look in her eyes.

For the very first time that day Jasper's face relaxed in a smile, even though it didn't reach his eyes. They were still a bit downcast.

"I don't have any more classes today." He told her as they moved to leave the classroom.

"I know. I do, but I'm ditching them." She replied as she threw her left arm over his shoulders. "My best friend needs me, so fuck those stupid lessons."

They laughed together as passing through the door.

Soon they were sitting face to face on their booth at _Arauto roast_ , the most cozy and discreet coffee house in New York.

"Your usual?" Angela asked as she scanned the menu. "I'm famished. I need to eat something."

"I want a Red eye with vanilla." Jasper said pensively, his eyes kind of lost somewhere behind his best friend.

Angela promptly dropped the menu and looked at him with a frown.

"You always drink Americano. I've never seen you asking for something different, least of all something so strong. You usually prefer lighter drinks."

"I'm curious about it, I wanna taste it." He answered without looking at her and shrugging.

"You're weird today." She stated. "What's wrong? Still that thing with…"

Jasper heaved a sigh, leaned on the backrest and finally looked at her…

"Yeah..." He answered in a heavy out breath before she could finish. "I don't know, I've just been feeling more confused and anguished lately."

"Regarding what exactly?"

"I'm not sure." He squeezed his eyes for an instant and then looked at his hands over the table.

"I thought you guys had sorted things out."

"We kinda did..."

"But…" Angela encouraged.

"But I still don't have the answer to that fucking nagging question…" He looked at her seeming helpless.

She nodded, knowing well the whole story.

"Why he changed so much…" She provided.

Jasper nodded and dropped his gaze to the table.

"Jay, whatever it was, Edward did not change with you because of Jake, he is not in love with your boyfriend. He's not even gay." Angela reasoned.

"I know." He pushed his hair away from his face by carding his fingers through his strands. "I've actually just found out this morning that he has a girlfriend." He said while unconsciously frowning. She arched her eyebrows in a surprised expression. "I was kinda shocked too."

"I'm not shocked because he has a girlfriend, Jay. I'm kinda confused because you seem jealous."

"I'm not!" He answered in an incredulous chuckle while furrowing his brows. "Why would I be jealous, Ang?"

"I don't know, it just…" Angela started, looking suspiciously at him, but she abruptly interrupted herself. "It doesn't matter, that's not the point." She said hurriedly while shaking her head. "The point is that you're unhappy because you miss him." Angela affirmed, being well versed in Jasper's and Edward's relationship.

"I really should be used to all his distance by now. He's been like this for…"

"Almost four years." She provided accurately and Jasper nodded. "You have to just overcome it, Jay. Honestly, by everything you've told me? He doesn't seem inclined to go back to the way you two were."

"I've already accepted that." His tone was obviously saddened. "And anyway, I may not know why I'm feeling so weird, but I know it's not because of that."

"It's not his absence." Angela seemed to defy him, her tone just slightly interrogative.

"That's making me confused? No." Jasper replied certainly.

"So what is it?"

"I told you, I have no idea."

"Okay. You don't know what it is, but you _do_ know how it feels. So describe it to me. Maybe I can help."

After a huffed breath, Jasper obliged.

"It's like… There's this… _Thing_ , in the back of my head, like, trying to tell me something, or trying to make me _see_ something but every time I try to grasp it I come out empty." He exhaled heavily. "I feel uncomfortable, as if something is nagging me from inside my mind, something I can't tell what it is…

Angela straightened up and leaned on the backrest of the seat, drawing her eyebrows together.

"How are you and Jake?" She asked frowning.

"We're okay." Answering very naturally, Jasper shrugged.

"Did anything change between you two? And I mean _anything_."

"I don't think so." He replied almost too impassively.

That made Angela suspect even more.

"Oh, c'mon Jay." Her tone was incredulous. "Think harder. Whenever you're this disturbed with something, you change, and not in a very subtle way. How's the sex?"

"The same." He sounded unconcerned.

"The same _mind blowing_ like you usually brag about or…" Angela tried to induce him into thinking better.

And it worked.

Suddenly instigated by Angela's questioning, Jasper took a minute to ruminate…

That was when he realized something he had not cognized so far.

His shoulders slumped a little as he released a heavy breath in a gush of air.

"The frequency is the same…" His voice was pensive. "And it's… Satisfying as always."

"There's a _but_ coming, I knew it." Angela murmured.

Jasper looked at her with furrowed brows.

"I hadn't noticed until you insisted… I haven't felt much like doing it. Of course I get aroused when he touches me, Jake knows all the right buttons to push, but… I used to want him like crazy twenty-four-seven, _I_ used to be the one who would always initiate things…"

"And now…"

"Now it's always him." He replied as if a light bulb had turned on in his head.

"Do you remember when it started to change?" Angela's tone was conspiratory, as her half smile.

"Not really…" Jasper answered feeling deeply distraught with his realization. "Maybe if I search through my memories..."

"It's probably a good idea. If you find out when it started, you'll probably get _why_ it started in the first place."

They both nodded, agreeing in that point of view.

The waiter came to get their order, the silence that fell between them was comfortable…

When their drinks finally arrived, Jasper took a deep breath and verbalized what he'd been thinking.

"I think this is all, somehow, related to my brother…" His eyes on his drink.

He didn't see it, but Angela nodded, looking suspiciously at him.

"I'm sure it is." Jasper looked at her and she held his questioning gaze. "He's always been the only person able to affect you this deeply."

Jasper's countenance went blank…

He could never deny that.

*IMPOSSIBLE*

Emmett tried to read Edward's expression again, for what seemed to him to be the tenth time just the last hour.

His best friend wasn't quite his normal cool self… He was way too silent and pensive, he had barely sipped his favorite beer!

"What's wrong?"

As his friend's strong voice reached his ear and ripped him out of his unrequested memories, Edward blinked deliberately two times before turning his face to the big guy sitting next to him on Emmett's two-place sofa.

"Nothing's wrong." He answered in a lifeless voice.

"Bullshit." Emmett replied while rolling his eyes. Then he lightly elbowed Edward's side. "Spit it out. Now." He was serious.

Edward looked into his best friend's amber eyes and recognized the unrelenting stare directed at him.

Emmett was not one to back off easily when it came to his friends. If he were worried, he would go to immeasurable lengths to assure the ones he loved and cared for were supported as they needed. He wouldn't budge, Edward knew that. He would insist until Edward gave in.

So it was better to open up already.

"I'm in love with someone." Edward confessed rather easily considering it was his life's biggest secret.

He didn't quite understand why it felt so relieving to say that out loud.

"What the fuck?!" Emmett was beyond surprised. "Who's the lucky girl that turned the _casual-relationships_ king's head?"

Edward gave him a half smile.

"You're not even considering Alice…" He concluded accurately.

Emmett rolled his eyes once again.

"You look at her the same way you look at me. I _know_ you're not in love with _her_."

"You're very observant." Edward commented in a light laugh.

"You're very transparent." Emmett replied in a strong chuckle.

"True." Edward laughed harder. "It helps that you know me well."

"For sure." Emmett agreed, still guffawing a little. Then he became serious. "Why is it a problem?"

Edward's amusement faded instantly. Not because he was afraid of his friend's reaction, what he would think of him… But because it was simply a difficult truth to assume.

He wanted to tell Emmett, anyway. Not everything, he could never disclose his secret to anyone, but the big guy had some expertise in the area, and that was exactly what he needed… Someone well versed to advise him and help him solve his doubts.

"How did you know you were bi?" Edward asked slowly, hesitantly, with guarded eyes looking anywhere but at his friend's face.

Emmett frowned, a tenuous suspicion rising inside his mind.

"I've always felt some kind of interest in both genders…" He answered in a sigh. "There was a moment, when I was a teenager, that I thought I was actually gay but… Soon after I fell in love with a girl." He explained slowly, observing Edward's reactions. "But when I came here and met Alex…" He shrugged. "You know the story." Edward nodded. "It didn't work between us, but he's still the person I loved the most so far in my life."

"You still feel attracted to girls." Edward affirmed more than asked.

"I do." Emmett confirmed anyway.

"And the sex?" Edward's tone got lower, more cautious. "Is it good with both, does it make you feel the same way?"

"It's different." Emmett answered naturally. "But then again, it is always different depending on the person you're with, it is not a matter of gender…" He relaxed his countenance and rested his heavy hand reassuringly on Edward's shoulder. "You're asking because…" He incited.

"It's not a _girl_." Edward provided at once, knowing his friend had already concluded that.

"You're in love with a dude." Emmett didn't ask.

Edward nodded, though.

They were both silent for a brief moment.

"Do you think I'm bi?" Edward broke the silence with a hesitant whisper.

"That's a question only you have the answer to." Emmett affirmed. "But since you have a very active sex life with Alice, and still, you are in love with a guy… Well… I'd say... Yeah. That's the most logical explanation."

"Maybe I fell in love with him because it's _him_ … Maybe I will never be interested in another man." Edward tried to reason.

"Maybe." Emmett agreed. "But even if that's the case, even if he is the only guy you'll have ever wanted in your life… He is still a _he_ … And this proves that you feel attracted to men as well as you feel attracted to women."

"I need to be sure." Edward said decidedly.

"I agree." Emmett replied fast with arched eyebrows, clearly excited for his friend. "So you'll tell him? Who's he, by the way?"

Edward got suddenly nervous.

"I can't tell him." His voice betrayed his abrupt discomfort.

Emmett frowned.

"Why not? Don't tell me you're afraid he will reject you."

"He definitely would if he ever got to know, which is not a possibility."

"He _can't_ know?" Emmett's voice was inflected with confusion.

"It's… Complicated." Edward provided while dropping his gaze to the floor and shaking his head despondently.

"You don't wanna talk about it." Being very perceptive and respectful of his friend's limits, Emmett understood he shouldn't insist.

"Not really." Edward confirmed in an unstable murmur, feeling his heart small and compressed inside his chest. "But there is something I need you to do for me."

"Anything." Emmett answered without even thinking.

Edward took a deep breath, got the beer bottle that was sitting on the coffee table, took a large swig, and turned his whole body toward his best friend.

He looked into Emmett's curious eyes and heaved a sigh.

"Would you kiss me?"

"Wow!" Emmett uttered astonished, backing away involuntarily. "Come again?"

"I need you to kiss me." Edward repeated calmly. "I could go to a gay bar and find a stranger to kiss, so I can test how I feel... But… I wanna do this with someone I trust. And besides being my best friend, you're the only male friend I have that wouldn't have a problem kissing a guy."

Emmett looked at him for a moment, searching his eyes carefully.

"I'm not _the_ guy… Am I?" He asked gingerly.

Edward chuckled lightly.

"Believe me, Emm… If it were you, you would know by now. I wouldn't have a problem in confessing to you."

"Okay." He replied plainly relieved. "Don't get me wrong, you know I think you're a great guy, gorgeous, attractive and all but… You're my best friend. I just don't wanna cross a line here."

"Don't worry, we won't." Edward assured. "I just need to be sure how it feels to kiss a guy."

"You sure you won't fall for me?" Emmett asked playfully, arching one eyebrow. "I'm a very good kisser."

"I'm in too deep with…" Edward abruptly interrupted his spontaneous speech as he realized he was going to speak too much. "Trust me, it's not possible."

Convinced, Emmett nodded his agreement and took a good look at his friend. Perceiving Edward was tranquil, and considering they had enough intimacy not to feel uncomfortable with each other's physical closeness, he shortened the distance between them. Then he placed his big heavy hand around Edward's neck and looked intensely into his eyes, and then to his lips.

Edward felt his heart quicken a bit, affected by what he was about to experience, but also by the weight of Emmett's stare. He sighed.

"Good." Emmett murmured. "You're fully present."

He looked at Edward's eyes again, fiercely… And then closed the remaining inches that were separating them.

Their eyes closed. Their lips brushed lightly against each other's, and Edward felt a subtle wave of warmth taking over his body. He responded to the slow motions of Emmett's full lips, allowing their mouths to fit together. They molded against one another softly, and Edward naturally moved his hand from his lap and held his friend's neck. Emmett nibbled his bottom lip and silently asked permission to deepen the kiss, the tip of his tongue teasing the narrow space between Edward's ajar lips…

In a soft sigh Edward opened his mouth and granted his best friend more access. Their tongues touched and then swirled together in a soft rhythm. Both men felt a light thrill, even though it didn't reach their hearts.

As they kissed slowly their hands pressed against their skins a bit more forcefully, the intensity of their exchange increasing as much as the urge they were feeling, the movements of their tongues and lips a tad more demanding…

Emmett and Edward kept kissing and kissing until the air became scarce and their lungs begged them for some more oxygen. They slowed the motions even more, until their lips were touching softly in lingering pecks… Until they were just subtly brushing against each other as both friends practically breathed in one another's mouths as they tried to regulate their breath.

Edward let go of his best friend's neck with subtlety, but Emmett was the one to pull away. He looked at Edward with a dazzled look on his amber eyes, his pupils a bit dilated and his hand still on his nape.

"Wow." He let out in a whisper. "That was a hell of a kiss…"

Edward chuckled softly, and Emmett followed him.

"It was." He agreed as he arched his eyebrows in a surprised expression. "You really _are_ a good kisser."

Emmett playfully punched his chest with the hand that had been on his neck and pulled away some more, widening the space between them.

"Don't fall for me." He jokingly warned.

"I would if I could." Edward joked right back. "And you wouldn't be able to resist me."

"With you kissing like that, yeah… It would definitely be a hard task, but for the sake of our friendship, I would certainly try to."

They laughed together for a moment.

"So how did you feel?" Emmett was curious, but he kinda knew already, by Edward's reactions, what he would say. "Do you have your answer now?"

As expected, Edward nodded.

"Say it out loud." Emmett encouraged him with a light smile on his swollen lips. "It will do you some good."

"I _am_ bi." Edward admitted.

"Welcome to the club, my friend. I hope it gives you the courage to fight for the guy you love."

Edward tried to disguise his sudden chagrin in an empty smile. Emmett noticed it, of course, but perceiving the situations was, for some reason, obviously difficult for his best friend, he decided not to comment more on the matter.

They both took their beer bottles in their hands and chug the liquid before turning to other subjects and proceeding with their night off.


	9. Letting in

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

The solid white of the pristinely painted ceiling was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes.

His pupils, perceiving the tenuous reflex of the first sun rays, that were entering through the light gray fabric of the curtains, contracted a bit as he understood it was finally morning.

Relief never came, though… The night had been way hard on him.

He had tossed and turned, sweating out the nightmares he could no longer remember, but that had haunted his sleep unmercifully.

Jasper turned his head to his left and sighed as he faced the wall to which he woke up every day. He closed his eyes for just a moment, avoiding the painful reality those pictures showed him constantly.

The void of the absence seemed to occupy too much space...

Then he opened them again, and his deep green irises focused involuntarily on the one photo that hurt him the most…

There, in the slightly shiny paper, that special memory from his high school graduation was immortalized…

The exact moment his older brother, the person he loved the most in his life, representing the whole Cullen family as Jasper had previously requested, gave him his diploma would never fade from his mind. Still, he had the tangible proof of that moment, and he would never take it for granted.

The reason why such celebratory and joyful remembrance wounded him every single time he looked at it, no exceptions, was the most unreasonable, and at the same time, justified one…

Edward's bright smile.

The most spontaneous, sincere and full of pride smile, the smile that made him smile right back with the same joy, was also the last honest one, the last emotional one his brother had given him.

Jasper focused deeper on the picture…

Younger and older brother were looking right into each other's eyes. Edward's left hand, holding and offering Jasper the diploma, was under the younger's right grip as he accepted the certificate.

Many people could be seen on the background… But it truly seemed that the two young men on the center of that picture were not acknowledging their presence.

Looking away and sighing heavily, Jasper felt, once more, the pain his brother's absence caused him.

It really seemed as if he was missing a piece of himself… An essential one, one he couldn't live without.

He couldn't understand why it got worse as time passed… It was supposed to get easier, right?

But it actually didn't.

He took a deep breath in...

It was hard to breathe those days… And the confusion in his mind made it all even more difficult.

Closing his eyes again, and turning on his back, Jasper asked himself, for the millionth time, why he had been feeling so restless… Missing his brother was not the reason, after all he'd been dealing with that for a long while and he never felt that confused before.

As he took another deep breath his cell phone went off.

He actually considered ignoring it. He was not up to talk to anyone right about then, but… Something, a nagging feeling in his stomach very similar to the one that had been distressing him lately, made him reach the device on his bedside table.

 _Edward!_

His mind went in overdrive.

"Hey." He answered hurriedly.

"Hey, Jade." Edward's voice seemed cautious… Or hesitant, or even maybe saddened, Jasper couldn't really discern, it was a little too low for him to be able to identify the inflection.

"Everything okay?" He asked, finding it odd Edward called him.

He heard his brother taking a deep breath.

"Not really." Edward said darkly.

As Jasper's distress increased he frowned and moved up his bed to sit on the mattress and lean his back on the headboard.

"What happened?" His tone matched his brother's.

"I just got off the hospital…" Edward started in an unstable tone. "It's been a rough night."

Something revolved inside Jasper's chest and he started to get a little bit worried.

"Where are you?"

Breathing so erratically and strongly his brother could hear it on the other end, Edward took more than a minute to answer.

"Still in my car. On the parking lot." His voice broke and he cleared his throat before resuming in a weak tone. "I can't really drive right now…"

Jasper frowned deeply, feeling anguished. Edward sounded so helpless...

"Why?" The concern was palpable in the single word. "Are you feeling ill or something? Do you need me to call someone for you?"

"I just… I just needed to hear your voice." Edward replied in a whisper.

Taken aback, even though a very warm and pleasant sensation took over him, Jasper didn't find his voice, or proper words, to answer to that.

Edward, disturbed by the latest events he had faced, took a moment to gather the tenuous strength he still had.

The brothers remained silent for something around three minutes, but it seemed to them that a whole eternity had passed when Edward, moved by his emotions and momentary frailty, broke the silence and allowed himself to verbalize his thoughts and unburden.

"I lost a patient on the table." He spoke in a grave tone.

Jasper felt an uncomfortable compression in his heart and placed his hand over his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Car accident…" Edward explained, his despondency clear in his words. "Cracked windpipe and perforated lungs… I did everything I could but… He'd lost so much blood…" He heaved a sigh, and Jasper exhaled the air he'd held unconsciously. "He was your age… And his hair… So much like yours I couldn't help but…"

And right then the penny dropped for Jasper.

"Think of me." He completed.

Silence fell again, and Jasper could feel his brother was really affected by the experience.

"Was he the first?" He asked cautiously.

He heard Edward breathing heavily.

"Yeah…" He replied in a sigh. "I've seen patients die before, obviously… But on my table… In my hands…" Again he sighed, and this time Jasper could really sense the pain he was feeling. "He's the first."

"I can't imagine how shaken you are, Tonton." Jasper spoke tenderly. "I wish I were there to try and sooth a bit of what you're feeling…" He tried his best to convey his care through his words.

Edward released a heaved sigh.

"Me too." He whispered.

Perceiving how upset his brother was, how fragile he seemed, and wanting nothing more than to make him feel better, an idea started to form in Jasper's mind.

First things first, he had to make sure Edward was, at least, comfortable.

"How long have you been inside your car?"

"Since I left the hospital…" And Jasper could hear the tiredness in his voice besides everything else. "Forty minutes, give or take."

"How long has been this last shift?"

"Thirty-six hours." Edward answered absentmindedly.

"You're off today, then… Right?"

"I'm actually on call…"

"But you'll be home until further notice, right?" Jasper concluded, and heard Edward's _Mm-hmm_ in confirmation. "For what? Twenty-four?"

"Yeah."

He thought fast and got up from the bed as he started to talk again.

"Okay. You need to go home and rest. Put me on speaker and start the car, can you do that?" He asked softly.

"Hold on." Edward replied and the phone went silent for a second. "Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear." He said as he heard the engine on the other end.

"Stay with me?" Edward asked in a low tone. "Please? I don't wanna be alone right now."

"I'll be right here as long as you need me, Tonton." Jasper vowed as he moved around his bedroom efficiently.

"Tell me about college." Edward asked, clearly trying to take his mind of his disturbance.

And so, as getting everything ready, Jasper started to babble deliberately about random things related to his college routine, in order to distract his brother as much as he could through a phone call…

Edward relished his brother's voice and "presence" as much as possible, and just for that moment he allowed himself to own his love and care without feeling guilty.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

His head was heavy… Just as his eyelids.

He wanted to open his eyes and make sure he wasn't dreaming, that the presence he felt was not a trick of his willing mind, but he felt so worn out, so weak before his tiredness, he couldn't make his body respond the way he wanted.

He knew, though… Somehow he knew it was real, and he needed that so much, the real thing, _his_ actual presence, looking at his face and having him close… That would be the only way he would feel better.

So Edward forced himself a bit harder… And overcoming the heaviness of his despondency and exhaustion with the will to prove his impression right, he finally opened his eyes, expecting to find him by his side…

But he was alone in his room.

He looked at his cell phone, placed right by the side of his head, as it was when he fell asleep…

The call had been disconnected, obviously… His brother had remained on the phone with him for hours until he finally dozed off… Wanting him to still be there on the other end was kind of asking too much…

Edward checked the clock on the screen… Three-seventeen… He had slept more than four hours.

He didn't feel any good, though… he actually felt terrible. The memory of the patient's death, his despair as trying to bring him back with CPR, the deafening sound of the monitor, the flat line on the screen…

Edward sat on the bed shaking his head, wanting nothing more than to erase all those disturbing images…

But then the moment he broke the terrible news to the bereaved family came to his mind, and his throat constricted uncomfortably.

Unexpectedly, a low sob broke through the remaining of his strength, and as he unwillingly pictured Jasper in the place of his dead patient, the discomfort in his chest got stronger and he could not hold back anymore.

He held his head as the first tears slid down his face… He placed his elbows on his knees and tried to let go silently… But he could not control it.

The sound of his whimpers filled the room with a heavy aura, oppressing him, so he squeezed his eyes shut in a vain effort not to drown in sadness.

And that was the moment he felt two very familiar arms surrounding him…

He didn't need to raise his head or look at him to be sure… He just leaned on his chest and allowed himself to be held by the only person able to sooth his heart.

"You're here…" He murmured in a trembled voice as he recognized the scent around him.

"You needed me." Jasper spoke softly, his arms tight around his brother's body. "Just let it all out…"

And for a long moment the brothers could not precise, Edward unburdened his first loss in his brother's arms, allowing Jasper to take care of him and protect him for the very first time.

Later, when relief started to take over his senses, he straightened up, rubbing his hands over his face, and then looked at his baby brother.

"I thought I sensed you were here, but when I woke up you were not." Edward said hoarsely, his throat sore because of all the crying. "When did you…"

"About a couple of hours ago. You were still sleeping." Jasper interrupted him gently. "I didn't want to wake you, you needed to rest. So I went to the kitchen to prepare something for when you woke up."

"And then you heard me…" Edward concluded.

"Yeah." Jasper nodded.

Edward sighed heavily as looking into his brother's eyes.

"Did you drive here? It's a _four-and-a-half-hour_ trip…" His tone was plainly surprised.

"You needed me." Jasper repeated quietly.

"After spending _two_ hours on the phone with me." He completed his thought.

Jasper shrugged.

"You would've done the same for me." Jasper affirmed calmly.

Edward just nodded, a bit disconcerted since he was not so sure about that…

"How did you get in?"

"Dad's keys." He shrugged again. "Do you want coffee?" Jasper offered as to temporize. "Or juice? I made both. And also some sandwiches. But you don't need to eat if you're not hungry. I just need to keep you hydrated."

Edward smiled weakly, touched by his brother's care but still not fine.

"So I gather you're assuming the older brother's role…" He said in what sounded as a tentative of a playful tone.

Jasper chuckled lightly.

"For now, yeah." He sighed. "Just let me take care of you, will you?"

"Okay." Edward accepted gladly. "What should I do now?"

"Go take a shower." Jasper said as standing up. "I need to call dad… And Jake. They don't know where I am."

With the mention of his brother's boyfriend's name Edward felt his heart clenching… But he disguised it in another one of his empty smiles as he too stood up.

Jasper noticed it, of course, but considering Edward was still affected by what had happened, he assumed it was a natural reaction.

"How long will you stay?" Edward asked cautiously, looking at Jasper with guarded eyes.

"As long as you need me to." Jasper replied with no hesitation.

Then he moved to leave the room…

He was almost at the door sill when he heard Edward call his name in a low voice.

"Huh?" He turned to look at him.

"Thank you."

Jasper smiled softly.

"Just doing what brothers do." He affirmed tenderly in a shrug. "They look after each other, right?"

Although it had not been his intention, even though he just expressed his care the way he truly saw it, Jasper's words cut through Edward's heart and soul deeply.

He nodded slightly, trying not to let his sudden pain show.

As Jasper left the room Edward couldn't stop thinking of how many times his brother might had needed him in the last four years and he simply wasn't there...

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"When you'll be back?" Jacob asked, trying hard to control his tone and not to show his uneasiness.

"I don't know." Jasper answered kind of bothered himself. He didn't like the slightly demanding intonation underlining his boyfriend's words.

"We had plans for the weekend, remember?" And then the demanding intonation was more than just inflected in his tone.

Jasper huffed, trying to remain calm.

"My brother needs me." He stated emphatically. "And I'm not leaving him until I'm sure he's okay."

"He's a grown up man, Jasper!" Jacob was now clearly upset. "And he's a doctor, he's aware that death comes with the job."

"It was the first time he lost a patient, Jacob." Jasper responded in kind, just as Edward got out of his room. "He was devastated."

"He'll have to deal with it in a daily basis. An so what, you'll run to him every time he has to face the reality of his profession?"

Jasper carded his fingers through his hair impatiently and huffed once again. As he turned for no particular reason he spotted Edward leaning on the living room door jamb, looking guiltily at him.

He locked his gaze with his brother's.

"I'll be with him whenever he needs me." He spoke earnestly. "And for however long he needs me to."

Edward could not control the heavy sigh that forced its way through his throat and lips… His brother's words, and the way he was staring at him, affected him in a way he didn't know how to describe even to himself.

"What about me?" Jacob questioned in a slightly whining tone. "Am I not important to you?"

Jasper looked away from Edward.

"You are. I love you." He said tenderly, and Edward dropped his gaze to the floor. "But you have to understand…"

"Well, I don't. It just seems to me your brother is more important."

Jasper looked at Edward again, certain of his next words.

"It doesn't change the way I feel about you, but… Yes, he is." He spoke unapologetically.

"So I guess I have nothing more to say or hear." Jacob concluded harshly. "We'll talk whenever you get back."

Sighing impatiently, Jasper rolled his eyes and turned away from his brother, pacing the living room.

"Don't be like that, Jake… Please."

"Bye, Jay." Jacob said before hanging up.

Jasper looked at the device in his hand as if it had offended him.

"Maybe it's better if you just… Go back." Edward said in a soft tone.

Jasper looked at him questioningly.

"Is that what you want?" He was clearly insulted.

Edward sighed again and looked at his feet before gazing seriously at his brother's eyes. He decided to be honest.

"No. I want you to stay. But I don't want to cause a problem between you and your boyfriend. I can handle it, it's not that unbearable."

"Jacob is just being… Immature." Jasper justified in a shrug. "We'll be fine. Besides… You're more important, that's a fact and I'm not sorry for prioritizing my only brother."

Edward felt as if his heart could fly out of his body due to the sudden and potent wave of satisfaction that hit him. He almost smiled… But he was able to restrain it.

"You look better." Jasper acknowledged.

"I _feel_ better." He affirmed. Then he pushed away from the door jamb and walked to his brother. He stopped inches from him… Jasper had to crane his neck just a little to keep looking into his eyes. "And it's all you."

Again, as when they hugged a bit more than a month before as Edward was leaving New York, Jasper felt an unknown sensation revolving inside him, making his legs feel weak and the air in his lungs not enough.

And once more he tried to verbalize his confusion, to put in words the question he couldn't yet form in his mind, since he had no idea what exactly he wanted to ask… But his mouth opened anyway, preparing to voice whatever his mind came up with…

Only the doorbell rang and startled them both.

Edward, oblivious to his brother's sudden torment, went to answer the door, and came back to the living room soon after with a rather tall and large dark-haired man with blazing amber eyes.

"Hey there!" Emmett's voice resounded in the room, even though he'd spoken low.

"Hey." Jasper replied a bit out of it, still shaken with the emotion that had taken him by surprise.

"This is Emmett McCarty." Edward introduced. "Emm, this is Jasper."

Emmett looked from him to Edward.

"Your brother?" Edward and Jasper nodded at the same time. "Wow, it's nice to finally meet you! I'm Edward's college and internship mate… And his best-friend."

Jasper smiled honestly and they shook hands.

"It's nice to finally meet one of my brother's friends."

The three engaged in a difficult conversation about the latest events at first, since Emmett had gone there to check on his best friend, worried about his reaction. And then the talk flowed to other matters…

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Edward placed the empty beer bottles on the counter and checked the fridge door for the pizza delivery telephone numbers.

He didn't notice his best friend's presence until he spoke.

"I have to ask…" Emmett started with caution, observing Edward carefully as he turned to look at him. "Is it him?"

"Is him what?" Edward asked while frowning, he was not really following.

"Is he… _The guy_ …?"

Edward was so distracted, so out of it due to everything that had succeeded that day, that It took him some seconds to connect the dots.

"What?! No!" He spoke too affectedly, and Emmett knew him well.

The big guy sighed and got closer, his eyes showing understanding and acceptance.

"Look, E… I'm not here to judge you. I could never do that, you know it." He said slowly, in a low tone. "You know I know you, you're too transparent, at least for me… And the way you look at him…"

Aware there was no use in denying it, and actually not so willing to do so since it was his best friend in front of him, Edward gave in.

"No one can know about this, Emmett." He spoke hurriedly, in a concerned tone.

"Holy fuck, so it's true…" Emmett uttered as running his fingers through his short hair. "Your own _brother_?" Edward nodded, his eyes filling with tears of shame. "You weren't kidding when you told me it was complicated."

"I swear I didn't look for this, I tried to get rid of this feelings but they…" Edward started to babble, desperately trying to make his best friend understand.

Emmett held his shoulders firmly and looked deep into his eyes.

"Hey, I'm not judging you, nor condemning you." He spoke fast, so to calm Edward down and make him listen to him. "I just wanted to be sure I was reading the situation correctly and…" He heaved a sigh. "Fuck Edward, I'm here to give you support, I'm your best friend, remember? You can trust me, you can count on me."

Edward released a sigh in a gush of air, slightly soothed by his friend reassurance. He nodded.

"I'm here for you, okay?" Emmett reiterated. "I'll never let you down."

And as the big guy took his best friend in a bear hug, Jasper, that had just crossed the door sill unnoticed, felt his stomach churning uncomfortably with what he could only name as jealousy.


	10. Turmoil of the heart

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Edward opened his eyes and faced the clean morning sky. He smiled softly, spontaneously, and allowed the warm feeling to spread inside his chest as the cool wind swirled around his shirtless torso.

Feeling guiltlessly happy seemed weird, but since it was not something usual, he basked in the soothing sentiment. He knew well the reason for that, and also how wrong it was to indulge in it, but at that exact moment he didn't really care.

He usually had so little of that… And he really needed it.

He took a deep breath in as he embraced the emotion a bit more… And then, as his smile broadened, he felt the unmistakable scent, the one that would always turn his head and stimulate his heart and body… The one he loved so much.

His hands, that had been loosely holding the balcony railing, tightened their grip around the wrought iron as his body got slightly rigid and his smile faltered in a normal reaction to that approaching.

"You're here." Jasper's husky voice reached him. "Good morning."

Before he could turn his head to look at his brother, he felt Jasper's warm hand on the small of his back. He stood very still, withholding a shiver.

"You're feeling okay?" Oblivious to what he was causing, the younger asked calmly, positioning himself right next to him.

Edward finally looked at his brother as Jasper's hand slid away from his body. He tried not to show the disappointment he felt with the loss and just relish the energy the soft touch left behind for some more seconds.

"I'm fine." He answered softly, unconsciously staring at Jasper.

The blond, unwittingly perceiving the weight of his older brother's gaze, sensed his cheeks blushing and bent his head involuntarily. He didn't understand why he felt like smiling all of a sudden.

"Did you sleep well?" Edward asked in an attempt to lighten the tension he noticed arising.

Jasper carded his fingers through his hair as raising his head, and although Edward tried not to fix his attention on the light golden waves, his eyes followed as the shiny strands flowed and fell around his brother's face so gracefully.

His heart quickened as their eyes met.

"I didn't actually sleep." Jasper was honest as usual.

"Why?" Edward asked in a sudden frown, his worry clear in his tone.

Jasper hesitated for just a second.

"I had… A lot in my mind." He answered in a sigh.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." Jasper tried to smile. "And I'm here to take care of you, not the other way around."

This time Edward could not hold back a broad, satisfied smile… And Jasper simply smiled right back at him.

"I'm the older brother, remember?" He teased lightly.

"How could I not? You never let me forget it." Jasper replied in kind. They both chuckled. "It doesn't change the fact that you're the one needing support now, though." He shrugged as he got a bit serious.

The events of the previous day came rushing back to Edward and he too, although completely against his will, assumed a somber countenance. He heaved a weighted breath and looked away from his brother's caring stare.

Jasper instantly regretted his words.

He closed his eyes for a second or two, jutting his jaw outward and pursing his lips as he scolded himself inwardly. Then he looked back at his brother, his green eyes fixing on Edward's profile as his fingers involuntarily toyed with the hem of the cotton white shirt he was wearing.

"You'll work today, right?" He asked just to break the silence. He already knew the answer for that.

Or so he had thought.

He was surprised when Edward shook his head slowly, still not looking at him.

"Emmett is gonna cover both of my next shifts. He thought it was better if I had more time to process the whole thing. I wouldn't mind going, I really feel better but..." He shrugged. "There's no arguing with Emm."

Jasper felt a weird nagging feeling in his stomach.

"So, he offered, you didn't ask." He concluded, surprisingly bothered.

"He actually determined." Edward replied in a chuckle. "He's kinda protective of me. Sometimes a bit too much, but that's 'cause he cares."

Since he was still not looking at his brother, Edward did not notice the frown on Jasper's face.

"He seems to be a dedicated friend. I could see yesterday that he takes good care of you." Jasper spoke in a slightly dry tone that Edward didn't perceive. "You two seem really close."

"We are. He's my best friend." Edward said naturally.

Not even trying to disguise how affected he was, Jasper looked away and sighed heavily. The obviously annoyed sound alerted Edward, and he finally turned and looked at his brother.

As his eyes landed on Jasper, just as he nibbled the inside of his cheek, Edward confirmed the younger was upset.

"What...?" He asked softly, knowing his brother would understand the concise question.

" _He_ is your best friend." Jasper replied in a controlled tone, and then looked at his brother with hardened eyes. "That used to be me."

Edward found himself at a loss for words. He cast his eyes down, saddened by the awareness of hurting his baby brother.

Once more Jasper wished he could take back his words.

He sighed again, this time a long dejected breath.

"I'm sorry. I have no right to..."

"You do, you have all the right." Edward cut him off not so subtly, but just because he was tired of hearing his brother apologizing for something that was his fault and his fault only.

In a swift move he turned his body completely to Jasper, taking a step toward him and getting as close as humanly possible before holding his brother's face between his hands.

Jasper held his breath involuntarily, his heart jolting as his eyes widened.

"Just know that you're way more important to me than anyone else." Edward said in a broken whisper.

Then he let go of his brother's face, but didn't step back. Jasper released a puff of air but could not look away.

"I am the one who's sorry for having abandoned you. But there was no other way…" Edward resumed.

Bending his head, he pulled two steps away. Jasper furrowed his eyebrows as his mind tried to work on those words.

"You know I don't understand when you say stuff like that, right?" Jasper's voice was low and unstable. "And you're not gonna explain…"

"I can't." Looking at him again, but hesitantly, Edward spoke in what seemed like a plea. "Can you just, please, trust me?"

"I trust you. Blindly. That's the only reason I'm not insisting."

He got closer once again, and Jasper just tilted his head back to keep looking into his stormy eyes.

Edward hesitated for just a brief second.

"I love you, Jade. I truly do." And right then both their hearts were hammering their chests. "And that's basically the reason for everything."

A million questions flooded Jasper's mind as he felt the weird energy flowing again between him and his older brother… Questions he could not understand or voice, or even distinguish…

So instead of asking, he simply let out what came from his heart...

"I love you too."

The sentence came out bearing more than simple words… Even more than emotion or the truth of the feeling that connected them…

It brought more of the strange and unnamed energy that was pulling on Jasper's heart strings, that was contracting his stomach and lungs and making it difficult for him to breathe… It was surrounding him, and invading his system, and turning his head and confusing him to the point of discomfort…

He felt oddly misplaced, as if he was doing something terribly wrong. He could not grasp the reason for that, but obeying his instincts he inhaled slowly and tried to push away the awkward sensation before he was able to speak again.

And so he swallowed hard and took a step back, urged by the sudden need to put some distance between him and his brother.

Jasper's motion made Edward snap out of the trance he was in. He blinked repeatedly, subtly shaking his head and trying to clear his mind.

"Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast." Jasper said in a strained tone, trying to lighten the mood.

Edward, assimilating the tension, pulled back some more, enlarging their distance and leaning on the balcony railing for support.

"I'm not… I… I think I'm gonna take a shower and…" He slightly stuttered. "But you should eat something."

"Not hungry either." Jasper replied flatly, still confused and uncomfortable.

They shared a guarded stare, both feeling self-conscious and disturbed, and then Edward ran his hand through his short hair and bent his head as crossing the threshold, leaving behind a truly puzzled and troubled Jasper.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

The weirdness between the brothers didn't last long. After Edward had taken his shower and Jasper had spent some time on the phone with his father, they sat together at the kitchen table and ate a light meal in peaceful silence.

Later, as they moved to the living room and agreed to watch a movie, the synchronicity that seemed to be long lost between them, surprisingly settled in, and the siblings felt comfortable in each other's presence once more.

They talked about Edward's internship, routine and college. They discussed Jasper's digital communication course and his plans to work alongside their father in the future. They talked about the movie they were watching, the weather, what they did in their free time… They reacquainted… And it was truly pleasing.

For once, after two years of tense encounters, the brothers felt at ease being together. It was as if time had been rewind, and they were back to when their interaction was fluid and simple.

Emmett showed up after working Edward's first shift and invited the brothers to go to a club that had recently been opened. Jasper didn't really want to go, he preferred to spend time alone with his brother, but he obliged when he noticed Edward's slight enthusiasm.

He was not counting on someone's unexpected arrival...

As Emmett and Jasper waited for Edward on the living room, the doorbell rang. Jasper acted pretty naturally, moving to open the door just slightly curious.

But curiosity gave room to immediate and puzzling discomfort as he faced the slim, dark-haired and smiley young woman on the hall.

Looking at the big brown eyes Jasper squinted subtly.

"Oh, hello!" She greeted, showing a bit of embarrassment. "Is Edward there?"

"He's… Yeah, he is. You are…?"

"Hey, Allie!" Jasper heard Emmett's thunder voice coming from behind him. "You can let her in, Jasper."

Alice's eyes widened and she smiled a bit more. Jasper, although he didn't quite comprehend, just felt bothered as realizing who and how beautiful the petite girl was.

"You're Edward's brother?" Her tone was a mix of surprise and enthusiasm.

"Yes." Jasper answered hesitantly, moving away from the door so she could get in.

"It's so nice to meet you! Edward didn't tell me you were here." She spoke, friendly and kind. "Hey, Emm."

"Allie?" Edward's voice reached them both, and they turned their faces to look at him.

Disturbed, Jasper observed as his older brother calmly crossed the living room, still buttoning his gray shirt. Alice hurried to close the distance between them and stood on her toes to kiss Edward's lips.

Jasper looked away, suddenly irked.

"Are you going out?" Alice asked Edward in a serene tone.

"Emm invited us to hit this new club… I didn't know you were coming." Edward replied in a light voice, holding her waist.

"After what you told me this afternoon, I thought you might need me. I came straight from college." She shrugged.

Edward sighed discreetly, controlling the uneasiness that rose inside him as he understood he would not be spending the night enjoying his brother's presence as he wanted. He could not simply dismiss Alice… And taking her with him would definitely not be a good idea… He wouldn't feel comfortable having Jasper around when Alice started with her usual PDAs. It was bad enough he thought she was his girlfriend.

This thought incited a tad more of discomfort. He knew he needed to clear that out, but that was not the best moment.

He looked at his brother and frowned confused… Jasper seemed… Upset?

He looked back at Alice.

"Have you eaten?" His voice was controlled. She shook her head. Edward sighed again as looking at Emmett. "Take my brother to have some fun?"

As Emmett nodded, Jasper, who had been staring at his feet until then, raised his head and look at the older one with one eyebrow arched high on his forehead. Edward held his gaze.

"You're not coming?" His tone was stable, but Edward could notice, with a sliver of confusion, the consternation in his brother's eyes.

Emmett got up from the sofa and went to Jasper.

"I'll make sure you have a great time." He said as resting his huge hand on Jasper's shoulder. "This two have got better things to do."

The innuendo didn't go unnoticed by Jasper, and it made his heart sink and his stomach churn although he could not grasp the reason for those odd emotions.

"Hey, cub," Alice said with her sweet tone, looking at Edward. He looked at her. "You don't need to change your plans with your brother, you don't see each other much…"

Jasper clenched his jaw.

 _Why is her voice so annoying?_ He thought surprised with his own reactions.

Edward looked at his younger brother as if asking silently for his understanding… And that was exactly what erased Jasper's unexplained irritation.

His whole face softened as he read the apology in the gray of Edward's eyes. He immediately assumed he was overreacting and being a bit selfish. So he sighed as discreetly as he could, averted his gaze from Edward's and looked at Alice.

"It's okay, I'll be here for a couple more days, we'll have time to spend together." He spoke controlling his chagrin.

He then turned to Emmett and smiled an empty smile.

"And I'll seize the opportunity to know my brother's best friend better." Nobody else but Edward noticed his slightly sarcastic tone.

Unconsciously furrowing his eyebrows, Edward squinted, trying to understand why Jasper seemed so ticked off by the situation. It didn't really make sense.

"Let's go then." Emmett determined with his strong voice and soft smile.

He and Jasper took their jackets on the backrest of the sofa and moved to the door.

"Take care of my brother, Emm." Edward asked before the door was open."

"Just as I take care of you." He vowed after turning his head to look at his friend.

Jasper turned his too, just before crossing the doorsill.

"Call me if you need me." It came out as a question.

Edward nodded.

"Have fun… For the both of us." He tried to smile. "And be safe, okay?"

"Don't worry. Emm will take good care of me." And there was the sarcasm again. "Right?" He asked as looking back at the huge guy.

"I'll bring him back in one piece, I promise." Emmett assured Edward after nodding to Jasper. "Bye, Allie."

"See you, Emm." She replied smiling.

And soon they were gone.

Alice turned to Edward.

"Your brother seems nice… But I guess I'll have a hard time to win him over." She spoke undisturbed.

But Edward was immediately tense, although he wasn't sure why.

"Why do you say that?" His tone was careful.

Alice shrugged, not even remotely suspicious.

"He tried to hide it, but I could see he wasn't so happy I ruined his time with you." She said naturally, just expressing her impression. "He was clearly jealous."

Edward, so well versed in disguising his emotions most of the time, restrained his puzzlement.

"What do you wanna eat?" He changed the subject not so subtly. "Let's order something and watch a movie, what do you think?"

"Great idea." Alice replied in a jolly tone while standing on her toes and wrapping her slim arms around Edward's neck, oblivious to his internal struggle.

He just did what he did best and from experience…

Pushed all his Jasper-related emotions to the back of his head and pretended to be in the mood for some time with Alice.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"He's a civil engineer. He's just graduated but he's been working for _Consbuil_ for over a year." Jasper answered Emmett's question about Jacob with subtle pride.

"That's nice, to graduate being already on the field. I think it will be as such for your brother and I." Emmett replied in a light tone.

They ended up going to a cozy dinner Emmett and Edward assiduously frequented. Once they were on Emmett's Jeep Jasper had told him he wasn't really in a mood for clubs since it reminded him of his boyfriend and they were kinda on the outs.

Emmett got promptly curious since it was just then he learned his best friend's brother was gay, and, being the friendly and sympathetic person he was, made himself available to listen if Jasper wanted to unburden.

Jasper didn't jump at the chance, but, feeling surprisingly at ease with the big guy, he talked to him about the fight. And from then the conversation developed to lighter matters.

"What about you, Emmett, do you have someone?" Jasper asked in between sips of his coffee.

Emmett sighed but his Amber eyes were still lit with his inherent gaiety.

"I was seeing this really nice girl but I had to break up with her… I'm still not over my ex-boyfriend." He replied in an unperturbed tone.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Jasper tried to be sympathetic and not to focus on the surprise of finding out that Edward's best friend was bi. "I've never been in another relationship, and Jake and I have never broken up, so I can only imagine how hard it must be not to have the person you long for."

"It is hard." Emmett agreed softly. "But it's okay. It's been awhile and… Your brother is always there helping me get through it."

In a blink all the sympathy Jasper had gathered for Emmett was inexplicably gone, and he felt the nagging sensation in his stomach with which he was already so well-acquainted.

Jasper could not understand why he was feeling so intensely proprietorial about his brother lately. It was true and he could never deny that he had always been very possessive when it came to Edward, but the emotion was on the verge of the irrational.

"You two are very close, right?" He asked Emmett the same question he asked Edward, controlling his tone.

"We are. He's is my best friend." Emmett answered as naturally as it gets.

And the fact that he said exactly what Edward had said earlier that day, using the exact same words and the same tone, made Jasper feel really bothered.

"You've known my brother since he moved here?" His eyes were attentive on Emmett's every gesture, but he was able to disguise his annoyance in a light voice.

"Since his first day. I was his RA, but not for long. We hit it off so fast that five months after we met we rented an apartment together."

"You lived together?" Jasper unconsciously frowned.

Emmett noticed his reaction but didn't read too much into it. He nodded.

"Yep, but only for three months. Alex…" He interrupted himself to sigh. "That was my boyfriend…" He explained briefly and Jasper noticed the fugacious glint of sadness on his eyes. "Well, he had always been slightly jealous of your brother but… It kinda escalated and started to really interfere in our relationship… And in my relationship with Edward too. So I got my own apartment and he moved in with me, and Edward got his apartment soon after."

Jasper nodded slowly, only then realizing he's been frowning. He softened his countenance forcibly, feeling his reaction had been truly misplaced. He dropped his eyes to the table and sighed heavily.

"He's never told me about you." It wasn't his intention, but his dejection was undeniable. "He's never told me about any of it…" He looked at Emmett, totally aware of the sadness tinting his eyes. "We used to be close but, after he moved here…" He shook his head slowly. "It's like I've lost my brother."

Emmett already knew the truth about Edward's feelings, so it was easy to put two and two together and understand that his best friend had distanced himself from his brother deliberately.

"You were the first person he called yesterday." He reasoned, trying to lessen the blond's despondency.

Jasper understood what he was trying to do and chuckled humorlessly.

"And how do you know that?" His tone was poignant.

Emmett sighed, defeated.

"He told me."

Jasper just looked at him pointedly and nodded. Then he turned his attention to his coffee.

Heaving a weighted breath and dropping his eyes to his coffee too, Emmett felt bad for both, Edward and Jasper. He knew about the former's secret, and he could understand perfectly the reasons for him to avoid his younger brother… But it was evident they had a very special bond, something beyond simple fraternity, and being estranged when he had no idea of the motive whatsoever, was obviously hurting Jasper.

He searched his mind for something to say, but concluded there was not much one could say in such situations.

"And Alice…" Jasper started slowly, and Emmett looked at him. He was still staring at his mug. "Have they been together for long?"

"They've seen each other for almost a year and a half, now, but we've all been friends for longer."

Jasper just nodded once again, trying to understand why it was so difficult to breathe. Emmett found it odd he was so focused on the remaining cold coffee inside his cup but, once more, he dismissed the impression.

"Are you up for beers? There a cool pub near here." Jasper finally looked at him, curious with his mischievous tone. "I can tell you all about you brother's messes." He finalized wiggling his eyebrows and smiling devilishly.

Aware the big guy was trying to cheer him up, he directed Emmett an honest smile. Drinking and learning more about his brother's life would definitely be a very good distraction from his disturbing emotions.

"What are we waiting for?" He gave back in an impish tone.

Emmett's smile broadened and he raised his hand to ask for the check.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

It was almost two o'clock when a slightly drunk Jasper and a sober laughing Emmett got in Edward's apartment trying hard to be quiet.

"Are you gonna drive to your place? Why don't you stay here? It's late." Jasper whisper-yelled, barely controlling his giggles.

"You're right. And the hospital is two blocks down…" He agreed, throwing himself at the sofa.

"You know there's another bedroom, right?" Jasper asked while subtly swaying.

Emmett chuckled.

"I know, I'll go there in a minute. I just need to stretch my legs a little." he said, yawning and taking off his shoes.

Jasper covered his mouth so not to make noise with his laugh.

"Thanks for tonight, Emmett, it was really fun."

"You're very welcome." Emmett replied already closing his eyes.

Jasper chuckled again and shook his head, soon finding out that had not been the best of his ideas.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, until he felt secure it was just his mind spinning and not the floor, and followed through the corridor that led to the bedrooms.

He would have gone straight into the room he was using, if not for the grunts and moaning coming from the opposite room.

Jasper felt promptly sober as he recognized his brother's voice.

"Oh, fuck, Alice…" His tone was grave and hard.

Against his better judgement and the loud self scorn in his head, Jasper turned and took two steps toward the ajar door.

What he saw affected him in a way he could have never ignored… And it made him start to suspect of the true reasons behind his disturbance.

As he saw Edward wildly driving his body against the girls petite frame, that was on all fours over the mattress in front of him, he was violently stricken with two heavy and disconcerting emotions…

The first one didn't really surprise him… The acute jealousy had been frequent lately, although the nature of the sentiment was way far from what he believed natural.

It was the second one that utterly threw him off.

Jasper felt sick and had to swallow hard as the overpowering emotion took over him thoroughly...

He stepped back and then walked backwards to his room and closed the door, breathing heavily.

As he rested his forehead on the wood, his eyes wide and his heart thundering, he felt as if the floor had disappeared from under his feet.

He squeezed his eyes shut again, disgusted with himself as he tried to push away the image of the perfect body burned behind his eyelids… As trying to make the lust, the extreme desire he was feeling toward his brother disappear.

But he was not well succeeded...


	11. Fallout

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

A glistening droplet detached from the dark blond strand and ran slowly along the long spine.

Heat spread unmercifully all over the fair skin, making it blush just a bit more.

Loud breaths resounded, mingling with tantalizing wet noises, followed by moaning and grunts, and the constant sound of skin meeting skin.

Hard muscles contracted and expanded, supporting the strong body and sustaining the fast rhythm.

The blood rushed through his veins as if it was lava, and his heart pulsed wildly…

Gray eyes focused on the small, delicate frame before them.

He knew who she was, but at this point he was already a master in controlling the fantasy.

Edward's lips formed a devilish crooked smile as the short brown hair morphed into longer wheat blond strands.

He flattened his hand on the base of Alice's spine, the fingers of his other hand sinking further on her hip, and moved harder against her.

And as he drove his member into her, well aware her body could not take all he wanted to give, Edward longed and pictured a harder, larger, stronger body against his. And as always, it worked as a trigger.

He bit his bottom lip so not to let out the name that came easily to the tip of his tongue. He closed his eyes strongly and focused on the sensation as his whole body shuddered the orgasm that belonged to…

 _Jade_ …

He repeated the nickname over and over inside his head. Until he was totally spent and his legs could not keep him up anymore.

Alice lay down and turned on her back, still breathing heavily, as Edward moved closer to her.

"You're always rough but tonight you were specially brutish…" She said in a light, joking tone.

But Edward was immediately anxious.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked rushedly after turning to her. "I'm so sorry, Allie, I…"

She held his face between her small hands.

"Hey, calm down. I'm okay." She assured him with a soft smile. "I know you like raw sex, I'm used to it, and I like it too. You didn't hurt me, I just made a comment on what I noticed…"

"I don't know what got into me…" Edward's tone was apologetic, and his eyes were downcast.

"You just had a rough experience…" Alice justified for him. "This kinda worked as your outlet, I could see that."

"It doesn't justify anything." Edward affirmed, his whole countenance showing how repentant he was. "I'm truly sorry, Allie."

"No harm, cub. No need to apologize. As I said… You're always rough when it comes to sex and I'm pretty okay with it."

He sighed, still feeling a bit bad. He knew how terrible it was to have sex with her thinking of someone else, but besides that he'd been very careless…

He scolded himself inwardly and repeated over and over that he should have been a tad more gentle… She was a woman, and a very fragile one.

"Just, please, tell me whenever I cross a line." He kind of pleaded.

Smiling her sweetest smile, Alice fondled Edward's cheeks with her thumbs and then kissed his lips lingeringly. He felt a pang in his heart, guilt smashing him as he reminded himself how terrible of a person he was for deceiving such a kind, generous soul as Alice.

"There are no lines between us, cub. So don't worry."

Alice rested her head on Edward's chest and soon her breathing was light and even. He squeezed his eyes shut, admonishing himself once more.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Unable to sleep, Edward waited a couple of hours before he moved Alice from over his body, put on a pair of flannel pants and left the room, intending to sit on his favorite chair at the balcony and see the dawn tint the sky with the first colors of the day.

He was caught by surprise when he noticed a certain huge figure stretching his arms on his sofa. He walked silently, so not to wake his brother and Alice that were sound asleep.

Once he was close enough, he bent over the backrest very slowly.

"Drank so much you couldn't drive home?" He whispered on Emmett's ear.

"Holy fuck! You wanna give me a heart attack?" Emmett whisper-yelled at him.

Edward laughed as low as he could as he leapt over the backrest and sat on the cushions with his body completely turned to his best friend.

"I didn't drink, I was driving." Emmett finally answered in a forcedly low voice. "But I was fucking tired, I worked my shift and yours, remember? And I had to bring your brother back, and the hospital is near… So I just stayed."

"You know you can stay whenever you want, Emm. I was just teasing you. But why didn't you go to the bedroom?"

"Told you." Emmett said rolling his eyes. "Too fucking tired."

Edward chuckled, but then his eyes were attracted to the broad shirtless chest right in front of him.

"Like what you see?" Emmett asked in a mocking tone.

Only then Edward realized he was staring.

"Sorry." His smile was sheepish. "It's just kinda impossible not to notice it when you're rubbing it in my face."

Emmett's smile was naughty.

"You wouldn't be just staring if I was rubbing it _on_ your face, E…" His tone was plainly provocative.

Both men wet their lips with the tip of their tongues, but Edward was the one sliding his teeth on the bottom one in a lingering pace.

They shared a weighted stare, until Emmett's gaze dropped to Edward's lips.

"This is the eighth time I catch you glancing at my mouth since yesterday." Edward deliberately teased him.

Emmett didn't look away. Instead, he just wet his lips again as he stared more intently.

"You have nice lips." He answered in a natural manner while shrugging. Then he gazed pointedly to Edward. "You're the one counting."

"I think you wanna kiss me again." Edward replied, being unapologetically provocative, embracing this fresh thrill that was arising inside of him.

A malicious smile graced Emmett's lips.

" _I_ think that if you reached that conclusion so damn fast is because you've been thinking about it." Leaning slightly toward Edward and getting serious, Emmett gave back, looking right into Edward's eyes. "Would it be a real problem if I did?"

A tense aura involved them. Edward's alluring countenance morphed into a serious one as he realized, with undeniable surprise, he wanted that.

"Would it be a real problem if _I_ did?" Edward returned the question while arching one of his eyebrows.

Emmett just got closer.

"Not for me, no…" He replied, his amber eyes boring into Edward.

Edward exhaled heavily, parted his lips and wet them with the tip of his tongue again...

"Just waiting for you to do something, Emm." He whispered.

And that was enough for the big guy.

In a swift move he wrapped his large hands around his best friend's neck and pulled Edward to him.

Their lips clashed and molded with one another as the thrill they both were feeling intensified.

Edward too wrapped his hands around Emmett's thick neck and pulled him strongly, until there was not even half an inch between their faces.

Lips parted. Mouths fit. Tongues touched and swirled eagerly as their breaths mingled in a low cacophony.

The kiss was intense, both friends indulging in the unexpected hunger they felt for each other. And it got even more intense as Emmett ran his hands through Edward's hair and entangled his fingers with the strands on his nape.

Edward sighed heavily into the kiss and pressed his hands more forcefully against Emmett's neck skin as they both plunged their tongues into each other's mouths.

The night darkness still surrounded them… And they were deeply engrossed in their strong exchange.

Those were the reasons why they never noticed the pair of dark green eyes that observed them with bewilderment…

But Jasper was careful not to let his presence be known. Even being baffled by what he saw in his way to the kitchen when he intended to quench his thirst, he was still cautious and silent when returning to his room, his heart heavy in his chest.

Edward felt his body responding to Emmett's motions. They were still just kissing, but their tongues and lips and hands were so fiercely communicating their desire it was impossible to not understand what was unexpectedly going on between them.

"Do you feel it?" Edward asked when their lips briefly detached so they could breathe.

While Edward nibbled Emmett's bottom lip the big guy slightly opened his eyes. He looked at Edward through his lashes.

"This is crazy…" He answered.

"I know, but I…"

Emmett cut him off by softly pushing his head away and looking fiercely into his eyes.

"You're my best friend. I do feel it. It's impossible not to feel it for a guy like you… And I love you but… You love your…"

"Don't say it." It was Edward's turn to interrupt him. "Please don't say it."

Emmett sighed as his hands slid away from Edward's face.

"Edward, it would be fucking perfect between us… If it wasn't for the fact that I'm still in love with someone else and so are you." He shook his head as to dismiss the thought as Edward's eyes became downcast. "It's too fucking complicated. This can get messy and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"I know." Edward admitted. "Me neither. I just… Since we kissed I feel like…"

"I'm the first guy you've ever kissed." Emmett said in an understanding tone. "This whole thing is new to you, so you're curious, and thrilled… And we have our bond, which is very strong. It's perfectly expected for you to feel as if there was something more. Besides… Unconsciously, you want to feel something more for someone else." He looked at his best friend pointedly again.

Edward leaned sideways on the backrest of the sofa and heaved a weighted sigh.

"You're right." He assumed, shaking his head slowly. "I guess I got carried away. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"But I do feel attracted to you." He affirmed earnestly.

Emmett chuckled.

"I've always felt attracted to you, E." He confessed. "But, I don't know, there's just too much at stake. Don't think that turning you down is easy…"

"I bet it's not." Edward teased.

Emmett chuckled again and pushed him playfully.

"But our friendship is more valuable than indulging in my horniness." They both laughed a little. "And you are just trying to find a way out of your problem, you're not that really into me."

"Maybe I am trying to find a escape, maybe I am thrilled and curious because you're my first. but I'm not so sure you're right about the last part." It was Edward's turn to look at him pointedly. "I still wanna kiss you… _Really_ want to… Like… _A lot_."

This time Emmett chuckled, but just as a reflex of his anxiety. Edward's eyes were clear and honest, he could tell his best friend was exposing his true feeling.

And since he could not deny the plain want flowing between them either, he decided to just define a middle ground.

"Oh, fuck, why the hell not…" He sighed. "Okay, I cave… But, at least for now, we'll be just making out. And you're telling Alice about this." Emmett demanded softly, his body already leaning toward Edward. He nodded. "And we're not getting involved. Promise me."

Edward wrapped his hands around Emmett's neck and pulled himself closer.

"I can promise I'll try but… What if we do?" He replied in a whisper, his eyes focused on his friend's lips.

Emmett shook his head, mere inches from the blond's mouth.

"Shut up, Edward." He gave back just before their mouths fit once again.

The kiss started already heated and eager, excitement taking over them fast and steady. And as the friends surrender to it and their exchange got even more intense, Emmett and Edward admitted to themselves they truly enjoyed that new and unexpected connection between them.

Both knew they would not want to let go of that anytime soon.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Spend some time with your brother." Emmett advised in a soft, caring tone, already outside the apartment. "He's hurting."

Edward felt himself frowning and opened his mouth to make the question, but Emmett beat him to it.

"We talked a lot, yesterday." He explained. "And you know how good I am at reading people. Besides… He's more like you than you think. I could see right through his walls."

"Okay." Edward replied in a whisper, nodding once.

"And talk to Alice." Emmett demanded as the elevator doors opened. "Not doing this if she's not aware."

"Will do."

They shared an understanding look, and then the big guy was gone and Edward got back into the apartment.

He walked along the corridor in silence, feeling just a bit self-conscious about having spent the previous hour and a half making out with his best friend and deeply enjoying it. His mind was full with emotion and questions, he was distracted… But not distracted enough not to sense something was not right when he heard soft sniffles coming from the room his brother was using.

Not sure his ears were accurate, and therefore not wanting to disturb Jasper if he were still asleep, Edward leaned on the door and listened closely.

He could hear subtle fussing, so he knew his brother was awake. He knocked, but no answer came from the inside.

"Jade?" He called tentatively. "Can I…"

The door burst open before he could finish, and he got confused as he saw Jasper walking quickly to the bed, not even glancing back at him.

He got in, feeling cautious all of a sudden.

His brother's backpack was opened over the mattress, and with his back to Edward, Jasper was rushedly arranging his things inside of it.

"You're… packing?" Edward asked in a careful voice.

Jasper didn't turn to him nor stopped what he was doing. He simply scoffed.

"What does it seem I'm doing?" His tone dry, his voice huskier than usual.

Edward frowned and got closer to him. Once he was beside Jasper he could notice his face was reddish and his eyes were a bit puffy.

"You've been crying, did something happen?" Edward practically urged, immediately worried.

"Nothing happened, and I haven't been crying, it's just allergies." He clearly lied. "I just need to go home." He added in an afterthought.

Edward put one of his hands on his shoulder.

"Jade…"

Jasper just shrugged him off.

"I don't have the time or energy for this now, Edward."

Edward held his forearm gently.

"Hey, stop, look at me." He asked lovingly.

Jasper glared at him.

"Didn't you hear me? Just leave me alone." He spoke earnestly, yanking his arm from his brother's grip.

Edward squinted while feeling his stomach flooding with an icy sensation.

"Why are you angry at me?"

Jasper heaved a weighted sigh and zippered his bag.

"Fuck." He uttered under his breath. "I'm not angry." He voiced louder.

Edward held both his arms with a little more force and made him turn.

"I've known you for 22 years…" He stated in a low tone while gazing intently into his brother's eyes. Jasper rolled his. "You can repeat it a hundred times and you'll still not fool me. Especially from you, I know a lie when I hear one."

Jasper scoffed once more and looked at his brother defiantly.

"That I bet you do." He retorted acidly.

Frowning and feeling completely puzzled, Edward searched his eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jasper clenched his jaw and his nose flared.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know."

Jasper rolled his eyes again.

"It means you can obviously always tell when someone lies. That's the main skill of a liar."

"You're calling me a liar?"

"Isn't that clear? Do I have to spell it for you?" Jasper's voice was dripping irony.

Edward shook his head, baffled.

"Why the hell you're calling me a liar?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Jasper questioned with one of his eyebrows arched high.

"When did I…" Edward puffed. "Stop answering me with questions, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with _you_?" It sounded like an angry, almost disgusted statement.

Edward release his arms and took a step back, shocked with the loathing he could see in his brother's eyes.

His heart jolted, and for a second he was sure Jasper had found out about his feelings.

He took a deep breath, trying to find his center.

He could not ask about that directly, he was afraid of even _trying to fish_ for the information. So he just kept looking at his brother, waiting for him to say something more.

But all Jasper did was move towards the bathroom to take the remaining of his things. He wanted nothing more than to go back home, to be far from his brother at that moment, even if he didn't understand well why. He knew he was upset and jealous, he knew he disapproved of Edward's attitudes, but he didn't think those were strong enough reasons to wish so much for distance.

In an impulse Edward moved in front of him, before he could get to the en-suite.

"I'm sorry if I offended you or if I did something that hurt you, or both, but don't you think I at least have the right to know what it is that I did?" His words came out in a rush as he looked beseechingly at his brother.

Jasper huffed, his countenance showing his incredulity.

"You don't know? You think what you've been doing is alright?"

"What the hell am I doing, Jasper?" Edward practically pleaded, and in his eyes the despair was plainly clear.

The remaining of Jasper's patience vanished.

He snapped.

"You were kissing your fucking best friend right after fucking your fucking girlfriend!" He started to rant. "Not so long ago you called me a whore for having sex with my _boyfriend_ , so what are you, Edward, huh? Because at least I am faithful to the person I'm with, and I know what I want and who I am, I'm not toying with people's feelings just because I'm indecisive."

In the middle of his bafflement, all Edward could do was defend himself as he slowly assimilated the reason for the aversion he could see in his brother's stare and tone.

"I'm not.. Indecisive." His voice was weak.

"You told me you're not gay. And yet you were practically _eating_ Emmett's face less than an hour ago." Jasper's voice was loud and firm.

Edward shook his head and released all the air he had in his lungs in a puff. Then he looked at his brother's eyes, begging for comprehension with his.

"I'm... Bi…" He confessed in a sigh. Jasper's eyes widen and his whole face turned blank. "I've just… found it out and… Alice and I are not a couple, we don't have any kind of commitment, she actually sees other people… And Emmett and I… That was the second time we kissed and this thing between us was unexpected and it's still not defined."

Jasper swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly confused with why he was not vexed anymore and, instead, he felt shaky and a bit more jealous.

The brothers looked at each other for more than a minute without speaking a word, both so tense, and so puzzled with the reason for that tension, that none of them knew what to say...

But then Jasper, being as spontaneous as ever, just let out the first thing that became clear in his mind.

"You like him." He didn't ask, and his voice betrayed his obscure disapproval.

"He's my best friend, I love him." Edward answered naturally.

"No, not like this." Jasper said, shaking his head. "You _like_ him."

Understanding what he meant, Edward bit his bottom lip before answering.

"I'm not sure of what I feel for him. It's… New…" He assumed in a guarded tone.

"I've seen you two together." Jasper affirmed, this time more emphatically. "And I saw you two kissing." He sighed heavily, trying hard to ignore the odd weight in his chest. "You do like him."

Edward took a step closer and bent his neck a little, so their eyes were on the same level. He vacillated, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before finally speaking.

"What if I do, Jade…? Why would that be a reason for you to be mad at me?"

The weight of that question, the slight fear and confusion tainting Edward's eyes, and the inscrutable reason behind his own attitudes made Jasper realize he was not able to answer that and it forced him to get a hold of himself.

"I'm sorry." He avoided the question as he frowned. Then his countenance became as gloomy as he felt inside. "I didn't know any of that... And how would I? You don't tell me anything anymore."

Edward assumed he should be honest.

"I don't really share my love or sex life with anybody, Jade. That's very private. Even when we were closer, have I ever shared this kinda thing with you?"

Closing his eyes for a brief moment and remembering that lost time, Jasper could admit that, yes, Edward used to share a lot of things with him, but never this part of his life.

Still a bit thrown off, Jasper could only nod slowly after bending his head.

Out of nowhere Edward felt that, that moment, for some unknown reason, was a defining one in their relationship. He felt that that was a sliver of chance for them to reconnect in a truthful way. And although that was something he was not so sure about, if it would be healthy for him, for his sanity, he felt compelled to take the leap and salvage at least a bit of his relationship with his brother.

"Look, I know you're hurt 'cause things are different between us." Edward got closer. "And I'm open to try and change things the most it's possible. You don't need to feel so…

"Insecure?" Jasper let it out in an afterthought, realizing what he'd said only after the word was out.

He sighed heavily and turned toward the bed, walking to it slowly. He sat on the mattress and only then looked at his brother, his eyes downcast.

"I hate this." He confessed. "I hate that you're different with me, that I'm not…" He shook his head, feeling silly for speaking his mind, but knowing he needed to do so anyway. "That I'm not the center of your world anymore."

As Jasper bent his head Edward walked to him and crouched before his open legs.

"I know how childish and selfish this sounds." Jasper resumed without looking at him. "I sound like a brat, but it's just how I feel."

"Jade, look at me." Edward asked in a loving tone and Jasper obliged. "You _are_ the center of my world. Always have been, always will be." Their gazes locked. "There's no one else as important to me as you. And sometimes…" He interrupted himself, knowing what he almost let out would be too revealing, and looked away.

But suddenly Jasper was determined to understand that ambiguity, not only in his brother's words but also in his eyes.

He bent a little, so their faces were closer and their eyes were leveled. He looked deep into the gray.

"Sometimes…" He incited in a grave tone.

Edward looked back at him and just felt compelled to speak, and due to the way he immediately lost himself in his brother's stare, his filter stopped working so well.

"Sometimes this is exactly what keeps us apart…" His words came out in a hesitant low tone. "It's just... Too much to bear. Loving you, the way I do? It's heavy." He admitted in an impulse. "It takes too much of me…"

"I don't… Understand." Jasper confessed in a whisper.

But as Edward's eyes glinted with what truly resembled relief, Jasper squinted, and this small voice in the back of his head questioned him if maybe, only maybe, he actually _didn't want_ to understand.

And so he knew he could not keep on asking… Not anymore.

He squared his shoulders and straightened up, feeling so determined that nothing and nobody would make him change his mind.

"You know what? I'm tired of your cryptic explanations." He spoke in a steady low voice, his face placid, unreadable. "I'm exhausted of you dodging my questions and giving me answers that say nothing." He gazed intently and intensely at his brother. "I want _real_ answers, and I'll have them… Now."

"Jade." Edward uttered as in a plea, shaking his head slowly.

Jasper got up from the bed, walked slowly with firm steps until the door and locked it. Then he turned to Edward, who was already standing up with a nervous facial expression, and leaned on the door as crossing his arms over his chest.

"This time you'll speak. One way or another, you'll let me in." Jasper stated, undisturbed. "Neither of us will leave this room until I get to understand what is truly going on."

Edward gasped quietly.


	12. Laid cards

**Chapter song: Demons by Imagine dragons**

 ***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Gray and green connected intensely. They were so deep into each other that the Cullen brothers could not look away.

They both held one another's gaze… They both waited for the other to say something.

Edward's body was as taut as a bowstring. He was so tense he could not move.

Jasper's facial expression was as impassive as a statue's. But on the inside the anxiety was increasing unmercifully by the second.

The strained silence extended… It was getting hard even to breathe inside the room but neither of the young men would budge.

Inside their minds they were battling with themselves… Jasper controlling his anguish in order to keep the placid facade, as trying to find the best way to convince his brother not to be afraid to open up. Edward desperately searching his mind for a way out of that situation, since telling his brother he loved him way beyond fraternally was not an option.

Minutes passed…

Until, finally, both of them, knowing well how the other could be obstinate, understood they would spend a long time in that "stare contest" if neither gave in, they decided to break the uncomfortable stillness.

They spoke at the same time in the same pleading tone.

"I don't know what you wanna hear."

"Please, talk to me."

Both Edward and Jasper, hearing what the other had said, sighed and bent their heads as squeezing their eyes shut for an instant. Then Jasper was the one to cede, for he knew that, between the two of them, Edward was the most stubborn one.

He walked to his brother and, hesitantly, held his face in his hands and raised his head until their eyes met.

"Please." He asked emphatically, arching his eyebrows high. "Talk to me. There's nothing you can't tell me."

Edward felt his control wavering, the urge to give Jasper exactly what he was asking for so strong he could barely retain it.

"I…" He let out in a barely-there whisper.

Jasper searched his eyes and nodded slowly, encouraging him. Edward parted and closed his lips a couple of times before sighing heavily, his heart thundering in his chest.

"You're…" He uttered and then cut himself off as shaking his head.

"Tell me." Jasper insisted.

For a second, just a mere second, Edward considered disclosing the truth. If he were honest with himself he would admit he wanted, hopelessly, to share his secret with his brother…

But he knew he could not do that. He was irremediably aware of the consequences that revelation would generate.

So he fought. He fought his feelings, he fought his urges, he fought his weaknesses… And as he fought also the truth, he found in his mind the perfect way to be honest without being explicit.

He held his brother's hands with his, and deliberately ignored the shiver they shared. He swallowed hard as calming himself, and looked deep into Jasper's eyes as he spoke.

"I feel too responsible for you." He started in a grave voice. "I feel as if your safety and happiness depended on me… It' so… So intense that it's almost obsessive." He paused, gauging his sibling's reaction. "I don't know how to deal with it. I've never known. And I… At some point I understood that I needed to have a life… Which I couldn't really have if it was constantly revolving around you."

He pulled Jasper's hands away from his face and let them go once they were far enough. Jasper frowned softly and started nibbling the inside of his cheek.

"That's why I moved away." Edward resumed, taking a step back. "That's why I kept my distance and that's why it's so heavy for me… To have you around." He felt as if his heart was cracking as he noticed tears welling up Jasper's eyes. "That's why it's so heavy for me to love you."

Jasper heaved a sigh and bent his head as thick tears rolled down his face.

"I also wanted _you_ to have a life, without me breathing down your neck." Edward added as to sooth a bit of the disappointment he could see in his brother's downcast gaze.

Jasper took a minute to process what he had heard… And as he assimilated everything, and found sense in his brother's words, he looked back at Edward's gray eyes and focused on them.

"Why do you feel as if I was your responsibility?" He asked in a tremulous tone, not bothering to dry the subtle tears that kept flowing from his eyes.

Edward fought the urge to just run his thumbs across Jasper's blushing cheeks.

"I don't know." He consciously lied. "Maybe because you were always so fragile…"

"I'm not fragile." Jasper retorted in a firm tone.

Edward shrugged, his eyes apologetic.

"That's how I see you." He justified in a whisper.

Jasper took a step closer to him and craned his neck a little.

"I'm not fragile, and I don't need you to take care of me. I can take care of myself." He affirmed steadfastly. "All I need…" His voice broke and he cleared his throat. "All I need is my brother, my best friend, back."

It was Edward's turn to have his eyes welling up. He frowned.

"I want to go back." Although low, his tone was emphatic. "I just need to find a middle ground."

"So, let me help you." Jasper pleaded as taking his brother's hands in his. "Just let me in, Tonton."

"I don't know that you can."

"Let me try." Jasper insisted in a sad smile. "You need me too."

"I do." Edward admitted in mirrored gesture. "You have no idea how much, but…"

"Stop." Jasper demanded in a sudden harsh tone and look. "Stop trying to find excuses."

Edward looked away, affected by the exigent stance his brother had assumed. It made him feel vulnerable.

Jasper let go of his hands and held his face once again.

"Look at me." He commanded, and Edward immediately obliged. "Why can't you trust me?"

"I trust you."

"No, you don't. If you did you would let me in."

"Jade…" Edward uttered as pulling his head away and stepping back until they were a few feet apart.

Jasper exhaled heavily, dismayed.

"What can I do?" He asked seeming almost defeated. "Just tell me what to do, how to act around you… I'll do it." He swallowed hard and pleaded with his eyes. "I've told you… I'll do anything, Edward… Anything… Just to have you back."

Moved solely by his heart, Edward surrendered just a little. He walked back to his baby brother and, feeling as if his heart was about to explode, he looked down as he held Jasper's arms softly.

"Stay." He let out his heart's strongest will. "Just stay for a while more. Don't go."

Their eyes, as their hearts, connected deeply.

Once more Jasper felt the unnamed feeling taking over him… But this time, instead of making him uncomfortable and raising the urge for distance as it happened in the morning of the previous day, it exerted a relentless pull… An impulse he fought with all his strength and conscience, and that he denied until he believed it was nothing…

"Okay." He replied to his brother's request. "I'll stay."

They exchanged a longing gaze until they both felt as if they had reached a limit. They stepped away from each other in synchrony.

"I'll make you breakfast." Edward said in a weird voice.

Jasper just nodded.

Then he extended his open hand to his brother. Edward took the key and was soon gone. And he stood there, trying to make sense of the myriad of emotions running wild inside of him.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Good morning, boys." Alice's voice was cheerful as she entered the kitchen.

She found Edward scrambling some eggs in a frying pan as Jasper set the table.

Jasper held back a cringe, forced a smile and looked her way after placing the forks over the table cloth.

"Good morning." His tone was light, but Edward, who knew him better than anybody, recognized the hint of distaste underlining his voice.

Oblivious, Alice returned his smile with a sweet one and walked toward Edward. Jasper looked away as soon as her hands slid up his brother's naked broad back.

"Morning, pixie." Edward greeted her while turning.

He kissed her forehead and moved to the table, Alice following him. The three sat in silence and helped themselves to the food.

After sipping some coffee, Edward looked at Alice before covering her hand with his.

"There's something I need to tell you." He spoke calmly, but due to the silence, his thick voice made Jasper look at him.

"Shoot." Alice replied as placidly as Edward.

"There's someone else I'll be seeing from now on."

Jasper frowned, a bit perplexed with the ease with which his brother was speaking that and with the lack of reaction on Alice's part.

He furrowed his eyebrows even more when, against all the odds, she smiled.

"Do I know her?" Alice asked as she poured herself some more juice.

Jasper quietly gasped.

" _Him_." Edward corrected serenely. "Yeah, it's Emmett."

And finally Jasper could see a reaction… But definitely not the one he expected.

Alice's smile just broadened and she looked at Edward seeming hyper.

"Really?" Her tone was a mixture of surprise and delight that made Jasper feel even more uneasy. Edward nodded. "Finally."

"What? Don't tell me you knew this could happen." Edward gave back in a smile.

"Well, that it could happen, not really, but I kinda rooted for him." She shrugged. "I've always known he had a slight crush on you."

Edward chuckled while shaking his head, and Jasper, utterly baffled with the whole thing, leaned on the backrest of the chair and focused on the hot coffee mug he had in his hands.

They kept to themselves for a moment as they ate, and only Jasper felt uncomfortable.

"What are your plans for this weekend?" Alice broke the silence as she finished her meal.

"I want to spend some time with my brother." Edward answered looking at Jasper.

The mention made the younger look at him, and they shared a spontaneous smile.

"You know, besides the similar features... Fair skin, blond hair, light-colored eyes…" Alice spoke pensively, and both men looked at her. "You two are not much alike. I mean… As brothers usually are."

"Dad says Jasper looks a lot like our grandfather." Edward provided. "We didn't know him, he died even before I was born and by the photos it's difficult to tell."

"Edward is the spitting image of our dad at this age." Jasper added.

"You two could easily be cousins." Alice commented simply. "Or not even be related, at all. If I didn't know I would never tell you're siblings."

"Well, we are." Edward replied in a controlled tone.

He truly wished they were not.

"If you'll excuse me…" Jasper said as he got up. "I need to call dad, tell him I'm staying longer." He told Edward.

"I take care of the dishes, don't worry." He assured as Jasper moved to take his plate.

He nodded and left the kitchen.

Alice sighed.

"He definitely doesn't like me." She stated unperturbed.

Edward chuckled.

"You'll win him over." He affirmed as getting up and moving toward the sink.

"I don't think so…" Alice said contemplatively to herself while looking to where Jasper had just gone out. "I truly don't."

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper put the joystick on the coffee table and, with a cheeky smile on his lips, observed his brother walk to the door.

Soon after breakfast Alice had left to go to work, and Edward had spent the whole day focused on him. They went grocery shopping together, exchanged spontaneous laughs as they told each other old jokes and recalled moments from their past… Edward took Jasper to a brief tour around the city and they had lunch at a cozy restaurant downtown… Once they were back home they watched their favorite movie and then decide to play video games like old times.

It had a been a great day, and Jasper felt way happier than he had for a while. He was so ridiculously happy he felt a bit giddy.

So he kept his bright-eyed stare over Edward as he opened the door. He took more than what would be natural to process the emotion that rose inside him as he saw his brother pulling Emmett by the shirt collar, and the big guy placing his big hand on Edward's face softly in the sequence, just before their lips attached and they exchanged a lingering shallow kiss.

Jasper just blinked, and all the jolliness he'd been feeling was washed away.

He dropped his eyes to the cushion between his indian-style folded legs and swallowed slowly. And once more he told himself he was jealous because Emmett had a significant role in Edward's life while he was trying to earn back his. He inwardly justified the oppressing insecurity he felt, and tried to find comfort in the fact that his brother was acting so naturally around him again that he was not hiding who he really was anymore.

"Hey, Jasper." Emmett's strong voice brought him back from his thoughts, but his eyes landed on Edward.

He felt a weird pinch in his stomach as he realized his brother's face was slightly blushed and his eyes had a different glint.

"Hey, Emmett." Jasper replied in a forced smile and light tone. "So I've heard you're hooking up with my brother." His voiced took a slightly suggestive pitch as he arched one of his eyebrows questioningly.

Edward chuckled and glanced from him to Emmett, feeling strangely light.

Emmett smiled unconcerned as his amber eyes twinkled with mischief.

"Should I have asked for your permission?" He asked in a joking tone as he sat beside Jasper on the sofa.

Jasper followed Edward with his eyes until he sat on the sofa arm next to him. They shared an empathetic look and then smiled softly to each other as both their hearts seemed to synchronize their rapid beats.

"Should he?" Edward asked in a soft voice to his baby brother.

Noticing their undeniable synergy, Emmett squinted slightly, observing closely the evident and intense affection flowing between them through their gazes and body language.

And as Jasper nodded slowly, a hazy look in his eyes, that were acutely locked in Edward's, the big guy silently questioned if his best friend's feelings were indeed unilateral.

He didn't have time to mull it over, though… At least not right then.

"I'll give you my blessing." Jasper spoke slightly defiantly, which confused Emmett a bit. "If you remember who I am."

Emmett furrowed his eyebrows.

"Edward's younger brother." He said in a slightly interrogative tone.

Jasper shook his head once.

"His center."

And for a second or two, the steady tone with which Jasper had pronounced those words, and the words themselves, echoed in the heads of the three of them, provoking diverse emotions.

While Emmett was puzzled and Jasper surprised with himself, Edward felt something he had never seen coming…

Hope.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"You've already drank too much." Emmett whispered in Edward's ear as taking the glass of whisky out of his hand. "I thought you were okay."

"I aam okaay." Edward slurred the words a bit as he pulled away a little so he could look in Emmett's eyes.

"So why are you drowning yourself in whisky?" Emmett arched his eyebrows in a questioning expression.

Edward looked away from his best friend's cunning gaze and glanced around the crowded club. Of course his trained eyes landed on his brother, dancing discreetly, all by himself, in the middle of a sea of hungry men that were all ogling him.

Emmett followed his stare and sighed.

"I should've predicted this…" He spoke to himself. "Do you wanna go outside?"

"Iwanna tellhim." Edward blurted out, his gaze fix on Jasper.

"What?!" Emmett uttered in bafflement, his eyes widening. "You wanna tell your brother that you're…"

"Inlove with hiiim, yeah." Edward provided in a mumble as he swayed side to side a little.

Emmett moved from beside him and stood right before him, blocking Edward's view and forcing him to look up at his incredulous eyes.

"Have you lost your mind?!" he spoke loud and clear, and Edward focused on him like he thought he would. "Edward…"

"Cantkeep this tomyself anymoorEmm!" He yelled over the loud music. "Is killinme!"

Emmett pulled him aside, to a darker and a bit less crowded corner.

"Edward, for God's sake!" He held his forehead. "How do you think he'll react, huh? He'll freak out!"

"Helovesme." Edward slurred once again. "Notlike I dohim, but itwiill makim understand… Thisssnot myfault."

"This is the alcohol speaking." Emmett thought out loud, then looked fiercely at him. "You're fucking drunk, you don't know what you're saying."

"He toldme there's nothing I can'ttellhim." Edward stumbled through the words. "I wanthim toknow."

"You'll lose him, _and_ your family!" Emmett was emphatic.

Edward leaned his head on the wall behind him and closed his eyes, trying to make his mind stop spinning.

"Just… Stay here." He heard Emmett ask softly. "I'll get you some water and we can talk better about this once you're sober. Okay? Answer me."

Edward looked vaguely at him and nodded.

"Promise me you'll wait for me right here." Emmett insisted. Edward nodded again. "Don't you move."

And Edward even tried to stay put…

He told himself, even with the numbness and through the heavy haze provoked by his drunken state, that he should wait for Emmett.

But then, from afar he saw Jasper glancing around, as if he was looking for something… And then he noticed the guy talking to him, ogling him, getting too fucking close to him… And he simply couldn't stand it.

Stumbling and swaying all the way, he walked to his brother.

"Heeey, fuckooofff." He spoke in an unstable voice, putting himself in front of Jasper.

He felt his sibling's hand on his shoulder, but he was too busy glaring at the muscular man before him.

"Why would I?" The guy defied him, tilting his chin up.

"BecauseI'mtellinyouto." His words came out in a slow, elongated pace.

"Who the fuck are you, his bodyguard?" The man questioned him as getting closer.

Edward shortened the distance between them even more, until they were mere inches apart, scowling at each other.

And that was the moment Jasper knew he needed to interfere. He'd already realized how drunk his brother was.

He pulled Edward by the arm and stepped in front of him.

"He's my brother." He answered the guy with a firm stance and stare. Then he turned to Edward. "And he's stupidly drunk." He said as looking pointedly into his sibling's eyes. He gazed back at the stranger. "Thank you, but no, thanks. I have a boyfriend." He was relentless.

Jasper didn't wait for the guy's come back. He wrapped his hand around Edward's wrist and started to walk away, pulling him easily.

"You need some fresh air." He said in a low tone as he spotted a back door.

"Heeeeeey, wherareyou takinme?" Edward stammered.

"Outside." Jasper yelled above the loud noise.

And then they were out in the cold night, the only sounds reaching them being cars passing by and the echo of the music coming from inside the club.

"Where's Emmett?" Jasper asked as they leaned side by side on the wall.

"I dunno…" Edward slurred the words once again.

Jasper glanced sideways at him, smiling crookedly as understanding how out of his normal self his brother was.

"You're fucking hammered." He provided in a chuckle.

Edward chuckled as well.

"ThaswhaEmm said."

Jasper frowned and dropped his stare to the wet dirty pavement.

"So…" He stalled a little. "Now you guys are really…"

"Yeeeeeah." Edward laughed. "Im hookinup withmy bestfriend. Hess thefirsyou know… Guy." His words coming out between subtle hiccups.

Having a hard time controlling his jealousy, and unconsciously biting the inside of his bottom lip, Jasper risked a glance at his older sibling.

"You're falling for him?" He asked cautiously.

Edward chuckled again, and then laughed lightly while shaking his head.

"GuessIwanto… you know? 'Cause theneverythin willbe soooo mucheasier…" He laughed a bit more as Jasper frowned, confused with his reaction. "Buthas kindimpossible…"

Jasper pushed away from the wall and stood right in front of him.

"Why's that?"

Edward got immediately serious.

"'CauseIm alreadinlove with sommebody elllse." He blurted out.

Jasper took half a minute to assimilate that.

"You are?" He finally asked, and his voice was hesitant and low. "Who is it?"

Edward squinted, feeling there was something in his brother's eyes that was very familiar, something he needed to recognize, but he was failing miserably.

He shook his head and his body swayed together as he dropped his stare to his feet.

"I wishyouu werenoot mybrother." He mumbled.

It worked as a punch to the gut, and Jasper stepped back, his hands coming to his stomach in a spontaneous motion.

"Why… why would you say that…?" He uttered in sheer hurt.

Edward raised his eyes to him and, unable to identify the pain he caused due to the influence of the alcohol, he just let out his truth.

"Becaause I lovyou…"

Although Jasper did not perceive, the affirmation was saturated with longing and tenderness.

He frowned.

"You wish I were not your brother because you love me?" And he sounded as puzzled as he felt. "Is that supposed to make any sense?"

Even being as drunk as he was, Edward still hesitated a little before giving in to the impulse…

He took a whole minute before opening his mouth to try and explain.

"I donsimply lovyou, Imm…"

A loud bang startled both of them and made them turn to the heavy metal doors from where they had come through.

"I looked all over for you!" Emmett shouted. "You got me fucking worried!"

Only then he stopped to take in the scene before him… Jasper's face blushed, his eyes glistening with unshed tears… Edward swaying slightly, his face also reddish, his eyes bigger than normal.

"What happened?" Emmett was cautious, already trying to come up with a contingency plan.

Jasper looked sadly at his brother, shook his head and turned his back to them, striding toward the parking lot.

"Jaaade." Edward mumbled as he took a step forward, intending to follow him, but Emmett held him by the arm.

"What did you do?" He asked in a soft voice, worried.

"I wastryinto tellhim…" Edward's voice was unstable. "Thinkit cameout wrong."

"I told you not to do this." Emmett subtlety scolded him. "C'mon. Time to go home."

"Whereishim?" The words tumbling out of his mouth as he stumbled next to his friend.

"He's probably by the car, he walked toward the parking lot."

And there he was, leaning on the car hood, head down, ankles and arms crossed, a defeated expression on his face. As soon as Emmett and Edward got closer he pulled away and turned his back to them.

Emmett turned off the alarm and held Edward's wrist as Jasper got in the back. He looked at the big guy with a dizzy gaze.

"Wait until you're home to talk to him. Don't mess up things even more." Emmett advised in a caring tone.

Edward just nodded to his best friend, just vaguely aware of what had happened.

Once they were all in the car Emmett drove away.

It was a long and silent ride until Edward's apartment.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

 _Looking into the deep gray and feeling as if his heart could fly out of his chest, Jasper raised his hand to his brother's face… Edward covered it with his and leaned in closer._

 _"I love you, Jade. I truly do. And that's basically the reason for everything."_

 _Jasper squeezed his eyes, trying to hold himself together and not to burst from such strong emotion._

 _He pulled away his hand and turned his back to Edward, but as soon as he opened his eyes the older was there before him._

 _"You are the center of my world. Always have been, always will be." He spoke emphatically. "There's no one else as important to me as you. And sometimes…" He cut himself off and sighed, but then he smiled softly. "Sometimes this is exactly what keeps us apart… It's just... Too much to bear. Loving you, the way I do? It's heavy. It takes too much of me…"_

 _Confused with all the feelings revolving inside him, and a bit uncomfortable with his brother's words, Jasper turned away again and started to walk._

 _Soon he was striding along a pale field, feeling as if there was something he needed to find, something he needed to understand, something that had always been there but he'd failed to see…_

 _He felt a hand wrapping around his wrist, yanking him back._

 _"This is… Too hard for me." Edward spoke in a trembled voice as Jasper looked at him. "I've tried, but I can't… I can't do this. I can't be around you. Not anymore. It hurts too much."_

 _Jasper frowned and opened his mouth to ask why he was telling him all those things… He'd heard all that before and it hurt too much to go through all that again._

 _But before he could form the question Edward was simply gone…_

 _He squeezed his eyes again, this time harder, and once he opened his eyelids the scenario was changed…_

 _It was raining so much he couldn't see clearly and almost stumbled on the sea of suitcases and bags. He walked disoriented through them until he saw Edward's car and him sitting on the hood._

 _They looked at each other._

 _"Having you close… Seeing you with Jake." Edward murmured while shaking his head._

 _When he bent it in a plain defeated gesture, Jasper got closer and held up his face._

 _"I love you. Plus que ma propre vie." Edward whispered longingly._

 _He hugged Edward, resting his chin in his brother's shoulder, closing his eyes._

 _He opened them once he felt he was wrapping his arms around air, and what he saw made his stomach churn._

 _Edward was kissing Emmett with such passion it hurt him deeply… And he didn't even know how to explain that pain to himself._

 _So he thought about turning away and leave… But his body went the opposite way, toward the engrossed couple, and soon he was so close he could touch them..._

 _And then he was not simply close… He was the one kissing Edward._

 _His brother pushed away his face and looked intensely into his eyes._

 _"I wish you were not my brother."_

 _He gasped and looked around._

 _He was back at the alley behind the club._

 _"Because I love you…" Edward said in a desperate tone, walking to him as he slowly stepped back._

 _Oddly, Jasper finally found his voice when his back hit a wall._

 _"You're falling for him?" He heard himself repeating the question although it was completely out of context._

 _"Guess I want to… you know? 'Cause then everything will be so much easier…" Edward laughed loud and shook his head. "But that's kinda impossible…"_

 _"Why's that?" He practically whispered, his heart thundering inside his chest._

 _Edward got closer and flattened his hands on the wall behind him by the sides of his head._

 _"'Cause I'm already in love with somebody else."_

 _Jasper swallowed hard and looked even deeper into his brother's eyes._

 _"You wish I were not your brother…" The words came out of his mouth without his conscious consent. "Because you love me."_

 _And as he saw Edward nodding slowly, and perceived the longing glinting in his eyes, suddenly it all made sense, and he wasn't confused anymore._

 _"I don't simply love you," Edward said in a low, hesitant tone. "I'm…"_

"In love…" Jasper heard himself completing his brother's unfinished sentence as his eyelids fluttered open. "With me."

The whole thing, the weird dream, the memories in it, that last sentence, the truth he could intuit behind it, it all took just a minute to dawn on him.

Jasper took a deep breath and exhaled heavily as he turned on his back on the bed and fixed his gaze at the ceiling.

He tried harder to assimilate all that without freaking out but… He didn't really have time.

"Can we talk?"

His brother's voice was deep and plain with repentance. He turned his head slowly to the direction of the sound, his heart hammering his chest unmercifully.

Jasper wasn't really in control of his emotions and attitudes, too immersed in his epiphany to discern what was the best behavior or best approach for dealing with that. His instincts took over, and he just naturally obeyed.

"You stayed away because you were hurting…" He started to say as he got up, everything settling in his mind and fitting like a puzzle. "You moved away because being around me hurt you... Because you couldn't see me with Jake…"

Edward was suddenly afraid. His brother's eyes told him he could see further than he'd ever done before…

"The reason for the anger, the annoyance, the disappointment and the pain I saw in your eyes… That was me… With somebody other than you." Jasper affirmed earnestly as taking a step toward him.

Edward heaved a trembled breath and his eyes filled with humidity.

"You told me you were not in love with Jake, and now I know you really weren't, it wasn't him you wanted..." Jasper took a deep breath and furrowed his eyebrows. "You were not jealous of me… You were jealous of _him_." He frowned completely as Edward parted his lips to release another heavy exhalation as the first tears rolled down his face.

Jasper stopped five feet from him and his countenance softened, his eyes becoming pleading.

"Tell me it isn't true." He asked in a low voice, looking intently into his brother's eyes, his heart so heavy he had to cover his chest with both his hands. "Tell me I'm crazy to even fathom this possibility. And I will believe you… Even if all the evidences point to another direction."

At that moment Edward realized there was nothing more he could do… His secret had been disclosed, it's was out in the open, he was exposed… And surprisingly, he didn't want to run away or mask it…

He wanted to confirm it and feel free from the weight of that secret, but he feared the progression of his younger brother's reaction. He seemed calm, but Edward knew well that those widened eyes meant he was on edge and about to flip out.

And seemingly to reinforce his apprehension, Jasper briefly squeezed his eyes shut, heaved a weighted breath and raised his gaze back to Edward's as shaking his head.

"Tell me I'm wrong, Edward." His wavering voice let it clear he could start crying at any second, his eyes desperate boring into his brother. "Please." And that was an unmistakable plea.

Edward bit his lip.

He would always want to attend to Jasper's requests, to fulfill his wishes, especially when it was something that would affect him that much. He wanted desperately to protect his brother at that moment, and also his family and himself… But he was so tired of keeping that… The secret was as heavy as the truth, if not more, and he felt so exhausted of restraining, and hiding, and avoiding, and concealing…

The reality was... He did not have any more strength to carry on with the charade.

So he slumped his shoulders in an act of evident defeat as he breathed out. Then he inhaled slowly as he parted his lips reluctantly.

"I can't." He release in a trembled sigh. "Some time ago I would. And I would do anything you asked me to… But not this." He noticed the exact moment Jasper went all rigid and tense. It didn't stop him, though. "Because I don't wanna hide anymore. At least not from you…"

"No." Jasper uttered as he raised one hand between them. "Don't say it." And he stepped back.

"You need to hear it, Jade." Edward justified in a begging voice and facial expression. "And I need to tell you."

"No."

Edward could not hold back anymore. He closed his eyes.

"I am in love with you." He stated firmly, loud and clear. Then he looked at his brother. "I have been for a long time."

It was Jasper's turn to gasp quietly.


	13. A change of heart

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Jasper blinked twice, then another time, his face the perfect image of perplexity…

And then, in a mere second, this stillness, this almost unnerving calm took over him, his gaze morphing, and he looked at his brother with an unnatural placidity behind his eyes.

Sure, he'd known the truth beforehand, he had deduced it by the time he opened his eyelids… But as he reasoned everything gradually, assimilating every part of the verity as he spoke, realization came to him like an avalanche, and he was definitely not prepared to have it confirmed so bluntly. He should have been literally shocked by it.

And for a fleeting moment, he actually was.

However, instead of dumbfounded, at that moment, less than a minute after his brother's confession, Jasper's face looked almost devoid of expression, as himself felt numb.

Edward waited, intently staring at his brother, his stomach churning in expectation of his real reaction. He knew that _nothing_ was the last thing his baby brother would feel and do after that disclosure. His heart was thundering, his fear increasing by each silent second that passed by.

He was aware of the bomb he had just thrown on his brother's lap… He was completely conscious of the consequences he'd already put in motion… But that didn't make him immune to the pain he knew he would have to face or remotely ready for the fallout.

"Say something." Edward practically mouthed the words after a couple of minutes, his voice too weak to produce a stable sound.

Jasper remained still, quiet, his frigid eyes only moving when they finally dropped to the floor.

Edward took a step toward him, and right on cue that elicited his first visible reaction since those words had been spoken.

Without looking at his brother, Jasper took a step back, his face blank, unreadable.

Edward's heart sank in sheer despair.

"Jade, please." He unabashedly begged.

Jasper released a subtle sigh and turned away from him, walking to the dresser on the opposite wall. He hadn't had time to unpack his things since the previous day, so his bag was practically ready. He started gathering some toiletries that were around slowly, putting them inside his backpack with no hurry, nearly meticulously.

Edward immediately grasped what was about to happen, what the younger clearly intended to do.

"Don't do this…" Edward voiced unstably, the words breaking in all the wrong parts. "Talk to me."

But Jasper simply kept going through the motions, as if he was detached from his body.

Edward felt hopeless, and despair made him act instinctively. He turned to the door right behind him, closed it and locked it, tears starting to roll down his eyes silently. Once he turned back Jasper was right in front of him, looking almost through him, his gaze empty, glassy.

"We need to talk about this." Edward tried again, speaking quietly.

Jasper just shook his head subtly, still looking anywhere but at him.

He moved to the right, so to dodge Edward and reach the door, but his brother moved with him and extended his arms forward as to impede his advance.

Jasper immediately backed away.

"Don't touch me." His tone was firm, but low and cold.

Edward felt it like a punch, his crying finally breaking through his tenuous restraints.

"Just say something, please." He pleaded, openly sobbing.

Jasper just pursed his lips and moved again, this time reaching the doorknob before Edward could react.

Edward knew things would only get worse once he noticed the door was locked, but he couldn't let him go like that.

"The key." He heard Jasper say, and so he finally turned.

Jasper had his back to him, and in an impulse, Edward took two steps and held his wrist.

The younger yanked his arm from his grip and spun around.

"We're brothers!" He spat, practically howling, his voice bouncing on the walls and startling Edward. "How could you?!"

"I-I didn't look for it!" Edward stammered, his tears flowing freely. "I didn't want this to happen, it just…"

"I'm your blood, Edward!" Jasper's voice faltered as his eyes filled with tears. "We have the same parents! How could you ever look at me differently? How could you ever… _Want_ me?" He questioned as scrunching up his nose and furrowing his eyebrows. "This is…"

"Disgusting?" Edward completed in a broken murmur before he could.

"Deplorable." Jasper provided in a heavily disapproving tone.

Edward sobbed without any control, then forcefully took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his hands over his eyes.

"I know." He affirmed a bit more firmly, avoiding his brother's accusatory eyes. "It's vile, it's horrible…" He sniffed. "But it's also real, and I couldn't keep this from you anymore."

"You should have…" Jasper retorted through his clenched teeth. "And I should have never insisted."

"You told me… There was nothing I couldn't tell you." Edward argued softly, beseeching with his eyes. "You asked me… To trust you… And I did."

The left corner of Jasper's upper lip twitched as if he was about to snarl.

"It never crossed my mind that you had lost yours and let yourself fall in love with your _younger brother_!" His voice came out laden with reproach.

"Jade, I didn't _let_ myself fall for you... I didn't provoke the feelings I have for you, they just… Happened."

"You should have tried to smother them."

Edward's whole face scrunched up in sheer pain as he shook his head, and his voice transmitted the heavy hurt when he spoke.

"You think I haven't tried?! Why do you think I changed so much, became so distant, estranged myself from you? Why do you think I moved away?"

Jasper felt a pinch in his stomach, and his heart clenched inside his chest, but he deliberately ignored the emotions, pushing them away as much as he could and, on the outside, he remained apparently unmoved.

"I should have listened to you, when you said it was better that way… I should have taken your word for it, I should have just accepted your distance…" His tone, as his face let it obvious how repentant about that he was. "And I should have never come. We're better off out of each other's lives."

With that Edward flinched before freezing on the spot. He truly felt as if his heart was cracking.

"What… W-what you're saying…?" He stuttered in a jagged tone.

After swallowing slowly and unclenching his jaw, Jasper released a puff of air and looked deeply into his brother's eyes.

"That you were right, I agree with you." His voice sharp. "You can't be around me."

All the blood rushed to Edward's feet and he suddenly felt so cold that he feared fainting.

"Jade." The uttered single word sounded like a supplication.

It did not touch Jasper, tough.

"I wish you hadn't told me." He stated in a deadpan tone. "I wish I didn't know. Now I can't look at you."

Edward whimpered involuntarily. Jasper extended his hand to him.

"Please, give me the key."

Without enough strength to insist, Edward gave in. Sobbing and looking at the floor he offered the key in his open palm to his baby brother.

As Jasper opened the door, a painful question bubbled up his throat and he could not hold it back.

"Am I losing you?" Edward blurted out in a wavering voice.

Jasper halted on the doorsill and stood there for a couple of seconds without ever turning, but then just strode away, not a word spoken.

The air got abruptly too heavy to breathe and Edward felt the lump in his throat dilate. His heart, nearly strangled by the violent pain, was hurting so bad his hand clutched the shirt above it in an unconscious motion as the other went to wrap around his neck.

His sight blurred. His lips pursed intensely.

And then it was all too much for him to bear.

A potent sob gagged him and exploded through his lips as the desolation took over.

And for an immeasurable amount of time, Edward stood there motionless, weeping the loss of what he believed he had never actually had.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

It was already dark when Emmett got in the apartment with the spare key he took with him before leaving early that morning. He didn't want to wake neither of the Cullen brothers after the previous night fiasco between them, and he was coming back after work to check on Edward.

The quietness unsettled him, as the heavy darkness. It would not be weird for none of the lights to be turned on if there was nobody home… But he knew at least Edward was. His car was in the same exact spot it had been in the morning.

"Edward?" He called as he walked down the hall to the bedrooms.

He didn't hear an answer, so he got in his best friend's room and turned on the light. Empty. He turned to the room right in front and, even before he flipped the light switch, he could see the outline of his lean figure curled up in fetal position over the bed.

A heavy sigh escaped Emmett as he felt his heart clenching in his chest. He deduced what had happened as he looked around and didn't find Jasper or any sign of his belongings… And his suspicions were practically confirmed once he got closer to Edward and identified easily the faint stains of the tears path across his flushed cheeks.

Carefully he sat next to his best friend's body and rested his big hand on his shoulder.

"What the fuck did you do, blondie?" He murmured to himself, saddened by the probability of his dear friend hurting.

"I told him the truth." Edward said in a weak voice, startling Emmett just a bit.

He opened his eyes and looked straight into the amber ones of his best friend.

"I told him I'm in love with him." He elaborated.

Emmett sighed once more.

"He didn't take it really well, did he?" He asked just for the sake of confirmation. Edward shook his head as much as he could on the pillow. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"

Edward closed his eyes.

"Please, Emm, I really can't bear an "I told you so" lecture right now." His voice, as his lips, quivering.

Emmett felt as if his heart had shrunk. He leaned in over Edward and wrapped his arms around him the best he could, resting his chin on top of his head.

"I'm sorry, E." He whispered sincerely. "I'm truly sorry… For everything."

Edward nodded slightly and silently began to cry yet again. Emmett tightened his hold on him.

"I'm here. Just let it out, I'll take care of you… Just let it out."

And Edward did just that for a while, until he was too tired to keep on crying. He moved his head and nuzzled his nose on Emmett's neck.

"Thanks for being here… For being with me." He whispered. Emmett raised his head and looked at him. "Thanks for not judging…"

"I don't give a fuck to whom you love, blondie. I'm your friend, and I love you. I just want you to be fucking happy."

Edward chuckled lightly, immediately infected by Emmett's lighthearted personality and fierce words.

Emmett looked at him seriously.

"Tonight is a good night to get shitfaced. Especially because I'm off tomorrow."

"I'm back tomorrow." Edward whined.

"Only at the night shift." Emmett argued as he sat up straight. "You'll have the whole day to enjoy a deserved hangover."

Edward chuckled again, this time truly enjoying it.

"Okay, but we'll drink here. I'm not in the mood to go out."

"I'll go down the convenience store and buy us some beers. You call that Thai restaurant I love and ask for my favorite." Emmett instructed as getting up and moving to the door.

"Emm." Edward called softly before he could cross the sill.

"Huh?"

"C'mere."

Emmett frowned a bit but did as he was told. Edward pulled him back to the bed once he was close enough.

"Kiss me?" He asked bashfully.

Emmett snickered.

"Are you using me right now?" His tone was unconcerned.

Edward snickered as well.

"Just a little… For comfort." he answered with a shrug.

"Just because you're honest." Emmett said as he leaned in. "And because you're my best friend and I told you I'd take care of you."

"And because you like to kiss me." Edward added as their lips brushed slightly.

Emmett just nodded softly before their eyes closed and their lips fully touched.

It was a soft, slow, emotional kiss… Actually the first emotional kiss they had shared. And it was brief, but sweet and tender. Everything Edward needed at that moment.

Their eyes met affectionately after Emmett gently broke their exchange.

"Better now?" He asked softly, mere inches from Edward's lips.

"I always feel better when you kiss me." Edward murmured.

"Corny." Emmett mocked him a little before leaning in again and leaving a brief kiss on his lips.

He stood up to leave.

"Don't fall for me." He warned jokingly before reaching the bedroom door.

"I would if I could." Edward replied honestly as he went out. "I wish I could." He spoke louder.

"Careful what you wish for." He heard Emmett say in a jolly sound from the hall.

He closed his eyes and just wished with more will.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Amid soft grunts and hums, the wet sound of lips meeting and molding with each other was all that could be heard.

Tongues were softly battling a forfeited sweet war for a never coming dominance.

They dipped and plunged between swollen eager lips, twisting and swirling and probing as the air became scarce.

Fair skin chiseled chest expanded over tanned muscular pecs. Hands grazing, caressing and fondling washboard abs and soft navels as pelvis and hips gradually decreased their undulation, remnants sensations elicited by strong climaxes still taking breaths away...

Pearl white teeth bit and held on to an upper lip as the tip of a tongue slid tantalizingly along a lower one.

Both men sighed softly and opened their dazzled eyes. Amber and gray met intensely as they nibbled each other's swollen lips slowly, almost tenderly.

"I want more." It was murmured in a passionate tone.

Emmett chuckled softly as gazing intently at Edward's post-orgasmic face.

"I'm the king of stamina, E, but even I need some time to recover." He whispered as he ran his fingers through Edward's hair. "Especially after coming for the third time in a row… And that hard."

Shaking his head slowly while smiling softly, feeling pretty accomplished for having brought Emmett to complete satisfaction, he leaned in to his best friend's ear.

"I want more of that too." He said in a suggestive tone, then pulled away again and looked intensely into Emmett's eyes. "Touching and feeling you is addictive… But that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, blondie?"

Edward pushed away from above Emmett's body and sat back on his heels between the big guy's open legs. Emmett followed his movement with a slight frown, confused by the sudden change of mood, and sat up on the mattress too, circling Edward's waist loosely.

"We've been doing this for almost three months now." Edward spoke tentatively. "Hooking up is great but… I want more." He clarified simply.

"You mean sex." Emmett didn't really ask, but he raised an eyebrow in question.

"Sex too. But not just it."

Realizing where that conversation was going, Emmett started to shake his head slowly.

"E, we've talked about this…"

Edward held his face between his hands and forced him to stop and look seriously at him.

"I haven't been with anybody else…" His voice came out all soft and warm as he searched his best friend's eyes.

Emmett's smile in return was subtle.

"Me neither, but it's too fucking soon."

Edward raised his eyebrows and backed away just a little, but never let go of his face.

"Soon?" Edward's voice came out a tad higher in surprise. "We've been all over each other since August, and I have…"

"You were with Alice for more than a year and nothing ever changed." Emmett cut him off with a matter-of-fact tone.

"That was different, it was just comfort and sex, it was convenient for us both." Edward rebutted.

"And that's so different from what we have…" Emmett retorted with an eye roll.

"It is!" Edward stated emphatically. "Except for the sex part… Because you are such a romantic…" He teased with an ironic smile.

Pushing him playfully by the chest, Emmett chuckled while Edward held both his hands.

"I'm not romantic, I just believe that sex is a very powerful exchange. You can't have it randomly."

"Would it be random with me?" Edward questioned in a mockingly outraged voice and raised his eyebrows even higher on his forehead.

They both chuckled a bit. Then Emmett got closer and his eyes clearer.

"E, you know what I mean… Sex is... Total surrender, especially between two men. I can't just give myself completely if I'm not effectively involved with someone… It's cheesy, old fashioned and maybe even ridiculous but… I need to be in some sort of commitment."

"So be my boyfriend." Edward let out effortlessly, in a light voice.

Emmett flashed him a lopsided grin, mirth swimming in the glint of his eyes.

"Really? You're asking me to be your boyfriend just so we finally have sex?" Emmett's tone was sardonic but underlined with humor. "I know I'm smoking hot and you are insatiable, but with everything we do, as often as we do, you should be at least appeased."

Edward laughed wholeheartedly and pushed him playfully. Emmett let himself fall heavily back on the mattress and pulled Edward's body with him. They ended up in the previous position with their noses touching.

"I'm way more than appeased, you can easily tell it since you're the one masterfully manipulating my body…" Edward provided in an alluring tone before nibbling Emmett's bottom lip. "But this is definitely not the reason I'm asking for the _second time_." He stressed the last two words as looking at the big guy pointedly.

Emmett sighed and his head sank a little more in the pillow as he averted his eyes. Edward got instinctively a bit apprehensive.

"I don't think you're ready to get into something serious, E." Emmett spoke honestly and firmly. "Not yet."

"Emm, I…"

Emmett gazed back at him, his eyes incisive.

"Just look into my eyes and tell me you're over your…" Edward narrowed his eyes as if he was bracing himself and his body went rigid. Emmett knew how that subject deeply hurt him so he swiftly changed his words last minute, so they wouldn't be so impactful. "... Over Jasper."

Edward turned his head to the side, his eyes immediately downcast. Emmett shook his head slowly, regretting his move. It hadn't been his intention to hurt his friend though he knew he would.

"I… I have feelings for you, you know..." Edward uttered almost cautiously, still looking away.

Emmett raised his hands to his face and gently made him turn his head back, softly rubbing his thumbs over his cheeks.

"I have those too, Blondie…" Emmett admitted. "But I can't risk my heart once again if I'm not a hundred percent sure… I'm sorry."

Edward just nodded, resigning himself. He knew his best friend pretty well to be sure he wouldn't budge, insisting would be of no use.

The matter died fast as Emmett swapped their positions and brought his body flush with Edward's, silencing him for the time being with a scorching kiss.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Two days later, Edward was arriving home with his mind on his plans for the next day. His mind was set and he was the one decided not to budge until convincing a certain huge friend. They would have time and space to connect even more, since they were both off duty the next four days.

Or that's what he thought…

He didn't know his plans would be threatened to become wishful thinking.

He was distracted when he opened his door and entered the hall. He let go of his bag and kicked off his shoes dreaming with the cold beer that was in his fridge.

"I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow." He heard coming from the living room.

Edward's smile was spontaneous once he raised his eyes to his father standing on the doorway, and got even broader as his mother emerged from behind his old man.

"Dad?! Mom?!"

He walked to them feeling ecstatic and was embraced by both parents with enthusiasm. He was so used to not having them that even if their presence meant his plans could be ruined he wouldn't mind at all… That is… Until his eyes landed on the fourth person in the room.

Edward's honest smile flickered and died as he stepped back from his parents slowly, never averting his eyes from the tense figure standing near the balcony.

"Hey." It was Jasper's weak greeting.

With some effort Edward was able to disguise the shock of seeing his brother, but it seemed like the floor had simply vanished from under his feet… It had been almost three months with no contact, not a clue of what he'd been up to, not one single snippet of information about him, not even through their parents, since Edward had been too afraid to ask.

"Hey." Edward gave back in an even weaker tone.

Then he brought his gaze back to his parents, fearing he wouldn't be able to hold back the hurt and threatening tears. His heart was already pounding unmercifully against his ribs.

He forced a smile.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming? When did you arrive?" He babbled the questions in a hurry to break the awkward silence.

"It wouldn't have been a surprise if we had warned you, son." His father answered first in a merry tone. "You told us you wouldn't be able to travel home for your birthday due to your demands here, so we decided to come."

"We arrived half an hour ago. Your brother called the hospital to know when you would be getting home." His mother provided soon after.

With that his eyes moved back to Jasper's face without his conscious permission. And, out of his control, their stares locked.

Edward felt his knees weaken and his legs feel like jelly all of a sudden. Without realizing, his lips parted and he sighed, just to swallow hard right after.

There was so much he wanted to say, but he knew he couldn't, Jasper wouldn't want to hear it… Besides, their parents were right there and that was probably the reason for him being there. After everything that had happened and everything he'd said, there was no way Jasper would have gone there if Carlisle and Esme hadn't forced him to.

They shared this acute stare for less than ten seconds, but for both of them it seemed an eternity. Jasper was the one to break their connection, dropping his eyes to the floor as starting to gnaw on his lower lip.

Spell broken, Edward could get a better hold on himself.

"How long are you staying?" He asked his parents. "I need to prepare one of the rooms for you."

"No need, my dear." It was Esme. "Your brother knew where everything was and we've already accommodated ourselves."

"We were just waiting for you to see if you'd like to go out for dinner." Carlisle added.

"Whatever you and mom decide, dad." He affirmed with false calm. "I just need to shower. Coming from a 36-hour shift."

"So go take your shower and we're going to discuss where to go." His father said in a soft smile.

Edward nodded and took the opportunity to hide in his room, even if just for some minutes.

He would need to prepare himself for being around Jasper…

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Almost ready, missing just the polo shirt that was over his bed, Edward sat heavily on the mattress.

"Just take a deep breath and go with the flow." Emmett advised with a caring tone from the other end. "And don't crowd him. Let him come to you."

Edward nodded slowly, almost despondently, even though Emmett could not see his gesture. Then he saw the door opening from his peripheral vision.

"I have to go now." He spoke on the phone in a sudden tense voice, looking at his brother as he entered the room hesitantly.

"He's there, huh?"

"Yeah. Call you later." Edward kind of rushed.

"Kay. Bye." Emmett understood perfectly.

"Emmett?" Jasper asked cautiously as Edward put the cell phone away.

He just nodded, for a moment not finding his voice.

"How are you two?" Jasper added as he walked tentatively closer to his brother.

"Fine." Edward forced the word out of his throat.

Jasper bit his lower lip, sighed and stopped in the middle of the room.

"I meant, how is your relationship with him." He clarified in a grave tone.

And once again their eyes got intensely linked and, unwillingly, Edward took a good look at him.

Only then he could notice the subtle changes on Jasper… How his hair was a little longer and less wavy, less shiny… How he seemed slimmer, his cheekbones a bit more protruding, his chin jutting out just a little more than normal… How his shirt and pants seemed a tad too loose...

"Are you okay?" Edward blurted out.

Jasper heaved a sigh and squeezed his eyes for a tenuous moment.

"Do you prefer the easy answer or the hard one?" It came out in a deadpan tone, his whole face showing he was controlling and hiding whatever it was that he was feeling.

"I'd rather you be honest with me." Edward replied as standing up and taking two steps closer to him.

Jasper didn't back away.

"I'm far from okay." He confessed and then released a puff of air.

"Because of me." Edward conceded.

"Because of _me_." Jasper retorted and took a step toward him. "Because of my stupidity, because of my denial… Because of my arrogance."

Edward frowned, truly confused.

"What are you talking about?"

Visibly nervous, Jasper shook and bent his head, staring at his feet for a second or two. Then he raised his hand to his hair and ran his fingers through the strands slowly before returning his eyes to Edward's.

Edward's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the bracelet on his wrist.

"Can you just answer my question?" It seemed like a plea, Jasper's voice was almost supplicant. "I promise I will explain everything anyway, but… I need to know."

"About my relationship with Emmett?" Edward asked, but it sounded like an observation. "Why?"

"Edward, please. Just answer it."

"We've been together ever since we hooked up back then." He gave in in a deep frown. "We're fine and I…" He cut himself off, not sure he wanted his brother to know about that.

"And you…" Jasper urged.

Edward didn't see a point in hiding that from him… He didn't want to go back to concealing who he really was anymore. So he just let it all out, even though he couldn't see why his brother was so interested.

"I've been planning on asking him to be with me…" He shrugged. "I'll do it tomorrow. I'll ask him to be my boyfriend. And I wasn't expecting mom and dad to be here but… Since they are I'll tell them about him and me. Tonight."

"Don't." Jasper spoke in a haste.

Edward furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side.

"What? Not tell mom and dad? I have to, they will find ou..."

"Don't ask him to be your boyfriend." Jasper clarified in an urgent tone.


	14. Awakening

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 _A little less than three months earlier..._

As Jasper opened the door, his heart so heavy in his chest he was experiencing physical pain, he heard his brother's question.

"Am I losing you?" The words cracking, his voice quivering.

Jasper halted on the doorsill, his breath promptly caught up in his throat. The impulse was to turn back and look at his brother, tell him the truth, that he didn't know, it was impossible to know anything at that moment with the mess that was inside his head and heart...

But for the first time Jasper didn't give in to his spontaneous behavior. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and strode away as opening them back, not wanting to risk the snippet of sanity and control he still had.

He held on to it, barely breathing, and didn't stop walking until he was safe inside his car.

Then his emotions went rogue.

Tears and heavy deep sobs broke through his frail self-restraint and shook his body as he finally surrendered to the hurt and cried freely. He wasn't even sure what exactly he was crying for, but that didn't really matter when the pain was so overwhelming.

It took him some time to regain a semblance of composure. As soon as he did he took a deep breath and started the car, deliberately ignoring the remaining tears flowing from his eyes.

And as he drove away from Hanover he did his best not to think of anything related to his situation with his brother. He knew he needed time to digest what he had learnt and the feelings revolving inside of him…

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"I don't understand."

"I know. I'm sorry, I know this is hurting you… But I really need it."

Jacob released a puff of air, surprised, confused and utterly scared. He still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of being apart from Jasper, even if it was just for "some time" as he put it, especially following the four days he had spent without him, receiving a heavy silent treatment after their very first real fight.

"We were okay before that stupid argument." Jacob commented hesitantly, holding back the tears. "If this is about what I said…"

"This has nothing to do with us, Jake." Jasper interrupted him softly. "It has nothing to do with our fight. _I_ need time, this is solely about me."

"So, what you're saying is that you need to be away from me for no specific reason." He stated in a wavering voice.

Jasper sighed and closed his eyes before carding his fingers through his hair. Then he turned around and looked outside his balcony, to the darkening sky.

When Jacob put it that way it really seemed a little reckless, meaningless even, to take some time apart. And it was not like he truly understood the fundamental motive for needing to be alone at that moment, he just knew he needed it if he was to figure out everything he had been feeling.

"I have my reasons." He said despondently. "But I think it's better to keep them to myself. For now."

"I have the right to know why you're leaving me." Now Jacob sounded plainly angry.

Jasper turned to look at him.

"I'm not _leaving_ you, this is not a breakup. I just need space to figure some things out."

"You can't ask me to accept this without understanding what's going on, Jasper!" Jacob's voice got a bit louder and defiant.

"You don't have to _accept_ anything." Jasper retorted in a firm grave tone. "It's my decision, I'm not asking for permission. And I can't explain something that I am still trying to understand myself."

Two large strides and Jacob was right in front of him. He squinted and searched Jasper's eyes with suspicion.

"Is this about Edward?" His voice came out strained and hesitant.

Jasper swallowed hard and forced his mind not to go there. With some difficulty he kept the nonchalant facade, and pretended, even to himself, he was not phased by the mention of his sibling's name.

"Why would it be about my brother?" He threw back the question in a sharp tone, consciously trying to avoid the answer.

Jacob looked at him pointedly while shaking his head and resting both his hands on his hips. That answer was too obvious, at least in his mind.

"He's always been the only person capable of affecting our relationship." He remarked acidly. "Since your birthday, even before that, you've been fretting about your relationship with him. We fought because of him."

Jasper pursed his lips and set his jaw before speaking.

"We fought because you were thoughtless." He countered. "He needed me there with him, he was hurting, and you wanted me to come back just because of a stupid trip we could've easily rescheduled."

Flinching with his last words Jacob stepped back.

"Stupid?!" He looked hurt. "It was our fifth anniversary trip. We'd been planning that for…"

"It didn't matter, Jacob!" Jasper cut him off harshly, and Jacob flinched again, his eyes widening in bafflement. "How can't you understand that family comes first? Edward is my only brother."

"And he's more important than anybody else." Jacob added in a cold voice, his surprised countenance morphing into a disappointed one. "Even if he doesn't give a fuck about you." He concluded, hurling the words at him with plain anger.

As if to rebut the mistaken comment, a very inconvenient memory was promptly elicited inside Jasper's head.

 _I am in love with you. I have been for a long time_.

He dropped his gaze to the floor automatically, unconsciously trying to suppress the myriad of disturbing and contrasting emotions that rose as a consequence.

However, triggered by that one remembrance, his mind brawled to focus on every single word that Edward had ever said to him… It forced his virtual walls and tried to rise up and flood his brain with all he was yet to comprehend.

"I can't understand what it's about him that makes you so blind." He heard Jacob whisper despondently.

So he compelled himself to ground his attention on the present moment, raised his head and eyes and looked at his boyfriend, trying hard to really see him.

When he did, his heart clenched inside his chest…

He knew Jacob for as long as he remembered… They met each other when he was just a toddler and _Jakey_ came to his house for his playdates with Edward. He grew up having his brother's best friend around all the time, Jacob even looked after him with Edward some of the so many times their parents had to go out…

Sure, they grew closer later on, when the seventeen-year-old Jasper, way more mature than the boys his age and knowing what and who he wanted, pulled all the stops to be noticed by his brother's nineteen-year-old best friend. But exactly due to the long-lasting friendship between Jacob and Edward they had already been close all along and Jasper knew him too well… Maybe as well as he knew himself.

So looking at him then, with his mind finally focused, he could easily read the hurt and desperation written all over Jacob's face and eyes. He could feel the pain his boyfriend was feeling… And of course it wounded him, for the love he felt for Jacob was still very real.

He closed the distance between them with two determined steps and wrapped his arms around Jacob's body. The brunet sighed heavily and mimicked his boyfriend's gesture.

"I don't wanna fight, Jake." Jasper stated in a slightly pleading voice. "I don't wanna hurt you and I don't wanna lose you." He pulled away and looked at him with serious eyes. "I love you, baby… Please, understand, I _need_ some space for some time."

"I can't lose you Jay, I can't. I love you too much." Jacob confessed in a broken whisper as he pulled the blond back into his arms and tightened his hold.

Guilt engulfed Jasper, made him feel unfair and selfish… He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly, forcibly subduing the sentiment, because he needed a clear head to do that.

"You're not gonna lose me." He stated, deep down trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Jacob.

"Promise me." Jacob pleaded, resting his head on the blond's shoulder as his eyes flooded with tears.

Jasper pulled away once more and looked into his boyfriend's brown eyes, holding his face between his hands.

"I will spend some time away but I'll be back." He promised.

"Come back to me, babe… Please." Jacob added as a soft sob shook his chest.

Jasper hugged him again and shed some tears of his own. Then he just nodded, because at that moment it was all he could do... For he was sure he would be back… But he wasn't certain of anything else.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper bent his head while running his fingers through his grown blond strands. The wind blew around him, bringing his hair back to his face and hiding his saddened countenance as a curtain.

"You know you can talk to me. About anything." Carlisle assured in the other end.

Sighing heavily for the tenth time and moving his cellphone to the left ear, Jasper nodded even though his father could not see his gesture. He kept on plucking the grass between his folded legs.

"I'm okay, Dad. I told you, I'm just trying to figure some things out." He repeated the explanation he gave to his parent a week before, when he asked for the country house's keys. "Don't get so worried, I'm a grown up man."

"I know, son." He heard the trust on Carlisle's voice. "I just want you to remember that if you need me…"

"You'll be right there for me. I know, Dad. I know."

"Your mom is missing you, but she understands you need space. Just don't take so long to call, she gets concerned. You know how your mother is."

Jasper smiled a little and straightened up, his eyes roaming around the vast view of the field in front of him.

"Tell her I'm eating properly, and I'm taking good care of the house. No messes."

They both laughed lightly, and then became silent.

"We ran into Jacob a couple of days ago… at the supermarket." Carlisle spoke with plain caution. "He was helping his mother."

"How was he?" Jasper asked immediately sorrowful. They hadn't spoken since the last time they saw each other.

"Apparently fine, although I could tell he was not." Carlisle was honest with his son.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he's clearly lost some weight and I noticed subtle dark circles around his eyes. He talked to us as usual, even smiled a little, but I know Jake since he was seven… He couldn't have hidden the sadness from me if he wanted."

Jasper became silent as the guilt took over him once again…

"Can I ask you something, son?" He heard his father utter tentatively.

"Anything, Dad." He answered promptly.

"This break… Is it about you having feelings for somebody else?"

Even being miles away from his father Jasper's body still got rigid with the sudden tension that arose in him. Of course he was yet to understand that kind of reaction, it still didn't make much sense to him, although he suspected the reasons behind it.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer." Carlisle spoke before he could find his voice. "Just listen to me." He completed in a caring tone before sighing. "Take your time, but be truthful with yourself. We can always change our minds, regarding anything and everything but… The heart… It does not have a mind to be changed… It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality. You can try and change the way you think, but it is almost impossible to change the way you feel. Do you understand, son, what I'm trying to say?"

Taken aback with his father's words, Jasper was speechless for a moment.

Not that Carlisle had ever been cold or indifferent toward him or his brother, on the contrary... Though somewhat serious and reserved, and also very respectful of his sons' privacy, his father was rather a very loving and caring one, that often put himself available to hear his children and attend to their needs as soon as they shared them with him.

It was actually the accuracy of his statements, his sagacity on saying exactly what Jasper needed to hear, even though he had been completely unaware of what was happening, and the unexpected new perspective that it provided, that completely disconcerted Jasper.

"I'm sorry if I'm meddling, it is not my intention." Carlisle apologized when Jasper took too long to say something.

"No, Dad, you're not meddling, it's just…" Jasper hurried to say. "You kinda hit the bull's eye…" He chuckled lightly but with a hint of sadness. "And gave me food for thought."

Carlisle chuckled as well, although his son's despondency had not gone unnoticed.

"That's what parents are for." He joked a bit, wanting to cheer up his youngest. "I can't give you all the keys to all the doors, but I can tell you where to search for them."

"Thanks, Dad. Really." He emphasized the last word.

"You're very welcome." Carlisle replied gladly. "I have to go now. Important board meeting in ten."

"Okay."

"I love you, my son. Please don't spend another week without calling."

"I won't." Jasper assured. "I'll call Mom later."

"Do that."

"Love you."

Then, following an impulse, Jasper rushed.

"Dad?" He heard his father's 'huh' on the other end. "Have you heard from Edward?"

His heart was pounding so fast and strongly he had to place his free hand over his chest to soothe himself a bit. He hadn't said his brother's name neither had spoken to him for over a week.

"Talked to him yesterday. He's fine." His father answered simply.

"Okay. Bye, Dad."

"Bye, son."

Putting the cellphone aside Jasper heaved a deep breath. It was still hard to wrap his brain around what Edward had disclosed… He didn't know how to deal with that and how he truly felt about it. He was depressed, yes, but much more because he had distanced himself from the two most important people in his life at once… And at least for the time being, and until he was able to grasp what exactly was going inside him, he had to keep it that way.

His father's words provided him some new perspective, though. It was indeed a way to approach the issue, and also a way to try and be in Edward's shoes.

 _It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality._

He got up from the well-taken-care lawn and climbed the few porch steps to get into the house. As he did, his mind worked on its own, assimilating some of Edward's words and connecting them with his father's…

 _You think I haven't tried?! Why do you think I changed so much, became so distant, estranged myself from you? Why do you think I moved away?_

 _It does not follow rationality._

 _It is almost impossible to change the way you feel._

 _I-I didn't look for it I didn't want this to happen, it just…_

 _It wants what it wants, and it does not follow rationality._

 _I didn't_ let _myself fall for you... I didn't provoke the feelings I have for you, they just… Happened._

 _The heart… It wants what it wants._

At that point Jasper had already reached the TV room, intending on watching his and Edward's favorite movie, just to get distracted… He knew the DVD their mother had given to them was in the cabinet, together with the so many film copies they owned.

It didn't take him too long to spot the plastic case titled _A River Runs Through It_ , and he unconsciously smiled.

He pulled the DVD out of its place and was about to turn when the black case that had been behind it called his attention.

It was tagged "The boys" in his mother's beautiful handwriting.

Jasper took it carefully and flipped it in his hand.

He had never known about that recording… He remembered that his parents often used to film him and his brother when they were kids, and sporadically once they became teenagers, but he had never seen any of those registries.

Curious and suddenly anxious, Jasper put the movie aside and opened the simple black case, rushing to the DVD player and setting it before sitting on the sofa.

He could not have pressed the _play_ button faster…

The TV was suddenly filled with the strong sunlight of a summer day. The homemade video shook a bit as the person behind the camera walked toward the field and two blond boys… One straddling a brown horse, the other one looking at the former from some feet away.

" _Come on! I won't let you fall!"_ Coming from the sound system, Edward's voice filled the room as he spoke in the video, a broad smile on his lips as he extended a hand to a very young Jasper on the screen.

On the sofa Jasper moved a bit, feeling abruptly uneasy.

" _No, you go. I'll just watch."_ He heard himself saying in a younger and higher pitch tone.

The memories of that day came rushing back to him…

The horse, Thunder, a Spanish Mustang, had just arrived. His father had given it to him as a fifteenth birthday present. But Jasper didn't know how to ride one yet, so Edward, who at that point had owned Mellin, a black American Quarter, for two years, offered to test ride it first, to check if it was as docile as assured by the previous owner.

Jasper suddenly remembered how stunned with his brother's riding skills he had been. So he unconsciously focused on himself in the homemade film, involuntarily wanting to check his reactions.

" _Try it, son. Your brother won't let you fall."_ He heard his mother's voice coming from somewhere behind the camera.

Younger Jasper looked at the camera with big and bright green eyes.

" _I want to watch Tonton riding, Mom."_ He said in a naughty smile and low voice, as if he was telling her a secret. " _I'll try it later."_

Jasper huffed a sigh, a bit surprised with his younger self. He did not remember saying that, or the mischievous excitement in his attitude.

Lucky him, his mother had framed both his brother and him, so he could watch, with undeniable amazement, the responses of his fifteen-year-old self to his brother's horse ride.

He didn't see much for the next couple of minutes, only a brother admiring the other as their mother registered the moment.

But then something very subtle, that only someone paying such close attention would have noticed, made him pause and rewind, and then watch the fraction of moment three times before pausing again and heaving a weighted sigh.

That was simply it… Just a sigh. A simple sigh his past self had released as looking at his brother… But it was enough.

Jasper leaned heavily on the backrest of the sofa and pressed the play button once again. On the TV screen Edward started galloping elegantly, and the bright smile younger Jasper had on his lips flickered and died in a soft sigh before he swallowed visibly.

It wouldn't mean much for any other pair of eyes, it would have gone unnoticed by anyone else… But it was _him_ himself who was watching, he knew his own reactions and the meaning behind them independently of how much time had passed, if he had been conscious of it, if he remembered the moment or not. And the look he'd had on his face, the way he had been staring at his older brother, and that sigh, followed by the hard swallow… They had _desire_ written all over.

 _Have I somehow suppressed it? Instinctively?_ The thought popped up in his mind.

Unwittingly he covered his mouth with his left hand.

 _"He rides so well."_ The younger version of his voice filled the room in an amazed tone. _"He's a true horseman."_

 _"Your dad taught him well, don't you think?"_ His mother commented from behind the camera _. "He has assimilated his skills thoroughly."_

 _"There's nothing he can't do, is there?"_ And right there Jasper noticed the deep wonder his own voice inflected in the rhetorical question... _"He's perfect."_

Jasper pressed _stop_ and stood up abruptly. His heart was racing in his chest and he felt as if there wasn't enough air in the room.

He threw the remote control over the sofa and stormed out to the porch. His hands held the wood railing strongly as he took a deep breath and his eyes aimlessly roamed the landscape before him.

 _Is this for real? Or am I just projecting as a way to come to terms with my brother's feelings for me?_ He tried hard to reason inwardly.

 _Maybe I'm just seeing too much into it… Maybe I just want to find a way to justify the whole thing…_

He sighed and nodded to himself.

 _Yeah, that's it. I'm just unconsciously trying to find a way to reconnect with Edward so I'll be able to accept the situation better… I don't have these kind of feelings for him… I don't._

Straightening up and shaking his head, Jasper seemed momentarily satisfied with his own reasoning… Though a small voice in the back of his head kept trying to speak a little louder what he was striving not to hear.

Later that day Jasper decided it was time to go back… He believed that being alone and trying to understand all that by himself had not been such a good idea.

The problem was… With whom would he share that sensitive matter…?

#IMPOSSIBLE#

A month later and settled back into his routine, Jasper was still feeling restless and confused.

He was trying hard to keep focused on college and to stay in the present, but the stupid nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach and the small voice in his head wouldn't let him be.

The tension in his relationship with Jacob and the unfinished paper on the laptop screen in front of him were proof of that.

He struggled to resume writing, but his mind was not helping at all, it kept spacing out and wonder how Edward would be and what he would be doing at that moment…

It had been almost two months without any contact.

Jasper sighed heavily and slumped his head, letting his hands drop against the keyboard, feeling deeply frustrated.

"It seems I came in good time… Don't bother thanking me, though, I came to your rescue of my own free and generous will"

Hearing his best friend's merry voice, Jasper straightened up and looked toward the door.

"Oh, the shit is worse than I thought." Angela mumbled to herself as she took a good look at his friend's face.

Pretending he hadn't heard her, Jasper sighed again and forced a smile.

"Hey, Angie."

Angela sat heavily on the bed, effectively making the mattress bounce a bit, which made Jasper chuckle.

"Spill." She demanded with one arched brow. "Got into another argument with Jake?"

Sighing once again Jasper looked away from her.

"Yeah, yesterday, but that's not why I look beaten." Even his voice was dejected.

"You do look terrible." Angela agreed in a humorless chuckle. "Have you even slept?"

"A little." Jasper replied simply while closing his laptop.

Sensing things were way beyond serious, way more than she firstly predicted, Angela stood up slowly, put away Jasper's computer and went back to the bed. This time she sat closer, right in front of him, and sighed softly before speaking.

"Jay, I know that whatever it is you've been facing is grave enough for you to try and keep it to yourself." She spoke steadily, sustaining a serious but comprehensive countenance. "And I've tried to respect that, and to give you time and space to deal with it alone, as you seem to prefer but…" She heaved a weighted breath. "I'm truly worried about you."

Jasper just nodded, feeling the urge to open up and unburden growing inside him.

"Since you came back from your _retreat_..." She made air quotes. "You've been down and reticent… Almost absent, actually… And I know it's because you're living inside your head, mulling over and over whatever you're handling…" She smiled tentatively. "But you can trust me. You can tell me anything." Angela affirmed as she rested a hand on his knee. "I will support you whatever this shit is."

Closing his eyes, trying to suppress the strong impulse to just tell her everything, Jasper shook his head slowly.

"I mean it, Jay." Angela reinforced. "I don't care what's going on, nothing you tell me will scare me away, I will support you whatever it is, I promise."

Something just clicked inside Jasper's brain. He opened his eyes in a haste and looked at his friend suspiciously…

Her intonation, the emphasis she put on her words, especially when she _vowed_ to support him, made him feel immediately wary.

"Why are you saying all this?" He asked cautiously.

Angela's gaze promptly became guarded, as if she was keeping something from him, but she didn't back down.

"I just don't want you to be afraid of telling me something 'cause you fear my reaction." She clarified simply and Jasper saw the sincerity in her words. "I'm your friend and I love you truly. I would never judge."

And with that he got an even stronger impression that she knew or suspected something about his problem…

However, it actually gave him the courage he needed to do what he had been dying to since he got back from the family's country house. Though still a bit afraid of her reaction, he decided he needed to share his anguish with her.

He looked for the smoothest way to begin… And he exhaled slowly once he found it.

"This will sound weird…" He spoke in a low voice. "But I need to ask some things first."

"Okay." She readily replied.

Jasper released a trembled breath.

"Do you have... Any opinions about... Incest?" He clearly forced the words out and his eyes showed how hesitant he was.

Oddly, Angela didn't seem at all confused when she just shook her head. Jasper squinted a little.

"I've never really given much thought on the subject." She sounded honest. "But then again, I've never been aware of any situation of the kind." She shrugged.

Jasper nodded slowly.

"What if you had a brother…" He proceeded in a firmer voice. "And then one day you found out he was… He had… Feelings… Feelings that are not fraternal… For you…" He felt his cheeks warming up as shame took over him. "How would you feel… What would you do…?"

"It would definitely depend on my relationship with him." She answered in such a simple way, completely unfazed, as if she had already thought about that, that it made Jasper feel almost certain she knew. "If it was one of trust, a strong and truthful connection, like yours with Edward…" She raised her eyebrows and right then Jasper had the confirmation of his suspicion. "I would talk to him, listen to him, and deal with it together with him."

Softly Jasper closed his eyes, releasing a subtle sigh. He felt relieved his best friend knew, but still a bit uneasy due to the gravity of the situation.

"Why don't you tell him?" He heard Angela ask and promptly opened his eyes to look at her, his brows furrowing.

"Who?" He sounded as puzzled as he seemed and felt.

Angela raised his eyebrows.

"Edward."

"Tell him what, Angie?"

"That you're in love with him." She answered as if it was obvious.

Well, it was… For her. But for Jasper it was not… He had been talking about his brother, not about himself, but Angela thought it was the other way around. And it shook him to his core to hear that from someone who knew him so well.

He leaned heavily against the headboard, his eyes widened and his breath caught up in his throat. Abruptly everything came back to him… The video he saw when he was at the country house, his feelings, thoughts and behavior when he was in Hanover… The confusion and anguish that had been eating him alive… Everything…

And so he could no longer ignore the truth he unconsciously tried so hard to suppress.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Why?" Edward's voice was vacillating, and he looked suddenly nervous.

Jasper blinked more than necessary, as if waking up from a daze, realizing he had to explain to his brother everything he had gone through, and what he had found out in the end, before simply telling him not to ask Emmett to be his boyfriend.

With a calm he didn't actually feel, Jasper turned and strode to the door, closed and locked it. Then he went back to Edward, stopping five inches from him.

He craned his neck and looked deeply into the gray eyes as he took his brother's hand and placed the key in his palm.

Edward closed his hand automatically and Jasper let go of it, allowing himself, for the very first time, to fully embrace the intense pull he was feeling toward the shirtless man before him. Both siblings were way beyond nervous at that point, but the eldest was the only one feeling also confused.

"There's something I need to do…" Jasper whispered as his eyes softened. "Before I explain everything."

"What's it?" Edward asked in the same tone, his eyes involuntarily focused on Jasper's lips.

"Please don't freak out." He practically pleaded. "I just need to be absolutely sure."

Edward raised his eyes to Jasper's and felt butterflies flooding his stomach as soon as their gazes locked… He knew well that decided stare… His brother had his mind set on whatever he was intending to do.

"Sure of what?" He asked Jasper in a weak voice.

Jasper didn't answer…

Instead, he took his brother off guard by wrapping both his hands firmly around Edward's neck and pulling his head down as tilting his up and clashing their lips together.


	15. Pour toute l'éternité

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

" _You think... I'm in love with... My brother?" Jasper asked in a staggered voice._

" _I thought that, yeah." Angela answered calmly, although she was registering the astonishment on her friend's face. "Some time ago. Now I know."_

 _Jasper got up from the bed and paced the room, carding his fingers through his hair continuously. Angela stood up and grabbed his wrist not so delicately, forcing him to stop._

" _I won't judge you, I don't give a fuck to whom you fall for, I just want to help you get through it." She rushed to assure him._

" _I wasn't talking about me, Angie!" Jasper blurted out, clearly desperate. "I was talking about Edward!"_

" _What?" It was Angela's turn to be stunned._

 _She dropped her hand and looked at Jasper with widened eyes. Jasper released a weighted sigh._

" _It's him…" He said in a sad tone. "He's in love with me."_

 _Angela sat heavily back on the mattress, open-mouthed._

" _Of course…" She spoke to herself, but Jasper was able to hear her. She looked at him. "Of course it's mutual."_

 _Jasper sat beside her, feeling his heart pounding violently against his ribs._

" _Angie, I'm not…"_

" _You are." She cut him off emphatically before he could complete the mistaken sentence. "And you know it."_

 _Jasper's eyes welled up with tears as he released a shuddered breath. Angela folded one leg and turned toward him._

" _You've been struggling with it, fighting against it, haven't you…?" She asked carefully, using her most loving tone of voice._

" _I didn't…" He shook his head, which allowed the tears to finally flow across his cheeks. "I don't…"_

" _I'm sorry, when you asked me about incest I assumed…" She sighed. "I had suspected you were not aware of your feelings for Edward, that's why I just backed off when you told me you needed space…" Angela explained. "But when you asked me those questions just now I thought you had realized it already…"_

" _Why do you think I love him this way?" Jasper asked rushedly, rubbing his hands against his face to dry the tears. "What makes you so certain that I'm in love with him?"_

" _Okay, I can start with the simple and obvious…" Angela said after another sigh. "Look how miserable you are. Can you tell me why's that?"_

" _Because I'm a mess?"_

" _And why are you a mess, Jay?" She insisted. "Do you remember when this whole_ mess _started? 'Cause I do, I remember it pretty well."_

 _Still skeptical, still trying hard not to admit it, Jasper bent his head. Angela held his face between her hands and forced him to look into her eyes._

" _It all started two years ago… When Edward moved away."_

 _A new flow of thick tears trickled down Jasper's eyes as acquiescence took over his mind._

A strong shiver ran down the spine of both men as their lips connected…

Edward took a second longer to realize he could not have fought that if he wanted to and then finally close his eyes, surrendering. His hands, with a mind of their own, raised to his brother's hair… And as his fingers entangled with Jasper's strands their mouths fit softly and he felt as if he had just reached the stars…

The erratic beats in his chest evened out in joy… His whole body inflated with an emotion he had only once been acquainted with, though not that intensely… And each and every one of his fibers were suddenly filled with sheer completeness.

He brought Jasper's face closer, inhaling his scent… His younger brother held his neck with a bit more force in response…

They lost themselves in one another.

Acceptance then replaced acquiescence in Jasper's mind.

His heart was not racing anymore… Instead, it was calming down and getting in a warm satisfying rhythm as seemingly expanding… It was as if it knew there was no need for anxiety or fear anymore… It had found to whom it really belonged to, filling Jasper with certainty.

He had the answer to his question at last…

Behind his eyelids tears welled up… His whole world turning upside down, changing irreversibly as the strongest emotion he had ever felt took over his entire being, erasing rationality, sense, logic…

Edward's lips enclosed Jasper's lower one tenderly, slowly, as the will to prolong their contact increased… Now that he had the one he loved in his arms he wished he would have him like that forever, he wanted to never let him go…

The brothers' hands applied more pressure where they touched, pulling each other's head as close as humanly possible, but they never deepened the kiss… It went on for what seemed a long while amid soft nibbling and gentle touching, lips subtly molding against each other, moving tenderly, tentatively, with no hurry…

Near the end their lips parted in synchrony, just to fit perfectly once again, connecting with a hint of urgency... They remained pressed together as love, passion and guilt flooded intermingled in and between the brothers, and overflew as thick tears across their faces…

Gently they broke the kiss, both too emotionally overwhelmed to go on, and joined their forehead. Their trembled sighs mingled in the space between them before they finally opened their humid eyes.

They pulled a bit away, just enough to be able to look at each other. Their gazes met in the silence and locked in one another… Jasper pulled his hands from his brother's neck and ran his thumbs across his cheeks with tenderness… Edward, totally moved by the kiss and the gesture, and still a bit dazzled, held off the will to embrace him, to pull him into his arms again, and instead, pushed a thick strand of his hair away from his face and tucked it behind his ear, his movement slow and kind.

"Sure of what?" Impulsively he repeated the almost forgotten question in a shuddered whisper.

Jasper sighed softly and a small smile graced his lips.

"That I feel the same as you…" He answered kindly.

A low sob choked Edward and he backed away from his baby brother, ceasing any physical contact at once.

"You can't.." It was not a statement, but a plea. "Please, you can't. You can't do this to me, Jade."

"What am I doing?" Jasper asked furrowing his brows in a saddened expression.

"You're killing me."

Edward bent his head, his lower lip quivering as a couple other sobs found their way up his throat.

Jasper sighed heavily, trying to withdraw his own tears, and carded his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry…" His voice came out crackling. "This isn't something I can control, you know it well."

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment, Edward forcefully found some balance.

"What does it all mean, Jade?" He practically murmured without looking at his brother, his voice too weak for him to enunciate. Then he raised his gaze and stared at him with pleading eyes. "What does it all mean, you coming here after all this time, after all you said to me and… Kissing me? Telling me you feel the same?"

More tears slid down Jasper's face as he took a step closer.

"I know I hurt you when I said those things… I know I reacted badly, but I was scared and…"

"I'm not talking about…" Edward cut him off while raising a hand between them.

"I know, but I need to explain." He interrupted Edward with a firm tone. "I need you to understand. And for that I need you to listen."

Edward nodded after sniffing, rubbing the back of his hands roughly against his eyes.

"I was in denial… I knew something was different in me, I knew deep down that my love for you, my need of you, was not…" He gasped and then sighed. "The way I felt for you was changed… And I was scared… And confused, I didn't want to admit it… Unconsciously I was trying to protect myself, because I knew how much it would hurt… The awareness… The awareness of my real feelings and the fact that… We can't… Be together."

They both heaved a weighted breath and looked down for an instant. Jasper took another step closer to Edward and held his forearm softly, inciting him to look back into his green eyes.

"It took me this long to realize I was fighting against myself, against what I really feel for you… And to answer my question…"

"What question?" Edward asked softly.

"If this is for real..." Jasper answered in a sad smile.

"What...?"

"I wasn't sure if I wasn't projecting… If I wanted to feel like you feel just to understand what you were going through, just to be in your shoes and accept the situation…"

"You found your answer…" Edward stated, clearly ambiguous.

He was not sure what would be the worst-case scenario…

"I did… I know now." Jasper replied as raising his hand to Edward's face and covering his cheek with his warm palm.

"So you…"

"You've always been the center of my world, even when I wasn't aware of that… But this…" He caressed Edward's skin softly with his thumb. "What I'm feeling right now… This is totally different… And it is very real."

Edward closed his eyes and started shaking his head as fresh tears trickled down his cheeks.

"Please, don't…" He begged in his tremulous voice. "If you feel the way I feel… It will make everything harder…"

"How would it..."

Edward held his brother's face between his hands carefully, interrupting what would have been a question.

"It has always been strenuous… To keep myself in check, to keep myself away from you…" He started to clarify, his eyes injected and so clear Jasper could see the guilt and despair swimming behind them. "To not give in to the million urges I feel when I'm around you…" He confessed. "The fact that you're my brother held me back but… The one thing that grounded me, that kept me sane and aware of our blood connection… Was you not even remotely feeling the way I did…"

"But I do…" Jasper countered in a broken whisper.

Edward narrowed the space between their faces, their noses almost touching.

"How will I suppress all these emotions if I know you want me?" The pain pouring from his gaze and words… "How will I hold myself back, Jade, if I know you are feeling the same urges as I am? I'm not that strong."

"Then don't hold back."

"Are you crazy?! I can't do that. _We_ can't do that. You said it yourself, we're brothers!" He spoke amid more tears. "This conversation alone could crush our parents… Now imagine how they would feel if they knew we just kissed…"

Both their eyes dropped momentarily to each other's lips, and they involuntarily wet them with the tips of their tongues.

Edward let go of Jasper's face and stepped back again, his hands raising to his short hair in a nervous gesture.

"I know it would destroy them." Jasper spoke softly, sadly. "I didn't think it through, actually, I just needed to be sure and… I acted on impulse, I didn't plan on getting here and… Kissing you… It just… I was just…"

"You have no idea how much I've wanted that to happen along this last seven years…" Edward thought out loud, unwittingly interrupting his brother.

Jasper widened his eyes in shock.

"I was able to restrain it, though, this crazy volition you incite in me…" He just continued, oblivious to his younger brother's astonishment. "Because I knew that if I surrendered to what I wanted _you_ would never forgive me." He brought his eyes back to Jasper's. "But now… Now you tell me you feel the same… And you kissed me, and I felt your want… I know you want me, I can see it in your eyes right now." His lips trembled softly as Jasper nodded, and he released another low sob. "Now whenever I look at you I'll remember it… The feeling of your lips against mine…" His voice trailed off as he said that, a little bit of shame taking him over. "This look you have in your eyes… And I'll want to kiss you again… And I'll know you want it too, so how will I stop myself from doing exactly that?"

Shaken by the hard reasoning in Edward's words and his recent discovery, Jasper didn't really know what to say. He bent his head so to take a minute to wrap his mind around so much information, and his eyes landed on his bracelet, that he'd been involuntarily fiddling with. It then dawned on him this whole new meaning the jewelry and the engraving in it had.

"You've been in love with me for seven years…?" His voice was just barely audible, he was still a bit lost in his astonishment.

He looked at his brother.

"This whole time… You've been feeling it, alone, in secret…" His facial expression was one of admiration.

"I had to protect our family and myself…" Edward justified simply. "Mainly… I had to protect you."

Releasing a huffed breath Jasper smiled a little.

"It all makes sense now…"

Noticing his brother was not following his line of thought, and moved my sudden despair, Edward shortened their distance once more and held Jasper's face before leveling their eyes.

"Jade, please, stop woolgathering and pay attention…" He begged, his tone urgent, almost impatient. "This is not a fairy tale, it's not a love story that will have a happy ending…" A lump formed in his throat as he assimilated that reality, but he swallowed it down and resumed. "This is a major disaster if we don't deal with this cautiously."

Jasper's whole face morphed… The slight amazement that had subtly colored it replaced by desolation.

He blinked forcefully a few times before holding his brother's hands and gently pulling them away from his jaw. He held on to them and Edward instinctively interlocked their fingers as he straightened up.

"I broke up with Jacob." Jasper stated simply.

That last piece of information hang in the air, in their ears, in their minds for a brief while, raising even more guilt and doubt within the brothers.

Although a bit fazed and at a lost of what exactly to do with that, Edward was taken by unrequested joy. He suppressed the smile that threatened to grace his lips but he was not as successful repressing the relief and contentment that filled him… He didn't even tried, actually.

Jasper didn't really know why he'd said that at that precise moment, since he was well aware it didn't change their predicament at all. He just allowed the words to flow directly from his brain to his lips and out spontaneously, as usual.

"I didn't do it because I thought that we…" He trailed off and then sighed as he saw Edward averting his eyes. "I just couldn't be with him anymore when I'm…" He cut himself off as his older brother looked back at him with a tormented look.

"You don't love him anymore?" Edward's voice came out all hesitant and cautious, and his face showed how much he feared the answer.

"I do, I still love him." Jasper was honest as always, even though he could see how much it pained his brother to hear that, it was clear in the way he slightly furrowed his brows. "But I'm not _in love_ with him anymore... I guess I haven't for a while…" He shrugged dejectedly and once again Edward averted his eyes.

"You should be with him." Edward stated weakly.

It didn't faze Jasper, though. He had been expecting that.

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, so to calm down the raging emotions running within him. Then he disentangled their fingers and rested his hands on his brother's neck gently. Once Edward looked at him and their eyes locked, his became serious and intense before he spoke.

"I know we can't be together the way _we both_ want, you don't have to tell me that." They both heaved a sigh. "And I have no idea of when exactly it all changed... But now I know it is real, it is true, and I need to say it all, just like you needed to a while ago…"

"I understand better now why you didn't want to hear…" Edward commented, his voice barely above a whisper.

"And I understand better why you needed me to…" Jasper replied in a saddened smile.

"It won't change anything…" Edward added, his voice shuddering as his eyes welled up yet again.

"I know." Jasper gave back in a slightly resigned tone, his tears trickling down his face. "But I need to say all the words.

Edward nodded and closed his eyes for a brief moment, effectively making the humidity overflow even through his closed eyelids. Then he opened his eyes and braced himself…

"I've loved just once my whole life… And it was nothing like this. I've never felt the level of completeness that I feel now, that I felt when I kissed you… And I know maybe it's this way because of our connection, because we've always been deeply linked… But I feel as if… I've found it… My place, the place I belong to, where my heart belongs…" Edward sobbed, unable to control his emotions anymore, and Jasper joined their foreheads. "These words are not enough to convey what I feel, Tonton, but… I love you, I'm in love with you, I can't find a better way to…"

Impetuously Edward held his face and silenced him with his lips.

For a couple of seconds their mouths remained just pressed against each other… But then Jasper tilted his head to the side and slightly parted his lips, just enough to capture Edward's lower one in between his.

They both released a warm long breath through their noses as slowly molding their lips against the other's and fitting their mouths together. Their hearts started to pound a tad stronger, the urgency within them increasing as the subtle tender touch of the kiss seemed to render progressively insufficient.

Nearing his breaking point, Jasper teased Edward's ajar lips with the tip of his tongue… They both hummed before instinctively opening their mouths…

"Edward?" Carlisle's voice came from behind the closed door.

As if stricken by an electric shock the brothers bolted apart, covering their mouths with their hands as their widened eyes connected in sheer panic.

"The door is locked." Jasper whispered in an unstable tone as he regained some composure.

He watched as his brother reached for his shirt over the mattress and put it on in a rush. Edward swallowed hard before taking a deep breath, his hands shaking.

"Just finishing getting dressed, Dad!" He spoke loud enough so his father could hear him.

"Have you seen your brother?"

They exchanged an alarmed look before Jasper shook his head hastily.

"N-no." He couldn't help stammering in fear.

Jasper widened his eyes then facepalmed.

"Sorry." Edward whispered to him.

"I'll call him." He heard Carlisle say. "Don't take too long, it's getting late."

"Okay, five more minutes."

And then he slumped on the mattress while releasing a puff of air. Jasper sat beside him.

"That was close…" He whispered to himself.

"We can't do this…" Edward murmured by his side his eyes downcast, his head bent. "We can't get carried away…"

"I know." Jasper mumbled.

They sighed and looked hesitantly at each other.

"If you get out with me Dad will…"

"I'll stay until you leave the apartment with them." He rushed to assure him before he finished. "Then I'll call him and tell him I went out for a walk."

"You won't have dinner with us?"

"I will. I'll take a cab."

Edward stood up and grabbed his keys over the dresser. He extended his hand to Jasper.

"Take my car."

When Jasper reached for the keys their fingers brushed… Their eyes met instantly and they shared a knowing look.

Both knew that even the smallest, the simplest of touches between them from now on would lead them to crave for more… And they couldn't allow that.

Jasper withdrew his hand slowly, it was clear he was doing that against his will. But there was nothing he could do to change reality...

Edward just sighed and blinked away the threatening tears welling up his eyes…

He had dreamed about having his feelings reciprocated for so long… He didn't know it would just add more pain to an already very hurtful situation…

Slowly Edward turned, went to the door and unlocked it. He stopped once it was open.

Jasper raised his eyes to him but said nothing, his heart getting smaller with the perspective of having to smother his emotions and pretend he felt nothing more than fraternal love for his brother.

He watched as Edward's back and shoulders expanded and then slumped with a heavy breath, just before he got out and closed the door behind him.

For no specific reason Jasper opened his hand and looked at the keys on his palm. He smiled sadly once he saw his brother's key-chain…

It was a small rounded jade.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

All memories of the evening filled Edward's mind as soon as his head hit the pillow...

Dinner with his family had been nice, and it indeed got better once Emmett showed up, but noticing his brother's sadness increasing throughout the night had definitely not been okay, and he could not brush away the guilt…

Guilt that worsened once the events prior to the dinner came back to him in graphically detailed flashes.

Edward tossed and turned until he gave up trying to sleep.

He sat on the mattress as he huffed. He got up and decided to drink some water and get some fresh air, so he walked as silently as possible down the hall, trying his best not to indulge in some very lively recollections of earlier.

A shadow caught his eyes once he passed by the living room and he halted his steps. Once he focused he saw his brother was standing on the balcony, his back to where Edward was.

Edward hesitated a little, wanting to go there but knowing it was not the best of ideas… Just the two of them, alone, in a secluded place of the apartment that late at night when their parents were sound asleep in the farthest room…

His heart started to race, but the pull Jasper exerted over him was even stronger than before and he was unable to repress it… He couldn't help himself.

With slow and calculated steps he directed himself to the balcony, his breath a bit shallow. He stopped just before the sill, watching his baby brother looking aimlessly ahead of him, to the sleeping city outside.

Oblivious to his brother's presence, Jasper jerked his head so to push away some hair strands from his face. Edward sighed and resumed walking.

"Hey… Can't sleep?" Edward asked in a low voice as he crossed the glass sliding doors.

Jasper turned with a surprised expression on his face then smiled a small tentative smile.

"I've been having these vivid nightmares for a while now…" He said as he turned his face forward. "Can't go back to sleep once they wake me up…"

"What are they about?"

Jasper release a sigh amid a humorless smile.

"Us."

Edward became silent feeling awkward and not knowing what to say.

"Why are _you_ up?" Jasper asked without looking at him.

Edward didn't want to bring up everything that had happened, it was still hurting him and he knew it would hurt Jasper, so he found the most plausible excuse.

"Worried…" He said while leaning on the wrought iron railing completely turned to his baby brother. "I need to tell Mom and Dad about me, and about my relationship with Emmett."

He scolded himself inwardly when he noticed Jasper gnawing at the corner of his lower lip.

 _So much for not hurting him..._

"You're afraid?" Jasper asked a moment later, still not looking at Edward, and sounding a bit incredulous.

Right then Edward suspected that he was not buying his "concern".

"A bit. Not sure how he'll react…" But he kept stretching the subject anyway...

"He didn't react badly when I came out…" Jasper shrugged, seemingly just going with the flow of the conversation. "Besides, differently from me, Mom and Dad have known him all this time… And from what I could see tonight they get along pretty well, they seem to like him…"

"They do, but they think he's just my best friend..."

With that Jasper pursed his lips slightly, clenched and unclenched his jaw, clearly upset.

Edward decided to quit the bullshit.

"Jade, I…" He tried.

But Jasper was faster.

"You're falling for him." Jasper affirmed as he turned to Edward, his face emotionless. "I could see it in the way you looked at him tonight… And he's clearly in love with you."

Not even worrying if their parents noticed that like his brother did, Edward just bent his head for a couple of seconds, saddened by the obvious fact that he was again hurting Jasper, before he looked apologetically at him.

"I'm sor…"

"Don't be." Jasper cut him off before he could complete the sentence. "It's not your fault." He turned away again. "It's nobody's fault."

"I don't wanna hurt you."

Jasper chuckled humorlessly.

"Out of your hands, dear brother." He replied acidly.

A heavy silence fell between them as Edward observed his younger brother's inexpressive features.

He remembered that in the past it used to be easy to know exactly what Jasper was feeling just by looking at him… But apparently his brother had developed a new defense mechanism, and now every time he was too upset or on edge he would close himself up completely in a blank shell.

For that Edward wasn't sure if Jasper was angry or deeply hurt at that moment, so he hesitated, uncertain about being honest.

He didn't want to hide the truth from him, though… After years concealing what he truly felt for him, it seemed graver not making him aware of the whole reality, especially after he opened up so sincerely.

In the end, Edward just didn't want to deceive him.

"I'm not falling for him…" He let out before he lost his nerve.

Jasper turned to him once more, slowly, but that was all the reaction Edward elicited. His eyes were still vacant and his face was still impassive.

For a split moment Edward vacillated, but he couldn't go back...

"I love him… For a while now…" He confessed in a cautious tone.

Jasper's eyebrows twitched, and his eyes glistened before he took a deep breath and bent his head.

"He's the first… Other than you." Edward added, his voice kinda choked. "And it's not the same, I guess it will never be, with anyone… But…"

"You wanna be with him." Jasper completed as he raised his head and eyes and looked at his brother with a sad smile on his lips. "I get it."

As Jasper looked away again, this time not even trying to hide his hurt as he brushed away some tears with the tips of his fingers, Edward found himself at a loss of what else to say.

He wanted desperately to hold him and soothe his pain, but he knew well where that would lead them, and he definitely didn't want to risk his control.

So he just stood there, feeling his heart getting smaller as he watched Jasper closing up again.

But then his face brightened out of the blue.

"Hey!" He gazed at the watch on his wrist. "It's almost three." He spoke in a sudden merry tone as he turned to look at Edward. "Stay here, don't move."

Edward got immediately puzzled but did as told and waited for his brother to come back, which didn't even take two minutes.

Jasper stopped right in front of him with bright eyes and smile, looking up at him with clear expectation tinting his gaze.

"Happy birthday." His voice lighthearted.

Edward dropped his eyes to his extended hands between them and smiled a warm happy smile as he took the squared black box his brother offered him. He opened it anxiously and his eyes widened a little as he spotted the thick neck chain inside. He took it in his hands and stared at the thick circular pendant, amazed with the intricate pattern carved on its face.

"It's a Celtic knot." Jasper said in a whisper, and Edward looked at him. "Just one thread is used to form the loops… They have no start or finish."

"Meaning it is continuous." Edward completed before Jasper could, and his eyes widened a little in surprise as his smile became broader. "It symbolizes eternity. I know."

They shared a look full of longing.

"Flip it." Jasper asked softly.

Unwillingly Edward broke their shared gaze and did what he asked.

"I don't know French, but Angela is almost as fluent as you so…" Jasper explained as Edward stared at the back of the pendant. "I asked her to translate what I wanted engraved…"

" _Pour toute l'éternité._ " Though Edward read calmly, his emotions were pouring in each word.

"For all eternity." Jasper echoed and Edward brought his eyes back to his brother's. "Forever." Jasper repeated in a whisper as his gaze bored into Edward.

The oldest put the little box in his pants pocket and took a step closer.

"I love it." Edward assured as closing the chain around his neck. "I'll never take it off."

"Angela also taught me something I wanted to say to you today…" Jasper added as he felt his heart bolting inside his chest. "But please don't laugh at my poor pronunciation."

"I won't." Edward spoke seriously.

And as Jasper's whole face blushed softly with a very attractive and warm shade of pink, Edward thought he was adorable.

" _Je suis amoureux de vous_." He swallowed hard before resuming. " _Je t'aime_."

Edward's whole body was filled with the flames of all his emotions at once, and unable to stop himself, he took Jasper's face in between his hands impetuously as before while taking a deep heavy breath.

" _Je t'aime plus que tu ne peux l'imaginer_ …" He said with intensity, the gray in his eyes burning with love and passion as Jasper suddenly forgot how to breathe and his legs felt weak. " _Je t'aimerai pour toujours_... _Tu es l'amour de ma vie_."

"What did you just say?" Dazzled, Jasper whispered groggily once Edward became silent.

But it was Edward's turn to leave him with no answer...

He leaned in slowly, never breaking their eye contact, and gently pressed their lips together for the briefest of moments.

He had to make a Herculean effort to back away… And then wait a second or two for Jasper to open his eyelids.

Edward stared deeply into his baby brother's eyes.

"The truth." He murmured the answer before pulling his hands away and stepping back.

Jasper looked at him still a bit rapt on high, and couldn't bring himself to react and move as he watched Edward leave the balcony without another word or glance back.

Involuntarily his hand raised to his mouth, his fingertips trailing his lips softly.

He had no idea of what Edward had said but he wouldn't have any problem finding out… His best friend knew the language and he would never forget those words...

They were still echoing in his head nonstop.


	16. Untameable

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"You'll be there in time, yeah?"

Edward asked in an anxious smile as he fiddled with the hem of Emmett's shirt.

The big guy looked at him with amusement written all over his face.

"Will do. Don't worry, I will be there, kissing you by midnight."

"Right in front of my parents…" Edward sounded a bit skeptic.

Emmett chuckled and held his hand.

"Maybe behind a tree or column…" They both laughed. "Seriously, not in front of your parents. They're freaked out enough."

"I've already told you they are fine…" Edward assured as taking a step closer and craning his neck a little to look right into the amber eyes. "Dad said you should come with me…"

"I know, blondie, but I really wanna spend Christmas with my sister." Emmett justified softly as his hands released Edward's and circled his waist. "Besides, I believe it's too soon, your father is just being kind, I don't wanna spoil his holiday."

"Emm." Edward tried.

"He needs more time, Edward." Emmett cut him off softly. "Your mom as well. It's been only a month they learnt their hetero son was actually bi, and was dating his best friend. They were truly shocked, give your parents a bit more time to get used to this…"

"Okay." Edward huffed. "You're probably right. I just… I didn't want to spend our first holiday as boyfriends away from you."

"We'll be together by New Year's Eve, and then, once we get to Lake George, we'll have four entire days for ourselves."

"Fine." Edward replied in a pout, which made the big guy laugh lightly. "But on my parents' wedding anniversary you will come with me, no excuses."

"If I'm off, sure." Emmett gave back in a mocking tone.

Edward playfully punched him on the arm. He took advantage of his boyfriend's movement and pulled him to his body.

"I'll miss you, Blondie." He murmured inches from Edward's face.

Edward sighed before answering.

"Me too, Biggie." He spoke in a soft tone, looking deeply into Emmett's eyes.

They exchanged a chaste kiss on the lips before parting.

"Have a safe flight." Edward said as he slowly walked away backwards.

"You too." Emmett replied just before turning to the boarding gate.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper walked distractedly along the main hall of the house toward the kitchen, his head bent while he was tying his hair on a high bun.

Edward, focused on the message he was writing to Emmett, was also absorbed and looking down at his phone.

They never saw each other coming on exact opposite directions… At least not until they were about to tumble over one another.

Instinctively, as Jasper raised his gaze, Edward splayed his right hand over his brother's left ribs and looked right into his startled eyes.

Mere two seconds went about… But as the brothers' stares locked and deepened into each other's, it seemed time had stretched out indefinitely.

Edward's fingers grazed Jasper's skin with a mind of their own, until his hand was holding his sibling's side…

The younger man released a heavy sigh… And that was all it took to break the spell.

"Didn't see you coming…" Edward mumbled, dazzled by his brother's fairness, while reluctantly letting go of his skin.

His eyes dropped unconsciously to Jasper's bare chest, and although it was obvious his baby brother had considerably lost some more weight, it didn't register in his mind… He only noticed that he was breathing a bit faster than normal.

"I thought you were arriving only tomorrow." Jasper said breathlessly, letting go of his tied hair.

Edward looked back at his face and lost his train of thought for a moment. Impulsive as ever, and very conscious of the immediate tension between them, Jasper just verbalized his thoughts.

"You can't look at me this way and expect I feel nothing." His voice steady. "You're not making this easy."

Closing his eyes softly while allowing a subtle smile to form on his lips, Edward sighed. Then he bent his head, took a step back as he put his phone in his pocket, and finally opened his eyes again.

"I'm sorry. It's not like I can help it." He looked sheepishly at Jasper again, and took longer than really necessary to conclude. "I missed you."

This time Jasper's sigh seemed a bit out of impatience.

"I did too." He too took a step back, and rested both his hands on his hips. "Weren't we _not_ supposed to do this?"

"What are we doing?" Edward asked nonchalantly, honestly wanting to care but not really caring at all.

Jasper sighed even more heavily.

"Never mind." He mumbled as shaking his head and turning away from his brother.

With his body tingling all over and his mind reeling, Jasper strode to the kitchen while taking deep calming breaths.

Edward closed his eyes once again, and as the impulsivity that had been taking over him faded away, he realized how inappropriately he behaved.

Guilt took his senses, and he bent his head in shame as he inwardly reprimanded himself.

It really was so much easier when he was away from Jasper and Emmett was around… The pull was still there, as he suspected would always be but, he was able to handle it, to pretend it didn't exist.

Having his younger brother near was way more than a temptation. The knowledge that his desires and feelings were reciprocated made his control weak and the pull impossibly stronger…

He knew he couldn't indulge in the smallest proximity, but his mind was definitely not as convincing as his heart.

Edward released a puff of air and squeezed his eyes for a moment, the so familiar pain rising inside and saddening him.

He was in love with Emmett, but it was nothing compared to what he felt for his own brother. He wished so deeply it was… He wished he could choose who he loved and so he would be able to change the way he felt for Jasper.

As he raised his eyes to the hall his brother went through, the need to make amends and at least sooth his brother hurt took him, 'cause he knew his attitude had for sure pained him.

He left his bag on the floor near the staircase and walked slowly to the kitchen.

With small steps and in complete silence he got in the dining area, spotting Jasper leaning against the kitchen island with his back to where Edward was coming from.

The older one could not identify what he was doing, but since his arms were moving and he could hear shuffling, he deduced his brother was busy preparing something.

This time it could not go unnoticed that Jasper's back was a bit more bony, the upper muscles not as toned as they used to be, and his hip bones a tad more protruding than before. But all Edward could really register was the fact that his sweatpants were hanging a little too low and it elicited sparks within his body.

He took a deep breath to dismiss the sensation and to prepare to speak. That was when his eyes focused on the shiny lock of wheat blond hair that was loose against his brother's long neck.

Immediately caught up in a trance, Edward moved almost like a cat, fast and quietly, twirling the strand around his index finger as his body got inches from Jasper's.

The younger man shivered strongly.

"You missed this strand." He spoke in a low, smooth tone.

Unable to control his impetus, Jasper turned swiftly.

It didn't startle him that Edward was standing just a little too close… At that point he was not really up to contemplate his actions, or words, for that matter.

He tilted his head up while unconsciously licking his lips and looked fiercely into his brother's widened eyes.

"I won't be held responsible for my actions if you don't stop provoking me." The words came out in a grave, slightly menacing voice. "I'm trying to keep my distance but you're making this very hard…"

"I was just…" Edward tried.

"Looking at me as if I'm something to eat, getting a little too close, touching me…?" Jasper enumerated as inching his face toward him. "You are just enticing me, and you're well aware of it."

Swallowing hard, Edward tried to move but couldn't.

"I-I…" He stammered as he searched his brain for a plausible reply. Once he realized it was no use, he would not be able to fool his baby brother, he just sighed before confessing. "I can't help it."

"You've already said that." Jasper whispered, his eyes darkening and boring into Edward.

Once more they sighed as sharing a gaze charged with desire. Edward clenched and unclenched his jaw.

"Oh, fuck it." He muttered before pulling Jasper's face to him in an impellent and swift move.

Their lips connected passionately but with a certain level of reservation still… Their mouths molded against each other and their lips wrapped around one another…

Yet, their tongues never touched.

"You're crazy…" Jasper mumbled, eyes half closed, his body leaned against Edward's, totally surrendered, as the oldest nibbled on his bottom lip. "Mom and Dad can arrive at any moment."

"You're not stopping me…"

Jasper rested his hands over Edward's chest and allowed him to assault his lips.

"Yeah, 'cause I don't want to." He answered a bit later than should have.

Edward slid his hands to his brother's nape and craned his neck to him a bit more.

"We will hear the car…" He said before tilting his head to the side and grazing his lips against Jasper's.

"I thought we were not letting ourselves get carried away."

"We weren't."

"So what are we…"

Edward held his face and joined their foreheads with his eyes closed.

"I've just… I missed you so much, Jade…" He pulled away a bit and looked at him.

"What about Emmett…?" Jasper asked bluntly.

"What about him?"

"Aren't you in love with him?" He sounded as if defying him, one of his eyebrows arched high questioningly. "The last time we spoke you told me you were happy."

"I am…" Edward was honest, even though he could see the immediate sadness written all over Jasper's face. "I love him and he makes me happy but… Still, he's not you." Jasper shook his head while looking away. Edward softly made him bring his eyes back by pulling his chin. "I've been trying to be the in the straight and narrow, I swear, but then... Then I get here and you're the first thing I see, and you're right in front of me all sexy and tempting…"

Jasper chuckled lowly and then sighed.

"What happened to 'we can't do this'?"

Edward sighed as well.

"We can't… But I told you… I'm not able to stop myself knowing you want it too." He paused and searched into his brother's eyes. "You can easily stop me… Just tell me you don't…"

Getting impossibly closer and wrapping his hands around his brother's neck, Jasper smiled devilishly.

"I do." He whispered in an alluring tone. "I want you."

He could see the flames being lit immediately behind Edward's irises… He knew he had pushed the right button.

On cue Edward leaned in briskly… But kissed Jasper slowly, tenderly. The blond stopped him, pulling away once again, and looked fiercely into his eyes.

"Please, Tonton…" His face was serious. "Stop with the teasing, I've had enough of chaste shallow kisses. If we're doing this..." Edward released the air in a puff. "Then kiss me for real."

He didn't have to ask twice as Edward leaned in slowly but determined, his hands fierce against Jasper's neck, pulling him with force and angling his head perfectly.

Both their hearts jolted in excitement and desire as their tongues at last touched and their kiss deepened for the very first time.

Frenzy took hold of the brothers as their hands tightened the grip each of them had on the other. They pulled their faces so close together, their exchange deepening so much, it was difficult to breathe.

The kiss became ravenous, and Edward, being the taller one, towered over Jasper while craning his neck to him.

Jasper's hands slid from his brother's neck and rested on his waist as he surrendered to the strongest sensation he had ever felt so far in his life…

He couldn't even describe it… It was so different from everything he knew it was taking his feet off the ground and his breath away…

He felt as if floating on air, having no control over himself as his emotions manipulated him and his senses and were leading him to the brink of an abyss.

He wanted Edward so incredibly much, as he had never wanted anybody else, that he was truly stunned in shock with his volition… It was intense to the point of agony…

Jasper was _aching_ for Edward.

Not thinking at all, his mind drowned in a heavy fog of desire, he started to push his brother's body forward.

Edward was so entranced he didn't even realized he was moving out of the kitchen.

They kept kissing hungrily as Jasper directed them to the nearest door… Which was their father's office…

They got in blindly, lost in themselves, engrossed in their connection and the feelings flowing between and through them.

As Edward's back touched the built-in bookshelves, their lips parted as they gasped for air.

"What are we doing?" He asked in a daze as gazing at Jasper.

"You started it…" Jasper mumbled as he reached for his brother's lips with his own. "And I can't stop now."

Edward sighed as the younger nibbled on his bottom lip.

"I don't wanna stop…" He whispered softly while closing his eyes.

"Then don't." Jasper gave back in a firmer tone before grabbing his neck and molding his mouth with Edward's in an impatient kiss.

Their tongues plunged and dipped into one another's mouths and, as they grew greedy, passion burning wildly within them, their hands and lips started to act more demanding.

Heart thundering in his chest, Edward gripped Jasper's upper arms and pushed him toward the two-place sofa before their father's desk, their lips never detaching…

It was only when Jasper felt the furniture on the back of his knee and stopped moving that Edward, unwillingly breaking the kiss, pulled himself a bit away and looked fiercely into his brother's darkened eyes.

He didn't think, he just followed his primal instinct and pushed Jasper against the cushions and then hovered over him.

They shared a meaningful look saturated with longing before their eyes traveled unhurriedly to each other's lips, where they focused.

"I want you so bad it's insane…" Edward muttered. "I almost don't care that we…"

Jasper pressed the tip of his fingers against his mouth before he could end that sentence and squeezed his eyes shut for a second while releasing a heavy breath.

"I don't want you, I _need_ you." His voice came out grave and tremulous just before he gazed at Edward. "I've never needed anybody like this… "

As Edward brought his stare to his eyes and saw that truth clear in them, he sighed, his heart beating so fast he was a bit dizzy.

Jasper held his neck with a firm but tender touch.

"I want to make you mine, Tonton." He whispered as his older brother leaned his face toward his.

Edward paused inches from his face and, seeming suddenly vulnerable, his eyebrows furrowed and his stare subtly downcast, he looked into his eyes with pure love pouring out of his.

"You still don't get it…?" His question was barely audible, and it clearly expressed the pain the fact caused in him. "I've always been yours, Jade." His eyes glistened.

And so their lips were connected, and the kiss deepened naturally as Edward's body slowly descended over Jasper's.

It didn't last long though… The sound of the front door opening made them abruptly halt their motions. They looked at each other with a mix of alarm and disappointment while heaving ragged breaths before pulling away and standing up.

"You're all blushed." Edward acknowledged as his eyes traveled down Jasper's torso and went back to his face.

Once more his eyes caught the alarming difference on his brother's body, and yet again his dazzled mind didn't register it.

"That's your fault." Jasper gave back in a crooked smile. "You look guilty." He added. "And your shirt is all cramped."

Edward sighed and bit his lower lip to refrain the smirk.

"Yeah, that's _your_ fault." He retorted lightly.

Then they heard steps fading up the stairs.

"My bag is on the floor…" He said pensively while turning his head towards the door. "By now Dad knows I'm already here."

"He went upstairs to look for us." Jasper completed the thought.

"We need to…"

"Yeah." Jasper cut him off softly and walked to the door quickly.

As he opened it and moved to leave the room right away Edward turned completely.

"Jade."

Jasper stopped and looked at his older brother over his shoulder.

"I mean it." He affirmed with his voice heavily saturated with sadness.

Jasper smiled despondently.

"Me too. Every word."

And then he was gone.

Edward bent his head while feeling as if his heart was shrinking…

For a moment there he simply threw away any sense of caution and his concern over his family well-being. For a moment there he let himself be just a young man in love with another young man that reciprocated his feelings… For a moment there he wished he was bold enough, strong enough, selfish enough to not worry over anybody else besides him and Jasper…

But he was not like that… At all. He did worry… He cared deeply… And his family was more important than even himself to him.

And that was why he felt so down… Because everything was right, was good, his life was on a nice place but still… Nothing he had was what he truly wanted… And he wasn't sure how much longer he could live in that pretense, avoiding reality.

He asked himself if there would be a moment when he would give up everything just to giving in to his true feelings… He felt that was very possible and he was well aware of the damage it would cause in the life of everyone involved.

Yes, he could see the storm taking form over his head, the clouds getting closer to one another, the sky darkening, the temperature dropping… He could feel his control wearing thin, his mind losing the battle to his heart…

And there was nothing he could do.

He was trying hard to be the dignified, honored man, the righteous son, the adequate brother he was supposed to be… But deep down he knew he was just fooling himself, forcing away something that was natural as breathing to him, something that was so ingrained in his soul that even when he died he would carry it in his heart…

His love for Jasper was immeasurable, his desire untameable, he was only able to barely control it because of the so many years he had spent educating his mind and restraining his impulses, watching closely his behavior. But now that he had the most dangerous knowledge of all, that Jasper felt the same, his heavy experience dealing with his emotions was not providing the necessary strength for him to go on, to keep up the charade.

Edward sighed and closed his eyes tightly, only then, as feeling the tears trickling down his cheek, realizing he was crying.

Silently a subtle sob bubbled up his throat. He brought his hand to his chest and gripped his shirt, his hand closing around the pendant of the chain that had never left his neck.

A buzz in his pocket made him jump a little, and he realized that he needed to collect himself. He fished the cell phone and felt a pang in his heart as he saw "Biggie" blinking on the screen. He took a deep breath before opening the message.

 _I arrived alright, don't worry, Blondie. I miss you already._

Suddenly he felt so terrible…

Emmett had given in to his tireless attempts at making their relationship official just because he finally trusted Edward's biggest lie… That he had overcome his feelings for Jasper due to his feelings for him… And there he was, just minutes later of completely disregarding what they had, what he insisted so much to get…

He had just cheated on his boyfriend with his brother.

The worst part was… He would do it all over again if he had the opportunity.

Even worse, his mind was actually already fabricating an excuse for him to go near his brother again… subconsciously he was orchestrating a way to justify his behavior even before acting…

Aware or not, he would create another opportunity later that same day…

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Eat more fish, darling, it's your favorite. I asked Illana to prepare it especially for you." Esme asked in a loving voice to Jasper.

The young man smiled tentatively before forcefully swallowing the food in his mouth.

"I will, Mamma." He replied after taking a deep breath, a weak attempt at holding back the nausea he felt.

"So, Emmett still thinks we don't accept him." Carlisle said in a low voice, pensively.

Edward, at the mention of his boyfriend's name, was ripped out of his _Jasper-induced_ musings and focused his attention at what was happening around him.

"What about Emm, Dad?" His voice came out hesitant as he looked cautiously at his father.

Carlisle and Esme were not completely accepting of the new and surprising situation presented to them by their oldest son on the night of his birthday (minutes before he had a very serious conversation with Emmett and asked him to be his boyfriend), neither had they had a terrible reaction to his disclosure. They had actually affirmed that, although it was an unexpected circumstance, it was Edward's life and choices, they could not interfere nor judge his decisions, but only try to support him like they did to Jasper.

Even so, and although Edward truly thought it would be no problem for Emmett to be amid his family, he could still feel a slight tension around the topic, and that was why he was still mindful when it was approached.

Carlisle looked at his elder son with caring.

"Why didn't he come? Didn't you tell him that he is welcome at your family's home?" His voice was stable, but Edward could hear the worry in it.

"He wanted to spend Christmas with his sister, Dad." He said smiling calmly, trying to reassure his father. "He will…"

"Excuse me." Jasper said in a broken voice as rising from his chair and quickly leaving the table.

Edward turned his head and attention to him immediately.

"Do you want me to…" Esme started to ask as preparing to follow him.

"I just need to lie down, Mom." Jasper reassured before disappearing down the hall without looking back.

Edward felt promptly bad and his heart seemed small instantly. He thought it was his fault his brother had felt uncomfortable and left.

But then his mother's next attitude confused him.

Esme looked at Carlisle with clear concern written on her face.

"I think it's time for us to act regardless of his will." She said in an anxious voice. "He seems to be getting worse."

As Carlisle nodded, his face mirroring his mother's, Edward turned to him and frowned.

"What's going on?" He practically inquired.

His father's long and deep sigh elicited a weird nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Didn't you notice how thin your brother is?" Carlisle asked softly, his eyes full of preoccupation. "He hasn't been well but he refuses to go to a doctor. He's stubbornly affirming it's just fatigue, but…"

Suddenly Carlisle was too far to be heard, his voice fading away as mental images of earlier came back to Edward…

How his brother's ribs were so easy to be felt under his fingers, how his collarbone was unusually standing out… How much more protruding than normal his shoulder blades and spine were… How his pants seemed too loose, hanging too low on his narrow hips. It all returned to him in flashes, and so he had finally registered what he didn't when he was too busy lusting after his only sibling...

He recollected his impression that Jasper seemed already too different the last time he saw him back at Hanover.

"He was already underweight on my birthday…" Edward thought out loud, worry and guilt rising within him. "How long has he been unwell?" He asked rushedly, his eyes darting between his father's and his mother's face.

"He seemed a bit upset when he came back from seeing you four months ago." It was Esme's troubled voice.

Edward deliberately controlled his reaction as not to let his parents notice that by then he was blaming himself completely…

They had no idea of what had transpired between the brothers, but he had no doubt that was the reason for Jasper to be troubled when he got back home…

"But it was only when he came back from the country house that it got evident he was ill." Carlisle added.

Edward furrowed his brows… He didn't know his brother had gone to their family's retreat back then. He had been completely in the dark about how hard Jasper had taken his revelation.

He had stupidly thought he was the only one suffering…

"We tried to have him go to a consultation several times, but he just dismissed our attempts…" Carlisle continued, oblivious to his son internal struggle.

 _How could I be so blind and selfish?_ He inwardly questioned.

He shook his head, out of a sudden completely taken by the myriad of emotions and starting to lose his rationality.

"Why didn't you tell me anything about this?" Edward's voice raised without his conscious consent, his love blending with his concern, bringing up his protective side toward Jasper. "How could you keep my brother's obvious illness from me?"

Both his parents were stunned by his uncommon outburst, but that was not the only reason they were readily quiet.

Edward took a deep breath as to center himself and in order to allow his logical medical persona to take over.

"Has he presented any specific symptoms?" He asked with a more stable tone.

"He hasn't eaten much…" Esme said despondently. "He's been too pale, his eyes are sunken, he doesn't fit his clothes anymore."

"He's constantly seemed nauseous and indisposed, but he always denies it whenever we ask." Carlisle counted. "He's been sleepy during the day, and apparently a bit weak…"

"That's because he's not slept well… I know because I have been keeping tabs on him."

"You should have told me." Edward said in a stern voice while rising from his seat. "I'm a doctor, remember? I could've at least assessed the situation better, and I would've probably convinced him to go to a doctor."

Esme and Carlisle shared a weird look before becoming silent again.

And since Edward's patience and tact were long gone, he didn't hold back.

"What?" He demanded in a harsh voice.

"We would have told you, dear… It actually was our first impulse." His mother assured. "But…"

"He forbade us to." Carlisle completed.

At that Edward fell silent, stunned by the harsh truth he had deep down known all along.

Jasper had been sparing him, protecting him by keeping his pain and everything he'd been enduring at bay…

Edward was certain that that was what his baby brother was doing because he knew Jasper as well as he knew himself, and trying to shield each other from any kind of trouble had always been their first attitude toward one another…

He felt even more guilty and sad… The whole thing was all his fault, he should have never exposed his feelings to his brother...

"Excuse me." He said as turning to the hall and leaving his parents without another word.


	17. Swooning

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

The house was completely quiet when Edward opened the door of his room and walked down the corridor. It was way past two in the morning but he couldn't fall asleep, he was too worried about Jasper and desperately needed to check on him.

He got into his room very quietly, tiptoeing his way to his brother's bed as to not wake him.

"You're naughty…" Jasper's light mocking tone reached Edward before he saw him turning on the bed to look at him.

And just like that Edward's heart was filled with warmth and he smiled.

"I can't believe you're sneaking into my room." Jasper added as Edward reached the side of the bed and crouched down.

"I just wanted to check on you." He sighed and got serious.

Jasper squinted a bit to see better in the dim lit room. When he noticed the subtle crease on his brother's forehead, right in between his eyebrows, he couldn't help but reach it with his fingers.

It lasted only a second though. He was fast to drop his hand to the mattress.

"You're worried." He whispered, more like a loud thought, but Edward was able to hear it.

He sighed again, feeling his skin tingling slightly from Jasper's touch.

"Why did you hide your struggle from me, Jade?" He asked softly, his sentiment clear in his eyes.

Jasper wet his lips with the tip of his tongue.

"Why do you think?" He replied in the same tone.

"You don't need to protect me." Edward said in a caring voice.

"I do." Jasper countered. "I had no idea, back when you told me how you felt, of how long you'd been protecting me and everybody else… But once I did, I understood that you had nobody to protect _you_." He paused and sighed before going on. "So that's what I need to do now."

An emotive silence fell between them as Edward started to really see the dimension of Jasper's love for him.

He held back the words that came easily and fast to the tip of his tongue… He didn't want to burden his brother even more.

"How do you feel?" Edward broke the silence carefully. "And please, don't lie to me."

"I'm fine, really." Jasper reassured in a small smile...

However, Edward knew well his natural demeanor. It was easy to catch the frailty of the gesture, but he didn't want to pressure him, so for the time being he didn't insist.

They shared one of their longing gazes…

"Can I ask you something?" It was just a whisper in Jasper's hesitant voice.

Edward nodded.

"Anything."

Jasper paused for a second.

"Lie down with me." It came out as an unsure question.

Edward felt his heart skipping a beat just to start pounding strongly against his rib-cage soon after.

He took a deep breath, contemplating for an instant the danger and the appeal of that request. In the end he obliged… He had never been able to deny Jasper anything.

"Move over." He asked softly as he stood up.

Jasper backed away a bit and Edward lay down facing him. They both sighed softly, but it was the older one that reached for the younger's face.

Edward's fingers grazed Jasper's forehead and cheek slowly before his hand rested over his jaw.

"You don't seem fine." He stated.

Jasper released a shaken breath.

"Do you remember the last time I had a panic attack? The night I slept in your room because of that crazy storm?"

Although noticing his brother was avoiding the subject not so subtly, again Edward let it pass and asked himself _How could I not?_

That had been the night he realized he was in love with his baby brother…

He only nodded though.

"I thought I remembered well that night, but actually I didn't…" Jasper proceeded, oblivious to his brother's immediate confusion. "It hadn't been clear to me what it meant, 'cause I was too young back then, I had no idea what that was… But… After you told me you were in love with me I started to dig into my memories… At first unwillingly, involuntarily… I actually fought against it…" Edward furrowed his brows, puzzled about what exactly his brother was trying to say. "But suddenly it all made so much sense…" Jasper chuckled lightly.

"I'm not following, Jade." Edward said honestly.

Jasper sighed again, seeming a bit afraid.

"I didn't know why, but it was after that night that I… That I started to suspect that I was gay."

Edward's eyes widened.

"What are you saying?" His voice broke in his unexpected alarm.

Jasper released a choked laugh, obviously nervous.

"After you came clean I started to rethink everything that had happened between us… I think I was trying to find out when you fell for me, if I had done something to provoke or encourage it…" He shrugged. "The fact is… I started to remember things I hadn't even been aware of at the time, and… I remembered that night… And how I felt when you embraced me…"

Edward's heart thundered inside his chest without any reasonable explanation… After all, he already knew Jasper loved him the same way he did him.

Unconsciously his hand slid to Jasper's neck and he moved just a couple of inches closer.

"How did you feel?" His voice was barely a whisper.

"Bare in mind I wasn't aware, at all, until recently…" Jasper warned softly in a sweet smile.

Edward was looking anxiously at him but didn't rush him, just nodded.

Jasper swallowed hard and pulled closer… Their faces were then only a few inches apart.

"There was this cold sensation in the pit of my stomach, and I felt it flipping." He answered naturally. "I remember that back then I confused it with fear, but now I know better… It was exactly as how I feel right now, so…" He shrugged once again.

"I want to kiss you so badly…" Edward thought out loud.

Jasper automatically bit his lower lip as his eyes fell to Edward's. The older one pulled away the hand he had on his brother's neck and backed away a little.

"I'm sorry." He said without meeting Jasper's eyes.

"Don't be." Jasper replied softly. "I want it too, you know… But earlier I could see in your eyes what it does to you… I know you feel guilty… So I promised myself that I won't do anything to encourage you… I don't want to push you or make you feel that way." He sighed.

"You don't need to do much for me to want to do something." Edward chuckled bitterly. "The simple fact that you're around already makes me want to…" He interrupted himself and swallowed hard while dropping his eyes to the space between them.

The silence was then heavy. Jasper reached his brother's face with his hand.

"I would give up everything…" He spoke in such a low voice that Edward wasn't sure he'd heard well. He gazed at Jasper with guarded eyes. "Even myself."

"What for?"

Edward's whisper hang in the air for brief seconds.

"For you." Jasper stated simply, his eyes glistening strongly even in the dark.

Edward's breath came out tremulous.

"I wish we were not brothers…" He let the thought slip out without his conscious consent.

Jasper smiled softly.

"Now it doesn't feel so bad to hear it." He played with the memory of the first time he heard that sentence.

Once again they were silent, their eyes intensely connected and sharing unspoken emotions.

Edward then couldn't resist and reached for Jasper's face once more. He traced his jaw line until his chin, and then gazed at his cheek bones, nose and lips. He sighed heavily as his stare went back to his brother's.

"You're so thin, Jade… Why aren't you eating?" Edward asked affectionately, true worry saturating his voice.

"I'm okay, Tonton, don't worry." He dismissed.

"No, you're not… By what Mom and Dad told me you haven't been well, why don't you talk to me…?" Edward tried, begging with his eyes. "I'm a doctor, remember? I can take care of you but only if you open up to me."

"I've been tired... And a bit sad, I admit, but that's all…"

"You're taking it lightly, I know you." Edward insisted. "Just tell me what you've been feeling…"

"It's nothing, I promise you." Jasper assured in a weak smile.

Edward took his face between his hands and got really close, his eyes so stern Jasper felt butterflies in his stomach.

"Please." He begged. "This all I have, it's all I can do, so please, let me take care of you, tell me."

Undeniably touched, Jasper released a wavering breath and dropped the act.

"I can't eat… Or sleep." His eyes welled up with tears, what elicited the exact reaction from Edward. "I feel nauseous... And I'm really tired all the time but my head has been constantly spinning so I can't rest… But I don't think it's something physical 'cause… This is what hurts the most." He pointed to his heart as he heaved a weight breath. "The thing is… I pretend I can bear it but… It's hurting so fucking much all I wanna do is disappear…" His voice cracked in the end. "So I guess this is some kind of depression…?" And right then the tears slid from his eyes and Edward pulled his face to his chest, shedding some tears himself.

Jasper let go of his restraints and cried freely on his brother's chest. Edward, also deeply affected, kept him in his arms and held back his sobs as much as he could, until his brother started to calm down.

As Jasper became silent Edward moved him carefully to look at his face. The younger man tilted his head back and met his gaze.

"How is it… With him…?" Jasper asked cautiously. "With Emmett. Do you really feel happy?"

"I don't think we should talk about this…" Edward replied gently.

"I want to… Please. I need to make sure you have the next best thing…" He insisted, his tone becoming slightly playful all of a sudden.

Edward chuckled softly, slightly amused by his brother's effort to lighten the mood, but then he turned serious again.

"I don't want you to hurt even more…" He justified.

Jasper's smile was clearly forced.

"What, is he so good in bed that I'll flip out in jealousy?"

The voice he was using would have seemed light and unconcerned, even a bit provocative, to anyone else… But it was Edward who was listening, so he knew Jasper was faking playfulness in order to get the information he apparently needed.

All Edward wanted was to soothe him, and if answering his questions was what it took, he would give it to him…

"I told you earlier…" Edward provided slowly, measuring each word. "I feel happy with him, but I wish I could be with you."

Jasper's face fell a little and he started to gnaw the inside of his cheek. Edward just waited… He knew there would be more.

"Do you think of me… When you're with him?" Jasper voiced, his tone, as his gaze, guarded.

"I try hard not to." Edward answered honestly. "It's not fair to him. Or to you. But sometimes I slip…"

They fell silent and just looked at each other for a moment.

"Is he good?" Jasper blurted out and Edward frowned, not really sure he'd gotten what he meant.

"He's a good boyfriend, yeah." He replied uncertain.

Jasper puffed, squeezed his eyes and moved in Edward's arms so he could level their eyes.

"I'm talking about Sex." He was blunt. "Is he good?"

Edward was stunned quiet for a moment, but his brother's inquiring expression made him spill the first thing that came up in his mind without a filter.

"I guess so, I don't really... know."

It was Jasper's turn to be speechless…

"I mean…" Edward started to say.

"What? You two haven't done it yet?" Jasper uttered over Edward's failed attempt to explain what he'd said.

"We've done a bunch of stuff but… No, we haven't had sex yet."

Again they were still, but their stares never wavered from one another.

"Why?" Jasper asked warily. "You've been together for more than a month."

"Four months if you consider the time we were not official."

Jasper flinched inwardly but held back his reaction.

"So... How come?"

Edward released a puff of air and broke their eye contact. Then, softly, he pulled his arm away from Jasper's body.

"I'm not ready…" Edward confessed reluctantly. "I thought I was... I was the one insisting on doing it at once but… Turns out when it came to it I kinda… Panicked."

"And Emmett's cool with it..."

"Actually yeah… He's never rushed me, he told me a hundred times that he's not in a hurry…"

Tenderly, with calculated movements, Jasper pulled closer to Edward, held his jaw with a soft touch and incited him to look in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" His tone showed he was not prying, just caring. "Do you feel uncomfortable with the idea of being with another man…?"

"No, it's nothing like that…" Edward rushed to clarify. "I'm okay with everything else, it's just the real deal that… I don't know, it's… Too new… And scary, I think."

"What's it exactly that your fear?"

"I'm not sure… I mean… Overall I don't have much experience with men, sure, but… There are things I still don't know how to deal with, and I think those things make me hold back."

"Like what?" Jasper urged.

Edward squinted.

"Are you really comfortable talking to me about this?"

Jasper smiled warily and shrugged.

"Why not? It feels normal, natural even. Besides... We may be in love with each other but we're still brothers, we're bound to share this kinda stuff." And then he chuckled.

The twisted joke let it clear to Edward that Jasper was trying hard to assuage the tension as to make him feel comfortable to speak.

"Look at you, all playful and nonchalant as mocking our predicament." He tried to get in the mood as to indulge his brother's curiosity.

"Seriously, what scares you?" Jasper insisted softly.

Edward sighed again.

"Giving myself this way… Giving up any kinda control, I mean… I have to surrender my body to someone… It's the complete opposite of what I've always did." He admitted. "I don't know, it kinda makes me hesitant somehow."

Jasper released a choked laugh and nodded to himself.

"So Emmett is a top." He concluded with arched brows.

"Yeah… "

"And you're scared to bottom."

"I guess so…?" Edward confirmed with slight hesitation. "Can I ask…"

"I'm a top." Jasper readily provided. "But this was not really a choice, it was circumstantial… I've never really tried to bottom because Jacob had never wanted to top… And since he's been the only one I've ever been with, that's the only experience I've ever had."

Edward couldn't hold back the involuntary smile that formed in his lips.

"So, in a way… You're still a virgin." He said in a slightly interrogative tone.

They both chuckled.

"In a way, yeah." Jasper replied with a small smile, blushing subtly. "Just like you… What?" He asked as his brother's smile didn't fade and, instead, broadened a bit.

"What what?" Edward gave back confused.

He hadn't noticed he was sporting a silly grin.

"Why are you ginning?"

"Am I?"

"You are."

Once again he broke their stares' connection.

"Guess I'm a little glad…" He assumed in a whisper.

"Why's that?"

He brought his eyes back to Jasper's and smiled hesitantly.

"At some point I've kinda… Fantasized… That _I_ would be your first."

Jasper licked his lips unconsciously, beckoning Edward's stare to his mouth.

"Not very long ago I've had this fantasy myself…" Jasper admitted, his voice low and alluring.

Edward looked into his eyes and felt the pull stronger than ever… His heart quickened the beats and his breathing became shallow.

Suddenly they were both lost to the world outside their bubble, their gazes so intensely locked they could see themselves in one another's irises…

They sighed in sync… Their bodies pulled closer simultaneously… They were drawn to each other almost involuntarily, as opposites poles of magnets…

And then the space between them was so narrow that they were breathing each other's breaths… They were only a couple of inches apart.

"We can't do this…" Edward had a snippet of sanity, but it was fading really fast, his frail control slipping away from him.

Jasper didn't utter a word, he just stood very still, trying to keep his promise… On the inside he was begging to the forces of the universe for Edward to give in.

"There's nothing I want more than to have you…" Edward whispered passionately, forcefully maintaining his hands to himself. "But I can't, it's not right…"

Jasper nodded so subtly that Edward almost missed it.

The tension grew wild, and both brothers could feel the electricity flowing through them, saturating the air around them, urging their bodies to pull closer, pumping their blood faster within their veins and accelerating their hearts… Their breathing became rapid and shallow, and as their pupils dilated impossibly much as a reaction to the intense desire, Edward's premise started to dissolve.

"Jade…" It sounded like a plea in his quavering voice. "If we do this there will be no turning back…"

Jasper closed his eyes for a brief moment. When he opened them again Edward could see the despair behind the control, the pain hidden in the neutral facade, and that made him confused but also impossibly weak…

He was certain that whatever Jasper asked of him at that precise moment, he would do, no questions asked.

"If I asked you to run away with me…" As if on cue, Jasper asked in a hesitant whisper. "If I told you I would give myself completely to you and asked you to give up everything… To be with me…" He released a trembled heavy breath. "Would you…?"

Edward felt his heart clenching inside his chest and took a deep breath… He struggled to hold off, to be conscious, so he hesitated for a fleeting second, but the truth was that he could already hear the _yes_ in his head even before he voiced the reply...

What he didn't know was that, unfortunately, because of those precious seconds he paused, he'd lose the chance to say it.

Jasper squeezed his eyes shut as if stricken by a sudden acute pain. He was moving out of the bed and rushing to the bathroom before Edward could even open his mouth to speak.

Alarmed, Edward followed him briskly, finding him kneeling on the tiled floor, bent over the toilet while violently throwing up.

Edward's heart was immediately heavy in his chest and his stomach sank. He knelt by his brother's side and rushed to hold back his hair as he dry-heaved.

And it was then the content of the vomit became visible, and Edward could see the crimson red glistening inside the porcelain toilet.

"Jade…" He uttered in sheer dread, his mind working a thousand miles an hour.

Jasper sat on his heels and turned his face to his brother, fear written all over his features.

As his face came into focus, Edward's eyes widened and he couldn't find his voice… He had the sensation that all his blood had rushed to his feet.

A thick stripe of blood was running slowly from Jasper's nose to his purplish lips, making his extremely pale face look cadaverous.

As Jasper felt it and involuntarily looked down, a scarlet drop trickled down to his gray sweatpants. He touched it with the tip of his index finger and brought it closer before looking at Edward with frightened eyes.

"What's happening to me?" His voice cracking.

Edward tried hard to remain calm, but his eyes could not hide the terror that shook him to his core.

He gazed seriously at his brother's scared face and felt the air leaving him completely…

He swallowed slowly and took a deep breath.

"I need to take you to the hospital." He spoke in a grave urgent voice, standing up as Jasper nodded slowly.

He hooked his hands below his brother's armpits and raised him effortlessly, placing Jasper's arms around his neck.

"Can you walk? I can carry you if you can't." Edward said softly to him.

"I think I…" Jasper uttered, his voice fading. "I don't feel…"

And suddenly his knees buckled and he collapsed in Edward's arms.


	18. Rendition

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

AML.

Just three little letters, that his trained eyes had caught a glimpse of as the family's doctor flipped through the medical report pages, were able to make Edward's mind enter in panic mode as his heart sunk deep in despair…

He held himself together, though, for his parents' sake, but he could already foresee the hopelessness and dread that would take his family as soon as they learnt what he already knew.

Doctor Grinspoon sighed discreetly and took off his glasses before setting the papers on his table. His well-furnished and relatively cozy office suddenly became slightly uncomfortable at the eyes of the family he'd been taking care of for years.

"Unfortunately, my first suspicion was proved right. Jasper has Leukemia." He said in a grave voice as looking at Carlisle with subtly compassionate eyes.

Edward stood up from his chair and crouched down in front of his mother as she immediately started to sob. Carlisle took her hand in his and looked gratefully at his older son.

Edward turned his eyes to the doctor.

"Acute Myeloid, right?" He blurted out the question, holding back the tears that were threatening to blur his sight.

"Yes." Doctor Grinspoon replied concisely, aware of his medical knowledge.

"What does it mean?" Carlisle asked cautiously to the doctor.

"It means we must act fast. It is an aggressive type of leukemia." The doctor provided readily. "I will immediately put you in contact with the best oncologist I know, Doctor Carlos Hermez, and he works with an excellent hematologist, doctor Miranda Lars, so the boy will be in good hands." He responded in his serious tone, showing confidence.

"When can he go home?" It was Edward's trembling voice. "Or will he have to undergo another week of observation?

"Well, since he's stable, we've already done the necessary initial tests and he didn't present any worsening in the last seventy two hours, I believe I can discharge him at the end of today, so he'll be able to spend Christmas Eve at home with his family."

Edward bowed his head momentarily in gratitude and stood up.

"Doctor Grinspoon, I know only the oncologist will be able to give us more details…" The doctor nodded slowly. "But can you give me an overview of the blood cells counting?"

"Of course, Edward. There's a considerable shortage of red blood cells…"

"So he's anemic…" Edward concluded fast, his brain working his medical knowledge.

"Yes." The doctor confirmed. "There's also an alteration in his bone marrow… But I advise you to wait for the oncologist's assessment, he's the specialist."

Edward sighed heavily and bent his head. The physician looked at the family again with compassionate eyes.

"I know it is a very worrisome circumstance, but have in mind Jasper is a young man. As long as he gets the proper treatment as soon as possible his chances will be good. Now, later today, before I discharge him, I will be giving him his diagnosis, it is procedure since he is a legal adult." Carlisle and Edward nodded. "It is hard news, so he must have all his family with him, if possible."

Carlisle stood up after heaving a ragged breath and extended his hand to the medic.

"We will be there. Thank you, Theodore. For everything." He spoke a little solemnly while they shared a look.

Edward noticed the exchange but didn't think much of it. Doctor Grinspoon had taken care of his family since before he was born, so his father indeed had a close relationship with him.

"I'll call Carlos and Miranda right away and they will contact you."

Carlisle nodded and took the hand of a very fragile Esme as they headed to the door. Edward thanked the doctor again and followed his parents, his heart so heavy in his chest he couldn't breathe properly.

Once they were out of the physician's office Carlisle turned to Edward as circling Esme's trembling shoulders with his arm.

"There are some errands I need to run so to get free for the next week. Can you stay here with your mother?" He asked in a serene tone.

"I wasn't intending on leaving, Dad. Not without Jasper." Edward replied almost sternly. "But Mom should go home." He spoke looking at her. "You look really tired."

"I am not." She countered in a weak voice as drying some tears.

"Edward is right, love." Carlisle agreed. "You haven't been sleeping enough."

"That's because you both forbade me to spend the night with my son the whole week."

"Because it would have been too tiring for you, Mom." Edward justified. "And it's not like I would have left his side."

"I'll take you home, you sleep for some hours, and then we'll be back here." Carlisle insisted softly. "Besides, Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and I think, for Jasper's sake, we should keep things as normal as possible, so there's a lot of preparation to do."

Esme nodded subtly.

"Okay, I'll go. But if something happens and he has to stay another night, I'll sleep here." She stated firmly. "Now get back down there." She said to Edward. "I don't want him to wake up and find himself alone."

Edward nodded before giving her a lingering kiss on her forehead.

The three parted ways, and Edward rushed to the second floor of the hospital, where Jasper was.

He found his baby brother just the way he'd left him, peacefully sleeping, although the image of him on a hospital bed, connected to tubes and wires and looking very pale, small and fragile was absolutely disturbing. He sat on the chair beside Jasper and sighed heavily, extreme concern being the most consistent emotion within him.

Minutes passed as he just sat there, his eyes never even darting away, his mind conjuring his brother's smile and lively personality as he traced his features with his gaze.

"Tonton…" It was just a sleepy murmur, but alert, Edward heard it loud and clear.

Carefully he took his brother's hand in his after standing up.

"I'm here." He assured in a low voice.

It took a little more than one minute for Jasper to really open his eyes and look at his older brother that was anxiously staring at him.

Hooded green eyes met expectant gray ones. They both sighed in relief.

"Hey." Jasper uttered weakly in a smile.

Edward's smile in return was soft and caring.

"Hi." He replied before sitting on the bed. "How do you feel?"

"Exhausted." Jasper admitted. "Is it normal to be so tired when all I have done the past seven days was sleep?"

"Yes." Edward confirmed kindly. "Too much rest, as excess of activities, fatigues the body. Besides… You're ill… So you have less energy."

And with that Jasper's face fell and his gaze became worried. Edward knew what was coming next even if he hadn't sighed so heavily before opening his mouth tentatively to speak.

"So… Any news…?" He was obviously afraid. "Have I been diagnosed?"

Edward considered holding back the truth, but he thought it wasn't fair to Jasper. He was aware that he should not disclose what he knew without their parents' presence, or the doctor to answer his first questions… But his brother was clearly anxious, and that would not be good for his condition.

"Doctor Grinspoon has the results." He decided to be honest without revealing everything. "He'll be here at the end of the day to talk to you, and Mom and Dad will be here as well."

"It's serious… Isn't it?" Jasper concluded as his eyes glistened, reading his brother's countenance easily. "Is it cancer?"

Edward held his hand a tad firmer, trying to comfort him.

"Let's wait for the doctor to tell us, okay?" He asked softly.

"No, Edward, please." Jasper insisted, his voice faltering as his breathing became erratic. "Just tell me what I have."

"Shhh." Edward shushed him quickly as holding his brother's face with his free hand and leaning in until their foreheads were touching. "Don't get anxious, it won't help." He pulled away just a few inches so he could look into his eyes. "You'll know soon enough, just focus on getting better so you can get home today, okay?"

Jasper nodded despondently and sighed, and then Edward, too focused on soothing him, involuntarily left a brief kiss on his lips.

As he pulled away they looked at each other with surprise written all over their faces. Jasper licked his lips unconsciously and blinked more times than really necessary.

They spoke at the same time.

"What was that?"

"I'm sorry."

They both released a puff of air as breaking their eye contact.

Then Jasper broke the strained silence.

"You don't need to be sorry."

Edward looked at him shyly.

"I shouldn't have done it…" He uttered in a disapproving tone.

"Why did you?" Jasper asked as bringing his eyes back to Edward's.

He heaved a breath and looked away once again.

"I wasn't thinking…"

"It was involuntary, then…" Jasper deduced.

Edward just nodded.

"Hey, look at me." Jasper asked while resting his hand on Edward's shoulder.

He did as told.

"It was nothing, it was just a peck, don't torture yourself for it." He tried to reassure him.

"It's never _nothing_ between us, Jade." Edward countered. "We can't keep letting these little things happen. _I_ can't let them happen."

Jasper squinted and jutted out his chin before crossing his arms over his chest.

"You know what? Yes, you can, I give you my permission." He spoke in a stern tone that made Edward's eyes subtly widen in surprise. "We can't keep avoiding what we feel or be sorry for it, it's not our fault we fell for each other, we didn't provoke this!"

"Jade…"

Jasper showed his left palm to Edward and shook his head.

"No, don't say it, okay?" He cut Edward off impatiently. "I'm already thoroughly acquainted with your speech. It's bullshit."

"You're being unreasonable." Edward muttered as he stood up.

But he didn't go far since Jasper held his wrist a little too forcefully considering he was seriously ill.

Edward turned his head and glared at him. They shared an angry look… And that was all it took for the flames within both of them to be lit.

Jasper reached for Edward's face as he briskly leaned in with his hand reaching for his brother's neck.

The kiss started eager, intense, their tongues wrestling as their lips molded against each other in full hunger.

Edward's hands gripped Jasper's neck and pulled him until there was no space between their faces… The heart monitor gave away Jasper's excitement as it started to beep faster and louder… However, they were so engrossed in their exchange that they didn't acknowledge the annoying sound.

Oddly, the click coming from the door, which was way lower, ripped them out of their daze and made them unwillingly part swiftly, fortunately in time not to get caught.

The nurse came in hurriedly straight to Jasper, her fierce eyes at the heart monitor.

"How do you feel?" She practically inquired as wrapping the blood pressure cuff around his left upper arm and readily pressing the stethoscope's bell over the inner side of his elbow.

"F-fine." Jasper stammered as his eyes darted from the bulky woman to his brother while his cheeks blushed intensely.

Edward couldn't help his snicker. He was actually pretty nervous himself, his face feeling really warm, so he knew he was blushing as well.

"Your blood pressure is normal, only the heart seems a bit erratic…" She looked at Edward with suspicious eyes and then looked at Jasper. "Are you feeling anxious?"

"A bit." He confirmed.

"The doctor is coming later today to discharge him, that's why." Edward added quickly.

The nurse nodded, squinting a little.

"Try to rest, dear. It is not good for your condition if you get uneasy."

Jasper nodded, and Edward mimicked him. Soon they were alone again.

They looked at each other with guarded eyes.

"Come back here." Jasper asked him in a soft voice with a pleading gaze.

And as always, Edward obliged, unable to deny him. He went back to his baby brother feeling the pull the younger man exerted on him getting stronger by each step. Once Jasper was within arm's reach, Edward stopped and sighed.

"What is it about you that makes me lose any kinda control I have over myself…?" He asked in a tormented tone, much more to himself than to his brother.

"Just don't fight it… Please." Jasper said as raising his hand to touch Edward's face.

Giving in, Edward leaned his face on his brother's palm. Jasper held his jaw and, finding no resistance, brought him closer.

"Kiss me." He asked in a whisper, but in Edward's mind it worked like a command.

So he surrendered to their urge and, after wrapping his hands gently around Jasper's neck and moving even closer, he tenderly molded their lips together.

Bittersweet, their feelings permeated their touch and incited the soft, yet lingering encounter of their tongues. Naturally, slowly, the kiss got deeper and more serious as their hearts found a strong steady rhythm that conducted their exchange… Gently they nibbled on each other's lips, dipped and swirled their tongues in each other's mouths and sighed in sync every time their lips parted slightly, just to meet softly again, and again, and again…

"I love you." Jasper murmured in between kisses, opening his eyes and looking at his brother's closed ones.

Edward pulled his face a tad away and looked at him with an expectant gaze.

"I love you." Jasper repeated earnestly, his face serious, his stare fierce into Edward's.

In a trembling breath, Edward released the air he hadn't even noticed he was holding, his heart skipping a beat and his stomach getting suddenly flooded with butterflies.

It didn't matter that he already knew that, or that he had heard Jasper saying those words before… It still shook his core and made him feel as if the ground had disappeared from under his feet.

He joined their foreheads.

"I love you." He replied with intensity.

And right at that moment, sharing this emotive look, having Jasper's diagnosis in the forefront of his mind, his body so close, his reciprocal emotions confirmed, Edward's feelings seemed to expand, and then everything else seemed so small and meaningless…

He felt his chest warm up, as if there was a ray of light emerging from it, making his heart glow and swell until there was no room for anything else besides the immeasurable love he had for the man before him.

Edward held Jasper in his arms with all he had… And his brother held him back the same way.

In the silence of their gesture they conveyed their innermost truth, and both their hearts were suddenly sure and appeased.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"And how's he, how did he face the news?" Emmett asked from the other end.

Edward closed his eyes and sighed, stretching his body a little before sitting on the mattress and moving the cell phone to his right ear. Remembering the patent despair he'd read in Jasper's eyes right after he heard his diagnosis brought a weird sensation of compression to his chest.

"Somehow he knew he had something serious, and he seemed somewhat prepared, but.. He was obviously shocked once the Doctor spoke." Edward explained while lying down. "He still didn't have any reaction, he just seems off, you know? Since we arrived home he's been in his room."

"Sleeping?"

"Not actually." Edward replied with clear concern tinting his voice. "I checked on him several times and… He's just there, quiet, staring ahead with this empty gaze…"

"He's still in shock."

"Yeah, I know. But it just makes me uneasy…" He sighed heavily. "He should've reacted by now, he's just bottling everything up, I'm afraid of how he'll behave once he can't hold in his emotions anymore."

Edward heard Emmett sighing.

"You're afraid he'll do something stupid?"

"I don't know, I'm just worried. Jasper has this spontaneous nature, impulsive even, he's never really had a filter, it's always been like, something happens to him he reacts right away…" Some very recent memories filled his mind as he said that, as if to prove his point. "Seeing him that inert scares me."

"Just give him more time, Blondie. He got some rough news, he's still digesting them." Emmett reasoned in a compassionate tone.

"I just wish he would let me in, but he asked us all to leave him alone." It was clear in Edward's voice how it troubled him. "I wanna do something but I don't want him to feel crowded or pressured."

"So just wait until he goes to you." Emmett advised carringly. "You know he'll need you."

Edward felt his heart clenching inside his chest in anguish.

"I know he _needs_ me… Now." Edward said despondently.

On the other end Emmett sighed.

"Which brings me to my question…" He said in a low voice, as if talking to himself, and that alerted Edward. "Don't you think we should reconsider my going there?" Emmett asked in a caring tone. "I think this is a family moment, right now your brother needs you and your parents to be a hundred percent focused on him, to be there fully, my presence will kinda hamper that."

Edward closed his eyes feeling strangely guilty, he wasn't sure why.

"I confess I haven't even stopped to think of anything else… Least of all your coming here on New Years Eve, I'm sorry, Emm."

"I understand, Blondie." Emmett replied in a light tone. "I didn't expect you to with so much going on. No need to be sorry."

"I am anyway, truly sorry… But yeah, I think it's not the best moment for you to be here. I won't be able to give you much attention, and I don't want you to feel left out."

"I know. Don't worry, it's okay."

They were silent for a brief while.

"I'm really scared, Emm." Edward confessed in a whisper. "And I can let it show, I have to be strong for him and my mom… I can't let my dad handle it all alone, but I don't know if I…"

"You do have enough strength." Emmett affirmed emphatically, deducing what he was doubting. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Edward…" He reassured him with a confident tone. "You got this."

"Thanks, Emm." He replied in a smile, even though his boyfriend could not really see it.

"It's late, you need to rest. Go to sleep, we'll talk again tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Edward heaved a deep breath.

"I'm here for you, no matter what." Emmett assured him.

And again Edward felt this pinch of guilt inside his heart.

"I know." It was all he was able to say.

"Good night, Blondie."

"Night, Biggie."

As soon as the call was disconnected Edward tossed his phone aside and closed his eyes, the whirlwind of the emotions he was experiencing and the weight of the difficult day he'd had catching up with him and making him fall fast asleep.

More than a couple of hours had passed, but it seemed like only a few seconds later when his eyes opened up promptly in response to the warm touch on his shoulder.

"Edward."

It was Jasper's voice in a barely there whisper.

He turned on the bed.

"Jade?" He scanned his brother's face in a second as he readily sat on the mattress, easily reading the sadness in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

The younger man's face fell a little more, if that was even possible.

"Yeah, I am, I just…" Jasper started to say as he sat before his brother, his voice weak. "I can't sleep." He hesitated briefly as Edward moved closer to him. "Can I lie down with you?"

Edward didn't even blink before scooting over to the left side of the bed.

Jasper lay down facing him and he did the same in silence.

"Please hold me." The younger man asked in a quivering voice as his deep green eyes glistened.

Edward just encircled him with his arms, not missing a beat. At that moment all he wanted to do was sooth the dread and pain he knew his brother was feeling.

Jasper nestled his head into Edward's chest and sighed really heavily.

"I'm scared." He uttered in such a soft tone that Edward almost missed it.

He squeezed his eyes shut as feeling them well up with tears, the weird compression strangling his heart again.

"I know." He said in a choked voice as tightening the embrace. "I am too."

"I don't wanna die." Jasper whisper-sobbed, his first tears quickly soaking his brother's cotton shirt.

With that Edward's tears overflowed and he bit his lower lip not to sob as well… He reminded himself that he needed to be strong for Jasper, he couldn't break down.

He swallowed hard, opened his eyes and fixed his stare on the ceiling.

"You won't." He stated, forcing his voice out in a determined tone while pulling Jasper even closer to his body. "You'll be treated and you'll get better."

Jasper just broke into more sobs, finally reacting to the terrible news of his illness. Edward waited patiently for him to put it all out, his lips and nose nuzzling the top of his head while he rocked their bodies together very subtly, until his baby brother was not shaking or crying anymore.

Long minutes went by as they remained in silence, huddled together. Then suddenly Edward was extremely aware of how close their bodies were… Of his right leg wrapped around Jasper's… Of how clearly he could feel his brother's skin under his hands and his breath infiltrating through the thin fabric of his shirt and warming up his chest…

Right on cue Jasper tilted his head back and looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Kiss me." He requested in a trembling murmur.

Fluidly Edward pulled him up a little, leveling their faces, held his jaw gently and, looking deeply into his eyes, as to show him he was fully present, he nibbled his lower lip slowly.

Jasper sighed softly and held his gaze with his own as Edward sucked on the tender flesh… And then he closed his eyes in sync with his older brother as he traced the space between his ajar mouth with the tip of his tongue.

Their hearts accelerated… Their breaths became erratic… Edward fit their lips together and probed the depths of Jasper's mouth with his tongue, its motion slow but steady, inciting the younger man's eagerness to rise.

Jasper's mouth and tongue became a tad more demanding, moving with just a little extra hunger as he brought his hand to Edward's forearm and held firmly onto it.

In consequence his older brother's hand slid further from his jaw until his nape, his fingers entangling with Jasper's hair strands before he closed his hand around them and pulled softly.

They swirled their tongues together in a torturously slow pace, the kiss getting even deeper and more serious as both of them widened their lips apart to grant each other more access.

Edward's hand, with a mind of its own, released Jasper's hair and roamed along his back until it reached the hem of his shirt… It sneaked unhurriedly under the piece of clothing and caressed the smooth skin below it.

Jasper shivered as goosebumps broke through the whole length of his body. He moaned very softly into Edward's mouth as his hips jerked forward without his conscious consent.

Their pelvis met slightly with the motion… And the feeling of each other's hardening members was enough to set them both on fire.

Urgently Jasper bit Edward's lower lip and pulled it intensely into his mouth… Edward's hand was on Jasper's hipbone in a blink, his grip firm.

For a fleeting second the younger man feared his brother would push him away, but against his expectation, Edward pulled his lower body even closer and thrust against him.

This time Jasper couldn't control the visceral moaning that ripped through his throat, effectively breaking their kiss. Releasing a low groan, Edward moved his lips to Jasper's neck and slowly covered it with open-mouth kisses.

Jasper pushed his hips into Edward's again, slowly, deliberately…

"I want you…" It was Edward's low moan while he assaulted his brother's neck and responded to his thrust in kind.

Jasper brought his hand to Edward's neck and held it in a tight grip... The older man sucked softly on his brother's pulse point as their bodies rocked against one another.

Ragged breaths and subtle moans filled the air around them… Their hearts started to pump their heated blood in a rush, spreading flames all over their insides and making them yearn for more…

Swiftly Edward went back to Jasper's mouth and kissed him almost violently, his desire overruling his consciousness, getting the best of him and commanding his next moves. Drowned in the same potent volition, Jasper responded in kind, his mouth and body long surrendered to his brother's will.

Out of a sudden Edward pulled away… But as Jasper opened his eyes in surprise, ready to plead with him not to stop, he released a relieved sigh when he saw his brother impatiently taking off his shirt and throwing it over his shoulder before quickly moving back to him. Jasper raised his upper body toward him.

Their mouths clashed midway… Edward's hands went straight to Jasper's shirt, practically yanking it out of him and breaking their kiss in the process.

And so, they were shirtless before each other… And although Edward's eyes looked bigger, his skin was all blushed and his chest was heaving, indicating he was beyond aroused, as Jasper slowly ran his hands along his brother's upper body he could see the hesitance, that seemed to take him abruptly, threatening to hold him back.

Not wanting him to have time to think about what they were doing, and consequently stop, Jasper quickly wrapped his hands around Edward's neck, pulled him until he was hovering over his body and kissed him fiercely.

Edward responded as eagerly as before, but soon his hands were gently holding Jasper's head in place as he broke the kiss carefully and joined their foreheads.

"Jade… I want to… I-I…" He stammered with his eyes closed. "but we have to stop, I…"

"It's okay… I want it." Jasper assured hurriedly.

"Jade, don't do this to me…" Edward replied while opening his eyes and looking at him with a pleading gaze.

"Please… Don't stop…"

"I don't wanna stop…"

"So don't." Jasper urged.

"But Jade…"

Jasper held Edward's face firmly.

"Edward, just for a moment, forget who we are, forget our last names and blood connection… And let this happen. You love me, and I love you, and most importantly we don't know how long I have…" His voice cracked and both brothers felt tears come to his eyes. " And yes, to the world this is utterly wrong, but to me it feels so right that, honestly, I don't care, not anymore…"

"I don't either." Edward assured in an urgent tone. "Didn't you get it? When I kissed you earlier, back at the hospital… That was me surrendering. I want this as much as you, I'm not fighting against it any longer…"

"So why are you stopping this?"

Edward furrowed his eyebrows and joined their foreheads again.

"Your body is not strong enough, you're so fragile right now... You just got back from a week's hospitalization..."

Jasper pushed his face gently and waited until their eyes met.

"So be gentle…" He whispered in a timid smile. "Love my like only you do, be caring like you are, like you have always been... But please… touch me… Make love to me, make me yours..." The intensity of his words shook them both. "You already have my heart… I want you to have my body too."

"I want to make you mine… I want to have all of you." Edward assured him earnestly.

"So take me." Jasper urged. "Take me now."

As Edward saw the total abandon deep in his brother's green irises, he felt his heart expanding once more… And so his soul surrendered.


	19. Conflux

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Edward's smile was subtle… But the myriad of emotions behind it was very clear and strong, as was the energy left in the wake of the intense sensations he had just experienced, that was still buzzing throughout his body.

The smile faded as the intensity of his sentiment pulled hard at his heartstrings when he gazed at his brother's face…

In the dim light of the moon that was subtly infiltrating through the window glass, he took in Jasper's delicate features… The long lashes resting against his porcelain skin, his small slightly upturned nose, his high cheekbones, and his lips… His bow-shaped rosy lips that seemed to be still a little swollen from all the kissing…

Edward realized how the twenty-two-year-old man in his arms was still very much young, even still a little naive regarding certain things… And Edward had been the first to really have him…

Feeling his core stirring, Edward released a sigh and looked down their bare bodies… And as he carefully rearranged Jasper's head over his chest, he felt a warm flood of renewed joy fill him unexpectedly as the awareness of their skin contact deepened.

Unable to help himself, even though he truly wanted to assure his brother got the rest he so needed, he gently ran the tip of his fingers along Jasper's spine until the small of his back, his hand resting on the left hip bone as his eyes traveled unhurriedly over his brother's creamy buttcheeks.

His heart accelerated as his mouth went dry. Just remembering how deep he'd been sunk into Jasper an hour or so before had his skin buzzing again and his stomach flooding with crazed butterflies.

Edward squeezed his eyes shut, trying to control his impulses… And immediately his mind was taken by the recent memories…

 _Jasper's words were still hanging in the air between them… His eyes were bright and bigger, and Edward could see the eagerness in them, even in the dark… His brother's facial expression conveyed his expectancy and the heaving of his chest told Edward he shouldn't stall any longer, Jasper was also impatient._

 _It was not that Edward was struggling with their kinship… Not anymore. For the very first time in his whole life, and without a very plausible explanation, he definitely wasn't seeing the man before him as his younger brother… But Jasper's body seemed really fragile, and, knowing that the reason for that was truly grave, Edward hesitated._

 _Understanding his older brother's clear fear, Jasper brought his face closer and kissed him with tenderness. Edward responded naturally, not even for a second holding back, and then Jasper broke their kiss carefully and embraced him._

 _"Don't be afraid of hurting me…" He whispered._

 _"That's not what I fear." Edward replied without changing their position._

 _Jasper moved his body so they were, once again, on their sides, facing each other._

 _"Then what do you fear?"_

 _Edward looked down for a brief moment before gazing lovingly at him._

" _That it'll make you worse…" He confessed with a tad of reservation. "Weaker."_

 _Jasper chuckled softly._

" _It won't." He assured in a smile. "It'll make me feel better. Hey, aren't you a doctor…?" He raised one eyebrow and his smile became crooked. "I assumed you knew about sex and endorphins..."_

 _Edward blushed and dropped his stare again, not really sure why he felt timid all of a sudden. He felt his brother's hand on his chin soon after and raised his eyes._

" _Am I making the confident Edward Cullen shy?" Jasper joked in a sweet tone._

" _I'm not shy." Edward lied unabashedly._

" _I can see the blush, you know." Jasper countered, grinning. "What is it? Just because I implied...?"_

 _"No." Edward interrupted him softly._

 _He got closer and carded his fingers through Jasper's hair._

" _I think it's because… It's the first time that I'm looking at you and… I'm not seeing… My brother." He confessed with intensity._

 _Jasper became unconsciously serious._

" _Who are you seeing then?" He asked in a grave, whispered tone._

 _Edward heaved a deep breath and brought Jasper's face to his, his hand closing around the strands on his brother's nape._

" _I'm seeing the man I love." His voice became deeper, and his stare was fierce. "I'm seeing the man that I want to make mine."_

 _Jasper felt goosebumps rising throughout his skin and his whole body shivered subtly. He released a trembling breath as his lips parted without his conscious consent… Edward's eyes, beckoned by the enthralling sound of his brother's sigh, focused on Jasper's lips right when he involuntarily glided the tip of his tongue along the bottom one._

 _The image itself was enough to encourage him to give in to his primary impulse… But Jasper, moved by his potent emotions, ran his hand from Edward's Jaw to his neck and impatiently brought his brother's mouth to his._

 _There was no tenderness nor sweetness in their exchange. Their lips clashed against each other, parted and molded in an almost desperate encounter as Edward and Jasper grunted in one another's mouths and breathed each other's breaths._

 _Edward moved in sync with Jasper, lying down as the younger man straddled his hips in a fluid movement without breaking their kiss. They started to thrust against each other anxiously as if the contact of their bodies were still insufficient._

 _Jasper ran his hands along the sides of Edward's body until they found the elastic of his brother's sweatpants. He kneaded the skin of his waist and then trailed the tip of his fingers over his navel._

 _Edward moaned deeply into his mouth… Jasper broke the kiss._

 _"I want you. Now." He affirmed as looking fiercely into his brother's hooded eyes. "And I'm not backing down, no matter what you say."_

 _Edward circled his neck with one hand._

 _"You don't have to back down." His voice came out passionate but still caring. "I'll do whatever you ask me to… Whatever you want from me, just say it and it's yours."_

 _"Make love to me." Jasper whispered unhesitatingly. "Don't make me wait…"_

 _Nodding, Edward pulled him down until their upper bodies were flush with each other… Their lips locked eagerly, their tongues twisting and tangling around one another avidly._

 _As the kiss grew heated, their hands became more venturous… Edward held Jasper's hips with a firm grip and pulled his body down as he pushed back up… Jasper contained a moan, reminding himself that the walls were not really thick, and undulated his pelvis back against Edward._

 _He held his older brother's hip bones as well, his fingers kneading the skin there once again… And as their tongues wrestled for dominance, and their lips muffled their grunts, their bodies writhed, motioning anxiously in search of each other, the heat within both of them increasing by the second._

 _With his heart beating out of his chest, Jasper pulled away from the kiss and looked down at his brother as trailing his hands down to Edward's waistband. Edward unconsciously held his breath while he saw Jasper pulling it down slowly._

 _Edward's cock sprang free, slapping his lower abdomen. He moaned softly as Jasper straightened up a little, looking down between them._

 _"Wow." He breathed._

 _"What?" Edward asked in a whisper, feeling a little self-conscious._

 _"Nothing." Jasper hurried to say as he brought his eyes back to Edward's, blushing while smiling. "It's just…" He interrupted himself._

 _He couldn't say the word that came to his mind… It was cheesy and he felt embarrassed for even thinking of it._

 _Edward felt a bit shy under his brother's hungry stare once again and hid the emotion in a nervous chuckle. He'd never felt intimidated or timid in those kinds of situations, but then again, it was his first love eyeing him… He felt a bit vulnerable._

 _His eyes darted to Jasper's hands, that were still gripping the elastic of his pants so dangerously close to where he really wanted them and released a heaved sigh. He looked back at Jasper right when he deliberately moistened his lips and then slid his teeth over the bottom one in a clearly provocative way._

 _"Touch me." Edward practically pleaded in a murmur, suddenly impatient._

 _Jasper's lips curved in a devilish smile… Slowly he pulled Edward's pants all the way down as he moved to the end of the bed, his eyes never freeing Edward's… Once his older brother was completely nude before him, Jasper stood at his feet, his gaze traveling unhurriedly along the long frame of the toned body he so much desired. It made Edward feel even more naked than he already was, as if his baby brother could see beyond his skin and bones, through the surface, into his soul…_

 _A potent shiver rippled through Edward and his breath quickened even more._

 _He propped himself on his elbows, prepared to get up, go to Jasper and pull him back to bed… But before he could do that, the younger one shed his last piece of clothing, revealing his body's undeniable yearning for Edward. The vision of a completely bare Jasper froze Edward in place._

 _Leisurely, but still with raw want clear in his eyes, Edward ran his stare along his brother's body. Jasper felt it like a caress, goosebumps rising all over his skin yet again…_

 _Once his gaze landed on his younger brother's unmistakable erection, Edward felt as if stricken by a jolt of energy, heat flaring and coiling in his core so vehemently that suddenly he was able to move again, and he did so in a heartbeat._

 _Before Jasper could even think of moving back to him, Edward was at the edge of the bed with his feet planted on the floor and his legs open. He reached for his sibling's waist. They both sighed heavily as his hands came in contact with Jasper's heated skin, and they both groaned as he yanked him closer._

" _I want you so fucking much I'm afraid of myself." His fingers drawing idle circles on the small of Jasper's back, Edward whispered, craning his neck to be able to look at him. "But I wanna do this slowly…"_

 _Jasper bent his head to look at him, his hair cascading on both sides of his face as he held his brother's jaw in his hands gently._

" _We have all night…" His smile was soft and his eyes were glinting with love._

 _Edward hesitated for a second._

" _What if…?" He began to say as his eyes darted to the door._

" _Shhh…" Jasper placed his index finger over his lips before he could complete the question. "I locked the door when I came in."_

 _A small chuckle found its way out of Edward as he cocked his eyebrows up at him._

" _Did you premeditated this?"_

 _The moment those words were out he regretted them and his smile flickered and died._

 _Jasper's face fell a little, and Edward knew it was because of the reason that had led him there… He felt immediately stupid and thoughtless._

" _Not today, no…" Jasper smiled tentatively as to soothe his brother's obvious prompt unrest._

 _Edward raised both his hands to his face and, after tucking his hair behind his ears, he held Jasper's neck._

" _I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said…" Edward hurried to say._

" _Hey, it's okay…" Jasper bent his body a bit to level their eyes and smiled more pronouncedly. "I would've done it if it wasn't for…" He cut himself off. "I just needed you." He shrugged. "All of you with me... And I knew you would worry… I knew you would be alert, waiting for Mom or Dad to walk in on us… So I locked the door to guarantee you would be fully present…"_

" _And I was, I am, not because of the door, 'cause I didn't even know you had locked it." Edward rushed to assure. "I didn't think once about Mom and Dad…"_

" _I know." Jasper said gazing lovingly at him._

" _Because you are all I can focus on right now." Edward added. "It has been like this since last week…"_

" _I noticed."_

" _And it's the way I want it to be right at this moment…" He kind of vowed, his gaze assuming a tender glow as he brought Jasper's body to him even more. "I want us to focus on us… And forget about everything else…"_

 _As his brother nodded and straightened up, Edward gently slid his hands along Jasper's sides to the back of his thighs. The urge to touch him more intimately spiked but he controlled it, taking his time to run the back of his fingers back up the younger man's legs as staring earnestly at him._

 _Jasper sighed softly, his lips parting subtly as he felt Edward's touch trailing a path to his lower abdomen and from there to his groin. He held his breath as his older brother, never averting his eyes, grazed his knuckles up the underside of his penis._

 _Restraining the urge to go at it at once, Edward wrapped his left hand around the base of Jasper's cock and moaned low together with him… His darkened irises darted from his brother's face to his member and back to his green eyes, the slight furrowing of his eyebrows conveying to Jasper his silent request._

 _Heart bolting in his chest, Jasper nodded once, granting his sibling the permission he was expecting._

 _Stare boring into the man in front of him, slowly, deliberately, Edward swirled his tongue around the ridge of Jasper's shaft before enveloping the head with his lips, soon taking his length all the way inside his mouth._

" _Oh, God…" Jasper gasped as his body trembled with the overpowering sensation, his hands grasping Edward's shoulders for support._

 _Edward bobbed his head up and down in a controlled unhurried pace, scraping his teeth along the smooth skin very subtly in every upward movement and slightly hollowing his cheeks in each downward motion. When the strong salty taste of Jasper's precum flooded his palate, Edward hummed involuntarily and sucked a little more intensely, his hunger escalating fast. That made Jasper grasp his shoulders with more force in order not to burst right up._

 _When it started to become too much for him to handle, he just clutched Edward's hair._

" _Slow down." Jasper pleaded in a broken whisper._

 _Edward let go of his cock gently and craned his neck to look at him._

" _You taste so good…" He stated in the spur of the moment._

" _And your mouth feels insanely luscious…" Jasper panted. "You'll make me cum too fast."_

 _Edward smiled maliciously._

" _Why is that a problem?" His tone was lustful._

 _He didn't wait for his brother's reply… He simply engulfed Jasper's penis once again and resumed his eager assault._

 _It did not take long until a potent wave of heat ran throughout Jasper's whole body, forcing him to close his eyes so he could bear it without shouting._

 _Edward let go of his member, this time not so subtly._

 _"Don't close your eyes." He demanded in a grave tone. "Look at me."_

 _Jasper obeyed promptly and bit his lower lip to hold back a loud groan…_

 _Seeing his brother twirling his tongue around the head of his cock, dipping it softly in its slit and then sucking it almost down his throat made his legs buckle slightly. Jasper tried to withdraw the fast approaching climax, he even tried to restrain his body's involuntary movements, but it was too late for him…_

 _The pent-up emotions and the building sensations just merged together in his core and, when Edward raised his eyes to him as taking his whole shaft into his mouth again, Jasper lost completely any thread of self-control he had._

 _All his muscles went rigid as his hands clasped Edward's hair._

 _"Cuming…" He blurted out in a cracked voice as he focused on his brother's deep gray eyes._

 _He heard Edward's muffled moan in clear approval as the first spurts of his cum left his body in a hard orgasm. He shivered intensely, waves of pure pleasure shaking each and every centimeter of his body as he sank his teeth in his lower lip in order not to scream his brother's name._

 _Edward closed his eyes involuntary, drinking in Jasper's essence and feeling his heart hammering his chest. He couldn't explain it to himself but it seemed his love for Jasper was expanding and occupying every single little space around him and within him._

 _He couldn't even breathe properly as he felt overwhelmed by the emotion… He knew that pleasuring Jasper like that was just a prelude of what was to come, but it was so intense already that he felt just momentarily disoriented._

 _Hearing the man he loved murmuring something worked like a charm and brought Edward back to the moment. Gently letting go of Jasper's soft cock, he looked up while pulling his brother's legs over his and making him straddle his lap._

 _"What did you say?" Edward asked in a kind low voice._

 _Jasper looked at him with a lazy satisfied stare._

 _"That I love you." He answered in a sweet smile._

 _Edward felt as if his chest could burst, so full of sentiment it was._

" _I love you too, Jade… So much."_

 _Jasper nodded and got closer to him, feeling his body ignite once again as Edward's hard cock got trapped between their bodies._

 _Dense lust was surrounding them, heavily permeating the environment and charging the air they were breathing… But through the connection of their gazes, Jasper and Edward shared the essential emotion that was driving them… Genuine love linked their hearts and souls, erasing any remanent reservation or hesitation they could have had._

 _In a gentle touch, their lips connected this time. The kiss was earnest, as their hands and body movements were avid, but it was as if the flames within them were now burning steadily, low and constant, flaring little by little in a building progression, no hurry, no desperation… The brothers knew they would reach what they desired and nothing would hinder that… They wouldn't let it._

 _Edward held Jasper's neck with one hand and angled his head so he could deepen the kiss… Then he draped his arm across his brother's back and held his waist firmly, supporting him as he swiftly turned their bodies and lay Jasper down on the mattress, settling in between his open legs and covering Jasper's lean body with his heavy frame._

 _The kiss was broken but the contact of their skin provoked a prompt and renewed fiery wave of desire in both, making them pant as their stares bored into one another._

 _Gazing intently into the gray eyes he loved, Jasper crossed his ankles over the back of Edwards thighs and ran the tip of his fingers over Edward's skin along his spine, torturously slowly, from his neck to the small of his back…_

 _Edward couldn't avert his eyes, his brother's powerful stare was holding him captive… So although he was feeling Jaspers touch with unpaired accuracy, he was still not fully prepared for the following contact._

 _Electricity took over his whole being as he felt the heat of Jasper's hands around his buttcheeks, gripping the flesh tightly and forcing his hips down hard. The air got caught up in his throat._

 _Jasper groaned low as the friction he so needed happened between their rock-hard cocks, and he finally freed his brother from his deep gaze as his own eyes closed reflexively. Edward leaned in and captured his ajar lips in his… He felt his chest vibrating as he released a heavy breath through his nose and his hands tightened their grip on Jasper's sides involuntarily._

 _Jasper teased Edward with the enthralling motions of his tongue, nibbling and nipping and licking his mouth until the older brother was panting heavily. Their hips moved synchronously, once more anxiously rolling and pushing back against each other..._

" _Please, Edward." Jasper begged unceremoniously in Edward's mouth as his hips bucked up. "I need you."_

 _Edward heard the urgency in his voice… He also saw it in his eyes once he pulled back to look at him._

 _Again he hesitated, his gaze roaming around aimlessly for a second or two before Jasper took hold of his face and urged him to look back at his eyes._

" _What is it?" He asked softly, feeling his brother's rapid heartbeats on his own chest._

" _Guess I'm… A little nervous." Edward admitted._

 _Jasper smiled._

" _Why? We've already..."_

" _Because it's you!" Edward's voice came out low but rushed. "You're the first and only person I truly loved my whole life." His tone softened as his eyes glistened. "I've loved you for so long… I've wanted to have you like this for so long… It's a little… Overwhelming… Almost scaring. I'm afraid of myself, of how lost in you I may get." He heaved a breath, trying to control his racing heart. "You know, don't you?" His hands came to Jasper's face and held it gently. "That you're the one?"_

 _Jasper's eyes glistened strongly as well, his chest swelling with a mix of love and joy._

" _I am?" The question sounded frail and uncertain._

 _Edward got serious._

" _Tu es l'amour de ma vie… Remember? You are the love of my life, Jasper." He vowed._

 _"So that's what it means…" Jasper spoke abstractedly, deeply absorbed in Edward's words and his own realization._

 _"Yes." Edward's simple confirmation sounded definite. "So this is it… Once I make you mine, Jade… I'll never let you go, I won't be able to."_

" _That's what I'm asking for." Jasper replied with sudden intensity._

 _They shared an acute look before Edward left the bed in total silence and disappeared in the dark en-suite. Not longer than one minute later he was back, kneeling on the mattress and sitting on his heels between Jasper's open legs._

 _The younger brother closed his eyes as he heard the snap of a bottle cap and bit his lower lip in anticipation. Once he felt Edward hovering over him he reopened his eyelids and focused on his brother's expectant face._

" _I wish you could see yourself as I see you." Edward said in a whisper. "That would be the only way you would fully understand what you mean to me."_

 _Jasper felt a burst of warmth and emotion filling his heart and opened his mouth to reply… But his words were never voiced… They got lost as the feeling of Edward's lube coated forefinger, gently circling his hole, reached him._

 _His eyes snapped closed and a loud groan escaped him as his older brother slowly invaded his entrance with said finger and almost immediately hit his prostate._

 _Edward's medical skills and knowledge were fully working in his favor…_

 _He leaned in over Jasper and grazed his lips over his brother's ear._

" _You feel so hot inside..." Edward practically moaned._

 _Jasper gripped his shoulders as starting to rock his hips in a soft pace, in rhythm with Edward's finger thrusts… Then he opened his eyes and looked fiercely into Edward's._

" _More…" He panted._

 _Edward promptly obliged, feeling his cock leaking profusely in expectation._

 _Soon a third finger was added and Edward was curling the three of them inside Jasper to make him feel more and more pleasure… The continuous moans and grunts he was eliciting from his brother were turning him on impossibly much… But they were not, at all, soothing his concern over the impending inevitable pain he would put Jasper through... So he tried, as much as he could, to build his brother's arousal the highest he possibly could._

 _Then he felt Jasper's hands on his forearms, gripping them with the urgency Edward could feel pouring from his eyes and voice._

" _I'm ready." Jasper assured._

 _Feeling his heart pounding uncontrollably, Edward slowly retrieved his fingers and sat on his heels once more, reaching for the condom. He had just opened the casing when he felt Jasper's hand over his._

 _He raised his eyes to find Jasper sitting in front of him._

" _I want to feel you." Jasper said with confidence. "All of you."_

 _They looked at each other for a brief moment._

" _Are you sure?" Edward asked in a kind tone._

" _I'm clean, and this will be the first time I…"_

" _I know." Edward ensured while raising his hand to his face. "I'm clean too."_

 _Their eyes remained locked in one another for a couple of minutes as they assimilated what they were about to do… Until Edward pushed Jasper gently back to the mattress and, one hand over his brother's heart, he took hold of his member and positioned himself._

 _Edward looked at Jasper's eyes and held his stare as pushing into him. He didn't have to ask his younger brother to keep his eyes open, to maintain the connection of their gazes as they came together… It happened naturally, as the two of them felt the need to be fully focused on one another._

 _The merging of their bodies elicited a grave moan from both of them as their hearts thundered, beating out of their chests and making their breathing to become labored._

 _"Oh, fuck Jade…" Edward blurted out halfway in, his eyes fluttering closed. "So fucking tight, I can't…"_

 _"Shhh…" Quickly bringing his hands to hold his face, Jasper shushed Edward gently. "Just breathe… Breathe with me and go slow."_

 _Edward was perfectly still as he nodded. After taking a deep breath he reopened his eyes and looked lovingly at Jasper._

 _"You're okay?" He asked carefully._

 _Jasper just nodded and subtly bucked up his hips to encourage him to continue._

 _Controlling not only his pace, but also his urge, Edward bit the corner of his lower lip, leaned further close to Jasper and, concentrating fully in his eyes, drove himself deeper into his body._

 _They kissed gently as Edward felt he was fully sheathed inside Jasper. He broke the kiss slowly and took another deep breath as the strongest ardor he'd experienced his whole life took over him, making his cock pulse and his body tingle all over._

" _I can't move…" Edward confessed in a broken whisper, his eyes pleading "…If I do I'll cum."_

 _Jasper chuckled, which made him contract and squeeze Edward's member inside him. Edward's hands flew to his waist."_

" _Don't…" He stated urgently as he got all rigid. "I'm serious."_

 _Jasper got serious then, and held Edward's neck firmly before bringing his face even closer._

" _You're with me… You're in me… We'll do this together…_ Everything _together. So breathe…" Edward did it as he did so. "You won't cum now, 'cause you'll do it with me, and I'm not there yet. You can move."_

" _Jade…"_

" _Trust me… Move, please."_

 _And so Edward did… And although their bodies responded profusely to the powerful stimulation, making them grunt and moan with complete abandon, the fact that they could be heard totally forgotten by them, the brothers spent long and intense minutes ravishing each other, profoundly enraptured in their synergy, engrossed in the most impassioned experience they both had ever lived._

 _At a certain point, Jasper was riding Edward, their bodies so deeply connected they couldn't tell where one ended and the other begun..._

 _"I love you with all my heart." Edward professed in short pants. "This feels so right."_

 _"It feels right 'cause it_ is _right." Jasper agreed passionately. "I want this forever, Tonton."_

 _"Then you'll have it forever." Edward assured earnestly._

 _"Promise?"_

 _"I promise." He confirmed just before he gasped._

 _Both their bodies shivered as the climax rippled through them in shattering waves… They didn't even try to hold back their elated moans as they held each other securely and reached the hardest, most vehement, and most moving orgasm of their whole lives…_

"This is forever…" Edward murmured to himself as his mind settled back into the present. "Nothing will ever break us apart." He added as he ran his hands through Jasper's hair. "I promise, my love."

He left a soft kiss on his brother's forehead before closing his eyes and letting sleep claim him.


	20. Blood ties

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"Is it weird that I don't feel guilty about what happened?" Jasper asked in a whisper as he felt Edward's soft kiss on the back of his neck.

The first lights of the morning were streaming through Edward's window, illuminating the room subtly with tenuous shades of orange and yellow.

Edward gently tightened the hold around Jasper's waist and, finding no resistance against the motion, he turned his brother's body.

As soon as he could see Jasper's face, Edward shrugged.

"Fact is… I don't, either." He added in a whisper while his gaze softened. "I told you last night… I can't see you as I used to, not anymore. I don't know, something just shifted the moment I gave in."

Those words made Jasper remember something he had wanted to let Edward know at a point of the previous night, but that he hadn't had the chance to disclose given everything that succeeded.

Jasper kissed Edward softly on the lips.

"Good morning." He said while bringing one of his hands to his older brother's face and caressing his cheek with his thumb.

Edward smiled longingly.

"G'morning, love."

That made Jasper smile contently…

He then took a deep breath and licked his lips before speaking.

"I need to be truthful with you…" His tone was guarded, as his gaze, and that made Edward give him full attention. "Last night you told me you didn't see me as your brother anymore… Well, I didn't have the chance to tell you then but… I haven't seen you or felt you as my brother for a while…" Jasper's confession was laced in a secretive but passionate tone and was followed by a soft smile and a sincere gaze.

Edward sighed in a relief he wasn't really expecting to feel… And then the question just spontaneously rolled out of his tongue.

"Since when…?" His eyebrows furrowed a little.

Jasper's eyes darted away a bit before he looked seriously into Edward's.

"Back in Hanover… The moment we kissed that night in your room…" They both sighed as the memory flooded their minds.

"The moment _you_ kissed me." Edward corrected him with a hint of mischievousness tinting his voice.

Jasper just smiled more broadly.

"Okay, the moment _I_ kissed you…" Then he turned serious again. "Everything changed in a second. I looked at you and I couldn't see my brother… I saw you as if for the first time and I fell all over again for you, this time totally aware of it. And I knew I couldn't go back… I knew I wanted you for myself."

Edward fully frowned.

"But you agreed with me, you said…"

"What I knew you needed to hear." Jasper clarified calmly. "I was the one that freaked out when you told me you were in love with me, and when I found out that I loved you right back, but I knew you would be the one freaking out if I told you I was willing to face whatever to be with you. I knew you had no intention of acting on your feelings… I know you my whole life, Edward, I knew you wouldn't just budge. You would fight against it, as you did along all those years."

"So… So you…"

"I waited." Jasper confirmed the suspicion he could read in his brother's eyes. "I didn't know what I could do to have you… I didn't want to push you, because I knew the pressure would only drive you away… So I just waited… And I hoped that you would be weak around me again, that I would find a crack in your walls and then I would be able to get to you, to weaken your decision, to make you give in… I _literally_ prayed every night for your feelings for me to be so impossibly stronger than your resolve that at some point they would break it…"

Edward felt stunned… He had loved Jasper truly for seven long years but he was the one that believed in their sentiment, in the possibility of them, he was the one willing to fight for it fearlessly.

"When you arrived last week, and you looked at me that way, and then all that happened between us… I knew that was my only chance. But then I was torn because I knew you were happy with Emmett, and being around me made you feel guilty." Jasper sighed heavily as he saw Edward averting his gaze.

"I think, deep down inside I knew it was just a matter of time…" Edward confessed in a low voice. Then he looked back at Jasper. "It has always been a lost fight. The moment I learned you felt the same I did… I got terrified because it was so obvious we would end up right here…"

"You say it as if it's a bad thing." Jasper sounded cautious, nearly hurt, and his face told Edward he felt insecure.

Edward pulled his body closer and looked kindly into his eyes.

"Not a bad thing… Just a grave one. This will turn our lives upside down."

"I know." Jasper affirmed while frowning.

"Do you really?" Edward insisted in a gentle caring voice and stare.

"Of course I do." Jasper replied firmly. "I know we'll have to face our parents at some point."

"And probably lose them." Edward added detachedly.

Jasper heaved a sigh and smiled sadly.

"This may sound a bit cruel… But the one person I can't lose is you. It's only you, Edward."

Acting on his sudden impulse, Edward pulled Jasper to him. Jasper rested his forehead on his shoulder and wrapped his arm tightly around Edward.

They remained like that, holding each other for an immeasurable amount of time...

"Do you mean it?" Jasper broke the silence with a soft voice. "What you promised last night."

Edward pulled back a bit and their eyes met.

"Yes." Edward said in an earnest tone while looking almost solemnly at him. "We belong together."

Jasper released the air unconsciously held in his lungs. He rested his hand over Edward's cheek.

"What will we do?" His voice coming out calm and steady then.

"For now we wait. You have to get well first." Edward spoke in kind. "But once you are well, we'll have to talk to Mom and Dad. I don't wanna hide, and I don't wanna lie to them either."

Jasper nodded.

"But as we wait…"

"I won't leave you ever again, love." He vowed, immediately assimilating what Jasper was implicitly asking. "You're mine now, Jade, completely, and I am completely yours as I should have always been… We'll have to conceal it and be absolutely careful and discreet for now, but we won't be apart, I won't be away from you, I promise."

"But you'll have to go back to Hanover soon." Jasper argued softly.

"I know. Don't worry about it, I know what I'll do and I will be back sooner than you think."

"What about… Emmett?" Jasper's insecurity was once again clear in his tone and eyes. " Will you…"

"I'll break up with him." Edward assured him tenderly. "Don't worry about anything, Jade. We're together, and we'll remain together, it doesn't matter what it takes."

"Do you really want this?" Jasper's eyes were suddenly so hesitant... "Or you're doing it because I'm dying?"

The question threw Edward so completely off that he didn't measure his reaction. The shock made him hold Jasper's face promptly and look at him sternly.

"Please, don't doubt my love for you." His tone was plainly hurt. "Of course I want this, didn't everything that has transpired between us make it clear enough?"

Jasper felt a little guilty, but in his defense, he couldn't be in a more vulnerable moment or position.

"I'm all in, Jasper." Edward affirmed firmly, even though he could perfectly read the reason behind his brother's doubt. "And because you're the love of my life, not because you're dying, which you are not."

Jasper's eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry…"

Edward felt a pang in his heart.

"Trust in me, Jade. Trust my love for you." He asked with slight urgency.

"I do." Jasper stated more firmly. "I will."

Edward brought him close again, and they spent some more time in a tight embrace.

When the morning light became more pronounced, Jasper sighed and pulled away gently, unwillingly.

"Don't go." Edward murmured, not letting go of him.

"I have to… You know Mom wakes up early, she's probably about to be up and for sure she'll go to my room to check on me." He explained in a subtle frown. "And I'm not there…" He stated the obvious.

"She'll come here looking for you…" Edward concluded cleverly.

Jasper nodded, sighed again and tried to move once more. This time Edward let him go and heaved a weighted breath as he observed his younger brother get dressed.

Silently, and with a heavy heart, Jasper walked to the door. He paused before unlocking it and looked back at Edward.

"You'll go with us today, right?" He referred to the oncologist appointment.

That remembrance broke Edward's heart a little.

"Definitely."

Jasper nodded again and unlocked the door. His stomach dropped to his feet and he froze as he found his father, fist raised midair supposedly to knock, right before him.

In a heartbeat, Jasper tried to remember how Edward's room looked behind him… How _Edward_ looked behind him.

His heart raced and his breath got stuck in his throat as he assimilated that his brother was very much naked under the thin bedsheets.

"I was looking for you, I knew you would be here." Carlisle hurried to say in a concerned tone. "You're pale, do you feel sick?"

Edward's first impulse when hearing his father's words was to get up and rush to Jasper. But thankfully it hit him he didn't have any clothes on.

"I-I… Y-yeah…" Jasper stammered, at that point really feeling as if he could throw up. "I-I… Can you take me back to my room?" He asked urgently already taking some steps out of the door and urging his father to help him.

His impromptu attitude worked, and Carlisle supported his trembling frame along the corridor, away from Edward's room and the reality of their predicament.

Edward released the air in a loud puff and hurried to put on his pants before rushing to close the door. He leaned against it, feeling his heart beating out of his chest, and closed his eyes.

That had been a really close one…

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Edward is in the kitchen. Why don't you go there and have something to drink as I get him?" Edward heard his mother's voice coming from the hall.

He turned to the arch, already frowning, right when the tall stunning young man crossed it.

His heart felt suddenly small and insecurity washed over him mercilessly.

"Jacob." He practically sighed Jasper's ex-boyfriend's name.

"Hey, Edward." Jacob greeted him neutrally, not even imagining what he was causing inside his former best friend. "I knew you would be here. How you're holding up?"

Edward held back the will to kick him out of the house, clenched and unclenched his jaw and forced his voice out in a light tone.

"Okay… I know he'll get through this, he'll be fine."

"It's reassuring when we hear it from someone like you." Jacob stated in a clearly relieved sigh as he sat on one of the kitchen counter stools.

"Someone like me?" Edward was confused.

"You're becoming a doctor, you know what you're saying, right?" Jacob clarified in a natural tone.

Edward pursed his lips then nodded once. He wasn't really talking from knowledge, which he actually didn't have much in the oncology field… He was talking from his heart, from his conviction that the man he loved would not be taken from him like that… Not without him doing everything possible to prevent it, not without a fight.

"What are you doing here?" Edward could not hold back the question as he didn't see a point in Jacob's visit. "You're not his boyfriend anymore."

Jacob chuckled.

"Protective as always." He said under his breath, but Edward heard it loud and clear. Jacob jutted his chin just a little. "I still worry about him, how could I not?"

"You could've called." Edward stated coldly.

"I did, that's how I got to know what was going on." Jacob replied evenly. "It wasn't enough, I needed to see him."

"Why? It's no use, he doesn't love you anymore."

Jacob smiled humorlessly and bent his head while heaving a deep sigh. Edward involuntarily curled his hands into fists on his sides while trying to control his inexplicable jealousy.

"I'm not here for this, Edward." Jacob affirmed firmly, facing him calmly. "Yeah, I still love him, but I'm well aware he doesn't, at least not the way he used to… But that doesn't mean I care less, or that he doesn't need all the support he can get."

"He doesn't need _you_." Edward practically spit, blinded by his insecurity.

"Jake."

Both men heard the husky voice and turned to the kitchen entrance to see Jasper, hair damp from a recent shower, barefoot, dressed comfortably in sweatpants and a cotton shirt, big green eyes glinting with contentment, looking fondly at his former boyfriend with a small smile playing on his lips.

Edward cringed as he saw Jacob standing without missing a beat and rushing to hug Jasper… But what made his heart drop was the way his brother hugged him back while closing his eyes in plain acceptance and enjoyment.

Jasper only realized what Edward was seeing, and obviously feeling in consequence, once he opened his eyes and watched his older brother's gaze going glum.

Edward held Jasper's sorrowful stare for a brief moment before averting his eyes while shaking and bending his head and striding out of the kitchen.

He didn't halt his angry steps until he reached the backyard and got into the pool house. He knew he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. Jacob had been his biggest torment, one of the main reasons for the frustration he faced for years, the object of his jealousy, his biggest fear…

He wanted Jasper's former boyfriend as far away from them as possible, and he needed Jasper to forget all about him…

Edward knew he was expecting too much… But again, he was not being sensible. His heart, and therefore his illogical fears, were commanding him completely.

He remained hidden there for an amount of time he could not really precise, brooding deeply.

He was so lost in his dejection, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees, that he didn't even notice when Jasper entered the small space.

"I've looked all over for you." He said in obvious relief.

Only then Edward realized he wasn't alone anymore. He looked at his brother with gloomy eyes.

Jasper sighed heavily and sat beside him. Edward turned his head forward so as not to look at him.

"Are you mad at me?" Jasper asked cautiously.

Edward heaved a sigh and ran his hand a bit harshly through his hair.

"I am." He admitted. "But I know it's unreasonable."

"It is." Jasper agreed calmly.

Edward seemed insulted when swiftly turned to look at him. Jasper shrugged.

"You have no reason to feel jealous." He clarified unperturbed. " _I_ broke up with him almost five months ago."

"You made it pretty clear that it wasn't because of me when you told me." Edward retorted acidly.

"It wasn't because of you directly." Jasper gave back kindly. "But the fact that I was in love with you obviously changed the way I felt about him, which led me to my decision."

Edward stood up, impatient and disturbed. He paced a bit as Jasper considered what would be the best way to deal with that without engaging in an argument.

"Do you still love him?" Edward blurted out the question without looking at him or stopping the nervous pacing.

When Jasper took longer than expected to answer, Edward stopped and glared at him.

"I was waiting for you to look at me." Jasper explained in a placid tone. "You know I do, I was honest with you about that. But…"

Edward just turned his back at him and bolted out of there without another word.

Jasper released a puffy breath, stood up and went after him. He caught up with Edward almost in the house.

"Hey, calm down." He asked as he held his older brother's wrist.

Edward turned to him unwillingly and looked at some random spot ahead instead of at his eyes.

"Can you let me finish?" Jasper asked in a firmer voice while fully holding Edward's hand.

"I'm listening." Edward replied in a detached tone.

Jasper held his face and forced him to look into his eyes.

"Not like this." He determined. "Come on, let's go back."

Edward huffed but still followed him back to the pool house. Once they were there, he sat back on the couch. Jasper sat on the coffee table right in front of him, practically between his open legs.

"Edward, Jacob was my first boyfriend, my first love…" Jasper elaborated carefully. "I'll always love him, but it's different than what I feel for you."

Edward bit his lower lip and kept his eyes on the floor, although Jasper could read in his stance that he was not so outraged as before.

"Please, look at me." Jasper asked in a loving voice.

As usual, Edward obliged.

"Earlier you asked me not to doubt your love for me… So how can you doubt my love for you? I thought the fact that I'm willing to face anything, including our parents, to be with you spoke volumes." Jasper sighed. "I gave myself to you unconditionally last night…"

With that Edward gave in and understood it was completely unnecessary to spend so much energy on that stupid insecurity…

He pulled Jasper's head to him by the neck and joined their foreheads.

"I'm an idiot." He said while shaking his head slightly.

"You are." Jasper agreed in a chuckle that Edward mimicked. "But so am I."

He pulled back a little to look into Jasper's eyes.

"I'm sorry. It just…"

"I know it hurts. I feel it too, you know?" Jasper affirmed empathetically. "Just talk to me, and listen to me, instead of shutting me out."

"You've done that to me too…" Edward gave back in a mocking accusatory tone.

"I know, and I'm trying to break the habit, so don't you get into it." Jasper replied in kind.

They smiled to each other before their lips met and they engaged in a deep, serious kiss.

They could have never suspected that they were being observed by aghast brown eyes.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"What about a transplant?" Edward asked urgently.

The whole family was looking expectantly at the oncologist after hearing the definite diagnosis and about the treatment Jasper would have to undergo.

"After the first cycle, we'll reevaluate his condition. It will depend on how his body will respond to the treatment."

"Wouldn't it be better for him to just have the transplant and get rid of the cancer at once?" Esme asked cautiously.

"It doesn't work like that, mom." Edward said in a gentle voice.

"The doctor is indicating what's best, dear." Carlisle tried to soothe her. "And we have to trust his judgment."

"I understand your concern, Mrs. Cullen. But the prognosis is good. A transplant is a complex procedure, there's always a risk involved. It is actually our last resource in cases like Jasper's."

Esme nodded, still feeling restless, but accepting the doctor's decision.

"So now we proceed with the admission." Carlisle said in a slightly interrogative tone.

"Yes." Doctor Hermez confirmed. "I'll make some arrangements and then I'll meet you downstairs."

They all shook the Doctor's hand after standing up and prepare to leave the office.

"I'll be with you soon, Jasper." Doctor Hermez said to his new patient as he left the room with his parents.

Edward stayed behind, just to ask him something.

The doctor looked attentively at him.

"I know for now it's not necessary… But if it comes to it, I can donate the bone marrow."

The doctor smiled approvingly to him.

"This is great, Edward. Of course you'll need to be tested." Edward nodded knowingly. "Anyway, you shouldn't worry too much, I'm confident the treatment will work given your brother's age and previous health history. Besides, Jasper's blood type is pretty simple to match. As long as the red blood cells are healthy, anyone from the family, or even friends, can donate bone marrow to him."

Edward got a bit confused.

"Universal donors are the hardest to match." He countered, surprised with the obvious mistake of the supposedly experient doctor. "And they receive only from the same blood type."

"Jasper's blood type is a universal _recipient_ , not donor, which means…"

"Wait, doctor Hermez, I'm not trying to disrespect you or disregard your experience, but, my brother is an O negative, and unless all the classes I took and all the books I read are mistaken…"

"Jasper's blood type is not O negative." Now the doctor was the one sounding confused. He reached for the papers over his desk and, after skimming them he looked confidently at Edward. "Your brother is an AB positive."

Edward looked at the doctor without really seeing him… And suddenly he felt as if the floor had vanished from under his feet.


	21. Inexorable

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 _Your brother is an AB positive._

 _AB positive._

 _AB positive._

His gray eyes roamed aimlessly around the Hospital's back garden. Disoriented and feeling a bit dizzy, Edward sat on a bench while holding his head and slightly bending his upper body.

 _How can he be an AB positive?!_

His heart was mercilessly pounding against his chest, making his blood flow faster and his breath quicken… He couldn't breathe, nor could he swallow the lump in his throat, that was dry because of the sudden anxiety.

Edward tried to calm down, tried to rationalize the situation, tried to make sense of the information he'd just received… Of course something was wrong, Jasper was and had always been an O negative and blood type didn't change.

However, as this certainty came to his mind, so did the fact that he had never had tangible proof that Jasper had the same blood type as him and their parents…

The truth was, Edward had never seen a blood test, nor had he ever tested his brother's blood, his certainty was basically based on an assumption.

A very strong one, though, since he had seen and tested his parents' blood several times. He knew for sure that Esme and Carlisle were both O negative, and he was a living proof of it... That was his blood type as well.

Edward carded his fingers through his hair impatiently and straightened up, his eyes unfocused once again.

If those reports were really correct, if Jasper's blood type was really AB positive, there was no biological way for his parents, not even only one of them, to be his brother's progenitors.

A weighted sigh left his lungs without his conscious consent as he felt his shoulder muscles grow tense. He was so confused, so disturbed with all the possibilities it would represent, he didn't really know how to feel about the whole thing.

The only thing he was certain of was… He loved Jasper more than anything, and sibling or not he was the person Edward wanted to be with, to spend the rest of his life with, so his resolve was not changing… He would do and face whatever he had to, but he and Jasper would be together.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to center himself.

The will to share that with Jasper was almost too strong for him to restrain… But he knew he needed to be sure first, and understand what all that really implied and how it would impact everyone involved.

There was nothing he could do right away, he had to be patient and rational. So he took a deep breath, standing up slowly.

Right when he decided he was ready to go back into the hospital his cell phone buzzed inside his pocket…

He sat back on the bench when he learned it was Emmett.

Taking another deep breath and pushing everything else aside, he focused on what he had to do.

"Hey, Emm." He greeted with a little reservation.

On the other end, the big guy noticed his boyfriend's despondency immediately, but aware of what Jasper was going through and how it directly affected Edward, he didn't think too much of it.

"Hey, Blondie. You okay?" He asked in a caring tone.

Edward heaved a rather heavy sigh.

"Not really." And his voice conveyed his restlessness.

"Something happened with Jasper?" Emmett urged in clear worry.

Readly bombarded by vivid recent memories, Edward squeezed his eyes closed and felt his throat and heart constricting.

"No, he's… Fine." He forced the words out. "As fine as he can be right now." He added as shaking his head.

"That's good, but you're…"

"I need to see you." Acting on a vehement impulse, Edward interrupted him. "We need to talk."

Edward knew, the moment that heavy silence fell between them, that Emmett realized why he was tense.

He heard his boyfriend sigh low on the other end.

"Do you want me to go to you?" Emmett's tone was resigned, but Edward was able to catch the slight sadness in the inflection.

"It wouldn't be fair." He replied with caution. "I'm driving there. Is it okay?"

"Sure."

They were silent again for almost a minute.

"I don't have your sister's address." Edward said hesitantly.

"I'll text it to you in a minute." Emmett spoke in the same tone. "When are you coming?"

"I'm at the hospital, so I'll just let my parents know and I'll have to get the car at home… I'll call you as soon as I take the road, but I think I'll leave in an hour."

"Okay." Emmett replied after another weighted breath.

"Okay."

Again they remained quiet for a while, hearing each other's heavy breathing.

"I'll see you later then." Emmett spoke quietly.

"Bye, Biggie."

Edward heard Emmett's soft sigh before the big guy hung up, and closed his eyes once more.

He hated that he was hurting him… It was hurting him too, actually… But there was nothing he could do about it.

Standing up and walking into the hospital, Edward started feeling terrible… His heart was aching and guilt was slowly crawling its way into his system. By the time he reached the room his brother was occupying, he had unshed tears forcefully retained in his eyes, and he could feel the warmth of the blush on his cheeks due to the effort.

Jasper noticed his disturbance as immediately as he came through the door.

"Dad, can I talk to you?" He asked Carlisle, avoiding Jasper's interrogative stare.

Carlisle nodded and they went to the corridor.

"I'm going to Philly, to see Emmett." He was straight to the point.

"Did something happen?" Carlisle asked with worry.

"Actually yeah. But I can't really explain anything right now." Edward provided in a neutral tone. "I just need to borrow one of the cars."

Seeing how perturbed Edward was, Carlisle just nodded.

"You can take the SUV. You know where the keys are."

Edward nodded slightly urgently.

"I also need a minute with my brother before I go." He controlled his tone and gestures as he said that. "Can you take Mom for a coffee or something?"

"Certainly." Carlisle replied naturally and unconcerned, oblivious to the reason behind Edward's request.

They went back in the room, and Edward didn't dare to look at Jasper before their parents left saying they would have some snack at the cafeteria.

Edward walked slowly and sat beside Jasper on the bed, still not looking at him.

"What's going on?" Jasper urged.

After a long exhalation, Edward finally looked at him.

"I'm driving to Philadelphia." He said carefully.

Jasper, aware of who was there, released a nervous breath.

"Do you have to?" He asked hesitantly. "Can't you… Call him?"

Edward shook his head slightly.

"I can't do this over the phone, Jade. It's not fair."

"But it's a three-hour drive. And it's already five in the afternoon…" His tone was sad and worried.

"It's a two-and-a-half-hour drive." Edward corrected him with a loving tone.

"Big difference." And then Jasper seemed slightly irritated.

"What's the matter?"

"You'll end up having to spend the night there." Jasper answered grudgingly, his eyebrows furrowed.

Edward had not thought about that, he just wanted to get it over with and have one less thing to deal with.

"And why would that be a problem?" He asked kindly, taking Jasper's hand in his.

Jasper took a moment to gather his thoughts and calm down a little before addressing what he had noticed minutes earlier.

"Why did you take so long to come?" He asked quietly.

"I needed some air…" Edward provided promptly, decided not to tell Jasper about his blood type issue for the time being. "And then Emmett called and I was talking to him."

Jasper nodded, seemingly understanding something.

"Do you have any idea how you looked when you came in?" He asked in a sad smile, which confused Edward.

"No… Worried?" Edward replied shrugging.

"You looked pretty sad… You actually had tears in your eyes." Jasper said despondently and then sighed. "Why?"

Not wanting to lie to him, Edward took a deep breath before admitting that out loud.

"I am sad. It's hurting."

"Giving him up?" Jasper asked in a guarded tone.

"Hurting him…" He provided pointedly, but then his eyes fell a little. "Giving him up too." He assumed carefully.

"So you don't wanna do this." Jasper's voice was wavering.

Edward got closer and leaned his forehead on Jasper's for a moment before pulling away and looking deeply into his eyes.

"I fell in love with him, Jade… Before you and I became _us_. I love him." He explained with caution in a gentle tone. "It's not even remotely close to the way I love you, and it would never make me give up on us, but still… I have these feelings for him, so of course I'm hurting." He held his brother's face when Jasper looked down, so to make him meet his eyes again. "But it doesn't mean I don't wanna do this, I do, I want to because this is one of the necessary steps for us to be together, and that is what I want the most."

"I'm afraid of how you may feel once you're there with him…" Jasper confessed bluntly, his gaze saddened.

"You shouldn't be. There's nothing for you to worry about, I'm going there to break up with him."

"I know… But I still feel…" Jasper cut himself off and shook his head, looking away once again.

"Insecure?" Edward completed, knowing well how that felt. "Don't." He held his brother's chin and brought his face to his. Their eyes met intensely. "I'm yours, remember? Body and soul."

Jasper nodded softly before their lips locked and they dived into a slow deep serious kiss.

They kissed for a long while, with no hurry, totally absorbed in each other…

Then Edward broke the kiss gently and joined their foreheads.

"I love you." He whispered to his brother. "I'll come back as soon as I finish talking to him."

Jasper opened his eyes and nodded.

"I love you too. Please, be careful?"

It was Edward's turn to nod. He took a long intense look at the man before him, deliberately avoiding the intravenous and the heart monitor wire that were connected to him.

"How do you feel?" His tone came out concerned.

Jasper pursed his lips for an instant and then moistened his them.

"Weird." He answered while shrugging. "My body feels cold and my head is heavy. My lips feel dry too… But those are some of the effects the doctor talked about, so…"

"I'm sorry you had to stay right away… I know spending Christmas Eve in a hospital, being bombarded with heavy medication, seems the worst possible scenario but…"

"The worst part of it is not having you here with me." Jasper spoke before he could finish.

Edward sighed softly.

"I'll be back before you even start to miss me." He said in a light tone, smiling kindly at Jasper, so to soothe him.

It worked as he thought it would, and Jasper smiled back.

"That's kinda impossible, unless you just turn back right after crossing the doorsill." He replied in a loving tone.

Edward chuckled and he chuckled as well. They smiled to each other, conveying through their gazes their mutual sentiment.

Then Edward stood up and walked slowly to the door, turning after opening it.

"I'll call you from there, and you can call me anytime, okay?"

"Just come back as soon as it's done?" Jasper asked in a pleading voice after nodding.

"I will."

Right on cue Carlisle and Esme stepped out of the elevator. Edward glanced at Jasper one last time before walking out of the room. He said goodbye to his parents and promised to call as soon as he arrived at Emmett's sister's house. And then he stepped into the elevator, feeling just a bit anxious about what was to come.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Emmett was waiting for him on the porch of the house, sitting on a large wooden swing with a mug in his hand.

Edward hopped out of the SUV after hanging up the call with his mother and walked hesitantly along the short stone path to the four-step stairs, but his eyes were on Emmett's from the moment they met through the windshield as he parked the car.

"Hey, Blondie." Emmett greeted him as he got closer, a weak smile on his lips.

"Hi, Biggie." Edward greeted back as he stopped in front of Emmett.

"Sit down." Emmett said softly. Edward complied. "How was the trip here?"

"Tranquil." Edward replied simply.

Emmett nodded and sighed before taking a sip from his mug.

"So…" He forced the little word out as his eyes darted away from Edward's face. "You're breaking up with me."

Edward too looked away and released a low exhalation before becoming quiet.

He knew why his eyes welled up with tears, and he also knew it was completely stupid to try and hold them back, but he still did it.

"I want you to know that I love you." He said in a choked voice and looked at Emmett.

He had to wait for a moment until the big guy looked back at him, and when he did, Edward accepted it was no use to restrain his emotion…

Emmett's face was composed, almost placid, but his Amber eyes were glistening strongly with unshed tears.

"It's the first time you say that." He acknowledged in a guarded voice.

"I know." Edward replied in a sad smile. "And I really do."

Emmett nodded, and the movement made one single tear trickle down his face.

"Just not as much as you love Jasper." He said cautiously, in a low tone.

Edward's face fell even more, and he was feeling so bad he didn't even realize some of the tears he'd been holding off slid from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry." He said in a broken murmur.

Emmett looked away again, placing the mug on the floor and bringing his hands to his eyes to dry them.

"That's why you decided to end this, isn't it?" He asked quietly, as if thinking out loud. "You know he feels the same… Did he tell you?" He asked and looked back at Edward.

Edward frowned.

"How did you…"

"I noticed it when he was in Hanover." Emmett explained. "I wasn't a hundred percent sure, but then when he was there for your birthday…" He shrugged. "I could see his sadness when he looked at us… And I could also read the longing whenever he was looking at you."

Nodding, Edward brought his hand to his face and dried his cheeks.

"He actually confessed to me the night before my birthday. But back then we decided not to act on it, for obvious reasons."

"But that changed..." Emmett deduced accurately.

Edward looked down, feeling as guilty as it could get. Hurting Emmett was the last thing he had ever wanted to do, and that was exactly what he had to at that moment.

He looked at his boyfriend as more tears came to his eyes.

"We couldn't…" Edward hesitated and released a puffy breath before continuing. "We couldn't ignore what we feel for each other anymore…"

Emmett's eyes suddenly seemed a little bigger, realizing what was implicit in Edward's careful statement.

"Did you two…" He asked falteringly, dreading Edward's answer.

Edward took a moment to gather some courage, but since he wanted to be fully honest with Emmett...

"We slept together." He said bluntly and took a deep breath as he saw Emmett flinching subtly. "It happened only once, but it defined everything."

After gasping and looking away, Emmett stood up while running his fingers through his hair and walked until the porch railing, leaning on it after resting both his hands on the white wood balustrade.

Edward stood up too, and stepped carefully until he was beside Emmett.

"For what it's worth, I've never intended for that to happen…" His tone was repentant, and made Emmett turn to look at him. "I utterly regret having cheated on you…"

"But you don't regret having had sex with him." Emmett's voice was slightly drier than usual, and his eyes conveyed all the hurt he was feeling.

Edward felt a pang in his heart and his throat felt dry and constricted. But he had gone that far, he was not sugarcoating the truth.

"I don't."

Emmett looked deep into his eyes, then frowned.

"What are you doing, Eddy?" He asked in a skeptical tone. "I understand why you're breaking us up, and if you didn't, I would, but… Are you really aware of what you're doing? 'Cause that's your _brother_." He sighed. "You know I'm not prejudiced, I'm not judging you, far from it, but this situation involves way more than simple family values." He huffed. "You two can be arrested."

"I know all that." Edward said despondently.

"Truthfully… I'm too fuking hurt, as I actually didn't expect to be, and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm fucking angry at you." Emmett spoke bluntly and Edward just nodded. "But I assure you that this is not my pain talking. It's your best friend above anything else… I'm worried about you."

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do, because _stupidly_ I still care…"

"Don't say it's stupid…" Edward tried. "I care about you too, I just told you that I..."

"Love me?" Emmett cut him off harshly. "Obviously not enough to avoid screwing with me."

"I'm sorry." Edward said in a broken whisper as tears streamed down his face. "I wish I had done things differently, but I can't take any of it back. I'm truly sorry."

"It doesn't change what you did." Emmett spoke in a broken voice as well, some tears escaping his eyes.

"I know." Edward affirmed and took a deep breath to calm down. "And I understand if you don't want to see me or speak to me ever again."

Emmett became silent. He straightened up to his full height and looked at Edward from above, his face earnest.

"That's not what I want." He said in a surprisingly soft tone. "But I need some time to heal."

Edward nodded and they shared another pained look before he understood it was time to go. He turned and walked toward the stairs.

"Just so you know…" Edward heard Emmett say as he stepped on the stone path again. He stopped and looked at him. "I love you too."

Edward smiled a saddened smile, and so did Emmett. But right after it, the big guy turned and got into the house without looking back.

About three hours later, Edward got into the hospital room and woke up his father as quietly as possible.

"You can go home, Dad." He said in a very low tone.

Carlisle stretched a little before standing up from the armchair and rested his hand on his son's shoulder.

"Everything okay with Emmett?" He asked softly.

"It will be." Edward answered in a simple manner as he went closer to the bed.

"Your mother will be here in the morning." Carlisle informed. "Take some rest, you seem tired."

Edward just nodded and waited for his father to leave before sitting by his brother's side on the thin mattress.

He softly carded his fingers through Jasper's hair, tucking some strands behind his ears, then he leaned to him and left a gentle kiss on his forehead and a lingering one on his lips.

When he pulled away he saw Jasper slowly open his eyes.

"You're back." He murmured sleepily.

Edward smiled while Jasper rubbed his eyes to get a little more alert.

He took a good careful look at his older brother then.

"You okay?" His voice conveyed his hesitation.

After taking a deep breath, Edward nodded slowly.

"I am."

"You still seem sad."

"I am a little." Edward admitted. "But it will pass."

Jasper nodded slowly too, for a moment at a loss of what exactly he could do to soothe his brother's hurt.

"I was dreaming about you… _Us_ actually." He told in a lighter tone after a moment.

Edward's eyes glinted with curiosity and excitement, and Jasper was glad to realize his attempt had worked.

"Tell me." Edward asked in a genuine smile.

"I don't want to, it was silly." Jasper chuckled while blushing.

Edward's grin broadened and he leaned toward Jasper, capturing his face in between his hands.

"Please, love." He asked in a sweet voice.

Jasper's blush deepened.

"I really like it when you call me that." He confessed.

"I've noticed. And I really like when I make you blush like this. Love." Edward replied.

They chuckled together and Edward kissed Jasper's lips softly before pulling a bit away.

"Please."

"Okay." Jasper gave in. "We were… Getting married."

"Oh." Edward was surprised.

He looked seriously at Jasper for a while, making the younger man feel a little anxious.

"Do you want it?" Edward asked carefully, seeming a little anxious himself.

"Yes." Jasper answered, but it sounded more like a question. "Do you?"

"I've never thought about that before…" Edward responded sincerely. "But… I wanna spend the rest of my life with you so… It makes sense."

Jasper smiled relieved and Edward leaned in.

"The truth is that I want everything with you." He said on his younger brother's lips.

Edward felt Jasper's hand on his nape, his fingers entangling with his hair, and so he closed the small distance between their faces and kissed him.

And for countless minutes they were lost to the world outside their bubble and deeply focused on themselves.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

It was the middle of the morning when Edward, after having a simple breakfast at the cafeteria, stepped out of the elevator.

Immediate and irrational rage took over him as he practically stumbled on Jacob in the corridor.

"You again." He didn't even bother to sound cordial.

Jacob scoffed while shaking his head.

"You're not even ashamed of yourself… Or worried." The brunet spat in a despising tone. "And to think that once I thought you were a good guy."

Edward rolled his eyes at him and smirked.

"I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't really care." He gave back in a disdainful voice.

"Well, you should." Jacob retorted acidly without missing a beat before turning his back to Edward and striding away.

Edward observed him going along the corridor, feeling a little confused, but not enough to disturb his good mood.

At least not until he got back into Jasper's room and saw how scared his baby brother seemed.

"What happened?"He asked urgently as taking rushed steps closer to Jasper.

"He knows. He saw us." Jasper mumbled, clearly distressed.

"What are you talking about? Who knows what?"

"Jacob!" Jasper's voice came out nearly desperate. "He saw us kissing in the pool house."

That was when the penny dropped and Edward realized what Jacob had been talking about minutes earlier.

"That was why he was here?" He asked but didn't really give time for Jasper to answer. "It doesn't matter, don't worry about that."

Jasper widened his eyes at him.

"You're crazy? Don't you know what…" He tried.

But Edward just held his shoulders and looked at him with a gentle gaze.

"So we'll have to talk to our parents before we planned…" He reasoned. "It will be hard but there's no need for desperation."

"Edward, listen to me!" Jasper urged anxiously. "Jacob is going to the police! He's reporting us!"

Feeling as if all his blood had suddenly rushed to his feet, Edward fell silent.


	22. (Feigned) Ignorance is bliss

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Jasper's fingers clenched around Edward's hair, effectively trapping the short dark blond strands between them, as he plunged his tongue deeper into his brother's mouth, deepening the kiss.

Emitting a very soft sound, Edward hummed and tightened the hold he had around Jasper's neck, readily entwining his tongue with his baby brother's and parting his lips more, to grant Jasper better access.

They continued to kiss slowly and profoundly until there was no air left in their lungs.

Jasper broke the kiss gently, with soft nibbles and lingering pecks.

"I'm hot, baby." He whispered as bringing his eyes to Edward's hooded ones.

Immediately, and feeling very surprised, Edward pulled away to stare at him.

"What?" Jasper asked in a kind tone and sweet smile as he noticed the almost baffled face his brother was making.

"You just…" Edward started but promptly interrupted himself.

He didn't want to spoil the moment… It was the first time Jasper had called him "baby" and it had been so natural, so spontaneous, so clearly unpremeditated… Edward just wanted to bask in the emotion that was filling him.

"Nothing." He dismissed in a slightly mesmerized tone. "You think you have a fever?"

Jasper frowned.

"No. Why would you think that?"

"You said you're hot."

Jasper chuckled. Then he looked pointedly to his groin.

Edward followed his stare.

"Oh." He understood what his brother meant and pursed his lips in obvious discontentment. "There's not much we can do about that in here… That damn door doesn't lock and Mom will be around soon."

Jasper directed a skeptical gaze at him.

"We were making out _heavily_ just now." He countered.

Edward sighed and smiled.

"From a kiss, we can get apart pretty easily and fast." He reasoned and then leaned closer to Jasper's face. "Which is definitely _not_ the case if I am sunk deep into you." He whispered suggestively.

Jasper heaved a weighted breath.

"You can't say stuff like that to me when I'm having a boner. You'll give me a heart attack."

Edward chuckled.

And just then, as if to prove Edward right, the door opened and their mother got into the room.

Jasper rushedly straightened up on the bed and bent his knees up so to tent the sheet and hide his predicament.

Edward chuckled once again.

"Good morning, dears." Esme greeted her sons, totally unaware.

"Hey, Mom." Flustered, Jasper said in a hesitant voice.

"G' morning, Mom." Edward replied in nonchalance, and then leaned closer to Jasper, pretending to rearrange his pillows. "You should take a cold shower." He teased his brother in a whisper.

Jasper slapped him on his chest and Edward started to laugh.

"Are you boys fighting?" Esme asked in a smile as she sat on one of the armchairs, finding it funny that they seemed to be bickering like when they were younger.

"Edward is just being an idiot." Jasper explained as he looked pointedly at him.

"I'm just trying to raise your woo.." He chuckled as he noticed Jasper's murderous gaze. "...Mood."

"I'll kill you." Jasper mouthed to him.

Their mother just laughed together with Edward, innocent of the meaning behind her older son's provocation. Then she looked at Edward more incisively and smiled, seeming amused and also content.

"It's so nice to see you happy, Edward." She commented, and Jasper immediately looked at her, as well as Edward. "It's been a long while since the last time I saw your eyes glinting like this."

Edward and Jasper looked at each other, smiling subtly as they realized what their mother was saying was true and knowing well the reason for that.

One of the nurses entered the room at this moment and asked Esme to go to the floor station in order to deal with some bureaucratic matters.

As soon as she left, Jasper punched his brother's arm.

"Ouch." Edward uttered in a mischievous smile and rubbed his hand over the spot. "What was that for?"

"You know what that was for." Jasper said hastily. "Are you crazy? Teasing me like that in front of Mom? She's clueless about us but she's not stupid."

Edward got suddenly serious.

"Well, she'll learn about us soon, anyway." He said despondently, and then his stare became more vehement. "We have to tell them."

Jasper's sighed and his face assumed the same helplessness as his brother's before he bent his head.

"Do you think Jacob has already done it?" He asked without looking at Edward.

"I don't know… But it's been two days, we can't wait any longer." Edward reasoned before gently holding Jasper's chin between his fingers and raising his face. "It's better for Dad to hear it from us than to find it out when his lawyer contacts him about an incest complaint."

"I know… I'm just a bit scared. I thought we would have more time to prepare ourselves for it." Jasper elaborated with his pleading eyes at Edward's understanding ones.

"I thought that too but we'll just have to deal with it." Edward affirmed with calm and confidence.

Jasper sighed again, his eyes welling up with tears as his bottom lip trembled subtly.

Edward joined their foreheads and they closed their eyes.

"Hey, don't worry so much." He asked in a gentle voice before pulling away and looking at Jasper with kindness. "No matter what happens or how Mom and Dad will react or what they will do… We're together, we'll remain together, and I will protect you, okay?"

Jasper nodded and released a shaky breath.

"I just don't want anything or anybody to force us apart." It came out in a whisper.

"That's not gonna happen." Edward's affirmation was earnest, firm. "I won't let it happen, I promise."

"I love you." Jasper uttered as some tears escaped his eyes.

Edward ran his thumbs under them.

"I love you." He said before leaning in.

As their lips were about to touch they heard a click… The door was opening.

They pulled apart just seconds before their mother came back in.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Do you have it?" Edward spoke urgently on the phone.

"Yes, I've just received it." Maxwell, one of his internship mates, answered secretively on the other end. "I've talked to Gunther, he'll test the samples."

"When do you think I can get an answer?"

"Three, maybe four days." Maxwell replied in the same hushed voice. "He won't be here tomorrow, he's off duty, that's why I can't rush things."

"It's okay, Max, I can wait." Edward said a little more calmly. "You're helping me a lot already." He added in a grateful tone.

"Don't mention it. You helped me with that kid's case… This is nothing in comparison to what you did for me."

"Let's call it even, then." Edward suggested as his eyes roamed the hospital corridor. "Just, please, make sure the results don't go into the database."

"Consider it done. I'll call you as soon as I have them."

"Thanks again, Max."

"No problem."

Edward hung up the call feeling restless again. His mind was reeling, overwhelmed with every single thing that was happening at the same time.

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his mouth, compelling himself to calm down at least a little. Then he got back into the room, pushing away his anxiety and smiling to Angela, that was sitting next to Jasper on the thin hospital bed mattress.

"Can I tell him?" Edward heard her asking Jasper in a low voice.

Jasper nodded as Edward furrowed his brows confused.

Angela looked at him with a serious face.

"I talked to Jacob."

Edward's eyes darted to Jasper's, questionative and acute.

"She knows about us." Jasper clarified calmly.

Gasping quietly, Edward's eyes moved back to Angela's placid face.

"Don't worry. I'm Jasper's best friend, all I want is for him to be happy." She assured, her gaze kind and compassionate.

"I know." Edward, at last, was able to speak. "I'm just…"

"Surprised. I understand."

"I told her about Jacob that day." Jasper filled his brother in. "Since she's close to him too."

"So I could try and intervene." Angela completed.

Edward parted his lips a little wilder in order to release a puff of air and carded his fingers through his hair slowly, assimilating all the information.

"Okay… And?" He urged.

"He did try to report you both… But he wasn't able to." Angela provided. "The police asked for evidence."

Edward looked at Jasper, not really registering the desolation on his face.

"He doesn't have it." He concluded in a small smile.

"Yet." Angela added in a firm tone.

A heavy silence fell as Edward brought his stare back to Angela… But it lasted half a minute.

"He's going to your father." Angela informed him cautiously, and Jasper bent his head. "He's probably already there with him."

Edward dropped his eyes to the floor and felt as if the air in his lungs had been punched out of him… He felt dizzy and disoriented for some seconds… Before he got a hold of himself.

His eyes darted randomly for a moment, and then he focused them at Jasper.

"I'll do this myself." He stated.

"Edward, no, we're both involved, we should do this together." Jasper tried to reason in an afflicted voice.

"There's no time for it." He shook his head, his eyes despondent. "And I'm the one responsible for all this mess, anyway…"

That said he turned to the door.

"Edward." Jasper called him.

But for the very first time in their lives, Edward ignored his baby brother and thundered out of the room, determined to deal with the problem on his own.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Forcing himself not to run, to walk normally and to seem as if nothing much was happening, Edward crossed the large hall between the elevators and his father's office.

He took various deep breaths along the way before he approached Eileen, Carlisle's secretary.

The mid-fifties elegant woman looked at him with her warm smile and kind eyes.

"Edward!" She sounded accurately surprised, Edward didn't go there much.

"Hey, Eileen." He greeted sheepishly.

"Boy, you indeed grew up." She laughed softly as she got up from her seat to give him a hug.

Edward hugged her back as she patted his back. When she held his face he smiled, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Last time I saw you, you were already a young man, but now, look at you, you are a full grown-up."

He smiled again, as kindly as he could. Eileen was his father's secretary for as long as Edward could remember, and she had always been really nice to him. So, although he was in a hurry, he couldn't bring himself to rush the woman.

Thankfully, her surprise seemed to be indulged enough, and she went back to her seat after a gentle pat on Edward's shoulder.

"Let me tell your father you're here." She said as she took the phone.

"No need." Edward spoke fast but controlling his tone not to sound harsh. "If he's alone I can just go in there."

"Of course." The woman agreed in another smile. "So go ahead, he is free right now."

Edward sighed in relief discreetly. But before he could go through the intimidating oak door, he looked at Eileen with a nonchalant countenance.

"Was a man named Jacob here earlier today?" He asked in the most natural voice he could muster. "He's a friend."

Eileen smiled once again.

"Oh, yes. You've just missed him. He left some minutes ago."

Feeling as if his heart had stopped for a couple of seconds, Edward was suddenly livid. Eileen hurried to him.

"Are you okay, dear? You are so pale!"

Edward shook off the dread and forced a smile.

"I'm okay, just a head rush." He said in a weak voice as he rubbed his palm over his forehead. "Haven't eaten yet."

"I can arrange something for you, what would you like? A sandwich? Some juice?"

"No need, Eileen. I'll have lunch soon. But thanks. I'll go see my father now."

The woman nodded but kept her eyes on him until he opened the office door cautiously.

Edward found his father standing before the large windows behind his desk.

Carlisle had his back to him, so he couldn't guess his expression… But Edward knew his father well enough to recognize the meaning behind some of his behaviors, and whenever Carlisle was silently looking through windows he was mulling over something he had to deal with cautiously.

That made Edward tense. He concluded his father knew the truth already… He was late.

He held his breath as Carlisle turned around.

"Edward." He uttered in surprise. "I didn't hear you coming in."

Carlisle looked at him placidly, waiting… Edward got deeply puzzled.

"I-I need to talk to you." He stuttered a little, not knowing how to begin.

His father nodded, pulled his chair and sat, all the while looking unconcerned.

"Take a seat, son."

Every step Edward took felt as if he was carrying a thousand kilos. He was definitely not prepared to disclose the whole truth to his father and, with some astonishment, he realized he wished Carlisle had already found it out.

As he sat and his father smiled softly at him he got even more confused.

 _Why is he so calm?_ He thought, feeling increasingly anguished.

"Did you come from the hospital?" Carlisle asked, his voice normal, steady.

"Y-yes." Edward stuttered yet again.

"Is everything okay with your brother?" And there his tone was slightly inflected with worry.

"Yeah, Jasper's fine." Edward hurried to assure.

Carlisle then leaned on the backrest of his chair, holding his hands together by crossing their fingers and resting them over his stomach.

"So what's it that you need to talk to me?" He asked in the same unaffected voice.

Edward felt apprehensive, he didn't know what to say… He wasn't sure Jacob had said anything since his father was so serene, and he was definitely not prepared to come clean about his and his brother's romance… Not yet, not if it wasn't extremely necessary.

He saw his father raising his eyebrows questioningly at him.

"I-I… I think I'm gonna postpone my leave for a little longer." It was the first thing that came to his mind. "And in January, after graduation… I'm moving back." And that was a last-minute decision on something he'd been thinking over and over since the night he spent with his brother.

Something flickered in Carlisle's eyes, although he remained undisturbed, and Edward caught that, he just could not tell what it was about.

"Have you thought this over?" The older man asked in a light tone.

"Yes." Edward lied.

"I recall you've had a job offer from the hospital where you're doing the internship." He pointed out as leaning forward and placing his hands on the table, looking at Edward attentively. Edward only nodded. "So you'll give that up." He didn't ask.

Edward sighed, looked down for an instant, and then looked confidently at his father.

"Jasper is more important." He clarified simply, his eyes glinting.

It was Carlisle's turn to sigh, and he did so in a heavy way, proving to Edward that there was something in his mind and it was definitely related to his secret.

"You really do love your brother… Don't you?" It sounded like a rhetorical question to Edward, and the fierce stare Carlisle was directed at him told him he was certainly being scrutinized by his father.

He took a deep breath, decided not to shy away from that cue.

"With everything I am." He answered confidently.

Father and son shared an acute look… And although no words were exchanged, both deduced the depth of each other's knowledge regarding the situation.

Then Carlisle's gaze became kind, compassionate.

"Is there something you wanna tell me, son?" He asked in a careful and loving voice. Edward just kept staring at him. "You know you can tell me anything." He assured as the space between his eyebrows wrinkled and his face assumed an understanding countenance.

For a moment Edward considered opening up… But then he remembered Jasper's words, and since the situation didn't seem so critical, he concluded it was not the right moment.

"I just wanted to tell you about my decision." He said after more minutes than really expected to answer such a simple question.

Carlisle's eyes seemed sad all of a sudden. Edward felt a pinch in his heart but dismissed the emotion.

"I have to go back…" Edward rushed to say, impatient to get out of his father's presence and the discomfort it was causing him. "I left him with Angela and she must have other things to do…"

Nodding, Carlisle tried to smile.

"Since your mom is out of town, I'll go there as soon as I leave here." He informed. "I know you're tired. You need to go home for a little."

"It's okay, Dad, you can go home, I'll stay with Jade. I won't be able to sleep if I'm not there with him, anyway." Edward affirmed naturally, without really measuring his words.

Once again Edward caught the unrecognizable emotion that flickered in his father's eyes… It made him uneasy.

"All right then." Carlisle said in a heavy exhalation. "I'll see you in the morning."

Edward nodded and got up from the chair, leaving the office in a heartbeat and without looking back.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Your ass is so beautiful…" Edward murmured to himself as his brother dried himself with a towel.

Jasper chuckled and shook his head without stopping his motions, which told Edward he'd heard his words.

"What? I can't compliment your body?" Edward asked in a smile Jasper couldn't see since he had his back to his older brother.

Jasper put on a clean hospital gown and turned to him.

"Of course you can, it's all yours." He clarified in a large grin. "I just find your dazzled voice funny.

Edward threw a pillow at him, but Jasper caught it before it could reach him. Jasper sat on the bed and pressed the nurse call button.

A nurse came in and rearranged his saline intravenous infusion and the heart monitor on his forefinger under Edward's close supervision. Then she left the brothers alone.

Edward sat on the mattress turned to Jasper and tucked his brother's hair behind his ears.

"I think I'm in love with your ass." He said seriously before gliding his teeth along his bottom lip.

They both chuckled.

"I know that very well." Jasper replied in the same provocative manner.

"I love your whole body actually." Edward affirmed while looking deeply into his eyes.

"Yeah. I know that well too." Jasper gave back in a cocky tone.

Edward backed away in mocking surprise.

"Conceited much?"

"I'm not conceited, I just know you are crazy about it. It's not like you're discreet on your appreciation… You're always ogling me when you have the chance." Jasper clarified as naturally as it could get.

"Oh yeah, smarty-pants?" Edward defied him with one arched eyebrow.

"Yeah, Mr. horny."

"I'm Mr. horny? Says the one that had a boner just because of a kiss this morning." Edward retorted with a smile playing on the corner of his lips.

They chuckled again.

"In my defense that was not just a simple kiss."

Edward chuckled lightly and shook his head.

"But seriously, you're not discreet. At all. I can even tell which parts you like the best."

Edward licked his lips.

"Try me." He defied his brother again.

"Okay…" Jasper agreed while straightening up in the bed. "I'll mention just the ones that drive you crazy the most, in descending order."

Edward nodded and smiled.

"My forearms… and my hands."

Edward nodded.

"My chest… My thighs."

Edward wiggled his eyebrows. Jasper chuckled a little.

"My navel, my ass, my neck."

Edward licked his lips. Jasper sighed.

"You love my hair, and you love even more to entangle your fingers with it, and pull it."

They chuckled and Edward nodded effusively.

"And you're insane about my mouth… And my lips." He concluded as his eyes darted away a bit as he felt timid. "Did I get anything wrong?" He questioned after bringing his eyes back to Edward's.

The older one shook his head.

"No… You just forgot to mention the one part I love the most."

And as saying that, Edward intensified his gaze to make his brother understand what he was talking about.

Jasper sighed, understanding, and smiled softly.

"My eyes."

"Yeah…" Edward confirmed in a tender voice. "It was them, you know… And it has always been them."

Jasper furrowed his eyebrows in question.

"What made me fall in love with you." Edward clarified with love written all over his face.

Jasper sat up slowly, leaning towards Edward. Edward held him by the waist and neck and rested Jasper's head on his shoulder.

"When was it…?" The younger one asked in a whisper. "When did you first realize you loved me this way?

Edward smiled softly although Jasper could not see and closed his eyes, remembering.

"I was nineteen… You were only fifteen. I had you in my arms, sleeping soundly…"

Jasper pulled away briskly and looked at Edward in sheer surprise. Edward looked at him placidly.

"The night of that storm?"

"Yeah…" He confirmed.

Jasper's smile was content.

"Do you remember what I told you about that night?"

"Yeah, that it was after it that you started to suspect you were gay." Edward answered with a matching smile.

Jasper nodded. Edward got serious.

"That night I realized I was in love with you… But I think I fell for you even before I could understand what that meant." He said as if confessing a secret.

Jasper frowned confused again.

"I don't have many memories from my early childhood… But this one memory… I remember it crystal clear, even though I was just a four-year-old." Edward explained carefully. "The first time I met you… You were just this tiny baby… But you looked at me, really looked at my eyes, focused on them with your big green ones…" He gasped subtly while shaking his head. "That was the moment I felt the happiest I can remember I had ever felt before." He smiled timidly. "I know it sounds crazy… But I really believe that the seed was planted that day, that moment… And I was lost to anybody else because… All my heart could see was you."

Jasper gasped as his eyes filled with tears.

"I love you." He said, sounding mesmerized.

Edward nodded subtly.

"I love you too."

They held each other for a while, before sharing a deep kiss.

Differently from all the other times, they never heard the soft click of the door when it opened, or the equal sound it made when it was closed gently.

Behind it, Carlisle covered his face with both his hands as heaving a deep breath.

As he walked away from the room, he replayed in his head the conversation he had overheard.

######

A/N: Just letting you know that we are approaching the ending. And also, there's a new chapter posted for "Once again", check that out.


	23. Kairos

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"We won't be able to get married there either, but… At least we won't spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulders." Jasper finished explaining in his low husky voice.

Edward smiled softly while drawing idle circles on the back of Jasper's hand.

"How do you know all that about Hanover law?" He asked gently.

"Angela." Jasper clarified in a smile. "She researched a lot about incest laws, trying to find a way out for us… And it came out kinda great, didn't it? It's where you live, where you'll work..."

"She really cares about you." Edward added in an afterthought.

"She does." Jasper acknowledged in a sigh.

"So… There we could live together without worrying about getting arrested." Edward wanted to confirm.

"Yeah… It's one of the few places where incest is not really a crime."

As Jasper dropped his stare to their joined hands, Edward took a deep breath in and let out what popped into his mind without a filter.

"Everything would be so easy if one of us were adopted…" He said in a very low voice without really intending to test his brother… Just suddenly overwhelmed with the anxiety caused by the possibility that had been hovering over them without Jasper's awareness.

Jasper scoffed, and that made Edward feel ambiguous. He looked at his baby brother with a slight frown.

"I would never wish for that." He said seriously, still focused on the subtle motions of Edward's thumb.

"Why not?" Edward asked carefully. "We wouldn't have to face so much trouble to be together."

Jasper finally looked at him.

"That's true." He agreed with clear hesitation. "But can you imagine losing the pillar of your whole life just like this?" He asked arching one eyebrow and snapping his fingers. "I don't know about you, but I would feel totally lost, I wouldn't know who I was anymore."

"Being adopted is not a bad thing." Edward countered gently.

"It isn't. It's actually a great thing." Jasper agreed. "If you know about it all along."

"It wouldn't change anything really…" Edward argued with kindness. "Family is family, and the love that binds parents and children doesn't really depend on DNA. Besides, we would be able to be together without facing prejudice and stupid laws… We wouldn't feel guilty about loving each other."

"I don't feel guilty about loving you." Jasper stated firmly, and Edward blushed subtly. "And I wouldn't change a thing. It is a complex situation, but I would never wish for it to be different, at least not in that way… Because that would mean my whole life has been a lie, that our parents have been lying to me for twenty-two years… That I was rejected by my real parents before I was even born… I would be crushed."

Edward's heart was suddenly heavy… Hearing his brother's words, the earnest way he voiced them, his injected eyes and the seriousness with which he talked about that… Edward was promptly certain that Jasper would definitely not be able to handle well the confirmation of his suspicions.

He swallowed hard and sighed, his mind reeling.

"You would eventually get over it." And right then he tested. "If that was the case."

"I'm not so sure." Jasper affirmed while averting his eyes. "Just thinking about the hypothesis makes me feel deeply sad."

Staring at his brother in plain fear, Edward considered opening up about his inkling… It's was better to prepare him for what was about to come… Probably.

His phone went off as he opened his mouth to speak, and it really seemed like a sign as he read his college mate's name on the screen.

"I need to take this outside." He said rushedly to Jasper before leaving the room.

Once more he swallowed hard and took another deep breath.

"Hey, Edward. I have the results." Max provided as soon as Edward said hello. "Do you want me to read them for you?"

"Sure."

Edward closed his eyes, for he had a very strong idea of what he was about to hear.

"Neither of the samples match the subject, which means…"

And he opened his eyes feeling his stomach dropping.

"Neither of them are the subject's parents." Edward completed with immediate sadness.

"Exactly."

He took a weighted breath in.

"How many tests did Gunther run?"

"He did the whole package deal. The results are consistent and definitive."

As his heart seemed smaller and his throat constricted, Edward tried to push away the prospects of Jasper's reaction once he learned about that.

"Thanks, Max." He said despondently.

"No problem, man."

After disconnecting the call and sinking his phone in his pocket, Edward held his head with both his hands and bent it while closing his eyes once again.

He thought he was supposed to feel happy about the news… Jasper wasn't his biological brother, they were not blood-related, they were absolutely free to love each other and be together, without guilt, without shame, without worry…

Then why wasn't he feeling the relief he had believed he would feel? Why was he afraid that that information would make the whole situation even worse?

Instead of happiness and solace, he was taken over by dread and anguish… His head was spinning and his whole chest felt so heavy he was having a hard time to breathe.

He tried to see what the next step was…

He couldn't think of anything. He came out empty.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Carlisle settled the small suitcase on the floor as Edward helped Jasper get to his bed.

The younger man was weak… So weak his legs were wobbling as he sat on the mattress.

"You okay?" Edward asked in a kind tone, resting his hand on Jasper's shoulder lightly.

"I feel nauseous." Jasper replied in a barely-there voice.

"Lie down and breathe slowly. I'll bring the antiemetic."

"No, no more medication, please." Jasper said as laying down, squeezing his eyes shut.

"I'll get the ginger candy then." Edward said to himself.

Jasper scrunched up his nose.

Edward sighed in both, frustration and concern. He looked at his father.

"Dad, can you ask Mom to make a peppermint tea?"

Carlisle nodded before getting closer to the bed with a deeply concerned countenance. He carded his fingers slowly through Jasper's hair as looking sadly at his second son, who was still with his eyes forcefully closed.

Following his father's hand movement and seeing what came out entwined with his fingers once he retrieved it, Edward felt even more anguished than he had been since he got the DNA test results three days before…

Carlisle clenched his fingers around the long blond strands in his palm and gazed at his older son with downcast eyes.

Edward closed his for a brief moment, sighed for what seemed to him to be the millionth time, and sat beside his brother on the bed.

No more words were exchanged… And Carlisle left his sons without letting go of the strands of Jasper's hair he had in his hand.

"Love…" Edward uttered so softly, Jasper almost missed it.

The younger man opened his eyes and looked at his older brother with his gaze pouring sweetness and longing. He smiled a soft smile.

"Tell me what I can do." Edward's voice sounded pleading.

Jasper sighed.

"Stay with me."

"I'm here." Edward stated assertively. "Not going anywhere."

"Then it's all good." Jasper replied as reaching for his older brother's hand.

They shared this stare full of love and unspoken promises…

"Do you wanna take a shower? I'll help you."

Jasper shook his head subtly.

"Too tired…"

"So sleep for a little."

"Nah… Sleeping is all I seem to do lately." Jasper dismissed lightly before yawning.

"Because you're tired, love…" Edward argued in a loving tone.

The tenderness in his words made Jasper smile more profusely and raise his hands to Edward's neck, bringing him closer.

They kissed gently and parted before deepening the contact.

Then Edward got up.

"Where are you going?" Jasper asked.

"I'll just put on some music." Edward clarified as approaching Jasper's desk and his iPod. "Requests?"

"Anything is fine."

It took Jasper a moment to notice his brother's body and posture.

"You look thinner." He said worriedly. "And exhausted."

"I'm fine, don't worry about me." Edward said with a small smile as looking at Jasper over his shoulder.

The silence was relatively comfortable between them as Edward selected one of Jasper's playlists and the first song started to play. The brothers' smiles to each other were simple and honest as the older one walked back.

Jasper straightened up on the bed and leaned on the headboard. In a very natural gesture, he carded his fingers through his hair, to push back the strands that had cascaded around his face…

Edward sat on the mattress turned to him, feeling immediately anguished as he noticed his brother's spontaneous motion.

Suddenly serious, Jasper brought his hand before him and looked at the significant amount of hair strands on his palm and entwined with his fingers.

Edward felt his stomach dropping but waited for his brother's reaction...

"I want it to be you to shave it." Jasper spoke in a low, detached tone, his eyes hard although glossy at his hand. Then he looked at Edward and his gaze softened, became slightly saddened. "Will you?"

Edward just nodded as a single tear ran down his face. Jasper collected it delicately with the tip of his finger.

"It's just hair, baby…" He soothed his brother. "It will grow back."

"I know." Edward whispered and then smiled sadly. "I should be the one reassuring you, not the other way around."

Jasper chuckled lightly.

"We're so messed up, huh?"

Edward nodded again, slowly, as Jasper took hold of his neck and brought his face closer again.

Their lips met gently, molding against each other unhurriedly and parting in sync to allow their tongues to touch.

The exchange went on for a little while at a soft pace… It was a deep, serious kiss full of affection, and the brothers were completely focused on one another, anything else unimportant and disregarded.

As the kiss softly came to an end, Edward wrapped his arms around Jasper, who rested his chin on his brother's shoulder having his eyes still closed.

They remained in the embrace, taking in each other's scent and feeling one another's heartbeats.

Naturally, after a while, Jasper opened his eyes… And flinched as he saw his father standing on the doorway.

"Dad." He uttered, taken aback.

Edward's body got rigid, he didn't move. For a tenuous instant, he felt terrified of how much Carlisle had seen… But then he remembered the truth he had learned and kept to himself for the time being… And he relaxed, knowing he and Jasper were doing nothing wrong.

"Your tea." Carlisle said in his normal tone as his sons pulled away from each other and he got closer to them.

Edward stood up and his eyes met his father's… They exchanged a lingering look but not a word was said, and Edward couldn't read the emotion behind the dark blue irises... Carlisle sat where Edward was before and offered the mug to Jasper.

"You're very pale, son." He said with his usual loving tone. "You need to rest."

Jasper tried to say something, but his mind was still revolving around the idea of his father having seen the kiss. He reached for the mug though, in an automatic gesture.

"You're shaking…" He heard his father say in a low voice. "What are you feeling?"

"I-I'm okay."

Carlisle exhaled heavily, and his eyes assumed this saddened glint.

"Drink the tea and try to sleep for a bit, okay?" He asked kindly and Jasper nodded. "I'll be at my office downstairs if you need me, and your mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner."

Jasper nodded again before Carlisle got up looking at him, sporting a smile that definitely didn't reach his eyes.

Edward brought his gaze to his father as he felt Carlisle's hand on his shoulder.

"You should rest a little as well, you seem really tired." He said in the same gentle tone.

As Jasper, Edward just nodded before averting his eyes.

Sooner than they expected, their father was gone and they were alone again.

"Do you think he saw us?" Jasper asked rushedly, his eyes bigger and glinting with tears of fear.

Although Edward was feeling this weird sensation in the pit of his stomach, he smiled reassuringly.

"He didn't, don't worry."

"I don't want him to find out this way." Jasper explained in a pained voice.

Edward sat beside him and held his face gently.

"So we need to tell him." He stated pointedly. "We can't keep postponing it, we've waited long enough."

"I know, but I…"

"What are you afraid of?" Edward asked with a hint of impatience underlying his tone. "You were the one who wanted me to give up everything, who said that would face anything to have me… Where did that courage go?"

Jasper bent his head.

A twinkling tear slid along his smooth cheek, and Edward felt stupid for saying what he had.

"I just don't wanna lose my family when I don't know how long I have…" Jasper practically whispered, then looked at his brother. "I know what I said… The promises I made to you… And I meant them… I just…"

"I'm sorry, Jade." Edward interrupted him. "I'm so stupid, I'm sorry, I'm being selfish…"

"You're not. You're actually right."

"No. It's not the best moment, and I don't wanna add to what you're going through… Just… Please, forget what I said. We'll wait like I said we would."

"I love you, Tonton." Jasper vowed as tears streamed down his eyes. "But I love them too and I need them, I really do." His voice broke and he sobbed. "I feel so scared, Edward."

And then he was full-on crying.

Edward took the mug out of his hands and placed it on the bedside table before wrapping his arms tightly around him.

"Shhhh…" He soothed. "It's okay… It'll be okay, you won't lose them, I promise."

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Since Jasper was too debilitated to go anywhere, the Cullens decided to have an intimate dinner for New Year's Eve. Esme had prepared everything he liked and would serve the meal at the main balcony, where they had a broader view of the sky and would be able to enjoy from afar some of the city's fireworks.

She sipped her wine as she sat on the chaise lounge closer to the balustrade and sighed, her gaze far away. Carlisle sat near her feet and rested one of his hands on her shin.

"Don't you think it is unfair to them?" Esme asked in a pensive tone.

"I'm just trying to protect our children." Carlisle replied without looking at her, his downcast eyes gazing at the marble floor.

"And us." Esme added, looking at him with an arched brow.

Carlisle looked at her, haggard.

"Do you think I'm being selfish?" His tone was extremely disheartened, contrite.

Esme didn't answer. She too felt ambiguous about the whole situation.

They were silent for a long while, both deep in thought.

"Our boys are just like you, Carl…" Esme broke the quietness with those sighed words. "A hundred percent heart. And Jasper is the tough one out of them, he will never yield…"

"I know…" Carlisle replied, heaving a long breath. "That's why I need to make _Edward_ understand."

"Edward will not yield either, my dear…" Esme countered in a saddened smile. "Although he is as rational as you are, you know he will always do whatever Jasper wants him to."

"Jazzy has always been his Achilles' heel, hasn't he?" Carlisle asked rhetorically, his eyes dropping to the floor once again. "But maybe that's exactly how I can get through to him…"

Once more they fell silent.

Carlisle stood up and walked to the balustrade, where he rested his hands before turning his face up at the night sky.

"We should've noticed it a long time ago…" He heard his wife say.

He nodded despondently.

"We should have… But then again, they were not aware… So how could we?"

Carlisle turned to her and they looked at each other for a couple of minutes, worry marring their faces.

"What about Jacob?" Esme asked in a low, secretive voice and guarded eyes.

After some seconds, Carlisle exhaled heavily.

"That's taken care of…"

Esme nodded and sipped some more of her wine slowly.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper stared at the long blond strands scattered over the porcelain tiles… He squeezed his eyes, forcing the humidity out of them, and sighed very subtly so not to alert Edward as the tears silently rolled down his face.

As the low buzzing sound of the hair clipper faded, his heart felt a bit smaller…

It was done, and he felt as if a part of him had been lost.

Strong, long warm arms wrapped around him, and Jasper sighed again before holding on to them.

"Let's go shower." Edward's whispered voice caressed his ear and he closed his eyes for a moment.

Jasper nodded, and Edward let go of him, straightening up and waiting. After standing up and turning around slowly, Jasper looked up and faced his brother, not trying to hide the tears trickling down his slightly blushed cheeks. His surprise was finding Edward's face as stained with silent tears as his was.

They shared a look full of care and understanding before undressing unhurriedly and quietly.

Hand in hand, Edward and Jasper got in the shower stall… The older one turned on the hot water after closing the etched glass door and embraced the younger one tenderly.

Holding Edward back with the same affection, Jasper rested his forehead on his brother's chest and gave in to the sadness. Little by little his sobs became more pronounced…

Edward tightened his hold around Jasper's trembling body as he cried, and quietly allowed the water to wash away his tears.

Once the crying subsided, Edward pulled away and gently washed Jasper's head and body. He helped the younger man when he tried to reciprocate the kindness but wasn't able to do it thoroughly due to his weakened state.

They got out, Edward wrapped a towel around his hips and another around Jasper's body, they moved to the bedroom again hand in hand, Edward sat Jasper on the bed and dried him before picking up some clothes on the dresser and helping him put them on… He dried himself and got dressed under the gentle gaze of his baby brother… All along without exchanging a single word.

Then Edward sat on the bed turned to Jasper and held his face between his hands. He looked at the younger one for a long while, his eyes watching carefully every little detail on the delicate face he loved.

"You're beautiful." He said in a low tone.

A spontaneous smile graced Jasper's face as he slightly blushed, feeling surprisingly shy.

"I'm bald and skinny." Jasper countered, but his smile never faded. "I have dark circles under my sunken eyes and I look as pale as a ghost… You can't possibly be serious."

Edward chuckled.

"You still look beautiful to me, love." He affirmed in a soft smile.

Jasper sighed and turned serious while looking away. Edward waited.

"I don't wanna go downstairs." He said after a while.

"You're still afraid?" Edward asked kindly and Jasper nodded. "There's nothing to worry about, Jade… If Dad had seen us he would have reacted completely differently from how he did."

"I just have this bad feeling…"

It was Edward's turn to sigh.

"It's still early… You can stay here for another couple of hours. I'll tell them you're sleeping."

"You're going now?" Jasper asked softly and Edward nodded. "Stay here with me." He kind of pleaded.

"I have to go down for a bit, love…" Edward clarified cautiously. "There's something I need to do."

"What is it?" Jasper asked as carefully as Edward had spoken, feeling a little wary.

Edward took a little longer than necessary to answer because, in reality, he didn't want Jasper to know he was going to try to gauge how much his father had noticed earlier… In fact, he was still a bit suspicious that Carlisle knew more than he was letting on. After all, Jacob had been with him that day, and he was fairly certain that Jasper's ex-boyfriend would not have missed the opportunity to try and snitch on them.

"I need to talk to Mom and Dad about postponing my leave." He lied with a heavy heart, not wanting to burden Jasper with the truth.

Jasper seemed resigned.

"Will you take long to come back?"

Edward shook his head and smiled subtly before kissing his forehead.

"I won't." He promised. "Try to rest." He kind of demanded in a gentle tone.

Jasper nodded and watched him go before lying down.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Where's Mom?" Edward asked as he got to the balcony.

Carlisle turned to him and smiled softly.

"She went in a while ago, to take a shower." He answered naturally as Edward leaned on the balustrade by his side.

Edward nodded and looked at his father with guarded eyes. Carlisle held his gaze with an attentive one for a brief moment before his countenance assumed this earnest expression.

"I saw it." He said in a steady although careful tone.

Edward felt his heart thundering in his chest but remained impassive.

"I thought I had raised you both well…" Carlisle said in a tone Edward wasn't able to recognize. "I thought you both knew you could trust me and tell me anything…"

Inexplicably, Edward felt his whole body get suddenly cold, a fainting sensation taking over him… But he found strength in his love for Jasper and in his determination to do whatever for them to remain together… And he got a hold of himself.

A heavy silence fell around them…

Father and son turned to each other and stared fiercely into one another's eyes.

"I'll give you one more chance, to be honest with me…" Carlisle stated earnestly, his stare a little hard on Edward's. "Is there something you want to tell me, son?"

And knowing it was no use to try to conceal it any longer, Edward took a deep breath in and filled his chest.

"Jasper and I are together, Dad." He spoke confidently, even though his hands were shaking like a leaf. "We're a couple."

Edward's statements lingered in the air between them as they stared at each other.


	24. Broken secrets

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

"I assumed as much." Carlisle said detachedly after a minute.

Then he sighed heavily and turned to the balustrade, resting his hands calmly on the stone railing.

Edward felt weird… The weirdest he had ever felt in his life. There was this feeling of inadequacy and shame mixed with fear and sadness although he was well aware he had done absolutely nothing wrong.

And as Carlisle took more minutes to react in any way, the sensations in Edward seemed to intensify… Until he could not take it anymore.

"We're in love, father." He justified in what sounded as a repentant tone. "We love each other truly, we don't know how it happened but what we feel is…"

"Real." Carlisle affirmed placidly before his son could finish the sentence, still looking away from him. "How long?"

Edward released a weighted breath, his hands trembling so much he had to hold them together. He looked down at the floor.

"Jasper's not sure…" He said hesitantly. "And I… I fell for him seven… Nine years ago? I'm not sure anymore, it seems to me I've been in love with him my whole life."

At last, Carlisle turned to his son again, his movement making Edward raise his eyes to his face.

"What I meant was…" Carlisle spoke slowly, looking at him attentively. "How long have you two been together?"

Edward's throat seemed constricted for no apparent reason.

"That's... Recent… About a week." He answered in a choked voice.

Carlisle's eyes were suddenly fierce in Edward's. He stared deeply into his son's eyes before speaking again.

"You've slept together." It wasn't a question, and Carlisle's expression was intimidating.

Again, even though he knew there was nothing reprehensible in what he and Jasper had done, Edward felt deeply inappropriate. He made a huge effort to keep holding his father's stare.

"Once." He provided as if to assuage the weight of the occurrence.

Apparently to maintain control, Carlisle closed his eyes and released a puff of air.

"So I suppose you went to see Emmet in order to break up with him." He looked back at Edward.

"Yes." Edward confirmed with a nod.

"Did you tell him the reason?" Carlisle arched his eyebrows questioningly.

"He has known about my feelings for Jasper for some time… It wasn't difficult for him to deduce why I was ending things."

Carlisle carded his fingers through his hair and sighed once more, his face showing he was way beyond concerned.

"This is very serious, Edward."

Despite the turmoil inside him, Edward was decided to remain honest and clear about everything.

"I know, Dad." He took a deep breath before starting to explain in a passionate tone. "But I'm serious about him, as he is about me. We're not fooling around or indulging some reckless curiosity, we're not trying to be rebels and defy you and Mom, we want to be together for real, we love each other… So much."

Carlisle's gaze flickered with what Edward assumed to be compassion and his countenance softened.

"I can see that, son, but you two…" He sighed despondently. "You two can't..."

"No." Edward cut him off immediately, his face assuming an earnest and confident expression although his heart was thundering in his chest. "You will not tell me we can't be together because we can, and you know it."

"Edward…" Carlisle tried as straightening up and directing a more intense look at him.

"I'm sorry, father," Edward shook his head as raising his hands between them. "I don't want to disrespect you, but I won't back down…"

Carlisle took a step closer to him and held his shoulders with firm hands.

"You don't understand, son…" His voice was steady and subtly severe.

Edward straightened up to his full height and, for the first time since that conversation had started, he was totally focused on what was more important to him… And that was to remain with Jasper.

"Nothing you say can make me budge, so don't even try."

Right then Carlisle lost his endless calm and composure. Edward saw clearly when he turned from the normally loving caring father to the highest authority of the family.

But by then he had already regained his confidence and was feeling strong enough to act adamantly.

So he spoke before Carlisle even opened his mouth.

"I know he's not my brother, Dad!" His voice firm, his face in a frown.

A heavy tense silence fell over them… And Carlisle's intimidating stance vanished as had appeared, giving room to an astonished countenance.

It took him some minutes to recover. Once he did, he shook his head while releasing a breathy chuckle that, to Edward, sounded dry and skeptical.

"Somehow I always suspected that you would find out about this at some point…" He seemingly spoke to himself, but Edward was able to hear it.

Carlisle sighed and became serious again.

"He _is_ your brother though." He stated.

"I have DNA test results that prove it wrong." Edward countered.

Carlisle exhaled slowly.

"He may not be biologically connected to you… But he's still your brother."

"Just because he was raised as my sibling…"

"That… And the fact that legally he is your parents' son." Carlisle reasoned calmly.

"A paper doesn't make our love wrong." Edward argued, his voice rising up just a little.

"It doesn't." Carlisle agreed, but with obvious caution. "However…"

"We're not real brothers and a simple document can't take away our right to be together." Edward insisted.

"It…" Carlisle tried again.

"Just don't, Dad." Once more, Edward cut him off. And suddenly he started to rant. "I won't give him up, there's nothing you can say or use as argument that will make me leave him, I did it once for the sake of everybody else, but he and I went through hell because of that, and I will not hurt him, or myself, ever again, especially when there's no reason for it, there's nothing real impeding us, we are not blood-related, and honestly, even if we were, we would still be together 'cause we can't be apart, we wouldn't bear it, we can't be separated, we are everything for each other, we…"

"Edward, Edward, calm down!" Carlisle spoke loudly while grabbing his shoulders and shaking him a bit, so to be heard and stop his son's rambling. "Listen to me!"

"It's no use…" Edward tried to keep arguing.

But Carlisle was simply not having it anymore.

"Shut up and listen, Edward!" He demanded firmly, tightening his grip on his son's shoulders. "I never intended on trying to separate you two."

That stunned Edward and in his shock, he eased up a bit. Carlisle huffed and let go of his shoulders before speaking again.

"If you had not panicked and started to rant," He started calmly. "you would have heard me saying that... I can see the love that connects you two, it is obvious enough... But you need to be careful, you two cannot let anybody else know about it."

Edward heaved out the air he had unconsciously held in his lungs.

"So you… You are not trying to separate us… You will not try to…"

"I'm not, and no, I won't." Carlisle promised, understanding the fear in his son's eyes. "I'm not here to hurt you or your brother, I know my children well, I can see what's essential to them and I would never do anything to take it away…"

Edward swallowed hard, squinted and jerked his head back a little.

"So you'll accept this… You're telling me that… You'll accept us… As we are now… You'll accept us as a couple...?"

"I already have." Carlisle said in a loving tone. "It was a bit of a shock when I found out, it's true… And I honestly still am having a hard time processing it… But… I overheard you two talking... Declaring yourselves to one another…" Edward's eyes widened but he remained silent. "I knew right then how serious about this you both were, and I knew I could not interfere or else I would hurt you profoundly… And probably lose the two of you. I don't want that, I can't lose my sons." He sighed heavily. "And I want you to be happy, I just… I need you to be careful…" Carlisle's eyes became guarded all of a sudden. "And I need you to keep what you know about your brother to yourself."

Edward was promptly baffled.

"What?!"

Carlisle closed his eyes for a fleeting second while heaving a deep breath.

"Jasper can't know the truth…" His tone, as his expression, was beyond dejected.

Edward took a couple of minutes to react, so astonished and confused with his father's request he was.

"You want me to lie to him?!" It came out in a grave almost threatening tone.

"Please, trust me, son, I have a very strong reason for keeping this from him."

"No reason is strong enough to deprive him of the truth about his origin, Dad." Edward was categorical. "You can't ask me to deceive him."

"Edward, please, listen to me." Carlisle asked rushedly. "If Jasper learns about this he will want to know the whole truth, I won't be able to lie to him, and that will definitely devastate him…"

"Why have you kept this from him, to begin with? Why haven't you ever tried to tell him that he is adopted?"

Oddly, Carlisle went silent abruptly, his eyes suddenly showing more than just concern…

Edward felt weird as he recognized the fear in his father's stare.

"Son, just understand that if you disclose this, it will provoke a disaster chain… And it's not only your brother's life that'll be torn apart…"

"Jasper seems fragile right now, and I understand you fear his reaction but… Dad, he has the right to know."

Carlisle's gaze then went glassy, and Edward realized he was considering something.

"Follow me." He asked while already turning toward the living room.

Edward followed him quietly, feeling increasingly nervous with each step they took. He assumed his father was about to show him documents or something like that since they got into the office. He didn't ask, he just observed as Carlisle opened a drawer and picked up a thick folder. And as Edward had suspected he would, he took a document from there and handed it to him.

Forcing himself to calm down, Edward analyzed the paper carefully.

"It's Jasper's birth certificate." He said in a low voice, pensively.

Then he looked at his father with guarded, slightly confused eyes.

"It was forged." Carlisle confessed in a sigh.

Edward's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He needed more than a minute to collect himself.

"What are you saying?" His voice cracked in the end.

Carlisle fidgeted and carded his fingers through his hair before taking in a deep breath.

"Jasper was never adopted." He clarified. "Technically… He was kidnapped."

Edward felt as if the floor had started spinning, and suddenly he needed to sit down. He did so on one of his father's chairs and spent whole five minutes trying to assimilate Carlisle's words. Once he realized he wouldn't be able to make any sense of them without an explanation, he opened and closed his mouth multiple times, trying to speak, but he didn't even know what to say or ask.

Carlisle waited, staring at his face attentively, waiting for when he seemed a little less stunned. He knew the shock he had caused.

"Explain it to me." Edward finally said in a broken voice, unable to look at his father's face.

"I had a best friend when I was a child… His name was Jason." Carlisle started to speak in a quiet voice and sighed before pausing.

Edward risked looking at him and noticed how far away his father's mind apparently was as he began telling the story looking ahead with unfocused eyes.

"We met when Mr. Murley, his father, came to work for my grandfather as a driver." Carlisle continued, unaware of his son's scrutiny. "His mother was already deceased by then, and my grandmother became affectionate of him… So he would spend a lot of time in the house. We were the same age, he was an only child like me... And even though we were from totally different backgrounds we connected, and we did so in a way that we'd never connected to anybody else."

Carlisle bent his head and closed his eyes for a moment. Edward leaned on the backrest of the chair, noticing how fragile and sad his father seemed all of a sudden.

Pulling his armchair and sitting down on it, Carlisle decided that if he was to tell that story, he would be absolutely honest.

He then looked at Edward, and his dark blue eyes were determined.

"Jason was the brother I had never had... As I was his." He said serenely. "We grew up like that despite the differences." He sighed once again, heavily. "When I went away for college, things changed though. He went away too, despite my family's and his father's efforts to convince him to stay and attend the community college. He got a job at a car factory and moved, leaving without looking back. We kept sporadic contact, I didn't know much about his life as he knew about mine, but he was still my best friend, my confidant, so I didn't change with him and neither did my affection or trust."

After a brief pause, Carlisle looked away from his son again.

"I was in my last semester at university when I got the news... Mr. Murley had died. Jason and I finally saw each other again, after so many years, at his father's funeral. And that was when I got to know that my best friend had become a drug dealer."

Edward started to finally make sense of where that story was going and sat straighter. Carlisle took another deep breath.

"I tried to talk him out of it, I told him I would help him with anything, that I would do anything in order to support him so he could get out of that criminal life… But Jason was too deep into it…" He shook his head while looking down. "We distanced ourselves from each other after that. I graduated a while later, met your mother and fell in love with her. A year and a half later we got married... You were born two years after that."

Becoming silent, Carlisle seemed to take a moment to collect himself… Edward realized it was hard on his father to share that piece of his past, he was clearly hurt by bringing those memories up.

"You were four when it happened…" He resumed, then bringing his eyes back to Edward's. " I got a call in the middle of the night… It was Jason, and he sounded desperate on the phone, I could barely make up his words. All I understood was that he needed my help, and so I went to him without even blinking. I didn't even explain to your mother why I was going out in such a hurry…"

By then Edward was already feeling beyond fidgety. He could predict that plot development but still not how it would explain Jasper being kidnapped. He didn't notice he was nipping at his lower lip because of the anguish that was taking over him.

Carlisle carded his fingers through his hair while his eyes glinted with melancholy.

"He was in this horrible house that seemed to be about to fall apart… It was located in one of the dingiest neighborhoods of New York. There was a lot of screaming when I got there, and it didn't take long for me to find out they belonged to a young woman who was obviously in labor." Edward felt his heart accelerating. " Jason introduced her as 'his girl'... She was really young… Later I learned she was only seventeen. Her name was Ashley, Ashley Arykov… " Carlisle paused as he perceived his son's eyes widening. "I had the same reaction when I heard the surname…" He said while pointing briefly to Edward. " _The Shark_ was already known and feared back then…"

"She's the daughter of the mafia guy? The one the FBI has been trying to catch for..."

"Thirty years." Carlisle completed. "She was, yes." He confirmed in a light intonation, but Edward caught the past tense. "Jason had married her a year before against her father's will and ignoring his promise to kill them both. Things had gotten even worse once he learned Ashley was pregnant… He swore their child would never see the light of day…"

"Oh my God…" Edward uttered, feeling goosebumps on the back of his head.

"That was why he reached to me… Ashley was in labor but he couldn't take her anywhere, _The shark_ 's men had been watching them, seemingly waiting for an opportunity to catch them."

"What did you do?" Edward's voice was urgent but low.

"What I could do… I called Doctor Grinspoon and explained the situation as fast as I was able to." Carlisle spoke with what sounded as repentance to Edward. "He used to be my grandfather's best friend and had promised him he would always take care of me, so… He told me to go to him. We went to the hospital where he was the head physician and he attended to her with only two of his assistants. Unfortunately, due to some complications, Ashley died during childbirth."

Both, father and son, fell in a saddened silence. Edward felt his heart so small that tears came to his eyes…

Carlisle sighed for what seemed to him to be the millionth time.

"When the baby came to Jason's arms, he cried… And although I wasn't sure of the reason, I did too." And as an echo of the past, those words elicited the same emotion that took him over two decades before, and some twinkling tears trickled down his face. "Jason told me he had just lost the love of his life. He was looking with deep affection at his baby when he said that he couldn't put their child's life at risk… And that was when he begged me to take the little boy and hide him, to pretend he was mine, in order to protect his son, to save his child's life." Carlisle paused briefly to breathe and dry his tears. "Given the whole situation, I didn't even consider saying no… I knew that even with my help Jason wouldn't be able to protect him.

"We made an agreement. I would do what he was asking me, and once the boy got old enough we would revisit the situation… I even thought that telling him the truth would be an option someday. So I said yes and called your mother. By the time she arrived, Doctor Grinspoon and I had already talked and decided what to do and how… Even before we brought her up to date on the situation she had already accepted our decisions… Just as had happened to me, your mother loved your brother as she landed her eyes on him." A nostalgic smile graced Carlisle's face, but it soon faded. "It was really early in the morning when your mother and I left the hospital with Jasper in my arms."

"I remember when you brought him home…" Edward said evenly, but his eyes showed he was deeply affected by the whole story.

"You do?" Carlisle was obviously surprised. "You were only four…"

"It is my first memory of Jade… I remember it clearly."

They both nodded, acknowledging the mutual emotiveness.

"Who named him?" Edward indulged his simple curiosity.

"Jason. Something about it being Ashley's favorite gemstone and the reason for them to fall in love... " Carlisle explained shrugging slightly.

They were silent for a moment.

"Where's Jason now?" Edward asked bluntly.

Carlisle took longer than necessary to answer. When he did, his eyes were glossy.

"He was found dead five days later…" He stated with a controlled voice.

Another heavy silence fell over them… And Edward started to feel he could understand why his father had kept all that a secret.

And because he was thinking of everything related to Jasper's true origin, an urgent question popped up in his mind and he blurted it out.

"Is Jasper safe?" His voice sounded as tense as he promptly was.

Carlisle closed his eyes for just an instant, but Edward's heart thundered in his chest as fear crept up inside him.

"Only if I guarantee this story will never come out." He stated seriously.

"Why is it so crucial, Dad?"

"Well, if it does come out… Doctor Grinspoon, your mother and I are bound to be indicted for kidnap and forgery… It will certainly be all around the media since I am who I am... So it will become public knowledge that _The Shark_ 's grandson is alive. I honestly fear what he might do if he finds out… He'd never wanted Jasper to be born, to begin with." Carlisle confessed with obvious concern written all over his face.

Edward took a moment to breathe and mull over his father's words… He thought about them carefully, also considering what Jasper had told him about his feelings regarding the hypothesis of being adopted.

"I understand where you're coming from, Dad, and I want nothing more than to protect Jade…" He said cautiously. "But I believe we should tell him all this."

"Edward…"

"Just listen to me…" He asked with pleading eyes. "We don't need to tell him now, because he's fragile and I'm not sure how he will take all this… He needs to be well first… But it's not fair to keep him in the dark. Also… We don't want to be a secret… We want what we deserve, and that's a normal life…"

Carlisle sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before carding his fingers through his hair and looking at his older son with understanding and compassion.

"You are right, and I will not stand in your way. I just want to protect you both."

"I know… And that's why we need to think about all this together, you and I, so we can find a solution that guarantees the whole family's safety and mine and Jasper's freedom." Edward reasoned. "Can we do that, Dad? I will help you disclose the truth to Jasper when the right time comes… And you'll help us get what we want…"

"Of course I can." Carlisle assured seriously. "All I want is yours and your brother's happiness."

Edward knew then there was nothing more to say… The conversation was obviously over, at least for the time being. He nodded and held his father's gentle stare for a moment, trying to convey his gratefulness to him.

Then he sighed, his heart calling for Jasper.

"I need to check on Jade…" He said as standing up.

Carlisle assented with a nod.

Once he got to the door, Edward remembered something he wanted to know… He turned and found his father looking at him.

"What did you tell Jacob?" He asked unfazed. "I know he told you he'd seen us."

"I lied to him, to protect you." Carlisle revealed. "I told him I knew about the nature of yours and your brother's relationship, and that there was no problem with it since _you_ were adopted."

Edward released a huffed breath, making it clear how surprised he was.

"Did he believe you?"

Carlisle nodded.

"He asked me for proof… And I gave it to him."

Edward swallowed hard.

"What kinda proof?"

"Adoption documents."

"So you…"

"Another forgery, yes…"

"Dad…" Edward uttered concernedly, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Don't worry." Carlisle reassured him with a subtle smile and kind eyes. "Yours and Jasper's safety is more important than my integrity."

Feeling dubious, Edward heaved a sigh. He wasn't happy about his father committing crimes to protect him and Jasper, but he was definitely relieved he didn't have to worry about his brother's ex.

"Go to your bro…" Carlisle cut himself off midsentence. "Go to Jasper." He corrected in a knowing smile. "He must be wondering where you are, and it's almost time for our New Year's dinner."

Edward nodded, his mind still reeling, and hurried back to his love.


	25. Falling into a vortex

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Three weeks had passed by in the blink of an eye, and although the Cullens were really tense in anticipation of Jasper's bone marrow biopsy results the next day, right at that moment there was not one single thought in Edward's and Jasper's mind related to the younger man's illness.

That was actually the first night since Jasper came back home that he didn't feel so tired and sick…

It was past two in the morning, and silence reigned outside Edward's room. On the inside, though, the quietness had been long disrupted by soft moans, low grunts and whispered words…

"Harder…" Jasper asked in a strangled voice.

Between his legs, with knees on the floor and hands on his thighs, Edward moaned softly as complying, his mouth descending on Jasper's member with more intensity.

Jasper's fingers entangled with Edward's grown hair strands, and it wasn't long before he felt the heat insanely coiling in his core and making him even harder…

They both grunted as the first hot thick spurts hit Edward's palate and tongue and started sliding down his throat as he swallowed all Jasper gave him.

As Jasper's upper body slumped back on the bed, his heart beating out of his chest, Edward opened his gray eyes and sat on his heels with a cocky smile on his swollen lips, still breathing heavily. He couldn't help but feel thrilled about Jasper's regained disposition… He sure had missed it.

A moment later Jasper sat back on the edge of the mattress and looked at him between his thighs, readily resting one of his hands on his brother's jaw. Edward tilted up his face and stared fiercely at Jasper, desire very much obvious in his hungry gaze.

"You're so fucking good at this." Jasper stated in a crooked smile while fondling his brother's lower lip.

Edward chuckled and captured his thumb between his front teeth…

Jasper involuntarily released a moan as Edward sucked his finger into his mouth.

"Make love to me again." Jasper whispered, dazzled by his brother's provocation.

Edward's eyes glinted with lust but, oddly, he held Jasper's hand delicately before releasing his thumb, taking a deep breath and averting his eyes.

Jasper observed him as he raised from the ground and sat beside him on the bed. He got slightly confused with the hesitance in Edward's countenance.

"Can we… Try to do things differently this time?" Edward asked in a guarded tone, not looking at Jasper at all.

"How so?" Jasper lightly gave back in a frown.

Folding one of his legs, so he could turn to Jasper, Edward took another long breath before bringing his eyes to his brother's and making a soft request.

"Make love to _me_."

Green eyes were promptly widened as Jasper's lips parted to release a gasp.

They both stared at each other for a moment… Expectancy coloring Edward's face with a warm shade of pink as Jasper slowly overcame his surprise.

"You sure?" Jasper finally blurted out. "Weren't you scared of surrendering your body like…"

"Not to you." Edward stated confidently before he could conclude. Then he sighed and spoke passionately. "All dominance I had over myself was completely lost the moment I understood you loved me this way. You've always been the only one in my life that had power over me, even though you were unaware of it. "He shrugged as Jasper smiled softly. "I've given you control unwittingly when I stopped fighting against the idea of us…" He shrugged again. "There's no fear, there's nothing in me struggling against giving myself to you… I've already done that in an emotional sense, so…" He released the air in a puff. "I just want you to have my body as you have my heart." Jasper's smile broadened as he realized Edward was using the same words he had said the night of their first time. "I want to feel you in me as I felt myself in you. I want it all, love… With you, I want it all."

Perceiving his brother was serious about it, Jasper released a breathy chuckle as he felt his chest vibrating with warmth and tenderness… And then got serious as his core contracted in immediate arousal.

"You have to know something about me first…" He said carefully, and Edward arched his eyebrows questioningly. "It's just… You were so gentle and caring with me when we made love…" He shook his head, averting his eyes. "I'll try, I promise I will, but…"

Edward held his chin delicately and made him look at his eyes.

"I'm not a very gentle top." Jasper stated bluntly.

It was Edward's turn to chuckle.

"I wanna be, to you." Jasper affirmed rushedly and Edward chuckled more. "But I don't know if I can, I get crazy just looking at you, I have a hard time controlling myself when you touch me, when we're touching each other…" He shook his head once again, his eyes apologetic.

"It's okay." Edward assured in a soft gaze and smile. "I want you to be just who you are, I love you the way you are."

"I don't wanna hurt you… I want your first time to be as amazing as mine was."

Edward leaned in, his eyes on Jasper's lips.

"It will be…" He murmured almost on his brother's mouth. "Because it will be with you."

And so, before Jasper could reply, their lips were attached in a steamy kiss.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper's sweaty chest clashed against Edward's broad back as they collapsed over the bed, gasping for air and still recovering from the intense high…

They spent a few minutes just trying to regulate their breaths before Edward spoke in a croaky voice.

"I wanna do the same to you."

Jasper opened his eyes but didn't move from over Edward's body.

"Do what?" He asked in a breathy tone.

Closing his eyes as feeling his core stirring with the memory, Edward smiled subtly.

"Make you cum without even touching you."

He didn't see, but he kind of felt Jasper smiling behind him.

"I did touch you, babe." Jasper affirmed with his lids closed, the grin he was sporting clear in his voice. "Deeply and repeatedly on the right spot."

Edward grinned too, then moved carefully so to be on his back as Jasper made room from him to turn. As their eyes met their smiles broadened.

But then Jasper turned serious.

"There's nothing like feeling connected to you this way…" He murmured. "It was amazing being inside you, but it doesn't really matter if it's me or you… I just feel whole whenever we're together, whatever way our bodies are touching, and even if they aren't… 'Cause I feel like my heart is here..." He rested his palm on Edward's chest. "and yours here. "He brought his hand over his heart.

Edward just nodded, too touched to find suitable words for a reply. Jasper sighed softly and ran his fingers through Edward's hair kindly.

"You okay? Was I too rough?" His voice was tender and low, huskier than usual.

Edward held his neck and looked fiercely into his eyes

"I'm way beyond okay, love…"

Jasper nodded, smiling smugly.

"You were rough." Edward said, suddenly becoming earnest. Jasper's grin vanished. "But not _too_ rough."

"Did I hurt you?" Jasper's tone was cautious.

Edward shook his head slowly and pulled Jasper's face to him.

"I'm not a fragile little boy, Jade… I'm a man, I can take it." He whispered before kissing the corner of Jasper's lips softly.

Jasper backed his head away a bit.

"I'm just trying to take care of you." His tone sounding loving.

Edward smiled again.

"I know…"

"I love you, Edward." Jasper stated.

Edward just nodded again, his heart filled with happiness.

They basked in loving long kisses and light gentle touches for a while. The first lights of the day were infiltrating through the shades when they finally slept in each other's arms.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Can I come in?"

Jasper turned, surprised to hear that voice.

"Jake..." He uttered spontaneously as a wide smile graced his face.

As he observed the tall brunet man walking into his room and getting closer, he felt a little weird because of the rapid beats of his heart… He wasn't supposed to still feel so joyful every time he saw his ex, especially after his threats, but he couldn't help it.

Weirdness turned into guilt as Jacob's arms surrounded him and his whole body responded automatically to the warm contact.

"I missed you." Jacob murmured.

"I missed you too." Jasper answered in the same tone, promptly regretting his impulsiveness.

They pulled apart and shared a longing look. Jasper then jerked his head, pointing to the sofa with his chin. They sat side by side, turned to each other.

"Angela told me you got some results three days ago…" Jacob said in a light voice, trying not to sound as down as he felt.

Jasper sighed and smiled despondently.

"I'm not off the hook yet."

Jacob nodded.

"What happens now?" Jacob's tone then was clearly controlled.

"I'm undergoing another chemo cycle." Jasper answered sadly.

Jacob heaved a sigh and took Jasper's hand in his.

"When will you be hospitalized again?"

"Tomorrow. My recovery time finishes today."

"I'm so sorry, Jay, I wish I could do something." Jacob's eyes were glinting with unshed tears.

Jasper smiled softly.

"You are doing something… You're here and you're not threatening me anymore." He said carefully, looking attentively at Jacob.

"About that…" Jacob started with obvious repentance. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I was just… Angry and…"

"Jealous." Jasper completed before he could. Jacob nodded. "I think I understand, but… I've never thought you would just let your hurt take over… It's not Edward's fault that I fell for him. And trying to hurt him would never make me go back to you."

"I know." Jacob assured, averting his eyes as Jasper's words hit him hard. "I know that now, and I knew it deep down… But I was just… So hurt, so blind with rage and…" He exhaled heavily. "It doesn't justify anything, I'm so sorry."

They became silent and remained as such for a while, neither of them knowing what else to say.

"Can you forgive me?" Jacob's question came out wary and broke the quietness before he looked at Jasper again.

"I have nothing to forgive you for…" Jasper affirmed calmly. "You didn't report Edward, and that's what matters to me."

They both looked away, uncomfortable.

"Where is he, by the way?" Jacob asked in an impulse.

"Hanover." Jasper answered simply. "Dealing with some of his internship stuff."

"You two are still… Together." It didn't really sound like a question.

But Jasper answered anyway.

"We are." His tone was normal, steady, but his eyes were defensive.

He looked at Jacob with a guarded stare.

"I know it seems weird to you, wrong even… I don't expect you or anybody to understand, just to respect us."

"I'm not judging… Not anymore." Jacob said with remorse. "Back when I told you I would report him, I wasn't really thinking, Jay… And I didn't know about Edward. It was a good thing I talked to your father."

"You did?"

Jasper was surprised. Edward had told him Jacob had never showed up at their father's office.

Jacob nodded slowly.

And then something he'd just said alarmed Jasper.

"What do you mean by 'about Edward'?" He blurted out the question, his face in a frown. "What is it you didn't know about him?"

Jacob seemed slightly confused.

"That he is adopted." He answered carefully, perceiving the tension and confusion in Jasper's countenance.

Jasper backed away promptly and involuntarily, frowning even more intensely, his heart thundering in his chest.

"What are you talking about?!" His voice sounded urgent.

"Oh my God, you didn't know?" Jacob's tone, although very low, and his face betrayed his astonishment. "I thought…"

"That's what that weird conversation was about…" Jasper murmured pensively as his stare dropped to the floor, his mind already far away, going back to when he was at the hospital.

 _"Being adopted is not a bad thing." Edward's voice was hesitant, cautious._

 _"It isn't. It's actually a great thing." He agreed but not completely. "If you know about it all along."_

 _"It wouldn't change anything really…" Edward insisted gently, and Jasper had the impression he was trying to gauge his feelings about it. "Family is family, and the love that binds parents and children doesn't really depend on DNA."_

"Danm, he was trying to tell me." Jasper concluded in an afterthought. "And I was so fucking insensitive."

"What are you talking about, Jay?" Jacob asked by his side, bringing him back to the present.

Jasper blinked several times, situating himself, then looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"I didn't know about it, Edward has never told me but… I guess he tried to, but I was so focused on myself…"

"You really didn't know…?" And then Jacob sounded outraged. "And you still fell for him? Even though you believed he was your brother?"

Jasper looked at him with defiance, arching one of his brows, his eyes getting glassy, cold.

"I did." He answered curtly.

The sudden silence that fell over them was so tense, so thick, one could cut it with a knife.

Jacob's countenance softened and then became rueful.

"You really love him, huh?"

Jasper's face softened as well as he read the obvious hurt in his ex-boyfriend's face.

"I do." Jasper was kind as he answered concisely. "Can you respect and accept that? I really don't wanna taint what we lived with contempt, I don't wanna hate you, Jake."

Jacob's eyes filled with tears once again, and identifying his pain, Jasper felt his eyes welling up as well.

"I love you so much…" Jacob confessed in a broken whisper. "So much it hurts me every day, but also… So much I just want you to be happy." Some tears trickled down his face and he brought his hands to brush them away. "And if… _He_ is what makes you happy, then… I'll try my best to respect it."

"I don't want you out of my life." Jasper affirmed gently. "But I know how difficult it is for you to be around me right now."

"I just need time… But we can still talk, right?" He smiled hopefully.

Jasper nodded and smiled guardedly.

They talked for a brief while more, discussing light matters. Jacob went away with the promise to call in a few days to know how Jasper was doing.

Once he saw himself alone, Jasper took a deep breath and recalled his and Edward's conversation about adoption. He felt saddened for his brother and confused by why he didn't simply tell him the truth.

He concluded he was probably trying to assimilate it himself… Yes, because that must have been something he learned recently, otherwise he wouldn't have suffered for so long because of the love he thought was tainted and impure.

Feeling his heart small and pained, Jasper fished his cellphone in his pocket and called Edward's phone.

There was no answer, so he tried the landline number.

The phone rang only twice before it was answered.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Hello?" Emmett said distractedly, still looking at Edward with stunned eyes.

The call was disconnected before he could try and say 'hello' again. And he was so shocked by what he'd just heard that he never checked the phone screen to see who was calling.

"Forget the phone." Edward said gently. "Just sit down and say something."

Dizzy, Emmett couldn't think straight, so he did exactly what he was told to.

"Emmett, please."

"Give me some time to process it, okay?" He asked, his voice a bit detached. "It's a lot to take in at once."

"You just have to promise me you'll never, _ever_ , repeat this, to anybody, not even to your shadow."

Emmett frowned.

"Who am I, Edward? Have you forgotten?" His voice was slightly angry. "I believe what we've been through together along all these years is enough for you not to doubt my loyalty, not even for a second."

"I'm sorry, it's just… This is really fucking serious and I…"

"To say this is serious is the understatement of the century." Emmett retorted with a half-smile.

"I know…" Edward said in a sigh. "I don't know what to do, I'm losing my mind trying to find a way to protect my parents but still be able to tell Jasper the truth."

"He'll be so fucking angry at you." Emmett's commented while shaking his head.

Edward felt his stomach drop.

"He'll understand… Eventually." He said in a low voice while averting his eyes, trying to convince himself.

They were silent for a moment.

"I'll help you." Emmett assured in a gentle voice. "Whatever you need, I'll help you." Edward looked at him hesitantly. "That's why you told me all this, right?"

Edward frowned.

"I told you because I needed to share this with someone I trust… Not because I wanna use you."

"I didn't mean it like that." Emmett was fast to reply, and he was earnest. "If I had thought you wanted to use me I wouldn't even be here in the first place. Don't get so defensive."

Edward felt his cheeks warming and dropped his stare.

"I'm sorry. I still don't know for sure how to act around you." He replied bashfully.

He heard Emmett sighing but didn't raise his eyes, and he held his breath as he felt the big guy's approach. His heart accelerated as Emmett's hand came in contact with his chin.

"Edward, I'm okay." Emmett assured as their eyes met. " _We_ are okay. You don't need to walk on eggshells around me. I've coped with what happened, you don't need to worry and measure every word you say, trying to avoid hurting me."

"I haven't." Edward added in a weak tone, and as he saw Emmett frowning subtly, he clarified. "Coped with what I did to you…" He sighed and Emmett did the same. "Hurting you hurt me… Badly… And I couldn't even let myself feel it, there was too much going on, I... " He cut himself off and closed his eyes for a second. Then he looked intensely into Emmett's eyes. "I was serious about my feelings for you, and I hate that I hurt you that way. It has never been my intention…"

"Don't you think I know that?" Emmett asked kindly in a tentative smile before Edward could finish. "Do you believe I would be here right now if I thought for a second you played me?"

Edward just shook his head slightly, his gaze guilty and despondent.

"Edward, listen to me." Emmett got closer and rested his hand on Edward's shoulder. Edward felt a bit dizzy with the proximity. "It did hurt. It really hurt a fucking damn lot and I'm not quite over you yet, but… I understand." Their eyes glinted with tears. "You've loved him for practically your whole life… I get why you chose him. I would've done the same thing if I were in your shoes."

"I did love you." Edward whispered impulsively. "I think I still do."

Emmett smiled softly and averted his eyes for a second. Then looked at him with kindness.

"You can't have us both."

"I'm aware of it, and I would never hurt you two like that." Edward explained calmly then looked away. "I'm just being honest."

Emmett sighed again.

"Look at me." Edward complied. "We are okay. Please go back to normal." Emmett chuckled. "I miss my buddy. And I hate seeing this shadow of you."

"I really don't know how."

"Stop overthinking!" Emmett said raising his voice a little while poking Edward's forehead with two fingers.

Edward smiled wholeheartedly and they shared an understanding look.

"So… Your brother is not your brother." Emmett resumed their previous conversation. "And your parents are criminals."

Edward sighed.

"Trivial family issues…" He joked, his voice ironic as he rolled his eyes.

Emmett chuckled and he followed.

"That's my Edward." He said while wiggling his eyebrows. "What do you need me to do? I'll help you with anything."

"There's not much anybody can do, actually… I just needed to unburden, really."

"Okay. But if you need me…"

"I know, Emm, and thank you for it."

Emmett shook his head and smiled his big smile.

"You're going back there now the internship is over, aren't you?" He changed the subject.

"Yeah, tomorrow after I hand in my last reports."

"What about doctor Herman's proposition?"

"You accepted it, right?" Edward asked and Emmett nodded. "He gave me a month to answer. I explained the situation."

"At least consider it, okay?" Emmett advised. "We were the only ones he chose, and the offer is very good."

"I know… Everything will depend on the development of this fucked up situation, though."

"What about graduation…? It's in 17 days, will you be here?"

"I hope so. Let's see if Jasper will be strong enough to travel. "

After they both nodded, the conversation assumed an even lighter tone, and Emmett and Edward spent some quality time as they hadn't for a long while.

Only when the blond yawned, several hours later, he realized how late it was. He insisted for Emmett to crash in one of the spare rooms and since the big guy was dead tired from his shift and long conversation with his best friend, he accepted.

Edward saw Jasper's missed call only when he got his cellphone, that all that time had been over his bed in his room, but he decided not to call back… It was past midnight already.

He had the intention of calling before leaving the apartment in the morning, but he ended up oversleeping and had to rush to the university to hand in his last reports.

Emmett was leaving his apartment an hour and a half later when the landline phone rang.

"Hello?"

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper felt his heart clenching and his stomach churning.

He took a deep breath before deciding last minute that he needed to speak.

"Emmett?" He forcefully controlled his tone.

"Jasper?" The big guy's eyes widened.

"Yeah."

"Oh, hey!" Emmett uttered disconcerted, asking himself why the hell he picked up the phone. "Uh… You're looking for Edward, right?" He clenched his eyes and kicked himself mentally.

"Obviously." Jasper couldn't disguise the dryness in his voice.

On the other end, Emmett pushed the phone away from his ear and mouthed "fuck" before bringing it back.

"He's left already. Have you tried his cellphone?"

Jasper curled his free hand in a fist, trying not to get further angry.

"He's not answering." His voice was dripping coldness.

Emmett swallowed hard, perceiving that the younger man was upset.

"He's probably with doctor Herman. He's handing in his reports today."

Jasper closed his eyes and breathed slowly.

"Okay, thanks." He replied curtly and hang up.

His cellphone was tossed over his bed as he clenched his teeth and strode to his bedroom's balcony.

"What the fuck, Edward?" He asked himself and slammed his fists against the railing.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

It wasn't until he was in his car, half-way to New York, that Edward, his mind deep in worry with everything that had been going on, realized he hadn't called Jasper.

He had been in such a hurry to go back that since he woke up his focus remained in committing his reports and hit the road soon after.

Immediately his every thought turned to his brother and how he would be feeling after calling and not hearing back...

Edward felt uneasy.

He considered making the call right then, he could do that using his cellphone's voice command, but he was almost there anyway, two more hours and they would be face-to-face, in each other's arms, so he calmed down and focused on driving as fast as he could without putting himself in danger in order to get to his love as soon as possible.

He actually smiled involuntarily once the Cullen's property became visible a couple of hours later. When he was finally at home, and while he was climbing the stairs two steps at a time, he felt his heart getting warmer and his face blushing.

Edward opened Jasper's room door with no hurry, his stomach filled with butterflies and his eyes a little bigger than normal due to his eagerness to get to him.

He stood on the doorway, his heart fluttering, once he saw his brother sitting on the bed, his back leaning on the headboard, engrossed in a book.

Jasper perceived his presence and raised his eyes.

Their eyes met… Both of them smiled spontaneously as their faces blushed.

Edward strode to Jasper at the same time he tossed the book over the mattress and got up. They met midway to each other and sighed relieved as their bodies connected in a tight embrace.

"Missed you." Edward heard Jasper say.

He smiled, closed his eyes and tightened the embrace even more.

"I missed you too, love."

They both pulled their heads away so to look at each other.

"Four days seemed to last an eternity." Edward said in a low passionate tone. "I felt so alone without you."

That made Jasper suddenly remember he was actually angry. He clenched his teeth, trying not to let his impulsivity take control, but before he could refrain himself, the words were slipping and he couldn't hold them back.

"Oh, that explains why you had some company." His tone dry and defiant.

Edward flinched inwardly as he recognized that tone. He frowned a little.

"You're upset."

"Always so observant." Jasper retorted as arching one of his eyebrows and pulling away from Edward, a sardonic half-smile flickering over his face.

A bit confused, Edward didn't try to hold Jasper. The younger man stepped back a little and stared at his brother earnestly.

"Jade…" Edward tried to ask.

But Jasper was faster.

"Why was Emmett at your apartment?" He questioned in a detached voice.

"How do you…" It came out involuntarily as Edward frowned deeper.

"Does it really matter how I know?" Jasper cut him off, his tone steady. "Was I supposed not to?"

Edward got closer and held his face. He felt relieved that Jasper didn't pull away from the contact.

"It's not like that, love… I'm just surprised, that's all." Edward assured with kindness. "I would've told you about it later."

Jasper heaved a sigh and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Did you sleep with him?" He asked bluntly, his eyes injected.

Edward gasped.

"Why would you think that?" His voice was slightly inflected with sadness.

"He spent the night." Jasper affirmed with conviction.

Edward couldn't deny the fact, and he was still puzzled by how Jasper knew about it, but that was the last thing in his mind.

"I didn't sleep with him." He hurried to clarify, controlling his tone. "I wouldn't cheat on you."

"You cheated on him with me." Jasper retorted coldly.

Edward sighed heavily. He was unable to counter that as well.

Trying to remain calm, Edward slid his hands to Jasper's neck and held it gently before leveling their faces and looking into his brother's eyes intensely.

"We were talking and lost track of time. Then it was really late, and he was exhausted, he'd worked two shifts in a row, it wouldn't be wise for him to drive that tired, so I told him to crash in one of the spare rooms." He explained slowly. "I didn't even see him this morning."

"Why was he there, Edward?" Jasper insisted.

Edward straightened up and sighed again.

"I needed to talk to him." He was honest. "So I asked him to follow me to my apartment."

Jasper averted his eyes and bent his head. He tried to center himself and not allow jealousy to cloud his judgment.

"What else is there for you to talk to him?" He asked in a soft voice. "I thought everything was settled between you two."

"He's still my best friend." Although Edward didn't sugarcoat his truth, his tone was careful and caring. "With everything that's been going on… I just needed someone I trust to listen to me."

Jasper looked at him and stared into Edward's gray eyes for a long while, seeing the sincerity in them and focusing on it in order to push away his unreasonable anger. He then released a puff of air and bent his head over again, shaking it while uncrossing his arms.

Edward held his face once more and gently tilted it up.

"I _love_ you. I would never hurt you like that." He said vehemently.

Jasper's eyes welled up with tears.

"I know." He affirmed in a broken whisper. "But… You were in love with him… And it hasn't been that long… I know you still have feelings for him."

Edward jutted his jaw out.

"Jasper, I chose you." His tone, as his words, came out earnest. "And I will keep choosing you for the rest of our lives."

"You promise?" It was just a weak murmur.

"I promise, my love…" Edward assured as he pulled Jasper into his arms.

They remained quiet for a moment.

"Why are you feeling insecure?" Edward asked cautiously. "It can't be just because I've met Emmett."

Jasper took a minute to concatenate his thoughts before pulling away and look at Edward.

"I feel uncomfortable when you lie or hide things from me." It was his turn to speak carefully. "It makes me uneasy. It makes me think you don't trust me or my love for you enough."

"Of course I trust you." Edward stated and his mouth twisted into a humorless smile.

Jasper exhaled slowly, knitting his brows. Edward felt his heart clenching as he read the sadness into his brother's gaze.

"Then why didn't you tell me you're adopted…?"

Astonishment struck Edward and froze him in place. For a moment his mind went blank and he couldn't utter a single word. However, as Jasper's countenance twisted in a mix of disbelief and disappointment, he came to his senses and frowned.

"What are you talking about?" The confusion, clear in Edward's voice, was very real.

And it threw Jasper off.

"Are you really gonna pretend you don't know?" His tone was hurt.

"But I really don't…"

"Please just stop." Jasper asked in a broken voice as stepping away from Edward. "I know you lied about Jacob not going to Dad's office. And he told me why he never reported you."

That was the moment it suddenly made sense in Edward's mind… He remembered what his father had told Jasper's ex-boyfriend in order to protect both of them. And right then he realized the mess that the secrets and the lies would cause if he didn't break that cycle at that very moment.

"Why, Edward?" Jasper insisted.

"Whatever I did, I did to protect you." Edward affirmed, all of a sudden looking serious and determined. "But now I can't do that anymore."

Jasper frowned. Edward held his hand and looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Come with me?"

Although understanding nothing, Jasper nodded and let Edward take him downstairs and to their father's office.

Both Carlisle and Jasper looked at Edward questioningly once the brothers got into the room.

"Edward, when did you arrive?" Carlisle asked surprised.

"It's time, Dad." Edward stated, ignoring his question. "He needs to know the truth… Now."


	26. Rupture

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

Jasper blinked forcefully once, twice… Three times. That was all the reaction he showed throughout his father's whole speech. His face was still as blank as when he had started listening to the story, his eyes so devoided of emotion that Carlisle was scared.

Edward was not so different from his father. He too was fearing his brother's response so much he would not dare to utter a single word.

Slowly, and clearly absentmindedly, Jasper raised his left hand to his face and used his thumb and middle finger to rub his closed eyelids. He sighed softly, so softly that both, his father and brother, missed it. And then he ran his hand over his hairless head.

He didn't know what to think or how to feel. He found himself at a loss for words and thoughts and submersed in an internal void… He was baffled, dumbstruck, stuck on the spot… He was numb.

And as he bent his head while opening his eyes, and remained unnervingly impassive, Edward felt an icy sensation flooding his stomach. He kept quiet, though, still just observing carefully his brother's countenance and still waiting for him to react. He knew Jasper well and he was utterly aware that that lack of emotion meant his response would be even stronger than firstly expected once he assimilated everything he'd heard.

Jasper looked at his father then. He stared at him for a whole minute with a dispassionate gaze that worried Carlisle to no end. And then he simply spun on his heels and made for the office door.

"Don't come after me." Jasper demanded harshly as he noticed Edward turning his body, obviously intending on following him.

That was enough to halt Edward's steps and make his heart feel heavy inside his chest, but Jasper didn't even look back.

He strode to his room and locked his door before going to his balcony. He covered his face with his subtly trembling hands and allowed the air to leave his lungs in a gush. Then he let his hands slide away and sink in his pockets, his gaze roaming forward.

The memory of the conversation Edward had with him about the hypothesis of one of them being adopted struck him right then, his words making sense fast and clarifying what he first just supposed… Edward had known about that for a while and hid it from him…

Jasper expected to feel sadness or anger, but nothing really came… All he could detect inwardly was this emptiness, this complete lack of sentiment, this coldness that was actually making him lightheaded.

He took a deep breath and went in. He sat on his bed and focused his eyes on the wall full of photos before him… And as he carefully went over his father's words in his mind, he looked attentively at each of the so many pictures, which were reminders of every little special piece of his whole life.

Finally, without his complete awareness, the reality presented by Carlisle's story started to dawn on him… And his unconsciously suppressed emotions slowly begun to surface.

Silent tears trickled down his cheeks… And he realized that his worst fear had become true.

He had lost his family.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

The soft knocks woke him up from a dreamless sleep. Only then Jasper perceived he had cried until his forces were drained and he had fallen in slumber.

"Son, please…" Carlisle's voice reached him. "I just want to see if you are okay."

Jasper checked the clock on his bedside table… He had slept throughout the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening.

He felt horrible but something inside him made him sit up and look at the door. He had been able to hear the sadness in his father's voice even through the thick wood of the door… And it hurt him to understand he was somehow hurting the man he had spent his whole life loving and believing that was his parent.

Jasper stood up slowly, forcing himself to do so. He walked even more unhurriedly, dragging himself to the door, afraid of the emotions he thought would surface once he had Carlisle in front of him. He unconsciously held his breath while unlocking the door, and his eyes were looking down as he opened it.

Carlisle didn't say a thing as he saw his son before him. He just felt relieved Jasper seemed as okay as possible given the situation, and waited.

Jasper finally breathed and slowly raised his head. His eyes filled with tears as his gaze met his father's… And he bit his lower lip to hold off a sob.

"You are, have always been, and will always be my son, it doesn't matter how you came to me… Do you hear me?" Carlisle affirmed in a low, steady, but very caring tone.

And that was all it took to break the frail self-restraint Jasper was maintaining.

Carlisle embraced Jasper as he released a strong uncontrollable sob and restarted to cry, and then he got into the room, closing the door behind him without letting go of his son.

He waited patiently for minutes until Jasper calmed down… They sat side by side on the bed and looked at each other.

"Why you never told me?" Jasper's broken voice hurt Carlisle.

"I was afraid you would go after your grandfather… I didn't want you to get hurt… And I definitely didn't want to lose you." Carlisle confessed in a pained tone.

"Dad, do you really think I would've ever gone after a man that wanted me dead even before I was born?" Jasper sounded perplexed. "The same man that was responsible for both my biological parents' deaths?"

Carlisle bent his head, sighed, and nodded. Then he looked at his son with hesitant eyes.

"I feared you would see him as your only real family..." His voice gave away his shame.

"How well do you know me, Carlisle?" And right then Jasper's tone was resentful and bitter.

Carlisle felt as if his heart was cracking from side to side. He furrowed his eyebrows unconsciously but said nothing. He knew how totally right his son was in questioning his judgment.

"I would've understood if you had waited until I was old enough to assimilate what all that entails… But… You weren't even planning on telling me." Jasper kept talking in an aggrieved tone. "You doubted my love for you and Mom." His eyes glistened outrage tears. "You didn't trust I was reasonable or mature enough to handle the truth, and you didn't believe I was loyal enough to my family to prioritize its safety. You underestimated me _and_ my love for all of you."

Carlisle's eyes filled with tears and he bent his head yet again.

"I did." He admitted in clear guilt and shame as some of the tears slid down his face. "You're right, I did. And for that, I will be forever _terribly_ sorry." He took a deep breath and raised his eyes to his son's. "But there is nothing I can do that will take that back. I wish there was."

"So do I." Jasper said in a broken whisper.

They stared at each other silently for a minute. Then Jasper looked away, his face going blank.

"Is there anything else I should know? Anything you should tell me?" He inquired before turning his eyes back to his father's again. "I can't take any more secrets, Dad. If there's anything else you've been hiding from me, anything you know that affects me and I'm unaware of... This is the time to let me know."

"There is something else." Carlisle confessed calmly, although his eyes were still humid and showing his sadness. "I know about _your_ secret."

Jasper frowned.

Carlisle hesitated, heaved a sigh after briefly closing his eyes, then looked at his son.

"You and Edward." He said in a grave intonation.

Only then Jasper realized that he had been so wrapped up in the _Edward-being-adopted-and-spending-time-with-Emmett_ dilemma that, when Jacob had told him he'd met his father, he hadn't assimilated it meant that Carlisle knew about his emotional involvement with his brother.

Suddenly his stomach dropped and his eyes widened.

"You… You know about us…" His voice came out as a whisper and he sounded scared.

Carlisle nodded.

"For a while now. But don't fret, son. As you can suppose by the lack of interference from me, I don't have a problem with it." He assured.

"What about Mom?" Jasper's gaze was guarded.

"Your mother knows what I know. Always. There are no secrets between us." Carlisle clarified cautiously. "She's on her way home right now, by the way. I called her as soon as you left my office. She'll be here by morning." He took a deep breath. "She is not against you two either."

It took a moment for Jasper to take in the fact that his parents were not opposed to his romantic relationship with Edward.

"It was Jacob, wasn't it?"He asked as he concluded that was the logical explanation. "He went to you when I was at the hospital, that's how you found out." He just wanted to confirm.

"That's how I heard of it. I didn't quite believe him promptly, I thought he could have misunderstood something he had seen, after all, you and your brother have always been really close... " Carlisle explained. "However, I saw it myself later that same day."

Jasper felt extremely embarrassed.

"W-what did you… What did y-you see…?" He stammered.

Carlisle chuckled lightly.

"Nothing much." He assured. "At least, not then."

Jasper's eyes were practically jumping out of their sockets as he shook his head.

"Don't worry, kiddo." Carlisle chuckled again while resting his hand on his shoulder tenderly. "I've seen you two kissing, but it didn't really shock me."

"Dad, I…"

"It's okay… Really."

Jasper's eyebrows twitched before he fully frowned.

"It wasn't easy." Carlisle admitted. "Nothing related to you and your brother has ever been easy, actually." He chuckled humorlessly. "But I've come to terms with everything. I love you both so much, and I just want to see you two happy."

Swallowing hard and taking a moment to breathe slowly in order to calm down, Jasper tried to absorb his father's words and attitude.

After a while, he was almost composed, and other questions came to him. He voiced the simplest one, the one he already knew the answer to.

"You know about us for over a month." It sounded like a statement since he was making sense of it.

"Yes." Carlisle confirmed.

Jasper huffed and bent his head because, right then, it hit him that Edward had obviously known not only all about his past but also about his father's awareness of them being a couple for the same length of time and, still, he had been keeping everything from him.

He felt anger mixed with hurt rising inside… A feeling of betrayal taking over him… But he held it all back. His indignation was something he had to work out with Edward, not with his father.

Nonetheless, his "brother" coming up in his mind brought yet another resentment… And as his thoughts were rapidly consumed with the heartache he faced for months before his and Edward's decision of being together, and Edward's over-seven-years-long silent suffering, his eyes hardened and his voice got graver as he spoke his mind.

"So much pain could've been avoided if you hadn't lied to me from the beginning, Dad." He let it out. "Edward and I... Jacob... Emmett… We could've all been spared of so much hurt."

Jasper paused, the memory of all the pain he had caused and knew his brother had caused, the hurt they had felt, all of it weighting over his heart and obligating him to breathe deeply and slowly so he could be able to bear it without breaking.

Deliberately, he gathered what he wanted his father to know to make him understand the damage he could have avoided causing indirectly.

"I didn't realize it like Edward… It hadn't been clear enough for me, or maybe I just wasn't attentive enough to the signs, I was really young and obviously too naive to get them. And I guess I unconsciously suppressed my feelings to protect myself. It took me a long time, his absence, his confession… It took me revisiting my teenagehood and facing things I had ignored… And I had to go through a lot of pain to overcome my denial so I could finally understand and accept that… Maybe… _Probably…_ I've felt like him for as long as he has. I wasn't aware back then but… I know now that I too was drawn to him because it was this gut feeling he incited in me that made me start to realize I was gay."

Still silent, Carlisle sighed sadly.

"Do you realize what I'm saying, Dad?" Jasper heaved a breath. "If we had known the truth all along, we would have naturally grown closer, without any fear… We could've been together for so long… And then Edward and I wouldn't have hurt so much, I wouldn't have hurt Jake and he wouldn't have hurt Emmett… And we both wouldn't have felt so wrong, guilty, and scared when we understood we wanted to be with each other…"

"I know." Carlisle stated in a low voice. His eyes were apologetic at his son. "My mistake robbed you two from the freedom you deserved, from loving each other guiltlessly. I know that." He exhaled and Jasper saw how tired he clearly felt. "In my mind, I've been telling myself all along that I was protecting you… But I know better now." He took Jasper's hand in his. "Will you ever be able to forgive me, son? I am profoundly sorry."

Two knocks interrupted them, and they looked toward the door.

It opened slowly to reveal a very worried Edward and his bigger anxious eyes.

"Is everything okay?" He asked guardedly.

Carlisle smiled subtly to Edward and nodded. Jasper clenched his jaw and averted his stare as resentment took over him once again.

When he looked at his son, Carlisle saw the resistance written over his face.

"You two need to talk." Carlisle said to only Jasper. "Listen to him, don't judge his actions before you know his reasons, okay?" Jasper didn't react, and Carlisle knew he couldn't interfere any more than that. "We talk more tomorrow, once your mom is here." Carlisle said while standing up and Jasper nodded while looking away.

Carlisle walked to the door and stopped in front of Edward, resting his hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

"He's too hurt, so be understanding." He spoke to only Edward.

The older son nodded before taking a deep slow breath.

Once the brothers were alone, Edward got into the room and closed the door, taking more minutes than really necessary to turn and walk to Jasper that, with an indifferent countenance, was looking anywhere but at him.

Edward didn't know what exactly to say, or how to act, so he just sat beside his brother and waited.

When the silence became too strained and his heart started to seem smaller, Edward realized he would be the one to break the quietness.

"Jade…" He let it roll off his tongue in a pleading voice as he circled Jasper's neck with his hand.

Jasper immediately stood up and walked to the balcony without uttering a single word.

Edward heaved a weighted breath, dread taking over him, and stood up as well, following the younger man right away.

"You need to stop seeing me as this fragile little boy that you need to shield from everything." Jasper spoke in an earnest tone, without turning to Edward, once he felt his brother's approach.

Edward halted his steps less than a meter away from him.

Jasper turned and his eyes were hard over Edward.

"I don't see you as a fragile little boy…" Edward tried.

"You do." Jasper cut him off harshly. "So much so that you, as Father, didn't believe I could handle the truth."

Unable to contradict him, Edward released a trembling sigh and looked down.

Jasper sighed too.

"I understand why he underestimated me… That's what parents do because they take longer to see that their children don't need so much protection, that they've grown… But you… You know me, better than anybody else. Or so I thought because… You simply assumed I wasn't strong enough to take it."

Edward looked at him with pleading eyes.

"I was trying to…"

"Protect me?" Jasper asked before he could say the words. "Yeah, I got that. And that's exactly my point."

"Jade…"

"I'm hurt and angry about everything you withheld, but…" Once again Jasper interrupted his older brother. "About my origin… That you didn't have the right to keep from me… It's _my_ story. You should've told me."

Edward took two large steps and got close to him but, when he tried to hold Jasper's shoulders, Jasper stepped back.

"I'm sorry." Edward said as letting his arms loose along his sides.

"No use to apologize… It won't lessen how betrayed I feel or erase what you've done."

"Love…"

"You lied to me. And you kept lying for over a month."

This time Edward wasn't having it. He stepped closer again and held Jasper's arms before he had the chance to dodge Edward's hands.

"I didn't lie, I hid it from you, but I had reasons to do so." Edward explained softly.

"Omission is also a lie, Edward. A lie with a fancy name."

"Jade… Let me explain…"

Jasper shrugged his hands off his arms and pulled away, enlarging their distance.

"I need time." Jasper said coldly, looking at Edward with indifference. "I need some time apart."

Edward felt his stomach drop but remained as composed as he could.

"Okay. I'll… I'll go." He said, his voice faltering. "Just… Come to me when you…"

"I need you to go and _stay_ away." Jasper added once he realized his brother had not understood.

Swallowing hard, his eyebrows twitching, Edward looked at Jasper feeling fear rising inside of him.

"What… do you mean?"

Jasper took a long deep breath and huffed.

"Go home." His tone was stern. "Go back to Hanover. I need you to _not_ be here right now."

Edward gasped and tears promptly started to well up in his eyes.

"Jade, no… Don't do this, please." He openly begged.

Only then, seeing his brother's hurt and fear plainly written all over his face, Jasper faltered and allowed his love for Edward to subtly permeate his attitude.

"It's not what you think," He said, his voice turning soft. "I'm not breaking us up. I'm not pushing you away either… I just…" He took another deep breath so to remain centered. "I need to be rational about it all, I need to have a clear mind to deal with this, and I need to be with my parents, and only with them, so we can get through it." He clarified calmly. "I won't be able to focus on them, on us as a family, if you're around."

"I'm your family too." Edward argued, his voice choked.

"You are." Jasper accepted with sad eyes. "But you're also my lover. I'm never rational when I'm with you, there are too many feelings involved and they are all too intense and consuming… My mind is never clear when we're next to each other." He sighed and looked away from Edward's intense pleading gaze. "Besides… This is about me and them. Not you."

Edward got closer and held his face. Jasper let him.

"Everything that's about you is about me." Edward reasoned as some tears slid down from his eyes.

Jasper felt tears coming to his eyes too.

"No, it's not." He countered softly. "We're bound to each other… Forever, I believe. I love you. But you're you, and I'm me. We have our own struggles and we need to deal with them by ourselves. I need to deal with it by myself, I can't have you around while I try to do this…"

"You _are_ pushing me away." Edward said when he dropped his hands from Jasper's face and stepped back.

Jasper stepped back too, and Edward's countenance seemed immediately defeated.

"I can see why you think like that… I understand. But you're wrong." Jasper stated.

"I just don't wanna lose you." Edward spoke so low that Jasper almost couldn't hear it.

"You won't have anything to lose if I lose myself, don't you get it?" Jasper reasoned with him. "Can't you see that's what I'm trying to do here? _Not_ to lose myself? I'm putting my relationship with Mom and Dad first, so I can ensure I keep my essence and get to still be me… The Jasper they raised, the Jasper that's Carlisle's and Esme's son. I need _them_ so I'll stop feeling like my whole life has been a lie." He paused for a brief moment to gather his thoughts and to recompose his emotions. "Something broke inside me when I learned that shit, Edward… I feel like what has always linked me to them is gone and I _need_ to repair it."

"You don't have to distance us for that." Edward argued once again.

Jasper huffed and shook his head.

"Haven't you heard anything I said?" His tone rising in impatience. "I _do_. I'm sorry… I know it will hurt you as much it is hurting me, but that's what I need."

"It _is_ hurting me."

"I just can't do this right now." Jasper spoke with himself while turning away from Edward.

"You mean _us_. You can't do _us_ right now, is that it?" Edward insisted as more tears flowed down his eyes.

With his back to his brother, Jasper exhaled heavily, jutted his jaw and closed his eyes.

Letting go of Edward was hurting him deeply, even if it was just for a while… But he knew that was what he had to do to fix the part of himself that had shattered when he learned he wasn't really Esme's and Carlisle's son.

He turned back to Edward with a heavy heart, knowing well his next words would crush him.

"Yeah. I can't do us." He confirmed, and Edward scrunched up his whole face. "Not right now. Please, try to understand."

Edward sobbed and then released a quivering sigh.

"I can't." His voice broke. "I'm sorry but I can't understand it."

"Just accept it, then." Jasper shrugged.

Before Jasper could blink Edward was right before him, their faces just inches away. Jasper had to crane his neck so he could hold Edward's stare.

"What if I don't? What if I stay?" Edward defied.

"It'll just hurt us more…" Jasper reasoned calmly, although his heart was thundering inside his chest. "'Cause I've made up my mind. And until I mend what's broken inside me, I can't be with you."

Seeing the resolve in his brother's gaze, feeling it clearly in his tone and from his stance, Edward understood he was fighting in vain.

"This is your final word." He murmured.

"It is." Jasper said in the same tone.

"There's nothing I can say or do…" His words sounded pleading.

Jasper sighed again.

"No."

They stared at each other for what seemed an eternity… The two of them felt their hearts clenching while their stomachs churned and their minds screamed against that idea…

But that was a lost fight, and they both knew it.

Edward closed his eyes softly, tears streaming along his blushed cheeks. Then he sighed, clearly resigned, and looked at Jasper with a disheartened gaze.

"I'll be gone by morning." It was all he said before he turned around and strode out of the room.

And as soon as he saw himself alone, and realized what he had just done, Jasper gasped the air he had held and allowed his tears to silently come out.

 **A/N:** Just two more to go, so enjoy the ride.


	27. The essential question

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 **#**

 ***AUTHOR'S WARNING - Buckle up!***

 **#**

"Feeling better?" The grave voice reached him as soon as he opened his eyes.

Edward rubbed his eyelids with the back of his hands and furrowed his eyebrows when he looked at the person sitting beside him.

"What time is it?" He croaked.

"Past noon."

Sighing, and immediately feeling his heart clenching inside his chest as he realized one more day had long started, Edward turned to his side on the bed.

Emmett heaved a breath.

"Is it taking you anywhere, feeling so much sorry for yourself?" He asked with a hint of impatience. "It's been over a week, Edward. You need to get over it."

"I'm trying…" Edward mumbled as he closed his eyes.

"No, you're not. You're just sinking deeper." Emmett countered.

Edward turned to him and, with his eyes flooded with tears, he looked at his best friend.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I don't _want_ you to do anything, but I was hoping you would finally come to your senses and start acting like the grown-up man you are."

"I miss him…" Edward spoke in a quivering voice.

Emmett huffed and looked at him skeptically.

"He just asked for some time, Edward, it's not like you two are over." He minimized deliberately, intending solely to encourage the blond.

"It feels like it… He's not even talking to me."

Emmett rolled his eyes.

"You called him once, and there are plenty of reasons for him not to pick up your call, or did you forget that he's still at the hospital undergoing another chemo cycle?"

Of course Emmett's carefully previously thought arguments made sense, but Edward's fear of losing Jasper permanently was messing with his emotions. He was unable to reason or to see past his pain at that moment… So he looked away instead of answering.

Emmett huffed again.

"You're being dramatic." He stated and stood up. "And I'm not having it anymore. I've let this gone too far. C'mon, get up right now and go take a shower. I'm taking you out."

"I don't wanna go out." Edward mumbled again. "I wanna sleep."

"I'm sorry, did it sound like I was asking?" Emmett's tone was stern. "Get outta this bed right now or I'll make you."

"Emm…" Edward whined.

"Oh, please, you're really whining?" Emmett asked incredulously. "How old are you, five? Spare me." He pulled the sheets away from Edward sharply. "Get the fuck up."

Seeing the big guy's intimidating stare and knowing well he was not joking around, Edward squeezed his eyes for an instant, took a deep breath, and sat up.

"Why are you taking care of me?" He asked dishearteningly, looking down.

"Because you're not." Emmett answered shrugging.

"I'm just annoying you… You don't need to do this."

Emmett exhaled heavily and rested both his hands on his hips.

"I know." His tone was unaffected. "Now get up and go take a shower before I lose what little bit of patience I still have."

It wasn't hard to understand that Emmett wouldn't give up until he gave in, so Edward just accepted he didn't really have a choice. He swallowed his impulse to cry, forced his legs out of bed, planted his feet on the floor, and stood up, taking a couple of seconds to raise his head and look at Emmett.

"You look like shit." Emmett stated mercilessly.

"Gee, thanks." Edward arched his brows in irony.

Emmett chuckled.

"You're welcome. Now hurry up." He said, turning serious again.

Edward shook his head and dragged himself to his en-suite. Emmett left the room and was walking to the kitchen distractedly when the phone rang in the living room. This time he was careful to look at the caller ID.

He took a deep breath before answering.

"Hey, Jasper." He controlled his tone.

It took almost a minute for him to get an answer.

"I guess I should've predicted that you would be there." Jasper's voice sounded tired and disappointed.

"It's not the way you think." Emmett assured cautiously.

He heard Jasper chuckling.

"It's interesting how you two have similar speeches." He sounded ironic. "You have more in common with him than I ever will."

Emmett heaved a sigh.

"You know you're wrong." He stated. "I'm just taking care of him."

Jasper went silent for a moment.

"How is he?" His question came out in a worried, saddened tone.

"How do you think?" Emmett asked rhetorically. "He's in a pretty bad shape." He heard Jasper sighing. "How are _you_?"

"I'm…" He hesitated. "I'm fine."

"You sound sad." Emmett affirmed.

"I'm just tired. A lot of drugs in my system." Jasper replied simply.

"He called you." Emmett told him softly.

"I know. That's why I'm calling back."

Emmett huffed while thinking Jasper had waited a little too much for doing so, but he didn't voice his opinion.

"Wait just a minute, I'll get him for you." Emmett said as starting to walk back to the bedroom.

"No, Emmett, wait." Jasper urged. Emmett halted his steps. "Just… Forget it. I shouldn't have called."

"Of course you should." Emmett countered, forcing his voice to sound calm and steady. "What you shouldn't have done was push him away. He's crushed, thinking you two are over."

"We're not, I just… I need time."

Emmett held his forehead with his free hand, trying to control his impulse, but his heart was clenching, demanding him to do something, he couldn't just sit back and watch.

"That's something you don't know for sure how much you have." He said in a rushed low voice. "I don't wanna meddle, but I feel like if I don't, I'll regret it later so, listen up, Jasper." He squeezed his eyes for an instant before starting to speak again. "I can only imagine how confused and overwhelmed you are with everything that's come your way, but Edward loves you like crazy and being away from you right now when your life is hanging in the balance…" He paused, shook his head, and exhaled. "You have no idea how lost he is."

Jasper was quiet again, and for almost a minute all Emmett could hear was his irregular breathing.

Emmett turned away from the living room door and clenched his teeth while feeling a weird wave of impatience spreading inside him.

"Why are you doing this to him?" He practically demanded.

"I'm just trying not to lose myself." Jasper replied weakly.

"Making him lose himself in the process? How's that fair?!" Emmett's voice rose without his conscious consent.

He heard Jasper gasping on the other end and immediately berated himself for being so inconsiderate.

"You still love him, don't you?"

Jasper's whispered question didn't shake him… Although he was resigned, he had been painfully aware that he wasn't over Edward.

"I do, I still love him." Emmett admitted without any hesitation. "And I wouldn't be pushing him aside if he had chosen me. Especially if I didn't know how long I had." He huffed. "But you don't need to worry, I don't have a hidden agenda and I'm not trying to take advantage of the situation either, I'm just making sure he doesn't break completely."

"I got that." Jasper assured.

They were silent once more.

"You don't have to go through it all without him, man." Emmett said softly. "At least talk to him."

"I can't… It'll just make everything worse." Jasper replied in a choked voice.

"But you called him, you want to." Emmett insisted.

"I'm not ready…" Jasper explained, and Emmett noticed he was crying. "I'll go to him once I figure this out."

Emmett released an annoyed sigh.

"You may not find much left to go back to." Emmett warned, not even trying to hide how upset he was.

He heard sniffing, and trembling breaths coming from the other end, and his heart seemed suddenly small…

"I'm sorry if I'm being blunt…" He tried.

"Just keep taking care of him, okay?" Jasper asked urgently before he could finish his sentence. "And please don't tell him I called, it'll hurt him."

"Jasper…"

"I have to go."

"Wait, Jasper!" Emmett spoke hurriedly.

But Jasper had already hung up.

"Fuck." He uttered before closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Then he forced himself to calm down while he walked to the telephone stand and placed the handset on its base.

He hated that he would have to lie to Edward, but he knew that telling him that Jasper had called and given up talking to him was going to bring him down even more.

So Emmett put on his best nonchalant facade, went to the kitchen to take a soda can from the fridge and went back to Edward's room.

He was surprised to find the blond sitting on the edge of his bed, still wearing his pajama bottoms, looking at the floor.

"You went into the bathroom, why aren't you taking a shower?" Emmett asked suspiciously.

Edward raised his head slowly, and when his swollen eyes met Emmett's attentive ones, the big guy couldn't disguise the sorrow he promptly felt.

"I was… Looking for you, to decide what to wear. You didn't tell me where we're going."

Edward spoke all that in a steady tone that didn't match his vulnerable countenance or sad stare.

"Just wear something comfortable." Emmett told him gently. "I'm taking you to eat and then we're going cycling around the park. You need food, sun, and fresh air."

Edward nodded slowly, clearly holding back his tears.

Emmett felt the urge to hold him and soothe his pain, but he suppressed the impulse. He believed Edward needed strength and encouragement instead of sympathy, or else he would just indulge in self-pity.

"I'll wait for you in the living room." He said, controlling his tone once again.

Edward stood up and made his way to the en-suite one more time, and Emmett waited until he heard the shower to leave the room.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

The silence between them was comfortable… The subtle warmth of the sun and the cool breeze coming from the lake were soothing, and it seemed to allow Edward to breathe a little better.

Sitting beside his best friend on the lawn at the river shore, Emmett contemplated how cycling around the park for almost an hour and then resting quietly next to each other were quickly becoming a morning routine for him and Edward.

Four days had gone by, and with them, thankfully, a little bit of the blond's sadness.

Edward seemed resigned, and a little more centered, but Emmett knew he was still in pain. He had just taken better hold of the hurt, but his downcast eyes were evidence it was still there.

"Aren't you tired?" Edward asked in a soft voice without averting his eyes from the horizon.

"Tired of what?" Emmett asked back, acting just the same.

"Of this…" Edward clarified as turning his head and looking at Emmett's profile. "Of taking care of me."

Emmett's thin smile was short-lived, and he bent his head before resting his crossed arms on his bent knees.

"No." He answered simply.

Edward nipped his lower lip while furrowing his brows.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked carefully.

Emmett closed his eyes briefly and sighed. Then he looked at Edward with an intense stare.

"Don't ask questions you don't wanna hear the answer to."

"But I do want to hear it." Edward affirmed, his heart pounding a tad strongly.

"Why?" Emmett frowned. "It won't make any difference." He looked away. "And it's not like you don't already know."

Edward licked his lips unconsciously, sighed, and averted his eyes as well.

"I just don't see the point of you constantly hurting yourself just to make sure I keep my sanity." He spoke quietly, but knowing Emmett would be able to hear him.

Emmett chuckled humorlessly, which made him look back at the big guy.

"You can keep trying to push me away as much as you can, Blondie." Emmett said shrugging. "It just won't work. I'm not going anywhere." He looked at Edward again. "And just so you know, I'm not _constantly hurting_ myself."

It was Edward's turn to frown.

"Haven't you ever taken care of someone just simply because you cared?" Emmett asked in a serious voice. "I don't need a reason, I just want to, period."

And as Emmett turned his eyes to the lake, Edward felt his heart swelling and his throat constricting.

"Four days to graduation…" Emmett uttered pensively, and Edward understood he was deflecting the subject. "Will your parents come?"

"Only my mom." Edward answered despondently. "Dad is staying with Jasper."

"When will he be discharged?" Emmett asked in a cautious tone, looking attentively at Edward.

Edward inhaled strongly and released a puff of air before swallowing hard.

"He's home since yesterday." He spoke, clearly controlling his voice. "

"Did you talk to him?"

Edward shook his head.

"I talked to my father before you arrived this morning."

"Why aren't they coming?"

Edward shrugged before bending his head.

"The first few days after the end of the first cycle were pretty rough for Jade, and he was stronger back then. He's weaker now, so… Dad is just trying to spare him."

Emmett nodded and looked away.

"Let's go back." He stated and stood up. "I'm working the 10 am shift today."

Edward got up and picked up his bicycle as Emmett did the same.

"Have you decided about the offer, by the way?"

"I have." Edward answered in a surprisingly decided tone. "I'll talk to Doctor Herman after the ceremony."

Soon they were cycling side by side, back to their apartments.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Meanwhile, in New York City, Doctor Swan scribbled on her notebook after hearing her patient's anguished words.

"Did you call back?" She asked in her candid voice, her pen flying over the page.

Jasper stared guardedly at the psychologist for a moment before answering her impartial question.

"Yes." He answered hesitantly when she glanced at him. "But I couldn't talk to him."

Doctor Swan rested her pen for a moment and looked at Jasper over her glasses with cunning eyes.

"Why was that?"

Jasper sighed and looked away from her, to his interlocked hands on his lap.

"I didn't want to hurt him even more…" He said, his voice breaking. "He would think I was ready for him to come back…"

"And you're not…" She incited with arched brows.

"I… Don't know."

"You told me you feel better about your parents, that the feeling of not belonging with them is actually gone." She reminded him.

"Yes." Jasper confirmed.

"You also told me that this distancing from Edward was for you to assimilate better your new reality regarding your family with a clear head." She continued, her gaze intensifying as she scrutinized him. Jasper simply nodded. "Why do you think you're still not ready to go back to him since the reason for estranging him has apparently been dealt with?"

Jasper took a moment to concatenate his thoughts and feelings, and as he did so, the therapist that had accompanied him since he started his cancer treatment put her notebook aside and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her crossed legs, and looking seriously at him.

"I want you to think carefully about this, Jasper." She encouraged him. "Is it possible that you're pushing him away because you believe that, by doing so, you're…"

"Protecting him." Jasper completed her elicitation in a pensive tone. "It's… Possible."

"And why would you want to protect him, what from?"

"From the pain…" He voiced the words simply as they came to him. "He's suffered enough… He doesn't deserve this endless misery, I just want him to be happy."

"You believe he wasn't happy with you."

"He was… We were, but... We were not, it's… Complicated, I just didn't want to drag him into the mess I suddenly found myself in…"

"You're speaking in the past tense." The Doctor pointed out. "Does it mean you're not into that mess anymore?" She provoked, analyzing his reactions.

"Not regarding my parents…" Jasper replied uncertainly.

"Regarding what then?"

Jasper frowned.

"I… Don't know."

Doctor Swan pushed her glasses back with her forefinger and straightened up, taking back her notebook and scribbling again on it as Jasper assimilated their discussion.

"Do you think I made a mistake?" He asked quietly, his eyes back at his hands.

The therapist glanced at him with her big provocative brown eyes when he looked at her.

"Do _you_ think you made a mistake?"

Jasper released a puff of air.

"I thought I was making that decision for myself…"

"And now you think differently."

He nodded.

"I decided for both of us." He admitted out loud as he realized it.

"Do you believe it was unfair of you to do so?"

"I didn't consider his feelings, or what he wanted…"

"And why was that?"

Jasper took a deep breath as the realization settled in.

"I would've changed my mind if I had done so."

"And changing your mind would be detrimental to the situation because…" She incited again.

"I would've just kept him with me and would've ended up dragging him into my emotional mess." He concluded while sighing.

"It seems that there is a pattern, Jasper…" The Doctor hinted, once again taking her notes. "Our time is almost up." She said looking at her watch before closing her notebook and leaning on the backrest of her chair. "I have an exercise for you. It will help you accept and therefore assimilate your real motive."

"Isn't that my real motive?" Jasper asked anxiously.

Doctor Swan just smiled and look at him with one eyebrow arched high.

"It isn't." Jasper said in a sigh as it dawned on him. "What's the exercise?"

"You will take a quiet moment, any time of your day, and you'll brainstorm words that you feel that are related to 'protection'. It is better if you do it on a paper instead of on a computer or a cell phone. This way you'll be able to register most of your thoughts." She paused and waited for his nod before proceeding. "But don't read it alone once you finish it. Fold it and keep it."

"Am I supposed to bring it with me next session?"

"If you want to, you can, but not necessarily."

Jasper frowned.

"So, when will I read it?" He sounded as confused as he felt.

Smiling again, the psychologist stood up. Jasper understood it was time for him to go and did the same, but his expectant eyes were still on her.

"Once you know you are ready." She finally replied.

Jasper nodded again before leaving her office. His father was waiting for or him at the reception.

"Ready to go home?"

He frowned as hearing the word again.

"Yeah." He answered absentmindedly.

Carlisle noticed his despondency, but knowing his son's healing process, he chose to leave him with his thoughts.

Jasper sighed heavily as they made their way to the parking lot, his mind reeling. He was still unsure of which " _ready_ " Doctor Isabella Swan had referred to exactly with her last words to him… If it was the "ready" for reading his own words… Or the "ready" to have Edward back.

He felt his heart pounding anxiously against his ribs as he questioned himself inwardly. He was afraid of finding the answer.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Three days later, Emmett was at Edward's apartment, spending another afternoon with his best friend.

"Okay. See you at eight." He spoke on his phone before hanging up and putting it in his pocket.

Next to him on the couch, Edward looked at him quietly.

"You didn't need to pause the movie." Emmett said unconcerned, looking at the TV screen.

"I didn't want you to miss out on the plot." Edward justified, his voice sounding cautious.

Emmett looked at him.

"What?"

Edward sighed then shook his head while averting his eyes.

"Nothing."

He pointed the remote control toward the TV but Emmett snatched the gadget before he could press play.

"What?" He asked again, slowly this time, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

Edward sighed again and blushed subtly before looking at him with guarded eyes.

"Who was it?" He clearly forced the words out.

Emmett chuckled and shook his head.

"You don't get to feel jealous." He stated.

Edward bent his head.

"I know. Sorry." He mumbled embarrassed.

It was Emmett's turn to sigh.

"Her name is Marly." He provided in a soft tone. "She's one of the new interns. We met at the hospital and I took her out once."

Edward nodded, still silent, still looking aimlessly forward.

Emmett pressed play and focused on the movie while sipping his beer.

"You have a date with her tonight." Edward actually asked, but it sounded like a statement.

Emmett stopped the movie altogether and turned to him.

"Okay, go ahead, ask away if that's what you need."

Hesitantly, Edward turned to him as well, folded his legs Indian style, and looked at him.

"How long have you known her?"

"Around a month." Emmett answered fast and simply.

"When did you take her out?" Edward sounded calm, but his eyes were unquiet and Emmett had noticed it.

"The night before you called me, telling you were back."

"Two weeks…"

"Yeah."

"So you haven't seen her because of me." Edward assumed in a frown.

"I have seen her practically every day since she started at the hospital." Emmett clarified unaffected. "But if you're referring to taking her out on another date… Yeah. Pretty much."

Edward nipped his lower lip, then opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't say sorry." Emmett stopped him before he could talk. "I've already told you, I'm doing what I want to, it's my choice, so don't feel guilty."

They stared at each other silently for a while. Then Edward closed his eyes softly for a second, and when he looked back at Emmett, his whole face softened.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked gently. "Why are you putting your life on hold just to take care of me?"

Emmett heaved a sigh.

"You know why." He affirmed carefully.

Edward felt his heart accelerating and remained still, afraid of his own reactions.

"I heard you…" He blurted out. "On the phone with Jasper, that day he called."

Emmett nodded.

"I suspected so."

Again they shared a quiet moment while looking into each other's eyes.

"I'm not waiting for anything, Edward." Emmett assured calmly. "I just want to take care of you, that's all."

"I know." Edward affirmed softly. "But…" He cut himself off.

Emmett waited.

Edward shook his head and sighed once again before bending his head and closing his eyes momentarily.

"We didn't have the chance…" He spoke low, but he was certain that Emmett could hear him. He raised back his head and looked at the big guy allowing his walls to fall down. " _I_ didn't have the chance to really experience what I feel for you." He saw Emmett swallowing hard and he did so too. "It's confusing… Loving two people at the same time. But there's something I know for sure."

"What's that?" Emmett asked hesitantly.

"We will never really move on if we don't have closure."

They both sighed.

"The first time I said the words, I was apologizing." Edward explained slowly. "The second, I was justifying my need of you." Emmett nodded. "I never had the chance to say it just because I was simply feeling it."

Emmett averted his eyes, his heart beating out of his chest as he felt a mix of fear and urgency.

"Can I say it?" He heard Edward ask.

"It won't change anything, and you know it." Emmett said, controlling his voice when his eyes met Edward's again.

"Can I just say it?" Edward asked again, even more softly.

Giving in, Emmett nodded after a sigh.

Edward got closer, unaware of Emmett's shaking hands and sudden vulnerability, and rested his hand gently on the big guy's cheek.

"I love you." He whispered, his gaze intense.

"I wish it was enough…" Emmett replied in the same tone. "I love you too."

And then, for a while, they just remained locked in each other's stare…

Edward knew what he wanted to do, what he needed to do next in order to really end that one chapter of his life, and he believed it was the same thing Emmett needed as well.

"You can stop me if you want to." He said as he carefully held Emmett's face between his hands.

"I won't." Emmett murmured when Edward leaned in.

"I want you to be happy, Emm." Edward told him tenderly, inches from his lips.

"That's what I want for you too." Emmett replied just before their lips connected.

They kissed slowly, softly, their hearts in sync, feeling simply the love they shared and letting it take them for one last time…

It didn't last long… It was, after all, a goodbye kiss… The closure they had never really had and, therefore, bittersweet, and as hurtful as it was tender and needed.

Once it was over, Emmett and Edward joined their foreheads for a moment before opening their eyes…

Emmett hastily pulled away from Edward when he did so, staring hard at the living room door with a rigid countenance.

Edward immediately felt his whole body going cold, and he turned his head slowly, deducing with heavy dread what, or better saying, _who_ , he would see standing behind him.

He didn't notice the air leaving him in a gush, but he was utterly aware of his heart dropping once his eyes met Jasper's.

#

#

 **A/N:** Just one more to go... Let me know your thoughts.


	28. New Beginnings

***I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.***

 **-** We're finally at the last chapter, the closure of this story that I love so much with all my heart.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for any structural, language, collocation, and grammar mistakes I made along the chapters. I'm Brazilian, Portuguese is my native language, and although I'm considerably proficient in English, I still don't live in an English speaking country and don't speak English 24/7, so I'm bound to make many mistakes. I've researched and tried to correct whatever I found and recognized before posting, but for sure I've missed some things. I hope you have disregarded the language problems and have focused on the plot.

Writing this fic wasn't an easy journey and for times and times again I considered giving up. But because of the people I'm thanking at this moment, it was possible for me to find my path again. So hear me out till the end, guys!

I'd like to thank acw1, abstrat, mirae10, Twi-fic luver, mdg0107, luvinlapush, lindachiqa, SarahWeasley, PRO-BETA, asthonmargaretti, Gio.A.D. and Hoorahchick for your reviews along this journey.

A special "thank you" to bbbluez and Team Peeta Mellark for the constant comments.

An even more special "thank you" to **AnaSamantah09** , your thoughts have inspired me along the way and have given me perspective, helped me come up with new ideas, and rethink some of my plans. Thank you so much. Maybe you have no idea how much you supported me, but believe me, you did.

My last "thank you", and the most important one, is to the person who has never failed to review the fic, the one person who supports me from way before this fic, actually, the one person who has always encouraged me and believed in me from afar...

 **CentauRita** , thank you for your endless support. You are the biggest reason for this fic to be completed. Thank you for all your words and funny, heartwarming comments. **This chapter is dedicated to you.**

 **#IMPOSSIBLE*THE FINALE#**

Emmett was as still as a statue, staring at Jasper.

Jasper wasn't even blinking, his teary eyes on Edward.

Edward was shaking inwardly, unsure of what to do next.

He opened his mouth to say the only word he had in his mind...

"Jasper..." Esme's voice reached the three of them. "Did you find your brother?"

As their mother reached the living room door, all eyes turned to her.

"Oh, hello, Emmett!" She greeted joyfully, a big honest smile gracing her delicate features.

Emmett and Edward stood up from the couch, both disconcerted, while Esme crossed the room to them, as Jasper looked down at the floor, trying hard to keep standing.

Holding her older son's shoulder affectionally, Esme looked at Emmett.

"It's good to see you, how are you?" She asked, unaware of the tension around her.

"G-good." Emmett answered hesitantly, a tentative smile on his lips.

Edward, that had not looked away from his Jade not even for a millisecond, released the air in a heavy sigh, anguished with what he was seeing.

Esme turned to him, oblivious.

"How are you, son?"

"Fine, Mom." Edward answered mechanically without looking at her.

He stepped forward, intending to go to Jasper but his father's voice made him instinctively halt his motion.

"So, were you surprised?" Carlisle asked as he appeared beside Jasper at the doorway with excited eyes and smiling happily.

Jasper looked at his father.

"I don't feel well, Dad…" He said in a low voice, unaware that Edward, extremely attentive to him, could hear his words. "Can you take me to the room?"

"I'll take him, Dad." Edward hastened to say while striding to them.

He was right in front of Jasper when his brother looked at him with guarded eyes.

"It's okay, you don't have to." Jasper assured in a broken voice. Then he turned to his father again. "Dad…"

"Jade, please." Edward asked in a whisper.

Carlisle glanced between them, feeling confused with their silent exchange. Esme finally caught the tension in the room and looked from Emmett to her sons and then to Carlisle, trying to understand what was going on.

Jasper sighed and, holding back his tears, stared at Edward with sheer understanding flowing from his sad gaze.

"It's okay. Really." He spoke only to Edward, and his words conveyed sincere comprehension. "I'm sorry I interrupted." He said louder, turning to look at Emmett.

"You didn't." Emmett stated rushedly. "I was actually on my way out."

Jasper looked at his father with pleading eyes, his eyebrows knitted together.

"I really need to lie down, Dad."

Carlisle held his arm and they turned toward the hall. Edward could just watch them go, feeling his stomach dropping in fear.

Emmett was beside him in a heartbeat.

"Don't just stand here, go." He demanded.

Edward looked at him with desolated eyes.

"He came, it means he's ready. He made the first move, now it's your turn so, go get him back." Emmett urged. "I want you happy."

Edward nodded, a soft smile on his lips.

"Thanks." He murmured before rushing through the corridor.

He met his father at his bedroom door, closing it.

"Did something happen?" Carlisle asked when he saw him.

"I'll explain later." Edward said hurriedly before reopening the door, getting in and closing it behind him.

The first thing he saw once he turned was Jasper rubbing the back of his hands over his eyes. He felt his heart clenching in sadness… He had hurt Jasper again.

He walked slowly to his bed and sat beside his brother. Jasper looked at him dejectedly.

"I wanted to go to the spare room, but Dad didn't listen." He explained. Edward shook his head slightly and furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm okay, I'm just feeling dizzy, you don't have to worry." Jasper assured softly, noticing his brother's concerned expression.

"Jade, what you saw…" Edward tried.

"You don't have to explain." Jasper spoke gently before he could finish. "It's okay." His voice quivered. Edward frowned. "I'm not mad at you, I understand." He took a deep breath. "I accept your decision, I won't make a scene or anything…"

Edward opened and closed his mouth multiple times, his brows twitching, his mind reeling in confusion.

"What are you talking about, what decision?" He asked, frowning in utter puzzlement.

Jasper closed his eyes for a moment while sighing. Then he looked at his brother with tearful eyes.

"I know you love him…" His voice barely came out.

Realizing what Jasper was thinking, Edward felt as if his heart was being squeezed and scrunched up his whole face while tears filled his eyes.

"I love you more!" He exclaimed, rushing his hands to hold Jasper's face. "What you saw was a goodbye." Edward explained tenderly. "Back when he and I broke up I was so wrapped up on what was happening to you and between us that… Our separation was too abrupt, it left things unfinished. Having him around all the time since I came back made me feel restless with this urgency to fill a gap between me and him… I knew I still loved him, and that he still loved me, I understood that part of my heart was still hurting for him as his was for me. And that was when I realized that if we wanted to end that chapter of our relationship and really move on, but remain friends... We needed closure. That's what you saw. Nothing more than a proper end, a goodbye kiss."

Tears streamed down Jasper's eyes as he smiled uncertainly.

"You don't wanna be with him?" He asked in a trembling voice.

"I wanna be with _you_." Edward stated, his eyes glinting. "I've _always_ wanted to be with you, I chose you and I will choose you forever, when will you get that?"

Jasper chuckled among soft sobs and tears.

"So you didn't give up on us…" His words breaking.

"Never." Edward assured in a gentle smile. "You're the one, remember? My love, the love of my life."

In a swift move that Edward didn't see coming, Jasper sat up and wrapped his arms around his brother's neck and held him tight.

"I thought I was too late…" He spoke in a choked tone. "I thought I had lost you."

Edward held him back just as tightly, his heart warm and beating strongly as he closed his eyes and basked in the sensation of having Jasper back into his arms.

"You'll never lose me, Jade." Edward's words were passionate and honest. "I'm yours since the day you looked at me for the first time… Since the first time I saw you… Since the very first day."

Jasper pulled away slowly and they looked at each other.

"I missed you, Tonton. I missed you so much. I'm sorry for what I put you through…"

"Shhhh." Edward shushed him, placing his index finger softly on Jasper's lips. "It's okay, you're here now."

Jasper held his hand and gently pushed it aside.

"No, hear me out." He asked. "I need to clarify things… I don't want anything unsaid or unresolved between us."

"Okay." Edward accepted.

Jasper straightened up and held Edward's both hands.

"I really needed that time… To deal with everything rationally. But I found out that… It wasn't the reason why I pushed you away." He heaved a breath. "And yes, I admit I pushed you away, but I wasn't completely aware of it."

Edward nodded but said nothing, knowing Jasper needed to get it all off his chest.

"The thing is… It was a defense mechanism." Jasper explained slowly. "But not to protect myself."

Edward frowned and cocked his head to the side.

"Can you take that bag?" Jasper asked, pointing to a navy backpack on the chair beside the dresser.

After taking the bag and sitting back on the bed, Edward looked questioningly at Jasper.

"There's a paper on the front pocket." He said, and Edward promptly opened it and retrieved the piece of paper. "Open it."

Edward did as told, and read silently, slowly, carefully, everything written there. He didn't understand it at once, but as the words progressively matched with each other, the whole thing started to make sense.

"Doctor Swan assigned this brainstorm." Jasper spoke in a low voice while watching Edward's face. "I was supposed to write every word I felt related to 'protection'..." Edward raised his eyes to him and Jasper smiled while shrugging. "I didn't read it… I didn't need to because... Once I was finished I knew my reason… And I knew I was ready for you."

"It's written like a spiral…" Edward commented reflectively, gauging Jasper's emotions. "And my name is in the center of it."

Jasper nodded, his eyes glistening so much they seemed bigger to Edward.

"You are my reason." He stated assertively. "It was you I was trying so desperately to protect, from the pain, from my emotional mess, from my probable death…" He raised his hand between them as he saw Edward opening his mouth, obviously to argue. "Let me say it all, please." Edward nodded and he sighed. "I didn't want to make you suffer even more than you have, and I realized that everything that was happening, that has happened, it all started the day Carlisle took me in… It all started because he was trying to protect _me_ … And unconsciously I blamed myself for all your pain, so I just wanted to take you out of that context... I stupidly believed, again, unconsciously, that it would spare you from more hurt."

Edward closed his eyes softly for an instant and sighed. When he looked back at Jasper, his gaze was pouring tenderness and understanding.

"What is it with us trying to protect each other and ending up hurting one another instead?" He asked rhetorically, a soft smile on his lips, his tone gentle.

Jasper understood what he was implying and smiled back.

"We need to stop it." He said, his smile broadening.

"We do." Edward agreed. "Just promise me you'll never push me away or leave me ever again… And I'll be just fine."

Jasper chuckled.

"I promise." His eyes were serious although his countenance was showing his joyfulness.

Edward leaned in until their noses touched and looked into Jasper's eyes.

"If you try to, I swear I'll tie you to my bed." His voice sounded menacing.

Jasper chuckled again, inching even closer to him.

"Really?" He cocked one of his eyebrows. "So maybe I will try right now…"

Edward pulled a bit away, squinted at him, and smiled mischievously.

"Naughty… You're provoking me, huh? But I'm serious. I really mean it."

"I know, that's why I'm telling you…" Jasper affirmed and, smiling devilishly, wiggled his eyebrows before leaning in until their foreheads were joined together. "I'm leaving you." He provoked.

In a sudden motion, Edward pushed him to the mattress and hovered over him. They were both smiling broadly.

"Jasper Aaron Masen Cullen, don't play with me." Edward ordered, his eyes excited.

"Oh, he said my whole name, I'm so scared…" Jasper gave back in an alluring tone.

Edward shook his head once before descending his whole body on Jasper's and sealing their lips in an eager kiss.

Jasper wrapped his hands around Edward's neck and pulled him even closer… The kiss deepened so much so fast that it didn't take long for them to break it, gasping for air.

"I'm not strong enough to have my way with you now… But when I recover…" Jasper whispered breathlessly.

Lust flared inside Edward and sparkled in his eyes.

"I can't wait for that…" He murmured in kind.

Jasper smiled crookedly. They both sighed heavily. Then Edward's face softened and he turned subtly serious.

"Can I go back home now?" He asked cautiously, his gaze as hesitant as he felt.

"You _are_ home." Jasper replied calmly.

"I mean going back to New York with you." Edward clarified in a low voice.

Jasper took a couple of seconds to answer.

"No." He said earnestly.

Edward pulled away and looked confused.

"But…"

Jasper looked at him severely. Then smiled.

"Didn't you see how many bags I brought?" His question sounded skeptical. Edward looked around, still a bit unsettled, then gazed at him quizzically. "I'm moving in." Jasper asserted in a chuckle.

Edward's eyes were suddenly bigger, and he smiled so broadly that he was flashing practically all his teeth. Jasper chuckled again.

"You are?!" He sounded like a child on a Christmas morning.

"Unless you don't want me to…" Jasper added in mocking hesitation.

"Of course I want you to!" Edward hurried to assure, pulling Jasper into a tight hug promptly. "I'm so freaking happy right now."

They laughed lightly together.

"I am too…" Jasper affirmed as they looked at each other again.

"I love you." Edward stated seriously and then held his face. "I'll love you always."

"I do too. And I'll love you forever." Jasper replied.

And they were finally fine.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Carlisle and Esme held their breaths involuntarily.

Edward took Jasper's hands in his and sighed.

As the physician before him read the last reports, Jasper closed his eyes.

"You are in remission." Doctor Hermez stated in a subtle smile.

Hearing his parents releasing their breaths in a relieved sigh, and feeling Edward squeezing gently his hands, Jasper opened his eyes.

Edward's smile and tearful eyes were the first things he saw.

"I'm gonna be okay." He uttered in a choked voice.

"You _are_ okay." Edward affirmed while nodding.

Jasper raised his hands to his brother's face and gently ran his thumbs across his cheeks. Chuckling, Edward did the same with him.

"Of course there's the follow-up care…" Doctor Hermez added.

Jasper turned to him swiftly. The oncologist, already aware of Jasper's wishes, raised one hand before he could speak.

"I have already contacted your new physician in Hanover." He assured and Jasper smiled. "He has your files and you have an appointment with him and the hematologist in two days. Have you found a new psychologist?"

"Yes, Doctor Swan indicated one of her trust and I've already met him." Jasper told him excitedly.

"Great." The doctor smiled softly. "So I guess this is a goodbye."

He stood up from his chair and offered his hand to Jasper, who took it and shook it.

"Thank you, Doctor Hermez. Thank you."

"I just did my job, Jasper. And you are not welcome." Everybody in the room laughed. "I don't wanna see you ever again." He added kindly. "Take good care of yourself, young man. Make sure you do everything in your power to remain healthy."

Jasper smiled and nodded.

"I will." He guaranteed.

Carlisle and Esme then went to Jasper and hugged him affectionally. Edward looked at the doctor and smiled.

"Thank you for taking care of him, Doctor Hermez." He said solemnly.

The doctor shook his head, still smiling.

And while Carlisle and Esme went to thank the physician, Edward turned to Jasper and held his face between his hands.

"Everything is fine now." He uttered gently, and Jasper nodded. "You can restart your life any way you want."

"With you… That's how I want to restart."

"Done." Edward assured with a wink.

They smiled at each other lovingly.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"Oooh, fuuuck…" Edward moaned as Jasper shoved himself into him.

On all fours over the bed, his head hanging between his shoulders, he writhed and cried out continuously in pleasure.

Never slowing down the powerful motions of his hips, Jasper spanked Edward's left buttcheek, smiling devilishly when his Tonton groaned.

Impetuously as always, Jasper leaned over Edward's back, greedily clutching his hair and pulling his head hastily until his ear was within reach.

He brushed his lips over the earlobe and licked the shell, earning a shiver from Edward.

"Do you have any idea how insane you make me when you moan like that?" Jasper murmured in a deep voice, slowing down a little, circling his hips while sunk deep into Edward's body.

"Jaaaaaade…" Edward whined. "Please, love… Don't slow down…" He begged while pushing his hips back against Jasper.

Jasper smirked.

"You're such a needy bitch when I'm fucking you…"

"Damn…" Edward gasped. "Pleaaase, Jade…"

Jasper's smile became naughtier… He knew well what the dirty talk did to Edward. He pulled himself almost all the way out and then thrust back strongly. Edward grunted.

"You want me to fuck you harder?" Jasper asked enticingly as repeating the movement, and Edward nodded effusively while moaning. "You want me to pound into your ass like this?" He instigated while lunging his member forward again, and Edward cried out. "I can go even harder, babe…" He assured as showing it with the motions of his body, and Edward moaned gutturally. "Just keep enticing me with your sexy sounds and rolling this luscious tight ass like this… and you'll see how crazy I'll get… I'll hump you so damn hard you won't be able to walk straight for a week."

Edward gasped and eagerly pushed back again as Jasper slammed his hips against him, both of them groaning in sheer abandon.

"More, love… more…" Edward begged unabashedly between long moans.

Jasper kept going with the dirty talk and provocations until his core started to stir acutely.

"I'm close, Tonton..." He said urgently. "I want you to cum with me, are you close?" Jasper asked in a surprisingly soft tone that didn't match his unstoppable potent thrusts.

Edward just nodded and moaned.

"Do you want me to make you cum, Tonton?" Jasper incited, his voice huskier.

"Pleaaase." Edward whined.

Jasper smiled crookedly and then bit Edward's earlobe.

"So needy…" He smiled smugly to himself, pleased. "I'll make you cum now. Scream for me, babe." He demanded. "Loud enough for the whole building to hear you."

He released Edward's hair and straightened up swiftly. Holding firmly his lover's hip bones for leverage, Jasper felt the heat coiling further in his core and his fingers sank deeper in Edward's skin as a reflex, eliciting louder moans from both of them… The alluring sounds provoked a more intense wave of lust in Jasper and promptly hips were pistoning against Edward's ass unmercifully as a consequence.

When all his muscles started to contract, Jasper clenched his teeth.

"Cum now, Edward." He spoke in a severe tone. "Scream, babe."

His commanding voice would always have the same effect…

And squeezing his eyes while feeling his whole body shaking in elation, Edward howled Jasper's name with the matching potency as his shattering climax.

Edward's loud cry bounced around the walls and hit Jasper deeply. He had to squeeze his eyes and stop his motions altogether to be able to bear the power of his orgasm…

They collapsed together onto the mattress and remained still, breathing heavily, until their hearts returned to a more regular rate.

Jasper kissed Edward's neck before moving from over his back to the bed. Edward turned on his side to look at him, and Jasper did the same.

Edward's hand found its way to Jasper's short wheat blond waves…

"You look so handsome…" He whispered, carding his fingers softly through the smooth thick strands.

Jasper smiled, feeling flattered.

"Do you want me to let it grow long again?" Jasper asked quietly, raising his hand to Edward's face and caressing his cheek.

"If you want to, yeah…" Edward replied caringly. "I love your hair, especially when it's long, but anyway you keep it is fine with me…" He shrugged slightly. "You're gorgeous to me even when you're bald."

They chuckled, but as Edward soon turned serious because of the vehemence of what he was feeling, Jasper focused on his expressive gray eyes and they shared a loving stare for an extended moment.

"Do you know what day it is?" Edward asked softly, his eyes sparkling under the moonlight that was infiltrating the room through the open window.

Jasper slightly knitted his eyebrows.

"Was I supposed to?" His tone was slightly hesitant.

Edward smiled gently, gazing at him with tenderness.

"I understand why you don't… You had too much in your mind back then." He spoke in such a caring compassionate tone that Jasper felt his heart beating a tad stronger. "It's been exactly a year since the day I made love to you for the first time." He clarified warmly. "I consider it our anniversary… Since it was then that I really gave in…"

Tears welled up to Jasper's eyes and he gasped.

"Edward, I'm sorry." He hastened to say.

"No, love…" Edward hurried to soothe him. "It's okay, you were going through the hardest moment of your life, I don't blame you for not remembering…"

"But it was one of our most important moments… I should've remembered."

Edward pulled him closer and kissed his forehead before gazing at him affectionately.

"Jade… It's just a date, it doesn't really matter." He assured in a loving voice. "What matters is that we're together." Jasper started to shake his head and Edward held his face a little more strongly and looked deep into his eyes. "Hey, you're not allowed to feel guilty. You have to feel happy." He spoke in a slightly demanding tone. "Give me a smile."

Unable to deny Edward anything, especially when he stared into his eyes like that, Jasper relaxed and, almost involuntarily, smiled a sweet smile.

"Good." Edward approved, arching his eyebrows and smiling softly. "I have something for you, but I need you to close your eyes."

Suddenly feeling excited, Jasper nodded and did as told. Edward turned his body on the bed, stretched his arm to the bedside table, and opened the drawer.

A heavy sigh left him without his conscious permission… He had been planning to do that for over a month but no moment had seemed suitable enough… Until that very one.

Trying to control his racing heart, Edward sat on the bed, folding his legs Indian style.

"Don't open your eyes yet." He said slowly to Jasper. "Can you sit, love, please?"

Again Jasper complied. Edward took his right hand and placed a tiny box on his palm.

"You can open your eyes now." Edward spoke gently, but his nervousness was undisguised.

As soon as Jasper saw the small black box on his hand he gasped and looked at Edward with a mix of surprise and anxiety.

Edward looked at Jasper's wrist and pulled it to him delicately.

"I've never properly asked you to be mine…" Edward said slowly while toying with the bracelet he had given Jasper for his twenty-second birthday, more than a year before. "And yet you gave yourself to me unconditionally." He raised his eyes to Jasper's and felt his throat constricting in pure emotion as he noticed the tears pooling in the green eyes he loved so much. "I know we can't legally get married… But a piece of paper means nothing to me when what I've wanted the most my whole life is already my reality. I'm with you… I have you, you're mine like I've always wished you were." He paused, choked with his strong sentiment. "We don't need a judge or a priest to tie us together. We've already done that by ourselves, a year ago, when we became one for the first time. Don't cry…" He asked kindly and raised his hands to dry Jasper's streaming tears as he sobbed, deeply touched.

"What are you doing, babe?" Jasper asked between sobs, tears, and a quivering smile.

"I'm marrying us." Edward stated confidently. "But before I do it, I want to ask you properly…"

Jasper covered his mouth with his free hand and more tears slid down his cheeks.

Edward took back the little box and opened it, taking the smaller ring between his index finger and his thumb, and looked at Jasper solemnly. He opened his palm and offered it to Jasper, waiting for him to place his left hand over it. Once he did, Edward sighed.

"Jasper Aaron Masen Cullen… Would you be my husband?" He proposed in the most passionate tone.

Jasper sobbed again and could only nod… His voice was gone since the air was caught up in his throat. Edward took a deep breath and straightened up, his countenance turning serious.

"I promise you I'll love you unconditionally, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy…" Edward vowed. "Do you accept me as your life partner, to face whatever comes, together, until we grow gray and old, until we die, and even after that…?"

Jasper chuckled, still amazed and a bit incredulous of what was happening.

"I do." He whispered, grinning.

Edward kissed the plain platinum band and slowly placed it on Jasper's left ring finger.

"It's your turn." He said softly, a tentative smile on his lips.

Jasper took the other ring from the box and heaved a sigh, feeling his heart about to fly out of his chest.

He closed his eyes momentarily before starting to speak.

"When I imagined this, I thought I would be the one proposing…" He confessed in a timid smile. "So I wanna do it too." Edward chuckled and nodded. "Will you marry me, Tonton?"

"There's nothing I want more in my life… Yes." Edward replied simply.

Jasper moistened his lips nervously and took a couple of seconds to breathe slowly. Then he gazed intensely at Edward.

"I promise you I will never leave you." He vowed earnestly. "I'll always take care of you but I won't try to protect you and I won't just assume what's better for you… I'll ask." Edward's smiled largely and nodded. "I'll always listen to you and give you the opportunity to explain whatever you need or think it's important. I promise to be your best friend and your best supporter… But most of all, I promise you I'll give you all of me, and I'll keep loving you even after we die." They chuckled together, both utterly moved. "Do you accept me as your husband?"

"Sure thing." Edward answered in a light chuckle.

Jasper waited for him to extend his hand and, looking at his gleamy eyes, placed the band on his left ring finger as well.

Edward held his face and joined their foreheads.

"By the power vested in me by our love and all the promises we've made to each other…" Edward spoke softly, but seriously, looking intently into Jasper's eyes. "I now pronounce us husbands…" He said softly. "And partners in crime." He added while wiggling his brows.

They both laughed lightly with Edward's joke. Then they turned serious once their act, and the significance of it, dawned on them.

"I love you." Edward stated passionately.

"I love you." Jasper repeated in the same tone.

Their lips met naturally… And just as spontaneously the kiss got deeper. Soon enough they were touching each other avidly again…

"You won't be able to walk tomorrow…" Jasper warned Edward in a grave voice while attacking his neck.

"Then it's a good thing I have the day off." He said breathlessly.

Jasper halted and pushed back, hovering over him and staring at him with surprise.

"Did you plan this?" He asked grinning.

"The getting married part, yes." Edward replied in kind. "It happening today, not really. But I'm happy it worked."

They beamed at each other before Jasper shut Edward up with a scorching kiss.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

"So I see you all here by six am tomorrow." Edward concluded the briefing and stood up from his chair.

While the staff left the room, Emmett waited next to the office door.

"Are you comfortable with this approach?" Edward asked once they were alone in the room, resting one of his hands on his friend's shoulder.

"Hey, you're the head of surgery and the lead surgeon of the case, it's your decision." Emmett stated calmly.

"But you're the chief pediatrician, and it's your case, a very delicate one, and it's your patient in my hands."

Emmett smile softly.

"Blondie, how long have we worked together?"

Edward pursed his lips for just a second.

"Considering the time we were residents, nine years."

"How many of my patients have you had on your table?"

Edward shook his head and sighed.

"I've lost count."

"How many of them have you lost?" Emmett asked incisively, cocking one eyebrow.

Edward released a breathy chuckle, getting where Emmett's speech was going.

"None." He answered smiling.

Emmett tapped Edward's hand and held it briefly.

"I trust you with my eyes closed, Edward. If you say this is the best way, then it is."

They nodded to each other.

"You'll be there observing the procedure, yeah?" Edward asked.

"I will." Emmett confirmed.

"Great." Edward said while accompanying Emmett to the door. "What about dinner tonight at my house? You're still going, right?"

"Of course." He smiled timidly all of a sudden. "I'll bring Pete with me."

Edward grinned.

"Jasper will be ecstatic."

"Yeah… You need to help me with what I can give him as a thank you gift for introducing me to his friend."

"Wow, I know this look." They both chuckled. "How deep is this gratitude?"

"Significantly deep. I'm pretty sure I'm in love, man." Emmett confessed.

"Emm, this is great."

"Yeah… Tell me about it. The boy is…" He heaved a sigh and then grinned.

"He is an amazing guy." Edward agreed. "Just tell Jasper about this, he will be so pleased, he's very close to Peter and he cares for him a lot."

"I will. But I'm sure he'll notice before I say anything, anyway."

They shared a knowing smile before Emmett said goodbye and left to his department.

Miranda, his secretary, entered his office just as he sat back and put on his glasses to review the patient's file.

"Doctor Cullen, the files you asked for…" She handed him some folders. "Your husband called during the briefing, he asked you to wait for him, he's coming to pick you up." She added as he took the documents.

"Thanks, Miranda." Edward said already fishing his cellphone from his coat pocket.

Jasper answered his call almost immediately.

"Hey, Tonton. I'm almost there, are you ready to go home?"

"Finishing up some reading on a patient." He provided in a soft voice. "Love, I drove here today."

"I know, but I was off work earlier and I felt like picking up my husband." Jasper explained tenderly. "You can leave your car there, I'll drive you tomorrow. Do you have any more appointments?"

"No, but I need to do some more study for tomorrow's surgery." Edward clarified. "I can do it at home, though."

"Good. I'll be there in fifteen."

"Okay. Love you." Edward smiled involuntarily.

"Love you too." Jasper said before disconnecting the call.

Unconscious of the large grin he had on his lips, Edward placed his phone next to the only picture frame he had on his desk. It had been there since his first day as chief surgeon, three years before. He looked at it for a moment, admiring the glow on Jasper's jolly face.

He was immediately skeptical that the photo had been taken six years earlier, and still, nothing had changed. He felt so lucky…

Jasper still looked at him with the same intensity in his eyes, his face still glowed every time they saw each other after spending a whole day apart, he still beamed at him every morning when they woke up…

They had their fights and arguments, for sure, as every couple did, but they loved, cared for and desired each other just as much as when their romantic relationship started, if not more…

Edward slid the tips of his fingers slowly over the glass that protected the image. He smiled fondly and sighed.

He felt happy.

#IMPOSSIBLE#

Jasper opened the door to his parents with a large grin lightening up his face. He was anxious, the most anxious he had been his entire life.

"It's good to see you, son." Carlisle said once they held each other in a tight embrace.

"I missed you, Dad." Jasper replied just before they pulled away.

"Where's Edward?" Carlisle asked as Esme hugged Jasper.

"Inside." Jasper answered simply. "It's so good to have you here, Mom." He said to Esme while pulling away.

"I've missed you so much." She replied lovingly, holding his face. "You look so handsome. Edward must be taking good care of you."

"He is." Jasper blushed. "But I take care of him more."

Carlisle smiled softly.

"You've always been the most caring and affectionate of the two of you." He commented in a light tone as they got in and Jasper closed the door. "It's only natural that you're the one taking care of him." He added as tapping and then holding his son's shoulder.

Jasper's smile in return seemed thankful.

"So what's the big surprise? I'm anxious!" Esme urged, her eyes twinkling.

Carlisle just looked expectantly to his second son.

Jasper grinned.

"I'll take your luggage to your room, why don't you two go to the living room and wait for us there?" Jasper spoke in a jolly tone but obviously trying to sound nonchalant. His parents smiled and nodded at him. "I'll be right back."

And just as promised, Jasper was soon sitting between their parents at the sofa after having taken care of their suitcases and quickly told Edward their parents had arrived.

He took a deep breath.

"Edward and I celebrated thirteen years together last year…" He started in a calm voice. Esme and Carlisle nodded knowingly. "We were happy as we've always been but… We admitted to each other and to ourselves that there was something we both really wanted… And that was missing."

"You two are fine, right?" Esme asked carefully.

"Every marriage has difficult phases," Carlisle said slightly hurriedly, his countenance worried. "but if there's love, and honesty…"

Jasper chuckled and hastened to hold his father's shoulder and his mother's hand.

"Edward and I are fine. We couldn't be better, actually." He assured them. "I'm just telling you why and how we made this decision."

"Just tell us already, son." Esme asked in a concerned tone.

"Yes, please, now I'm just as anxious as your mother." Carlisle added in kind.

Jasper opened his mouth to finally explain, but a sweetly loud little squeak made his parents turn to the doorway just as giggles filled the room with their infectious happy sound.

Esme covered her mouth abruptly as her eyes flooded with tears. Carlisle smiled amused.

"Hello, Mom… Dad…" Edward greeted them as he entered the room with a little Asian girl in his arms.

Everyone was promptly standing as Edward stopped before them.

"This is our daughter…" He provided in a solemn tone, his eyes shimmering with emotion. "Ashley."

Carlisle immediately turned to Jasper.

"You named her?" He asked caringly.

Jasper shook his head.

"We got to know her name way after she chose us…"

"She's so precious!" Esme uttered in tears.

"Papa, who are they?" Ashley asked Edward, looking at him with her doe eyes.

"This is grandpa Carlisle." Edward said as pointing to his father.

Carlisle smiled at the five-year-old little girl.

"Hello, Ashley. It's a pleasure to meet you, pretty." He seemed tranquil as always, but his son's noticed the fondness in his voice.

Ashley leaned to him and hugged his neck.

"Nice to meet you, Grandpa." She said as pulling back to her Papa's arms, smiling sweetly.

Carlisle chuckled and tears came to his eyes.

"And this is grandma Esme." Edward proceeded.

"Hi, little princess." Esme greeted in a choked voice, softly touching the girl's chubby cheeks.

"Why Grandma is crying, Papa?" Ashley asked Edward.

"Because I'm so happy to meet you!" Esme answered before Edward could.

"Smile, Grandma." Ashley asked in her sweet childish voice while placing the tip of her forefingers on Esme's cheeks.

Esme smiled. Ashley clapped her little hands.

"We wanted a family…" Jasper told his father softly, and Carlisle looked at him with understanding. "We wanted what you and Mom have."

"And now you have it." Carlisle spoke, moved. "I am so happy for you two." He stated earnestly.

Edward gave Ashley to his mother who sat on the floor with the little girl. Grandmother and granddaughter were soon engrossed in conversation while the men observed their easy interaction from the sofa.

"The whole process was long and a little difficult." Edward commented, his eyes on his daughter.

"And it's only my name on her adoption documents…" Jasper added in a controlled tone.

They looked at each other.

"But we have our daughter officially now. And that's what matters." Edward provided in a caring smile.

Beside them, Carlisle smiled too and focused his attention on Jasper.

"What a fortunate coincidence that she has the same name as your mother." He said, admired.

Edward and Jasper shared a knowing look.

"When we were visiting the orphanage where she lived, she was the first kid to approach us." Edward spoke in a nostalgic tone. "She was promptly mesmerized by Jasper."

Jasper chuckled but soon turned serious with emotion.

" _She_ chose us." He stated softly. "But when she told us her name I simply knew _she_ was our daughter."

Carlisle discreetly brushed away some tears.

"Thank you for giving me a granddaughter." He said to both his sons, but looking at Jasper.

Jasper raised from the sofa and crouched down before his father.

"I'm the one who wants and needs to thank you, Dad." He said with a strong sentiment. "I told you once that you were responsible for our suffering, but I'm so sorry for having ever said that…" Carlisle shook his head gently. "What you did, taking me in, that's the reason I'm here, the reason I have Edward, and Ashley now." Edward took his hand and stared at him with love as he continued. "You're the one responsible for my happiness. You gave me a family, you loved me unconditionally, you accepted me as I am… But most of all… You brought me to Edward. Thank you, Dad. I'll never be able to thank you enough…"

Carlisle leaned over and held his younger son affectionately.

"You don't need to thank me, son." He assured in a quivering voice. "Seeing you and Edward happy is what makes me happy. I love you."

"I love you too, Dad."

They pulled away and looked at each other fondly.

"Don't cry, Daddy." Jasper heard Ashley's sweet voice just before he noticed her by his side.

And suddenly more tears streamed from his eyes.

"You called me 'Daddy'." He murmured to himself as Ashley hugged his neck.

He looked at Edward and saw him smiling and nodding with tears pooling in his eyes.

"Since the first day, she has called me 'Papa'." Edward spoke to his father only. "It's the first time she calls him like this."

"I know well how he feels." Carlisle said pensively, remembering the first time he heard Jasper calling him like that.

As Ashley sat on her Daddy's lap, snuggled on his chest, and started playing with his long hair strands, Esme approached them and they started to discuss Jasper's and Edward's plans regarding the little girl.

"Thank you, father." Edward said softly as they watched the trio in front of them with warm gazes. "Thank you for accepting us…" Carlisle turned his eyes to him. "And thank you for bringing him to me."

Carlisle just nodded, too moved and overwhelmingly happy to say anything else.

Edward leaned on the backrest of the sofa, unconsciously holding the pendant of his inseparable neck chain, and watched his family in silence… And as every single memory of his journey until that very moment flashed in his mind, a loving smile graced his placidly happy features.

He had once thought that he would never be free from pain. Right at that moment, though, that pain he considered unbearable for so long was just a faded stain, a remote memory of his youth.

His impossible love for his brother had become possible… And then it was very real.

Looking at Jasper, the man he loved so devotedly, and at their precious daughter, Edward felt fulfillment settling inside him…

He'd never known that sentiment stronger and more satisfactory than happiness existed, but his love for Jasper taught him there was one…

Edward sighed in sheer plenitude. His heart was full, and he felt complete.

#

#

#

The end


End file.
